How to End up with the Sexiest Person Alive
On the bunch of keys that open the door to a great relationship, is one shiny silver key that no one likes to talk about.
Attraction.
We talk about it but then it’s quickly lost in that whole, “it’s what’s on the inside that matters” jingle, which by all means is the truth and a great jingle, otherwise, the relationship would be superficial and weird and all you’d have is a pretty picture and nothing else. See what I mean, almost lost my silver key there talking about that jingle again. Back to our gist.
My friend once broke up with a guy because she didn’t find him attractive and I didn't understand why she did that.
“…But he’s a good guy!” I protested, “Why would you do that?” Then one day, as I was thinking about this, I realized that she had a point; a very valid point.
Assuming she married this nice, responsible man- because Ike didn’t wouldn’t stop whining about how great a guy he was (I really didn’t stop)- what would happen? They would play house for about a month or two, have a series of “lie-there-like-a-fish” sexual encounters, then what? She’d keep on living with someone who she had no attraction or particular liking for. Classic case of Marianne in Jane Austen’s Sense and Sensibility. She would be miserable. She’s glad she didn’t stay with him because now he's with someone who thinks he looks better than a shirtless Channing Tatum on a pole! One sister’s Elma Ford is another sister’s Channing.
One of my guy-friends did the same. He broke up with a girl who he didn’t find attractive. Now she is with someone who thinks she is some form of Gisele-Megan Good-Scarlette Jo' hybrid and she’s about to start planning her wedding.
These two friends of mine were light-years ahead of me in realizing three things; 1. In marriage, there should be a lot of rustling sheets(fact); 2. Physical attraction matters (fact); 3. Ike isn’t the one who has to live with their decisions and lie there like a fish (fact)
Really, there’s nothing wrong with choosing not to be with people you aren’t physically into and vice versa. You are simply making them available to the people who find them irresistible. Someone else would cherish, honor him and give him the best sex of his life *shrug*
Take this as another example: One time, I met a guy who liked me and everything about me except the shape of my head Lol! Can you even believe it? My glorious, wonderful head! That’s the way the world works, preferences, desires, decisions. If he stuck it out with me and my head (assuming I complied), we’d be in a relationship which just involves him staring angrily at my head and kicking himself, while I’d be staring outside a window pining for Ed, who clearly loves my head (He tells me this all the time.)
We know that physical appearance isn’t the primary criteria for choosing a life-partner; of course, this person you have chosen, must have a wonderful, beautiful spirit and heart with which you connect so intimately, that you have frequent fits of increased heart palpitations per minute; but also, this person must test your self-control, if you know what I mean*insert stupid grin*
Choose the right person for you- there’s only ever one “sexiest-person-in-the-world” for each person. Choose your very own sexiest person alive and don't settle for less!
I would love to read your thoughts on this. Do you agree with the decision to let go? Does physical attraction matter to you? Do you like the shape of my head? (Trick question)
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5 Obvious Habits That Make Relationships Go Kaboom
In relationships, there are good "Kabooms" and there are bad "Kabooms". This post aims to point out 5 bad-kaboom triggers that could cause a relationship to go desperately wrong. They may seem trivial and the big deal may be questioned. However, the presence of these habits in a relationship implies that the relationship needs a little work, as do all relationships, that we may all attain the good kaboom (fireworks) *grin*
Bad Kaboom Triggers
1. Hanging up the phone
Someone recently asked me if it was OK for a person's significant other to make a habit of hanging up the phone in anger.
Yes, it is...if your significant other is 12 years old.
Adult relationships require a lot more than hanging up to prove a point or to show displeasure. The last time I hung up on someone was a while back but still I'm sure Elmo was disappointed.
Action: If you can't deal with the conversation at that moment, simply state that you are upset, would need some alone-timeand excuse yourself.
2. Cussing out (privately or publicly)
Except cussing out is a huge turn-on or a value-adding activity for a couple, it's probably best not to. Berating your significant other, in front of other people isn't cool at all. It shows a lack of respect and drops you down everyone's hangout list. "Not inviting those guys to dinner anytime soon."
