Talking Donkeys
Balaam and his donkey are the stars of one of the most alarming stories in the bible. God is patient. Oh my! Like, he is repeat-myself-to-you-a-million-times kinda patient. The kind of God, in my experience who will repeat himself to you until you act. 5 bucks says He had spoken to Balaam in many ways and sent many other people to tell him the very same message- his mum, his mother-in-law, his granny, his neighbor’s granny...
Balaam and his donkey are the stars of one of the most alarming stories in the bible. God is patient. Oh my! Like, he is repeat-myself-to-you-a-million-times kinda patient. The kind of God, in my experience who will repeat himself to you until you act. 5 bucks says He had spoken to Balaam in many ways and sent many other people to tell him the very same message- his mum, his mother-in-law, his granny, his neighbor’s granny, but Balaam wouldn’t listen. At wits end, his donkey speaks too! Donkey had had it. Everyone is telling you the same thing, Balaam. Get it together, bro.
Me, as Balaam
God has been talking to me about something. Two things in fact. The very same things, I’ve heard them at least from 8 people over the last 3 weeks. That’s alot. Of course, every time I hear it I break into an eerie knowing smile which creeps the person out and that pleases me somewhat. More importantly, for whatever reason, I’d hear the instruction, grunt my religious good-word-good-word Christian grunt and nod my Christian nod in agreement with the messenger and then do nothing! Lol. Not funny at all.
This is definitely the same way Balaam started—Instruction, grunt, glory hallelujah, good word, disobey. Instruction, grunt, amen, tongues, disobey, the cycle continues.
God keeps sending messengers. That’s who he is. He really wants you to get it.
The key is to obey before animals start speaking to you. Donkeys. Dogs. Pigeons. Cats. *Shivers* Of all the animals though, a cat would be the creepiest.
I have cats in my building. Blink.
I best obey.
Anything He has been telling you to do?
"The 7-Step Plan to Get a Good Man" by Naomi Elimelech
No offense to Ruth's Ex, but Boaz might be the dreamiest, most distinguished guy in the entire Bible. Read the 4 chapters of the book of Ruth, you will have a crush on him for days! I have only good words for Boaz. He was a real stand-up guy. A good guy. Of course, we found scientific proof in this post that women tend to walk all over good guys and love bad guys instead. Unfortunately but fortunately, bad boys go out of style. As women get older, they forget that bad-boys-are-so-steamy nonesense and want the real deal. Boaz was the realest deal.
What made Boaz so dreamy? He was mature, you could tell from his character; the way he conducted himself and treated others. He saw her heart and the good in it and he commended her for it; he had excellent work ethics and prayed for his workers, which is starkly different from Nabal's work ethics; Boaz noticed Ruth; he blessed her; he cared about her reputation, even when she did something a little "brazen"*insert whistle*, he honored her; he physically served her some food (he won me here); he was a provider, finally, (and this was what killed it), he waited for her. We all know that delayed gratification is the sexiest symbol of strength. He waited until all the legal, cultural, familial, social, societal protocols were complete before all the furniture-shifting making-out started.
Delayed gratification is the sexiest show of strength!
Anyway, Naomi's jaw dropped when she heard Ruth had kinda landed Boaz. The dream-boat of the town! Quickly, she came up with this crazy idea to make sure Ruth had him good, which you probably should not try in these modern times. Lol. Mark my words, if you do, he will get creeped out and he will call the police. So let's figure out together, what would Naomi's "gettagoodman" plan look like in this modern day? You can find it in Ruth 3:3-4. Here goes:
Step 1: "Wash"
Present day interpretation: Umm...wash. Wash is still the same today, as it was in 1365 BC. Hygiene has to be tip-top. No negotiation.
Step 2: "...Put on perfume..."
Present day interpretation: Don't smell good. Smell really good! Let him know you don't smell like farm and barley, or like coffee and printer ink all day long. Engage his sense of smell. By the way, I have a theory** about the role of perfume in this "gettagoodman" scheme, so keep reading.
