The Sex Recession

Millennials are having less sex than previous generations. I never would have guessed. Apparently, it appears the sexagenarians and septuagenarians are steaming things up more than we are! Now seeing that generation in a new light.  That’s way too much light. I officially can’t look at them the same again. Nope. Our parents, aunties, uncles. Presidents. Blindfold me, please! *Insert bird box reference* 

From observation though (not research), I’m sure generation X isn’t doing too badly either.

Generation X had Keith Sweat and Jodeci crooning into their ears in their teenage and young adult years. They are bound to still be reeling from all that—Usher taking it nice and slow; Another level trying to lick something*stare*; Ginuwine’s pony. Enough said. It was Steamatopia with those guys.

So what’s going on with millennials?

Many things.

Apart from our lack of songs laden with sexual innuendos and contrasting verbal cues, the truth is, millennials are busy. We may be the most achievement-oriented, self-actualizing generation that ever lived under the sun. There’s too much to be done. Goals. Checklists. Agendas. Breakfasts on the move. Presentations. Walking lunches. Meetings. Networking drinks. More checklists, ticking goals off, having apps that tick them off. It’s the life. There are targets to be hit, creative juices to be channeled, entrepreneurial heights to be surpassed, a whole continent of terra nillus in innovation and business to be claimed. Millennials are busy building empires(for other people and themselves), meeting deadlines and turning in deliverables. They are not interested in riding ponies or licking anything. Well, they are happy to fight along with animal protection for injustice against ponies or any other animal in the equine family and beyond by clicking to sign a petition. But that’s as ‘pony’ as they plan to get.

Millennials are at work, trying to get ahead, reinventing the rat race, roller-blading down those green tracks.

Small wins and big wins are the new O.

There’s also social media. But I choose not to dwell. All I can say is turn off to turn on. Shrug. Also you should read this article about the benefits of sex.

There is some good in all of this though. Reported sexual abuse is at an all time low! How wonderful is this? I guess pervs are elsewhere doing other things—maybe laughing hysterically to memes on Instagram or learning to knit on Youtube or to cook on Yummly.

I wonder what other effects this recession may have:

Will the prices of condoms and contraception plummet? Will there be a reduction in contracted STDs? Will the porn industry see a boost in demand? Will the sale of sex toys reach an all time high? I hope human trafficking nose-dives and crashes. Traffickers will have to find a day job or diversify into selling caffeinated confectionaries and energy bars. Shrug. Business idea, trafficker. Thank me later. Let your victims go and put together a business plan!

I guess in all of this, I am proud that the sexagenarians and septuagenarians are getting it on at least. Those guys, even though they are still trying to figure out Skyping within the frame, they really are troopers where it counts.

What are your thoughts? Any other reasons you think millennials are choosing to skip sex?

Jurisdiction to Love

As a woman, I have deluded myself into believing that I can change anyone I want to—like a fairy godmother with a restless wrist and a sparkly wand, turning pumpkins into carriages and mice to noble steeds. I have carried this belief from dating, into my friendships, into family, into work, into teams, into almost every aspect of my life. If you’re a woman, maybe you have too?

So, do people really change? Of course they do. I, myself am constantly changing everyday! My 2016 self wouldn’t even recognize me. Hey, girl! *Smacks lips*

I guess the question is, is it my job to change people? And who bestowed this responsibility on me. I guess women just have this natural propensity for identifying an ideal state of things and willing their loved ones in that chosen way.

*Shrug* What can we say? 

I have realized though that it’s not my job to change people.

It’s my job to love them.

It’s my job to correct them, if it’s within my jurisdiction, but it’s always my jurisdiction to love.

I like that.

It’s easy!

Why didn’t anyone tell me this before? Do men do this too—try to change people? 

P.s Good luck if you’re trying to change someone you’re dating and Godspeed if your working on changing a spouse.