Action: Get on everyone's guest list by postponing the resolution of your misunderstanding to a later time when you are both alone.
3. Talking about your problems to other people
Here's the gist and I hope you'll agree: Anyone who will not be present after the disagreement, at the "make-up make-out" session should not be involved in any step of the disagreement either. Third parties shouldn't be in your relationship's business, neither should you run to them when stuff gets weird.
Action: Talk to the only other people involved in this spat- God and your partner
4. Running to mummy every time something goes wrong
My mum also believes in the 'make-up make-out' rule. Why run to mum when mum has her own make-out schedule to keep?! Figure it out, child!
5. Not listening
This is not the same as zoning out, although they have the same results. Not listening doesn't mean you aren't present mentally during the conversation but it means you aren't reading between the lines and trying to understand what S.O is saying. Half of the things we try to say never get said. They instead come out in weird blurts and verbal squirts that convey less meaning than they actually imply.
Paying rapt attention to S.O and understanding what's being said helps the quality of a relationship a lot! I've come to notice that on the days I pay attention to what Ed is really saying, I almost always get a "I'm so good at decoding and decrypting, I should be employed by the CIA" feeling!
Action: Read between the lines.
What are your thoughts on this topic? Are there times that it's absolutely necessary to talk to someone about relationship problems? Are there any more habits you think could make relationships go wrong?
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Real Stories #8: Notes To Read On The Dating Roller Coaster!
Hi, people! My name is .... o wait, I am supposed to be anonymous. Ike asked me to write a few things that I have learnt on my dating journey. I have written them in notes-to-self style. I hope my notes help someone else out there! Whenever you get question mark symbols floating above your head and heart about certain issues, flip back to this post, it just might help! Best wishes on that wild, dating roller coaster and holla if you see me. O wait...I'm anonymous. This anonymous thing is tricky. Hmmn.
Let's jump right in:
- If the kissing is poor, making out will be nothing more than poor *cringe*
- Not every relationship will end in marriage
- Don't superimpose another relationship on yours. No two relationships are the same
- Don’t date out of pity. You will be wasting everyone's time
- Don’t do trial-dating either (it’s a trial because one party isn't interested)
- Communicate. Engage. Understand.
- Be empathetic, try to see from the other person's point of view...
- ...but don’t drop your standards because you are trying to be empathetic.
- Find the 'mumu*' button and use it well *grins*
- Let your 'No' be 'No', have some self-respect and you'll avoid being taken for granted.
- Be friends, play games, challenge each other, laugh together, be rivals, pray together.
- Always, always express how you feel, be vulnerable, be happy, be yourself, be angry, be emotional, be irritable, be cranky, be hungry, be everything that makes you you. The sooner he knows everything about you, the better.
- Maintain eye contact (it spells intimacy).
- Don’t lie; some lies don’t follow you to the grave. And if you guys end up together, you might confess mistakenly.
- If there’s anything that bothers him that you do, consider compromise, if its doable.
- ..but don’t compromise your happiness for someone else’s. Be happy, be selfish! Muhaha. Ok, don't be selfish but understand the concept of compromise and apply it wisely.
- If you can't imagine spending the rest of your life with him, don’t make out and definitely don’t have sex with him.
*mumu: in this context mumu means lovingly taking advantage of your S.O's affections for you. It's not as twisted as it sounds. Let's rephrase, lovingly and effectively channeling your S.O's affections for you to the things you care about so that he spends his romantic energy wisely. Take that Merriam Webster!
This is story #8 of the "Dating Like Crazy" series (read #7, #6, #5, #4, #3, #2 and #1 ). This article was written by an anonymous contributor. Please note that this is a real story, please comment kindly. Thanks.
Real Stories #7: Retired Chauvinists, Love and Skoin-Skoin
I've always been mysterious. I was one of those guys who had everyone guessing who his girlfriend was. It was customary for me to be seen with a lot of 'remarkably pretty girls' without actually being with anyone of them. I wouldn’t say I was a player or a demon, though people might have lazily classified me as such.