Step 3: "...Get dressed in your best clothes..."
Present day interpretation: Always look your best (not someone else's best but look your own best). 10/10 all day, everyday. Engage his sense of vision. Make the effort, use the amount of makeup you are comfortable with. After getting ready, ask yourself, "Is this the best I can do for me?"
Step 4: "...Then go down to the threshing floor..."
Present day interpretation: Go out to the places you expect your dream man to be.
Step 5: "...But donʼt let him know you are there, until he has finished eating and drinking."
Present day interpretation: Don't be too available. Don't like all his photos and reply all his snaps. Don't go to his apartment every weekend! Also apparently, wining and dining seems to precede romance. *shrug* Somethings never change.
Step 6: "When he lies down, note the place where he is lying..."
Present day interpretation: Be observant, watch him. Cyber-stalk him. Muhaha. Stalk with stealth though. See past the glitz and have a good perception of who he really is.
Step 7: "...Then go and uncover his feet and lie down. He will tell you what to do."
Present-day interpretation: Whao. This is my favorite part of it, and also is the bit that could get you arrested, if try out this stunt today. Sneaking into a guy's bedroom unannounced and bothering his toes. Federal offense. I'm guessing it was a thing in their culture. Uncover his feet in this day would mean make him uncomfortable, not in a bad way. Sometimes, men need to be nudged to see Ruth. Does anyone one know any practical ways to nudge? Lol!
Once you've done all 6 steps, the 7th step is entirely up to him. If he doesn't get what's going on after all 6 steps, then he is probably married or really, really, really isn't into you. And that is the part where you move on.
In Sunday school, Mary was the saint, Esther was the Queen and Ruth was the desperado. Now, I see she really wasn't. She was just following the careful, wise instruction of an older woman, who knew the culture and knew the kind of man Boaz was; a man who wouldn't take advantage of a vulnerable person. Naomi's advice in a nut shell is this: once you've done your homework and you realize he's a great guy, engage him with the right amount of proactivity, not too much. Don't be in his face all the time. Look and smell very good always, make sure he can't put you in his friends' zone and remember to remain enshrouded in mystery, it'll drive him crazy.
*shrugs*
*drops mic*
*walks out of tent*
The End
My "gettagoodman" perfume theory
**The sense of smell is controlled by the frontal lobe, the same portion of the brain that controls speech, concentration, movement/motor function and emotional reactions. When he gets a good whiff of you, chances are that you are about to turn him into a blubbering, distracted, paralyzed, emotional wreck, which is great! Lol. It's only temporary anyway. The sense of smell directly influences emotional responses and, concentration which is a major "gettagoodman" hack. Esther, during her year-long beauty program, spent 6 months in a special perfume application program! Perfume is important. Nothing more to say.
Here is another post that describes techniques to catch fish...and by fish we mean good guys! What are your thoughts on Naomi's "Gettagoodman" plan?! Do you know any practical ways to make him uncomfortable enough to make the move?
CSI Eden: Cain&Abel
Crime Scene Investigation Notes
Deceased: Abel Adam
? Wounds consistent with signs of struggle
Blood spatter apparent
Weapon: Rock
No human witnesses—sheep(maybe); God
Suspects: Eve, Adam, Cain (wow, 3 suspects on the entire planet, this should be easy)
Right in the middle of writing this CSI note, I got up from my desk, stood in the middle of my living room and acted out the entire story of Cain and Abel. Crime scene investigators do this sometimes, just so they have a deeper understanding of the crime scene. If my webcam was on, my career might very well be over.
This is how my one-woman play went; I started out acting as Cain (ploughing the ground with an imaginary hoe), then I switched to Abel, who is holding a staff and smiling sheepishly, and befittingly at his sheep.
Next thing, it’s offering time—Cain is running home to watch the next episode of Blacklist and remembers the offering-thing, so he runs past his corn field, grabs three ears of corn without stopping, dumps them outside the tent and does a blacklist marathon.
