The Best Social Media Analogy I Ever Heard
The images on social media are like the case of the Newscaster who sits at his desk, airbrushed, water-based makeup on, perfect hair, tie knotted, shirt crisp. He begins to speak, everything is excellent. Then the director yells, “Cut!” He gets up from his chair, and the truth is revealed—he’s wearing no pants...
The images on social media are like the case of the Newscaster who sits at his desk, perfect hair, airbrushed-water-based makeup on, tie knotted, shirt crisp. He begins to speak, everything is excellent. Then the director yells, “Cut!”
He gets up from his chair, and the truth is revealed—he’s wearing no pants. His shirt hangs over a pair of baggy briefs. He tears the velcro tie from his shirt and yells for some beer while scratching his behind.
Summary, nothing is as it appears in reality, and especially on social media.
We only ever see people put their best forward online. And can you blame us? We only curate happy memories, the bad memories would rather be forgotten. Plus everyone would like to be considered with dignity and not remembered for beating up a family member in the elevator (hey, no shade thrown). So everyone puts up happy family portraits; no one puts up a photo when cutie and you are having an argument, although I think, I might do this one day. One for the gram. Everyone puts up adorable baby photos, never photos of the screaming not-so-adorable baby who hasn’t slept in 6 hours; they do not Snapchat their toddler chewing indecipherable stuff from the floor either. No one puts up their credit card balance, but you see the Ferragamo logo. And just to drive home my point, I will never Snapchat my charred plantains, because charred plantains bring everyone joy and cheer...said no one ever.
Don’t let yourself be overwhelmed by what other people’s lives look like on camera. That tie maybe velcro and those hair extensions too. On the other hand, they also maybe real. Either way, be joyful about the lives others are blessed with and content with all you have.
The analogy cracks me up. Nonetheless, it shouldn't comfort us that these people’s lives may not be what they seem, in fact we should extend all human goodwill and pray they are as they appear in public or online—pray that couple is truly happy, that Ferrari hasn’t broken the bank, that baby is truly a toothless saint(right), that tie isn’t velcro and everyone has pants on. It’s the decent, human thing to do.
Do you ever post not-so-perfect photos? Ever have social media envy?
Analogy from my brother, Akin.
Sliding into Her DM: Are you Making these Mistakes?
I personally applaud and respect any man who has the courage to walk up to a girl or slide into her DM(Direct message) or even send her a love note. It takes courage and a sweet dose of vulnerability and confidence to do any of these.
"Sliding into DMs", for those who don't know, is the way millennials "walk up to a girl and ask for her 'digits'."It's just how the kids do it these days. You see her, send her a direct message, start a relationship, #ShesaidYes, wham...family portrait!
My friend is planning on sliding into a girl's DM soon. I'm so excited and oh...have we mapped out his strategy or what! Hehe. *rubbing hands together mischievously*. He has been watching her for weeks and is like the ultimate cyberstalker. He knows what she likes, who she hangs with, where she hangs out, what she listens to. Don't call the cops, we just want to have a friendly conversation ... and a family portrait! Lol.
Some people find DM-sliding a little offensive, because, well, it shows that the guy, like my friend, has been stalking them a little, which on some level is a little worrisome...flattering...but worrisome all the same.
I haven't successfully stalked and dated a guy off the internet, so I can't give you a step-by-step process of how to slay cyber-stalking so well that you'd end up at the altar but I can tell you a few things than might turn women off, if you do choose to slide.
Here goes:
Sliding in on LinkedIn (1)
So, you are on LinkedIn for no particular reason, you absent-mindedly hit the "my network" widget at the bottom. LinkedIn readily provides a long list of people who you might know but you honestly have no clue who they are. You begin to scroll through the awkward smiles, ambitious suits and professional mugshots.
Scroll.
Scroll.
Suddenly your thumb goes stiff. You see the prettiest girl, with the fullest lips and the most captivating frozen stare, gazing out from the most beautiful face you've ever seen! Naturally, your blood begins to boil. You skim quickly through her profile. Hmmn, impressive. Your suspended thumb begins to quiver and hover over the Inmail button.
Don’t!
Whatever you do, DO NOT slide into her Inmail.
I know, a lot of people meet their significant others on social media. However, LinkedIn is a professional platform. The mission of LinkedIn is "to connect the world's professionals to make them more productive and successful"....which has nothing to do with her lips or her stare or your love life.
There are other platforms that would provide the right mood for your advances: Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat. You can look for her on those platforms but not LinkedIn. LinkedIn is so professional that any guy who hits on a girl there looks like he's "idle", which is like profanity within a professional setting. Don't be that guy. Find her on Facebook or Instagram. Of course, that also takes some skill, otherwise, you'd be deleted, unfriended and blocked in one flick of her wrist.