Contrary to what outsiders thought, I was actually struggling to ‘seal the deal’. Lol. I was one confused fellow and thought I knew what I wanted in a girlfriend, but in retrospect, I simply had no clue and what's more interesting, is the fact that I had rather unrealistic expectations. The only constant thing in my non-existent love life then, was my attraction to complicated people, people who have what is popularly referred to as ‘skoin-skoin’. Simply put, if the girl was deemed to be a normal person by me, then I simply wouldn’t be interested. I still can’t figure out why. Was it the thrill of the challenge of deciphering what made her tick and then go cukoo-cukoo? Maybe I'm a little 'skoined' too? *shrug*
The interesting thing is that these skoin-skoin girls always seemed to like me, but whenever it came down to the real deal; it was always one excuse or the other;
‘Let me pray about it’,
‘I don’t know',
'I am not ready yet, but I feel like I will be soon’,
‘I need to consult great grandmother in the village',
Okay, no one said the great grandmother bit but you get what I mean. Boy, it was frustrating! I sure had this unparalleled ability to pick those girls and inflict pain on myself in the process… Wait! Eureka! That’s it! I know why now, I am probably a Masochist! It’s the pain, I loved the pain! What makes it worse was I had quite a number of beautiful, decent NORMAL ‘take-home-to-mama’ girls who were willing to be my Miss, but I was never willing to go down the dating path with them. How dare they think I would? Didn’t they know they were too normal for me? *hiss*
Lessons learnt dating.
I learnt that arrogance and dating don’t mix. I grew up around several "macho" uncles who were world-class players, disrespected their women and were quick to stamp their authority all over situations. Right, so I must have grown up a little chauvinistic, resisting vulnerability and compromise in my relationships. I wasn’t going to be disrespected by any girl, they all had to know who was boss. Anytime a girl I was dating gave me mixed signals, my next reaction was to kiss her goodbye. How could she? No one disrespects the boss! What I didn’t realize was that they were just being ‘women’, sometimes they don’t mean what they say. They want you to fight for them (I still think their wahala is too much sha). It’s really incredible how I thought I knew women and later realized I knew absolutely NOTHING about women.
One thought that constantly comes to mind now is how my uncles probably would have gone back to kneel down and beg (and even cry sef) their girls back in privacy of their rooms, while giving me the impression that they were the greatest macho-men around! I learnt that women are complicated, and to the brothers out there, don’t bother trying to understand them, lest you run mad; but the key is patience.
I also learnt that a woman typically has two different natures; the Angel and the Scary, Scorned, Vengeful Angry Bird. The part you see or experience largely depends on how you treat your woman. Nurture her, treat her well, and you have yourself the angel, always.
This is story #7 of the "Dating Like Crazy" series (read #6, #5, #4, #3, #2 and #1 ). This article was written by an anonymous contributor. Please note that this is a real story, please comment kindly. Thanks.
Ever been attracted to skoin-skoin traits? Makes it interesting doesn't it?
What To Expect in Marriage (Only the Good Stuff)
Bum Slaps Make Good Marriages
Mr and Mrs. A* have been my parents’ friends for as long as I can remember. They always had smiles on their faces, always smelt good, were always happy! Always happy. One day, after yet another cheerful visit to our house, they chose to show themselves out and headed for their car. As they headed out, up our driveway, unaware that I was at the window, watching them go, Mrs. A slapped Mr. A on the bum and then they burst into silent giggles.
Hmmn. I cocked my head to the side.
I mean, this was new and not so new. My parents did stuff like that but just in front of us, not in front of other peoples’ houses. Public, flirtatious bum slaps were not very common in my town. Definitely never saw those in Agbeni or Mokola market. Oh wait… yes, I did but it was gross, it involved a bus conductor and a hawker and has no bearing on this blog post.