*Laughing in Cantonese*

How to Avoid Buyer's Remorse in Marriage (If You Are Single)

Over the last few years, being married to Ed has taught me one thing— read reviews. The guy reads reviews like it’s a Jeffery Archer novel. I’m usually one click away from my online purchase when I hear his voice in my head, “Have you read the reviews?”Even better, I’m at the store and the item is in my cart and I’m eager to buy that baby, when he comes up to me, places the item back on the shelf and says, “I just read reviews, it has two stars online.” 

I admit, it’s frustrating but he has a point. Every single time, he rescues me from buyer’s remorse. I’m also a bad loser when it comes to regrettable purchases. Once I realize I have bought an inferior item, I literally can’t sleep. I take my receipt to bed with me (not kidding, lol), and at the crack of dawn, after a shower and breakfast(because those have to be had) I’m off to the store with the product and my rumpled receipt. 

While we all follow wedding blogs and IG accounts, and we "uhh!" and "aww" at those photos, a lot of married people suffer from Buyers' Remorse. Buyers remorse is basically an unpleasant feeling of regret you feel when you realize you’ve bought an inferior product or basically a feeling of discontent with a purchase you considered valuable. If you’re anti-buyers-remorse like me, it’s a great idea to read reviews before getting married. 

How do you do that? 

Wouldn't it be great if we had an online platform which reviews to-be-spouses like reviews.com does for all things consumer goods?

Until then, the best way to avoid buyer’s remorse as a single person is *drumroll* by objectively observing this dreamboat-person of yours and also observing the quality of your relationship; by listening to the honest opinion of people who love you genuinely (not haters, you’ll know the difference); by observing how he treats others and his family; if you are insane enough— by asking his ex for reviews *side eye* (chances are she will block you and report your account across all social networks). She'd be a wonderful resource though *pensive*. Probably not the best idea you and I have ever had.

Paying attention to reviews work wonders though, with any purchase, especially an intended purchase who intends to share your living space and toothbrush *blink*. Once you’ve done your homework, you’d know whether to zoom straight to the cashier with this awesome steal or put that baby back on the shelf... way back on the shelf! 

What are your thoughts? 

4 Things I wish I knew on Dating Boulevard

This post isn’t sponsored by reviews.com. They just write objective, honest reviews and I like that. 

Where Do Broken (Male) Hearts Go?

Where do broken hearts go?

If you said “the heartbreak hotel”, congratulations, you just dated yourself. You are right though, kinda. According to several studies, broken female hearts go to “the heart break hotel”, a place where they cry, delete and/or burn relationship keepsakes and memorabilia, cry some more on a friend’s shoulder, rant and sing-along to sad pop songs. For the broken male hearts, many of them go into a dark alley, which I call “the hole”—a place where they bottle up their feelings, grow a beard, drink a little too much and desperately seek distractions to preoccupy their minds. After being here a while, it’s no surprise they end up enrolling in the greatest institution of all time— the Royal Academy of Heartbreakers (RAH).

Yes, it would appear that heartbroken people tend to go to either of these two places when their hearts have been ripped out of their chests—the Heartbreak hotel(HH) or the Royal Academy of Heartbreakers (RAH).

As you would imagine, at the RAH, students acquire the unique skill set of breaking hearts, after taking the mandatory first year prerequisite of Emotional Dissociation and a 4-unit course in Commitment Unavailability. 

Eventually, they graduate with flying, soaring colors, wearing their academic hats, and are handed their certificates along with a pitch fork. They are released in legions into society, where they make their alma mata proud by sweeping through Ladiesville and leaving many shattered hearts in their wake. The female survivors of Ladiesville then check into heartbreak hotel...It’s all a vicious cycle.

Research shows breakups have a more devastating effect on men than on women. Mainly because they don’t choose the most effective way to heal. You know, beard..."the hole"...bottles of ale...rebounds. And no, the best way to get over someone isn’t by getting under someone else. The hurt and pain still stand unresolved. 

