Real Stories #8: Notes To Read On The Dating Roller Coaster!
Hi, people! My name is .... o wait, I am supposed to be anonymous. Ike asked me to write a few things that I have learnt on my dating journey. I have written them in notes-to-self style. I hope my notes help someone else out there! Whenever you get question mark symbols floating above your head and heart about certain issues, flip back to this post, it just might help! Best wishes on that wild, dating roller coaster and holla if you see me. O wait...I'm anonymous. This anonymous thing is tricky. Hmmn.
Let's jump right in:
- If the kissing is poor, making out will be nothing more than poor *cringe*
- Not every relationship will end in marriage
- Don't superimpose another relationship on yours. No two relationships are the same
- Don’t date out of pity. You will be wasting everyone's time
- Don’t do trial-dating either (it’s a trial because one party isn't interested)
- Communicate. Engage. Understand.
- Be empathetic, try to see from the other person's point of view...
- ...but don’t drop your standards because you are trying to be empathetic.
- Find the 'mumu*' button and use it well *grins*
- Let your 'No' be 'No', have some self-respect and you'll avoid being taken for granted.
- Be friends, play games, challenge each other, laugh together, be rivals, pray together.
- Always, always express how you feel, be vulnerable, be happy, be yourself, be angry, be emotional, be irritable, be cranky, be hungry, be everything that makes you you. The sooner he knows everything about you, the better.
- Maintain eye contact (it spells intimacy).
- Don’t lie; some lies don’t follow you to the grave. And if you guys end up together, you might confess mistakenly.
- If there’s anything that bothers him that you do, consider compromise, if its doable.
- ..but don’t compromise your happiness for someone else’s. Be happy, be selfish! Muhaha. Ok, don't be selfish but understand the concept of compromise and apply it wisely.
- If you can't imagine spending the rest of your life with him, don’t make out and definitely don’t have sex with him.
*mumu: in this context mumu means lovingly taking advantage of your S.O's affections for you. It's not as twisted as it sounds. Let's rephrase, lovingly and effectively channeling your S.O's affections for you to the things you care about so that he spends his romantic energy wisely. Take that Merriam Webster!
This is story #8 of the "Dating Like Crazy" series (read #7, #6, #5, #4, #3, #2 and #1 ). This article was written by an anonymous contributor. Please note that this is a real story, please comment kindly. Thanks.
Real Stories #7: Retired Chauvinists, Love and Skoin-Skoin
I've always been mysterious. I was one of those guys who had everyone guessing who his girlfriend was. It was customary for me to be seen with a lot of 'remarkably pretty girls' without actually being with anyone of them. I wouldn’t say I was a player or a demon, though people might have lazily classified me as such.
Contrary to what outsiders thought, I was actually struggling to ‘seal the deal’. Lol. I was one confused fellow and thought I knew what I wanted in a girlfriend, but in retrospect, I simply had no clue and what's more interesting, is the fact that I had rather unrealistic expectations. The only constant thing in my non-existent love life then, was my attraction to complicated people, people who have what is popularly referred to as ‘skoin-skoin’. Simply put, if the girl was deemed to be a normal person by me, then I simply wouldn’t be interested. I still can’t figure out why. Was it the thrill of the challenge of deciphering what made her tick and then go cukoo-cukoo? Maybe I'm a little 'skoined' too? *shrug*
The interesting thing is that these skoin-skoin girls always seemed to like me, but whenever it came down to the real deal; it was always one excuse or the other;
‘Let me pray about it’,
‘I don’t know',
'I am not ready yet, but I feel like I will be soon’,
‘I need to consult great grandmother in the village',
Okay, no one said the great grandmother bit but you get what I mean. Boy, it was frustrating! I sure had this unparalleled ability to pick those girls and inflict pain on myself in the process… Wait! Eureka! That’s it! I know why now, I am probably a Masochist! It’s the pain, I loved the pain! What makes it worse was I had quite a number of beautiful, decent NORMAL ‘take-home-to-mama’ girls who were willing to be my Miss, but I was never willing to go down the dating path with them. How dare they think I would? Didn’t they know they were too normal for me? *hiss*
Lessons learnt dating.