Anyway, Mr and Mrs A were old. Like old, old. They had like 4 grown kids, so this wasn’t newlywed stuff. As they stepped out of our gate, they whispered and chuckled and then Mrs. A's hand came to rest lightly on his waist, a very friendly, intimate gesture.
To my 6 year-old self, it was like 'Whao, this thing called a happy, fun marriage isn’t rare at all!' This marriage thing was going to be a breeze and the flirtations would last forever! We’d giggle and smack our bums all day. What could be better than that?
Much later in life, I would come to appreciate mum, dad and their friends so much more because I realized that to have that quality of a relationship, they must have put in a lot of effort. I’m not saying bum-slaps make good marriages, well, I am. Kind of. Lol. The love, regard, honor, flirtations and friendship.
I would also realize that my marriage becomes whatever I imagine it to be and that being around good couples that provide the right picture of what a marriage should be is important!
I'm very much aware that not everyone has/had good models for this but if you look well enough, you have models in your life right now. God always tucks templates in your life; templates worth emulating!
Alright, alright Ike, we’ve heard. What should I expect in marriage?
First, we can only expect these things if we are willing to put in the work and prayers! Deal? This is where you say, "Deal."
1. Bum Smacks (you guessed it!)
Marriage is serious but it isn't uptight. You should expect a free, fun, warm atmosphere which involves a lot of laughter and contentment!
Marriage is fun! It's the exclusive selection and preference of one individual above all others, based on a mutual understanding and appreciation of the other person's abilities and characteristics, both good and bad. It's all fun and games most of the time. The bible says, the sounds of rejoicing is always heard in the tent of the righteous (married or not, for our purposes let's use 'married'). I just imagined living in a tent with Ed. Post idea!
2. Hello, Eden!
In marriage, all is laid bare. Like naked-bare. Literally.
So yeah, you guys are naked a lot, hopefully. You also begin to reveal your true, true nature.
I won't lie to you, stuff gets real in marriage. Suddenly you wake up and realize that the gap teeth which you fell in love with, turned out to be actually customized dentures. You realize oops, that was a wig, her lashes aren't that long and she has a beard. You realize he snores like a 1978 model tractor and apparently wears a tummy clincher (for men), it turns out they have those too. Copy-cats!
Still, you realize it's beautiful and worth it.
3. Serial Finish lines
Marriage is a huge marathon with other little marathons in it. People change. I wish that wasn't true but it is. People change and every time they do, you begin to run a mini race, where you both are tied at your ankles, like a three-legged-race type thing. You have to keep going, evolving on each other, loving each other and winning all the races as a couple and tapping bums! This would be a good time to slap your significant other's bum, just because. Make this post worth it.
4. A Slay Mate
I have tried praying by myself about particular issues and the results were staggering but when two people are united and pray- uhwee! Things get a little violent, results come, progression comes. Pray together. I don’t mean doze-pray. Lol. I mean conscious, heart felt, heaven-jerking prayers!
5. A Better You
I learnt this in my first year of marriage! Marriage makes us better versions of ourselves. How? Disagreements shave off pride. Every time you choose to take the high road, some pride gets mowed off! In no time, you will become a better person. Choosing to end quarrels quickly and well, discussing the issues and ways to be better makes this thing a breeze.
6. Learning Everyday and Talking About Farts
We learn everyday in marriage, it’s always a different day, a different lesson. First to say again: marriage is not really about you, it’s always about the other person. In learning to love and serve your spouse, you become the best version of yourself!
We also talk about our failures and farts, stuff that embarrass us and the fears that imprison us and we work together to get rid of those.
7. A Sudden Realization That Your Marriage is Unique and a Little too Hot to Handle
Ok, I’m probably not the first to say this one: there is NO ONE like you and absolutely no one like your sig. other! Therefore, you can’t ever have a marriage like anyone else’s. We have to remember to never superimpose other people's marriages on ours. Your marriage is precious, unique and exciting, with a message to share with the world! There is a place for mentoring and emulation of positive habits but there’s no space for destructive comparison or things will definitely implode and then there will be absolutely no bum slaps- and we can’t have that!