Men aren't endowed with the emotional support women get so freely from friends and family and men lack safe spaces to express how they truly feel in every step of their healing process. I personally believe they deserve a safe place where they can bawl their eyes out, etch gothic scribblings on walls, chew their toe nails, shower once in two months and munch on dry cereal. Or at least have the option of wearing duo-tone spandex while wailing and miming to Taylor Swift songs in their bathroom mirror. They deserve the safe space to process their emotions so they can recover properly. 

According to Dr. Miller of the University of Utah, *heads up, sports/orthopedic analogy* when a rookie suffers from a fracture or bone injury, there’s a chance their bones may not heal right . This is usually because they may undergo non-operative treatment, in other words, they don’t select the right treatment plan for their fracture. This results in malalignment of the bone. This mutation is sometimes visibly observable in some patients. You can tell a mile away. When the proper healing route isn’t selected, sometimes, there’s a malformation. (Men, note that I chose sports and bones as an analogy because it’s all macho and stuff. You are welcome.)

When a heart doesn’t heal right, then out come the pitch forks.

This guy surely has a pitch fork.

It’s a great idea for your heart to heal the right way. But how do you know your heart is healed?

Answer: It’s available to love again, wisely but genuinely. You also don’t own a pitch fork, you aren’t in possession of little black books (or the modern day equivalent, whatever that is) and you aren’t a renowned creep on dating websites. And of course, your beard is grown for a good cause. Of course. 

What do you think? Did you heal right from all your past relationships? Do you think men get enough emotional support in their heart break journeys? 

Related posts you'd love: Get Over Him On A Budget!  &  The Sunny Side Of Your Breakup!

When Your SuperHero Bleeds

Warning: Personal blog entry

Before Wonder Woman grew out her hair and got so hot, I was a fan. I loved her outfit; her sweet heart bodice, her star-spangled boy shorts and red boots. She was the only female superhero back then, so I wasn't spoiled for choice. So fave she was.

I had a few not-so-fictional super heroes too.

My entire family were my heroes, my parents and siblings. My cousins, aunties and uncles, older friends, a dozen fave teachers, headmistress, my proprietress! They really were made of titanium, indestructible; they dove in headlong, strong, breathed fire, saved the day. 

Well, I'm getting much closer to 30 and with that age comes this clarity and insight into the cracks in humanity. A few months ago, I came face to face with a revelation about some of my heroes, after whom I had named certain life lessons, theories and principles. 

One of them came out and told me this truth and I couldn't deny my disappointment. The other hero made a significantly bad decision and couldn't shake this constant habit they had gotten into. I didn't know what to do.

What do you do when you realize you super heroes have kinks in their stories?

What do you do when you realize that Wonder Woman has an identity crisis; that Superman suffers from myopia and wears spectacles and is also susceptible to kryptonite; that Achilles’ heel is weak and makes him mortal.

I saw these heroes of mine who I looked up to in a different light, and that light wasn't flattering--hair disheveled, superhero spandex suits stuck between their butt cheeks. I saw them wiping their noses on their sleeves; and staggering a little, unsure, uncertain and severely human. 

At first, I was hit with disappointment and I struggled with the disappearance of the glimmer that hallowed them so. It was like discovering Santa is a kleptomaniac or that your mentor has been arrested for fraud. It broke my heart. Then I looked closer.

I watched the hesitation in their eyes before they took steps, I saw them put up brave faces and hide their scars.

I saw their fragility and frailty.

And then it dawned on me, even heroes have a right to bleed*. They are allowed to falter and goof. Now, instead of despising them for their frailty, and for ruining my childhood fantasies, my heart warms up, as I am able to identify with them. I am actually able to reach out and touch them; to know they are real. To hold them in my arms. To hold their tears but honor them for their greatness, to hold them in higher regard than I ever did. Now to my respect for them, I have added love, one without condition. I'm able to love my broken Wonder Women and Super Men with their tired rubbery spandex and faded wind-fluttering capes.