I learnt that arrogance and dating don’t mix. I grew up around several "macho" uncles who were world-class players, disrespected their women and were quick to stamp their authority all over situations. Right, so I must have grown up a little chauvinistic, resisting vulnerability and compromise in my relationships. I wasn’t going to be disrespected by any girl, they all had to know who was boss. Anytime a girl I was dating gave me mixed signals, my next reaction was to kiss her goodbye. How could she? No one disrespects the boss! What I didn’t realize was that they were just being ‘women’, sometimes they don’t mean what they say. They want you to fight for them (I still think their wahala is too much sha). It’s really incredible how I thought I knew women and later realized I knew absolutely NOTHING about women.
One thought that constantly comes to mind now is how my uncles probably would have gone back to kneel down and beg (and even cry sef) their girls back in privacy of their rooms, while giving me the impression that they were the greatest macho-men around! I learnt that women are complicated, and to the brothers out there, don’t bother trying to understand them, lest you run mad; but the key is patience.
I also learnt that a woman typically has two different natures; the Angel and the Scary, Scorned, Vengeful Angry Bird. The part you see or experience largely depends on how you treat your woman. Nurture her, treat her well, and you have yourself the angel, always.
This is story #7 of the "Dating Like Crazy" series (read #6, #5, #4, #3, #2 and #1 ). This article was written by an anonymous contributor. Please note that this is a real story, please comment kindly. Thanks.
Ever been attracted to skoin-skoin traits? Makes it interesting doesn't it?
Relationship Canapé 002
#2 Celebrate each other's successes and triumphs, whether big, small or teeny!
This study shows that responding to your significant other's (S.O) good news, such as an achievement or a promotion, with positivity and genuine enthusiasm, is a great ingredient for a successful relationship. True, your ideas of things worth celebrating may differ, however, if it matters to S.O or puts a smile on his or her face, guess whose face should actually reflect that smile?! Yup, even if you aren't having such a good day yourself!
Learning to be a better S.O every day!
Psst! When last did you celebrate something together? Do you do this already? Tell us! Tell us!
Real Stories #4: Whao, Karma!
Girl: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: You just deserve better than what I have to offer.
GIrl*colour gone from her face*
Me: You are too good for me. I don’t think I could bear to hurt you.
Me *insert sad face*
In reality, what I was trying to say to this girl was “Move... Get out the way, get out the way! I just found someone else and she’s unbelievably, nerve-wreckingly hot! So I guess it's over!” Before you classify me as a jerk (which you have already), let me pacify you with the news that it came back around eventually.
But first about me, I’m your typical everyday guy, I love football, love to hang out, a pretty good swimmer and a seasoned dater. Dating has been quite the journey, a bit of a roller coaster with some smooth-sailing and some intermittent, crazy nose-dives.
I’ve dated every type of girl- the sweet, the crazy, the beautiful, the moody, the drop-dead gorgeous, the older woman, the under-cover pretender (long story). I have nicked, swiped, shoplifted a few girlfriends from their boyfriends. I’ve never been a side-dude.
Well, dating has been quite the experience. I’ve noticed that whenever I do get serious and I try to give my all to a relationship, and not be the guy in the dialogue above, something usually goes colossally wrong! Hmmn. I wonder why?
I had been with a girl who I was really serious about for about 3 years and this was most probably going to be 'it' for me. One bright morning, she arrives at my place of employment, before I get in, waits around the premises until I arrive and tells me that it is over— after 3 years of being together. Just like that! She actually took a bus and a keke-marwa to my office and probably got there about 7am for the announcement. Such drive! The break-up speech took place inside my car and my colleagues kept waving at us and knocking on the passenger’s window to say hi to her.
“How cute!”, They must have thought, “Lovebirds cooing in the morning.” The hopeless romantics must have wished for a love so deep.
In reality, my behind was getting very dumped. So yeah, it came back around.
I’ve learnt a lot from my experiences; with the older woman, I learnt that women are timeless and eternally beautiful, with the same insecurities, hidden passions, secrets and knowing smiles. Yup, secrets. She also forgot to tell me she was getting married and refused to pick my calls after.
I’m much older now and my most important lesson learnt is that you must always involve God in your decisions and dealings. Now, I pray more for my spouse-to-be, than myself, even though I’m not married yet. I’ve learnt to accommodate women and their excesses and I have come to understand that phrase, ‘some things are better left unsaid’ alot better.
These days I’m out there, looking for a ring and figuring out the best way to propose to the best thing that ever happened to me!
This is story #4 of the "Dating Like Crazy" series (read #3, #2 and #1 ). This article was written by an anonymous contributor. His views and opinions are entirely his and do not necessarily reflect the views of PGI on this topic. Please note that this is a real story, please comment kindly. Thanks.
