Amusing Conversation with my 70 Year Old Male Friend + Postpartum Snap-back tips
My days are never lacking in hilarious thought-provoking conversations. There was that time, mum and I talked about kissing bearded guys; and that time when my 7-year old nephew and I talked about paddling to the Caribbean on a human raft. This post is about a conversation that ensued between my ~70 year old caucasian male friend and I. He is very amusing. Honestly, children and older people get away with saying anything!
Friend: African women are so beautiful. Great physiques.
Me: *feigning modesty graciously*
Friend: There's just one problem
Me: What?
Friend: Once you have a baby, you never go back to the way you were
Me: So not true!
Friend: *not buying it* You know you'll blow up after your first child
Me: Haha! Well, I have to work to get back. Blame it on water retention and extra fat from pregnancy.
Friend: I dated a girl from Zimbabwe, you know. Beautiful girl. After one child... Boom!
Friend: Saddest thing is, they don't even get any in the boobs! Everywhere else, but not there!
Friend: I love shapey petite women. African women look so beautiful...then after the first child...White women, they go right back.
Me: I know, right? *quirky comebacks severely elusive after boob comment*
Friend: When you have your first child, you need to work at it, Ok? Promise me. Go back to how you were.
Me: OK. I promise
Cringe. There I go making promises that I now have to keep. This conversation really got me thinking, because my friend has promised to laugh at me when the time comes. Smh. Below are a few things I found on preventing water retention and some snap-back-into-shape tips. I'm keeping them here as a reminder.
Snap Back Tips
1. Gain the recommended weight (~25-35 pounds/11-15 kg*)
2. Getting your weight back depends on your habits before and during pregnancy. Develop healthy habits that transition smoothly (somewhat smoothly) into pregnancy. I have pregnant women in my Zumba class
3. Gain healthy weight. Snack on fruits, vegetables. (My cousin says she ate a lot of carrots when she got hungry between meals)
4. Breastfeed
Preventing Water Retention
1. Drink a lot of fluids (like your life and sexiness depends on it)
2. Reduce salt intake
3. Stay out of the heat
4. Avoid standing for too long
5. Eat juicy fruits
6. Recruit impregnator for massage duties
If you are a mum or have any information about snapping right back after kids, please share your knowledge. You would be helping someone and you would be rescuing me from this wager. If snapping back is still project for you, please share your milestones! Power to you!
*Recommended Weight breakdown
Baby: 7.5 lb (3.4 kg) Enlarged Uterus: 2.0 lbs (0.9 kg) ; Placenta 1.5 lb (0.7 kg); Amniotic fluid 2.0 lb (0.9 kg); Breast enlargement 2.0 lbs (0.9 kg); Extra blood & fluid volume 8.0 lbs (3.6 kg) ; Extra fat reserves 7.0 lbs (3 kg)
Source recommends that extra fat reserves should be controlled, because it's the only weight-gain factor than can be safely manipulated.
5 Easy Peasy Ways to Enjoy Your Flight
More than ever before, holiday-makers are choosing to take their vacation and travel during the "-ember" months, which means Autumn has totally snatched Summer's thunder! Sorry, Summer. Traveling in Autumn is a great way to save on your trips, with reduced travel fares and relatively reduced accommodation rates- one less reason to be sad about the end of Summer!
If you are back from your travels, don't feel bad and there's absolutely no reason why you should feel left out of this post; let us know if you tried any of these 5 points during your flight. Also, let us know if you have been meeting "people of interest" on your travels like I have:
5 easy peasy ways to enjoy your flight
1. Bring your own stuff (BYOS): No matter what class you will be flying, nothing makes a trip better than personalizing your experience. Using your own stuff during a flight adds a layer of increased comfort. Items that are always a good idea are: I) Chewing gum/breath mint II) Socks III) Headphones IV) Tea, coffee, hot chocolate in a sachet V) Snack e.g cashews, gummy bears VI) Sleep gear**
2. Chat up your neighbor: You never know who you might be seating next to on a flight. I once sat next to a regional director for one of the largest Pharmaceutical Multinationals. Hello, LinkedIn bestie. The easiest way to initiate a chat with your neighbor is by showing kindness. A great way to engage your neighbor is by offering them a snack or gum. Gum/breath mints are the most important items on a journey, as you can see.