Hey, what are your thoughts? What were/are your expectations about marriage? Any fun marriage mentors in your life?
Real Stories #6: What I Saw When I Opened Her Bedroom Door
They always say be 'Friends First', apparently the best relationships are with those people you first build friendships with. I don’t know why, but it is what they say, so don’t argue, just Find a Friend and date the hell out of them.
I did.
I was in the University and I was friends with this super-cool girl. From the first conversation, we had so much common ground; same taste in music, movies, same goals, same quirky humour, and the same type of crazy. She was "my guy"! It was so intense, the friendship, we were always up to something and it was funky all the time. Dating her never crossed my mind though, until one evening when I narrowly escaped falling into a ditch and instead fell on her lips.
Maybe it was love all the while, and so the amazing friendship birthed a beautiful relationship. She was even better in relationship-mode. She could cook a storm and a chilled day. She made sure I went to church and read my bible, solid woman! I was happy and content, so I gained weight.
We had dated for a year and then one evening, I walked in on her having sex with this man. I opened the door and there my girlfriend was, on top of him, cowgirl style. I remember the sweat on her face, the crease of her brows, the shock on her face. The man was visibly startled, there was a brief commotion on the bed, but in all of this, she didn’t stop riding him, they just kept on, apparently too shocked to stop or whatever. I froze there and watched for about 10 seconds, I died 7 times.
I rushed out of the room and then I started to run, I’m talking real actual sprinting. I don’t know why I was running, but it was in the direction of my car. There was water coming out of my eyes, plenty of water, but I wasn’t crying, I can’t explain the biology. This was by far the most pain I had ever felt, it was traumatic, and my chest hurt, like it physically hurt. The haunting picture of her on top of him that I still can’t "un-see".
How can somebody just blind-side you with some real shit like that? This solid woman. This fight-with-me-if-I-didn’t-go-to-church woman. Where did my girlfriend find Aristo? So I am just ordinary school boyfriend? So many questions.
Maybe being cheated on isn’t fun. Maybe fall into a ditch instead. Maybe always knock and don’t badge into your girlfriend’s room. Maybe dust yourself up and move on. Maybe it’s no big deal and shit happens. Maybe don’t trust people anymore. Maybe stay hopeful. Maybe the best relationships are with those people you first build friendships with.
She said she was sorry.
This is story #6 of the "Dating Like Crazy" series (read #5, #4, #3, #2 and #1 ). This article was written by an anonymous contributor. Please note that this is a real story, please comment kindly. Thanks.
Amusing Conversation With My Nephew (Wait for it!)
My nephew, Dabi (who is 7 years-old today), is on holiday, and is staying with Ed and I for about 2 weeks. This was a conversation that transpired yesterday, after I served him his hot bowl of Basmati rice, plantain, tomato stew and chicken strips. He was waiting for it to cool down.
Dabi: If Ruel* and I are here together, where will he sleep?
Me: If Ruel was here, I'd pack my bags and go to Bahamas because you guys won't let me rest and you'll be running around and stomping on the floor even if I tell you not to
Dabi: Haha! Who will cook for us?
Me: I don't know. I'll be in Bahamas
Dabi: We will cook by ourselves
Me: That's probably illegal
Dabi: What's illegal?
Me: Cooking by yourselves is probably a crime. The police will get you!
Dabi: *Gasps* We will hide!
Me: The K9 will find you
Dabi: What's a K9?
Me: A police dog
Dabi: Doggie! It will sniff me out!
Me: Yes, indeed and I'll be on the beach in Bahamas!
Dabi: I will run away and run to the airport, get on a plane and give the attendant my ticket
Me: Well, the K9 will give the flight attendant his ticket too and follow you on the plane. He'll seat next to you and read a newspaper. Then mid-flight he will look at you suddenly! And keep looking at you till you land!
Dabi: (squeal-laughs) No!!! I will use my parachute and land in Bahamas
Me: No way! I'll move to Grenada!
Dabi: I'll swim after you!
Me: Wait, so you won't take Ruel along?