These days they wear cotton, and sometimes linen, but hands on their hips, eyes on the horizon, in the nick of time they still save the day. 

-Dedicated to“Gigi” and“Riri” my heroes.

 Reference: *Line from Superman-Five for Fighting

What To Do When You Know The Answer To Your Friend’s Conundrum

One of the coolest things about being you is your field of expertise. There are just some areas in life in which you excel exceedingly and dramatically; whether it’s the sector of financial planning, finding love, chasing ambition, making people feel like a million bucks, giving wise advice, excellent work ethics, tunnel vision, romance, sex, adventure, doing a back flip- whatever it is…you just kill it and everyone loves you for it. 

The second coolest thing about you is the ability to identify the deficit of this skill of yours in another person’s life, i.e watching someone you know struggle with making a decision which comes quite easily to you. 

For example, your friend could say: 

“My boss hates me. I don’t know what to do.”

“He hit me and I don’t know whether to leave.”

“I earn 200 grand but I have zero savings.”

“Oh! Missionary?! That’s what it’s called? Well, there’s no other way to do it…is there?” 

*insert Dwight Shrute side eye with a smile*

The cool thing isn’t watching them squirm with the perplexity of decision-making, but it’s in knowing you know the answer but choose not to interfere with their decision making process…unless they ask for it. You might think a true friend would interfere. Relatively true, but only to some extent will your interference be genuinely appreciated. 

I recently struggled with a decision I had to make. The required skills and thought process of this issue, however, came very easily to my friend. He let me know what his suggestion was. Of course, I kicked at the idea wildly, like a goat at an abattoir. 

He just kept looking at me as I struggled with the decision. A real toughie it was...to me anyway. I eventually took his suggestion. 

But the beauty of it was in him letting me go through the motions of decision making; denial, freaking out, the still, the acknowledgement of my apparent incompetence, asking for help and guidance, praying and then making the right decision. 

He didn’t try to force me or insist his way was right and mine was shabby. He didn’t mandate but suggested. He guided and didn’t legislate. He put it out there and let me come to the realization of the wisdom myself.  

We can’t force people to take our expert advice. There’s just more satisfaction watching them flail around initially like an abattoir goat. Grin. Once you’ve presented your wisdom, they’ll ease into it at their own time or not at all. Shrug. It’s a blessing knowing I don’t have to make decisions for others. That’s not what we really are made for. We are made to excel and guide. And to snicker at abattoir-goat friends. 

What are your thoughts?! 

Love At First Try

When I was growing up I was determined to end up with the first person I dated. My only sister married her first official boyfriend, so hey, I wasn’t trying to drift too far from that. Get it right the first time, babe. I'd tell myself.

No seconds.

So I met my first boyfriend...

If I ended up with my first boyfriend, he'd be at the bottom of the ocean“swimming with the fishes” by now. 

Swimming. With. The. Fishes. 

Not the“Godfather”type of swimming-with-the-fishes. He wouldn't be dead or anything. No. He really would have just devised a way to live as a sea creature, so he could get away from me and terrestrial life and anything that was associated with me. Hey, and this is not because I'm not fun to live with(Ed, tell em!) but because boyfriend 1 and I were not designed for one another and living together would have proven mildly inconvenient. And by mildly, I mean any acceptable antonym of mildly. Discordantly. Disagreeably. Harshly. Unpleasantly.

Yes, unpleasantly inconvenient. You see, me obsessing over getting it right the first time would have been counter productive, to say the least. 

I guess one mustn’t be so averse to other numbers and positions--number 1 is great but so is number 3, number 5 may be "the one" and number 11 may even dare to be divine. Be open to dating as many people as it takes to find the one. 

But if you do insist on 1, beware, he may buy himself a scuba tank, some fins and diving goggles and it's sayonara! 

Do you think you should end up with the first person you date? Did you“ace” it the first time? The thirteenth time? Tell us?