3. Plan your inflight activities: Planning your inflight activities ties everything up nicely. It ensures that you create time to walk around, which helps your blood flow; also you get to plan your rest times, work and entertainment: watch in-flight movies, solve puzzles, play two dots or whatever games you enjoy, talk to your neighbor with your new, improved minty breath. At the end, your journey feels well-rounded and productive-ish.
4. Moonwalk down the aisle: It always feels like a good idea to take the potato-couch status on board a plane and just sit all through the flight, binge-watching movies, binge-eating weird airplane food and binge-sleeping. However, being docile on a flight, no matter how short, is never a good idea. Flights lasting 8-10 hours pose the greatest risk of the formation of blot clots (aka Deep Vein Thrombosis (DVT)). Ensure you make as many trips down the aisle, to the rest room or just moonwalk down the aisle and stare awkwardly into people's faces... just because you can.
5. Hug the free seats: On long haul flights when fatigue makes you anti-social, and you want to skip chatting your neighbor up and you are just content the way your breath smells, ask the flight attendants about free seats. They usually ask you to wait until take off, by which time you might be asleep anyway. If you stay up, move to your new three-seat empire! Oh and don't forget to tell them to wake you for dinner.
4 Interesting people I've met on a plane because I offered them gum
(1) a girl who apparently detests flying and wouldn't stop talking about death *side eye*;
(2) a chef who worked on a rig and missed his family all the time;
(3) an Israeli with the clearest blue eyes who hates Tel Aviv and doesn't speak with his relatives;
(4) a man who told me the history of Nigeria for 5 hours, straight, until I started dozing, which didn't stop him. You'll be amazed the kind of information you'd be privy to with just one act of kindness!
What's your absolute must-have on a flight? Headphones and gum for me. Do you do in-flight exercises? **Do you change into pajamas on long-haul flights? Any interesting people you've met on-board a flight?
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Mum, On the Matter of Kissing a Beardy Dude
This is a real conversation between my mum and I. It was all in Yoruba which made it sound so much better but it's been translated into English.
Mum: Ed's beard na wa o
Me: I like Ed’s beard
Mum: How do you kiss then?
Me: errrrrr
Mum: Kissing a man with a beard is complicated
Me: errrrrr-errr Not really, mum
Mum: What if the hair gets in your mouth?
Me: *Laughing out loud* It usually doesn’t
Mum: What if there's stew on it?
Me: Ewww
Mum: It's true. So, the hair doesn't get into your mouth?
Me: Nope, not at all
Mum: I remember one time your dad wanted to keep a beard. It didn't work out o.
Me: The hair doesn't have to get in though. We just work around it.
By now mum realizes I have superior kissing skills, then avoids the thought and proceeds to talk about something else.
What are your thoughts on kissing a bearded guy? Are you more pro-clean shaven or pro-beard gang?
Foregone
Fiction
It is abominable, that which I do.
But I hurry to it anyway.
I follow the stream by the white light of the moon, stilling myself at every sound of crunching leaves or rustling bushes. I have wrapped myself in the darkest Ankara, on top of it, is my father’s hunting tunic, darker than night. I have smeared his tobacco and spice behind my ears to ward off any strangers or their dogs.
A traveling stranger is less interesting if she smells of tobacco and roots, than of hibiscus and lemons.
In my hand, is my shepherd’s crook. It whacks and chokes, whether it be sheep or person.
This is no man's land, distant from mother's watchful eye. Any assailant would be out of range of father’s arrow.
Now well into the forest, I hear the faint roar of the waters and my heart races. Quickly, I begin to climb the hill.
It is dark but I know where to place my feet, where to grip and brace, where to heave and lift. The darkness amplifies the thunder of the rushing waterfall of Arè. It surrounds, it terrifies. It is enough to fail a heart.
I remove my sandals and wade into the river, she welcomes me and draws me in along the current. I hold unto familiar stones, slippery and some tufty with growth, my feet find ground on the sandy bed. I feel for the rocks and climb out into a cave.
At last.
He is there waiting.
He rises to his feet. My heart thumps, my belly flutters.
Tórę..