3 and a Half Ways to End a Relationship- by Skip
If you read PGI often, you might know Skip, our anonymous reader who sends me letters and calls me "Lix". Whether he's talking about his kissing conundrum or about finding the one, he never fails to crack us up. Here's his latest letter where he talks about ending a relationship without looking like a jerk. Enjoy!
Dear Lix,
It’s been a while and I miss you too.
Nothing much has been happening, except that I’ve really been trying to figure out exactly who I am and what I’m here for; so I’ve stopped eating healthy, I don't think I’m supposed to be about that balanced-diet-fit-fam life, although I recently started fixing the sheets once I finally wake up in the morning; it’s crazy, I’m like a machine, I’m up, wham bam, bed fixed! I consider this cool and very adult. Also, no more pre-marital sexing on that bed. Not anymore. I have moved all that business to the guest room; I’m like a machine.
So this morning, I realized she was gone and it really hurt me. No heads-up, no conversation, nothing! She left with all her sweetness and hotness, even groundnut too. My boli woman was always there for me, always always, and I’m all for road reconstruction and better infrastructure, but when the government decides to interfere with my relationship and move her away, that’s where I draw the line. I strongly feel these past months together can’t have been for nothing, I bet she knew weeks ago that she would have to leave and she didn’t say anything; she was today’s plan for lunch.
Maybe she couldn’t bear to see my disappointed face. Maybe she didn’t care. Maybe she did. Maybe she left a note. Maybe last night’s rain washed away her note; although a note is hardly the fitting way to end what we had. I even told her at times when I had to travel. Lix, do you remember that ex that thought I would be interested in making the 6-hour journey to attend her wedding? She also thought it was appropriate to end our 4-year relationship with a text message. It’s like nobody knows how to breakup properly, because that’s what happened to me this morning, it was a breakup, and I’m not going to put this one on the government.
Meanwhile, let me share the 3 most appropriate ways to breakup since this has suddenly become about that:
1. Speak your truth.
Speak your truth and end with ‘…so I think we should end this’. By truth, I mean the honest reasons everybody thinks they want to hear, that they deserve to hear, until they hear and then they wish that they didn’t, like ‘Agnes, I really don’t like you anymore, so I think we should end this’, ‘Agnes, I’ve met someone better for me so….’, ‘Agnes, although it was my idea, I can’t handle the distance so…’, ‘Agnes, I just had the best sex with someone else....in the guest room, so…’, ‘Agnes, your house is in Festac so…’. Whatever you do, don’t chicken out with Agnes, it’s not you, it’s me. You may text, BBM or WhatsApp your truth. You can also put it in a note but make sure to write legibly and throw in a few xoxo’s at the end; I give you extra points if you tweet your truth @Agnes.
2. Restore to Factory Settings
This is way easier but takes a longer time than speaking your truth. Basically, what you to do is nothing! Act like there was never a relationship. Stop visiting or hanging out, stop those long phone conversations, and maybe don’t even pick up calls. Remember you’re a busy person, so make sure to reschedule every time he/she tries to meet up. Make sure to be as cordial as possible though, nobody is fighting with anybody! If he/she tries to start fight, don’t do it, apologize and promise to be better but don’t be better. In two months or less, you’ll be single and if you play this just right, he/she will break up with you and then you get extra points.
This requires you to be an Asshole and I know this comes more naturally to some folks while others may have to dig deeper to find their inner asshole, but it gets the job done; especially if you’re in the business of hurting people: and breaking up is all about hurting people, whether or not you mean to, so you might as well be the best asshole you can be.
You know that boyfriend who went funny and you don’t know what happened because he was so very cool and you loved him really hard? Now you know he couldn’t speak his truth so he restored to factory settings!
3. Fake your death.
Fake your death. The key here is to "Fake it". If at any point you realize you’ve died for real, then you haven’t done this right; so you died and made wrong life choices, I hope you now realise it wasn’t even that deep.
There may be a 4th appropriate way called “The Idealist-ist”, this is where you bla bla bla bla I’m tired of making stuff up! See Lix, I don’t think breakups are meant to be “appropriate”. Boli women leave and hurt you, you find better Boli so you start buying from someone else, you decide to balance-diet-fit-fam because, summer body, so you stop eating Boli.
Breakups are by their nature very horrible, at least for one person. “We had such a magical evening, and the breakup made it even more special”, said no one. I’m certain if someone decides to stop being with you, there’s not much you can do; and maybe it honestly isn’t you, and it’s them, I don’t know.