Abel, has been planning his offering for a while now, he has been feeding a few sheep a little extra to get them fat. He grabs the sheep, leads them home, ties them up to the tent peg and feeds them again.
The bible records that Cain offered his sacrifice first; I offer his first.
One of the most apparent things about this whole affair was how different their sacrifices were. Cain brought crops and Abel brought “fat portions of the first born of his flock”.
During the act of offering, as Cain, I knelt down, bowed my head and offered to God my scrawny corn ears but my offering act was interrupted by thoughts of Blacklist, those screenwriters are crazy, the last episode though — then I spent the remainder of the time staring at Abel’s magnificently dressed offering and comparing it with mine. As long as I stared at this imaginary offering of Abel’s, I got increasingly angered and envious, I may have gone over to it and kicked it over…just a little (I really get into character with these things). Later on, I hit him on the head and hide his body. Then I have nightmares. Loads of them.
Fact: The first murder ever recorded, was caused by comparison.
Compare
\kəm-ˈper\
verb
to look at (two or more things) closely in order to see what is similar or different about them or in order to decide which one is better**
Comparison is never without the elements of superiority and inferiority. The whole point of comparing is to see which is better or to see that they are at least the same and worthy of the same attention.
Comparison works in two ways, we compare, find out that we are doing better than the other person and we get complacent with a smirk on your face, which is a fool’s signature (not my words, Proverbs 1:32).
The other way comparison could work would be by discovering that we aren’t measuring up to this other person and then jealousy steps in, he/she becomes a reference for everything we do. You struggle and imitate so desperately until you lose focus and discover one day that you have lost yourself; your mission, your goals are all muddled up because you left your lane and are now on the sidewalk.
We choose how this ends. Cain didn’t have to kill Abel but he chose to anyway.
Jealousy is a crazy thing. It makes you lose the essence of who you are.
If you have been comparing yourself to someone or comparing your work to someone else’s, let it go. Your offerings are very different, no matter how seemingly similar.
I, later acted out Cain and Abel a different way. This time, Abel didn’t die. Cain faced his sacrifice, apologized to God for the shabby presentation. He appreciated the uniqueness of his offering and asked Abel for tips on better presentation. Abel got to have a wife and family and we kinda had another race of humans from him.
The End
Oh yeah, case closed! Cain did it. Note to self, do not compare all this awesomeness with another person's unique awesomeness. That just isn’t a fair scale.
*wink*
What are your thoughts on CSI: Eden? What do you think is the best way to deal with comparison in our crazy world? Has this helped in any way? Have you read this post yet?
{Author's note: Humans had been kicked out of Eden at this time; it was used in this post because it was the most relevant geographical reference at the time of this event. **Definition from Merriam Webster Dictionary.}
The Best Thing About Stepping into Poop
Without fail, in the last year, I've landed myself in at least 2 full, loads of glorious metaphorical shit. Pardon my French but if you knew what they were you'd say, "Oh Whao, Ike, crap!"
There I was, waist-deep, determined not to wade in this life-altering problems, because you know how these things work- wade, wade, trip, fall face-in, gurgle. In other words, moving and struggling would have landed me in deeper trouble. It could have gotten much, much worse. Right, where were we? I was in a huge poop pickle. Naturally, I panicked and then I told God, who calmed me down as always; then I told Ed, who is always very calm during the worst situations. We talked about these problems and then proceeded to find a solution-all three of us.
If you've even been in trouble before, you know how much you want to get out, right, and once you do, it's Sayōnara to that rubbish! That was exactly what I did; the moment I got out, I cleaned up quickly and I basked in the relief of the resolution of the problems and just kept going. Sigh, the delight of being free! And then one day, a metaphorical anvil fell on my head, in form of a bible verse. Here it is;
“And the Lord said, “Simon, Simon! Indeed, Satan has asked for you, that he may sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, that your faith should not fail...””
I don't know about you but whenever I see that scripture, I imagine Satan sitting on an apoti* sifting garri**. Lol!