Dabi: Oh yes, I'll use Ruel as a raft and paddle to meet you
Me: *must have fallen over my seat laughing* That's just mean
Dabi: Ruel will have his turn too.
Me: Alright! Fair enough
Happy birthday, Dabi!
*Ruel is my other nephew and is Dabi's cousin and best friend.
Do you know any children? Don't they say the most ridiculous things? Lol!
Real Stories #5: This Modern Princess and her Frog
I think the best part about dating is the chase! Who's with me on that? That period when he promises you everything, anything, his heart, his life, his grandma's ring and his grandma too. I love the butterflies I get in my tummy and the way my heart slams in my chest. It's amusing how much effort guys put into it. It does a lot for a girl's self-esteem and honestly I wish I could have had more "chases".
If I could send a text to my teenage self, I'd say, "Date A lot, you sexy thing! xxx". I've dated 3 guys in my life and I wish I had put myself out there a bit more, to improve my romantic repertoire! Lol! I am not saying one should date 10 guys or something, but put yourself out there, nonetheless!
Let's rephrase, put yourself out there, but don't kiss too many frogs either! My first frog was at 17. First and worst kissing experience ever. Ever. Ever. I know, 17 years-old is like grandma-old in make-out world.
Anyway, back to the first frog kiss. I was standing there, kissing this guy, whom I had no feelings for, with his tongue down my throat, literally! I almost gagged but I politely held on for about 10 minutes. Then the boob-squeezing began and he also started to breathe heavily for some reason. I decided at that point that it was enough and pushed him off. When I was finally alone, I remember taking off my clothes and taking a long bath. I wouldn't stop crying. Of course, I also brushed my teeth.
After that, I was done with everything; guys, kissing, frogs and boobs. Little did I know, that I would be madly in love with someone a while later. When we kissed, it felt like I was on bubbles. It was perfect. It was Heaven. Perfect heavenly bubbles. Then at some point, it all went south because we realized we wanted different things. He was very intensely "testing the waters" and thought I'd be fine with it.
Dating has taught me a few things, (1) don't settle; (2) don't be fine with a guy who "tests waters" when you are in his life, (3) don't dabble into things that have no future and of course, (4) kiss only the frogs who you have feelings for, otherwise, you'd just be kissing a random frog and we all know that's yucky.
This is story #5 of the "Dating Like Crazy" series (read #4, #3, #2 and #1 ). This article was written by an anonymous contributor. Her views and opinions are entirely hers and do not necessarily reflect the views of PGI on this topic.Please note that this is a real story, please comment kindly. Thanks.
My 7-year old nephew is visiting and he has been loitering around me because he saw the title! Lol! This is not the fairytale you think it is, I've told him but he doesn't believe. He reads quite impressively too.
Foregone
Fiction
It is abominable, that which I do.
But I hurry to it anyway.
I follow the stream by the white light of the moon, stilling myself at every sound of crunching leaves or rustling bushes. I have wrapped myself in the darkest Ankara, on top of it, is my father’s hunting tunic, darker than night. I have smeared his tobacco and spice behind my ears to ward off any strangers or their dogs.
A traveling stranger is less interesting if she smells of tobacco and roots, than of hibiscus and lemons.
In my hand, is my shepherd’s crook. It whacks and chokes, whether it be sheep or person.
This is no man's land, distant from mother's watchful eye. Any assailant would be out of range of father’s arrow.
Now well into the forest, I hear the faint roar of the waters and my heart races. Quickly, I begin to climb the hill.
It is dark but I know where to place my feet, where to grip and brace, where to heave and lift. The darkness amplifies the thunder of the rushing waterfall of Arè. It surrounds, it terrifies. It is enough to fail a heart.
I remove my sandals and wade into the river, she welcomes me and draws me in along the current. I hold unto familiar stones, slippery and some tufty with growth, my feet find ground on the sandy bed. I feel for the rocks and climb out into a cave.
At last.
He is there waiting.
He rises to his feet. My heart thumps, my belly flutters.
Tórę..