Using words of endearment at-first-DM (2)
Using the words like damsel, bae, baby, bo, boo, sexy, beautiful, lovely or any term of endearment in your introductory statement is a "Nah"; also telling her she's pretty or sexy or you think "you are in love" is also a little invasive, to say the least.
It's like walking up to her physically and saying those words to her face. You'll get a long hiss and a feisty rendition of Megan Trainhor's "No".
Typing just the word "Hi" and nothing else (3)
If she's that attractive, chances are that you aren't the only slider. "Hi" is great, it's definitely better than "Sexy Damsel", however, don't just send Hi. No kidding, our first response is usually 👀 . Introduce yourself briefly and comment on a recent post of hers- a friendly, not-too-familiar comment. Also don't say "I want to be your friend." That line has been worked to death.
Liking everything on her timeline posted since 2005 (4)
What can I say? You just have to stalk with style.
Having a record of cyber bullying or aggression (5)
The internet never forgets! Muhaha. One day that brash, harsh comment you made on someone's profile will come back like a bad rash; and just in time to blow your chance of getting with this girl you like.
Having a boring profile (6)
This includes outdated grainy profile photos from 2006 (even worse, no profile photo at all). If you are putting yourself out there by sliding into her DM, then go all the way! Give her something to look at! A nice photograph does wonders.
The whole essence, in summary, is to stalk with stealth. Introduce yourself, be pleasant, clever and witty. Try not to like all the photos she has ever put up since 2009. Remember, stealth. Study her. If she responds to your introductory message, send a follow-up message. Still no endearment, please. You have it from here. Chat with her without flirting until she shows some form of interest. If she doesn't show any, keep scrolling! There's a girl out there in the huge expanse of cyberspace for you, with whom might be the possible chance of a family portrait!
Wish you the very best in your stalking endeavors!
Hey, do you get LinkedIn slide-ins? What are your thoughts on romantically-inclined direct messaging?
Related posts: Why phone-dating isn't as bad as it sounds; Dating by referral; How to get her to be ready for your date on time!
How the Apes Plan to Take Over the World
One word. Meme-a-thons; this is how I spend my evenings, unwinding, giggling, even bawling sometimes. In the last two years, i have increasingly become a social media addict. That isn't shocking to you because you probably are an addict as well. Lol. I probably watch at the least 45 memes a day!
Well, studies show that the human brain loves being online! We love it! Our brains are like an insatiable trough that craves excitement and amusement. We are constantly looking for the next best thing, the next best meme. We are way past addiction with this internet-social media thing. In 2012, the average time spent on the Internet was about 3-5 hours, a day, now, we are spending about 5-7 hours a day!
This increased use of the internet and being perpetually transfixed on social media is now known to cause a loss of empathy, impaired decision making, and a perpetual adrenaline-high, resulting in mind fatigue.
Here's how: On either side of the cerebral hemispheres in your brain are the insular cortices. The insular controls your consciousness, emotions, empathy, cognition and interpersonal functions in general. In more practical terms, the insular controls your self-consciousness and environmental awareness; it's the reason you cry when your friend mourns, the reason you help when someone is in trouble etc. Studies now show that the increase in media-use causes a direct shrinkage of the insular!
Now here's where I'm going with this, the scary part, the ONLY other creature on earth who has access to the functionality of this insular- this ability to access these higher emotions, is the ape.
The apes show empathy, they cringe, they mourn with members of their family and friends. When a cousin ape falls into a 9-foot ditch, they don't giggle and take out their iPhones to record. When an ape kid gets hit by a car, they don't step over her and send out tweets about how they just witnessed something "absolutely crazy!" They don't have social media, so I'm guessing these apes are definitely not shrinking their insulars away, instead, probably developing this function quite extensively while we run around like zombies poking our phones and laughing intermittently at memes!
Decisions. Decisions. Moderate my nightly meme-a-thons or keep shrinking my brain and let the apes take over?
Of course, I'm not saying we should ditch social media all together, No! I love social media and all those crazy memes but I'm suggesting that we tone it down a bit and save the insular!
Imagine one morning you wake up, you hear a low grunt from the right side of your bed, it's an ape and he's wearing military gear with a side smile, he's holding your phone. He hangs it over your head, taunting you, as you would have taunted him with a banana. In a split second, he throws your phone into a large steel cage sitting in the corner of your room, you look at him, then at the phone, ....Would you jump in? Would I?
From my overactive mind.......