That verse caused crazy questions to float through my mind, and if you have answers don't hesitate to comment: Why has Satan asked for Simon? He prayed specifically for one person? Why? Wait, Satan can make requests?! Satan prays?
In spite of all my query, one thing was clear; Peter was in deep shit. There's just no cute way of saying it. Satan had asked specifically for him. Thank God, for Jesus who prays for us all the time and rescues us from poopy-situations. Peter still had to go through the trial though, note.
The anvil bit of the verse comes at the end...
“...When you have come through the time of testing, when you have turned around, turn to your companions and strengthen them...”
The best thing about being in deep shit is getting people out of it once we are on safe ground. We win battles everyday. Every single day and one person is still caught in the struggle. After you catch your breath (which probably don't smell like roses), reach back and help some more people out.
If you've ever been rescued from the reluctance to forgive, from malice, envy, addiction, depression, poverty, abuse, please remember that people struggle with these trials everyday. Reach out, pray for them and draw them on to clean grounds! I'm certain someone was praying for me, somewhere, somehow.
Illustration by Mari Andrew
Every triumph is awarded with a trophy but instead of placing that on a mantle and beaming at it, like I did, please take it back to your site of victory, stretch it out until someone grabs hold of the other handle and help the person out of you-know-what.
Don't you just love the girl in this photo? I almost hugged her through the screen when I saw how her expression translates directly to the post title! Do you remember a time you were sure someone was praying for you? Do you have any answers to my questions about Peter? I'd love to read your thoughts and learn!
Page by Ike will be on a blogger's vacay in the month of September, we will be back on the 1st of October by God's grace! Great chance to catch up, right? I know, that's what I said too! See you soon!
Why You Shouldn't Throw Eggs At Prostitutes
Sometimes, I sit on my sofa, put up my feet and seriously wonder about God. He is nothing like us. He doesn't think like us, he doesn't work like us and he doesn't speak like us.
He's so unpredictable with his plans and unapologetically so. For example, He sent Jesus into the most unlikely family on earth, the last family you'd expect to have our Saviour born into. Jesus' great great gramps and grams had some very scandalous situations in their lives. He had super-great gramps Judah, who played a little more than footsie with a girl who he thought was a prostitute. She turned out to be his daughter-in-law. Cringe! *Secret of the Sand script-flip* Of course, the one-night-stand produced a baby called Perez!
Jesus also had Rahab (aka Sugar-Rae), the prostitute with the sultry pout, the endless hair and legs for miles. Something tells me she was pretty good at her job, she'd wink and hand you a business card and mouth, "You can call me Sugar-Rae." Her house was on the wall of the city, so she probably had a welcome package with non-transferable coupons for new tourists (She was a great business woman).
Jesus had super-gramps Solomon, who was born by a woman, whose husband, David had murdered intentionally to get with her *side eye*.
When I think about these stories, I interlace my fingers behind my head and smile. I like that He doesn't think like me. I adore Him for it. He will use anyone to get his business done. You'd think God would pick a "flawless generation" but nope, it pleased him to use that one crazy family, even though they had DRA-MAH!
Let's not turn up our noses up at anyone or any family. We are all beautifully crafted for use, yes, even the Rae-Rae's!
Hey, what are your thoughts? I'd love to know!
Where's Jack Bauer When you need Him?
These days, i am the most alert citizen. With all the shootings, terrorist attacks and bombings, my eyes are peeled back constantly, staring everyone down.
I look at everyone's waist band for concealed weapons. I look closely at people who act strange; i'm on the look out for abandoned bags and packages; staring everyone in the eyes with my best street look. I'm like Jack Bauer's protégé! I should get my own Chloé.
I probably shouldn't be doing all that staring; pretty sure I look strange too, with my eyes huge and fixated on everyone's belt area.
How do we survive these crazy times?