Psst! If you've been dating #1 forever and you know it isn't working out. Would you stay because you don't want to lose all that time and resources you invested?  

When Opposites Attract| What To Know When Loving An Extrovert or Introvert

So you fell in love with someone who is completely different from you. Surprise! No surprise there, actually, a good number of us find ourselves attracted to people who are fundamentally different from us. The further they are from us on the temperament spectrum, the more googly and starry our eyes become. Num.

Opposites attract; we bond over our similarities, and are fascinated by our differences. Extroverts, for some reason, find introverts mysteriously hot, while introverts find extroverts colorfully entertaining, and like the opposite ends of a magnet, *snap* we stick. This isn't always the case as you know, but you and I can agree that we know at least 250,346,000 couples living out this extrovert-meets-introvert love story.

It's awesome being with someone who is different, it provides experiences you never would have had otherwise. One of you likes to party, while the other loves the couch, then you get the best of both worlds! One of you loves to be around family, friends and even family of friends, and the other loves the company of the wall (In fact, maybe you've caught him smiling at the wall a few times) Well, best of both worlds again; sometimes, you could both hang out with people, and sometimes, you could both smile at the wall.

I took the Myers Briggs test a few years ago and it turns out I'm both an introvert and extrovert. I'm a hybrid of some sort, so that explains a lot. Lol. Ed is the star of the show because he has to know when to switch methods of loving me. I decided to write this post on how to love your introvert or extrovert because I'm a hybrid and I get the complexity of all of this. Stay with me.

First, let's get this out there—there is nothing wrong with your introvert or extrovert. If she is a couch-lover and you always know where the party is at, that's fine. There's nothing wrong with this person you love, in fact, you'll find that you complement each other quite well. If your extrovert loves to host friends and strangers at your dinner table every weekend, there's nothing wrong with that either, it's a personality type and is part of what makes him the person you love. The strangers though...(can't help you there).

In these cases when opposites attract, it's usually important to accept the person the way he or she is, cherish your similarities and celebrate your differences.

It makes your experience all the richer—walls, strangers and all. Let's assume your introvert is a "He" and our extrovert is a "She". Here are some important tips on how to love them: 

How to love your introvert

#1 Accept him (there is nothing wrong with being reclusive) Don't try to make him an extrovert, that's not who he is.

#2 Let him have his own space. Respect the space 

#3 Never criticize him publicly

#4 Never demand to settle a quarrel on the spot. Internalizing is a bid deal to introverts. Let him walk through the process. He'll speak eventually.

#5 Listen when he finally starts to speak, read between the lines and clarify after he is done communicating. Clarify after, not during, it may disrupt the internalizing and thought process and then in goes Mr. Turtle into his shell. 

#6 Make time for him

#7 Celebrate him privately (I feel like some extroverts like to be celebrated publicly as well). However, if he really doesn't like being center of attention, keep it private.

#8 Acknowledge his arrival in public with very little ruckus, nothing to draw attention!

#9 Don't let him feel left out during conversations with other people, ask what his opinion is. Acknowledge his contribution.

How to love your extrovert

#1 Accept her (there is nothing wrong with being gregarious) Don't try to make her into an introvert, she'll grow defensive and weird.

#2 Let her fly! Extroverts love to be around people, they feed off the energy of congregated parties, you might need to make some adjustments to learn to tolerate having lots of people in your space(lol)

#3 Praise your extrovert publicly and let her hear you do it

#4 Let her do her thing, whether it's to travel or hang out or host multitudes at your home

#5 Don't guilt trip her when she returns from doing her thing (very important, it contradicts #6)

#6 Support her activities. Buy her a ticket to Maui, make her multitude feel welcome at your home, party sometimes 

#7 Let her know she is the life of the party

#8 Let her know she is the life of your party (*cue* awww)

#9 Be happy to see her in private and in public and show how happy you are!

Are you an introvert or extrovert? How do you like to be loved? How do you love yours?