Before we even existed, God had already given us tons of promises to keep us through these dark days. Simple promises. I wish they were complex but they aren't. Straight to the point and faultless ❤️ On those we rely and on them we feast.
“Trust in the LORD and do good. Then you will live safely in the land and prosper.”
Life Hack: Repetitive, Loveless Sex and other stories
“It is obvious what kind of life develops out of trying to get your own way all the time: repetitive, loveless, cheap sex; a stinking accumulation of mental and emotional garbage; frenzied and joyless grabs for happiness; trinket gods; magic-show religion; paranoid loneliness; cutthroat competition; all-consuming-yet-never-satisfied wants; a brutal temper; an impotence to love or be loved; divided homes and divided lives; small-minded and lopsided pursuits; the vicious habit of depersonalizing everyone into a rival; uncontrolled and uncontrollable addictions; ugly parodies of community. I could go on.
This isn’t the first time I have warned you, you know. If you use your freedom this way, you will not inherit God’s kingdom.”
Yet again, the bible nailed it! NAILED IT! So apt, i could close my eyes, whirl my finger and stab the screen and be 92% sure that i'd hit something i can relate to. Those are all the not-so-fun things that happen when we do our own thing and ignore God, when we live by our own plans.
Stuff goes wrong when i go my own way
Each one is amusingly and painfully true, I don't even know where to start. Ok, maybe line 9: "the vicious habit of depersonalizing everyone into a rival." That moment when you irrationally believe none of your friends should drive a BMW like you or be as successful as you are (Beep. Rival alert) or that moment you meet a nice looking lady and you conclude that she's trying to steal your husband (BEEP!) LOL! Borderline cuckoo-cuckoo. This is what happens when we don't spend time with God and let our minds run amok and be ruled by our emotions instead of His spirit. Good news though, we hacked the "frenzied and joyless grabs for happiness" problem (line 4) in a previous post.
It all ends here; God gives us freedom, the way we use it is completely up to us. If He had his way though, you would love and be loved, not be trapped in a cycle of repetitive, loveless sex with some random person; you'd be delighted every second of your existence, rid of all mental garbage; you'd dream big and achieve greatness; you wouldn't be subjected to addictions, no porn-lovin', no drugs. If He had his way, we wouldn't hoard cheap trinkets, in other words, our idea of value wouldn't be so limited; values like the number of double taps on IG pictures or friends on FB. He'd rather load us with pearls, chrysolites, amethysts, sapphires and crazy-sounding gem stones we've never even heard of; He'd hook us up with higher standards of value. We wouldn't depend on the validation of people or the need to identify with a group, instead, He'd be our identity, He'd be our contentment and joy and he'd be our treasure.
Give him a chance, you've got nothing to lose.
Just for a second, go over the quote again. What part of it jumped out at you?
Foregone
Fiction
It is abominable, that which I do.
But I hurry to it anyway.
I follow the stream by the white light of the moon, stilling myself at every sound of crunching leaves or rustling bushes. I have wrapped myself in the darkest Ankara, on top of it, is my father’s hunting tunic, darker than night. I have smeared his tobacco and spice behind my ears to ward off any strangers or their dogs.
A traveling stranger is less interesting if she smells of tobacco and roots, than of hibiscus and lemons.
In my hand, is my shepherd’s crook. It whacks and chokes, whether it be sheep or person.
This is no man's land, distant from mother's watchful eye. Any assailant would be out of range of father’s arrow.
Now well into the forest, I hear the faint roar of the waters and my heart races. Quickly, I begin to climb the hill.
It is dark but I know where to place my feet, where to grip and brace, where to heave and lift. The darkness amplifies the thunder of the rushing waterfall of Arè. It surrounds, it terrifies. It is enough to fail a heart.
I remove my sandals and wade into the river, she welcomes me and draws me in along the current. I hold unto familiar stones, slippery and some tufty with growth, my feet find ground on the sandy bed. I feel for the rocks and climb out into a cave.
At last.
He is there waiting.
He rises to his feet. My heart thumps, my belly flutters.
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