I guess if you have to, just do it!
Abi?
On your sofa,
Skip.
Disclaimer: PGI does not endorse the happenings of Skip's guestroom.
Related posts: 8 reasons you might be stuck in a bad relationship; The sunny side of your breakup; What to expect when you call up an ex!
18 Questions and Weekend Chill with Skip!
We all know Skip, right? Our reader, who i suspect might be a secret writer in his spare time, who sends me letters at will and on the most interesting topics. When i read his first letter, i must have spent about 2 weeks, trying to figure out a reply. He sent me this recently; this fun, easy read with more rhetorical questions than a grumpy grandpa could have! I don't suppose i'll reply and attempt to turn this into a battle of wits. I loved it and wouldn't stop laughing! To the Yes/No questions, i think my answer was 'Yes, probably!' to all. Lol. Which is your favorite question? Thanks, Skip! Enjoy your weekend, Everybody!
Dear Lix,
What do you do when somebody wants to kiss you but you don’t want to kiss them back?
Have you wanted to kiss someone so bad but they didn’t want to kiss you at all?
Were you ever busy kissing someone and they wanted you to stop because all of a sudden they don’t want to kiss you anymore because now they want to kiss someone else?
Did you ever get tired and didn’t want to kiss anymore, but the person you’re kissing is still keen on kissing but you want to kiss someone else?
Have you ever been in the process of kissing someone in what you thought was an extremely passionate moment, and you kind of slightly open your eyes and they are wide-eyed staring at you like ‘waris dis one doing?'
Why did you kind of slightly open your eyes?
How do you handle being left high and dry mid-kiss?
What if you were kissing someone and you like it, so you promise to keep on kissing, just them forever and ever, but you’re a promise and fail and you change your mind, not necessarily because you found someone else to kiss, but you just don’t want to kiss them anymore, is that wrong?
Sometimes after they promise forever and ever, they just stop kissing you without any explanation, now you don’t know what to do with all this shimmer on your lips, how do you deal?
Have you ever found yourself wanting to kiss this certain person, but not anymore, but sometimes and at other times, but not all the time, and then you want to, but then you don’t want to, so you stop, and you start, and they don’t do it right but you like their face?
How do you tell someone you’re currently kissing that you’ve found someone else you like kissing better, so you’d like permission to start kissing that someone else full time?
Is it really important to ask someone if you can kiss them before you start kissing them?
If you kiss them without asking, and they don’t push you, but then they’re not actively, really kissing you back, but you’re fine with it because you’re kissing them anyway, is that ok?
What if you didn’t ask if you could kiss them, and when you start to kiss them, they start to scream at you and push you and try really hard to get your mouth off their face, what does this really mean?
Why do some people want to be kissing more than one person at the same time?
Why is it that some people are never satisfied even when they say they are? You kiss them all they want and "every-how" but they still want to kiss someone else?
.....So this person starts to kiss you and it’s oh soooo good, then you see pre-wedding pictures, and they’re getting married next month, what the hell?
On your sofa.
Skip
Side-chic Rehab: How to Slay that Heartbreak
This one is for the side-chics.
The ones who took the brave leap of partition and said 'I'm done with this ish', and bravely broke up with that predatory man who constantly chose someone else over them.
Congratulations!!! No one has probably told you and you may not feel it just yet, but you did the right thing by breaking up with him! You saved everyone a lot of misfortune including yourself, you do not want to be on a scorned wife's to-do list, trust me. It only ever results in undignified cat fights or sometimes, more hazardous encounters. Here are some tips to help through your transition. I hope it helps:
Heal
It probably hurts as much as any breakup, so it's great to cry. Cry all month or year, if you want. I hope you have a friend who knows the whole story and is willing to be there for you, without rolling her eyes as she hands you the tissues. However, keep in mind that side-chics receive little or no sympathy from people, so don't expect any.
Forgive yourself
You have come to the decision either by your own volition or by coercion, understanding that living without him is ideal, that shows a lot of courage. If for a long time, you have hated yourself for it, it's time to forgive yourself and let it go. Lesson learnt moving on.
Forget closure
Closure is over-rated, don't bother trying to find out why he did it or why he wouldn't leave his wife for you. Don't try to reach out to his wife either. No, sending her an apology is not a good idea. It was never between you and her. They are a unit, regardless of what he said about her. She doesn't need closure from you. If she needs closure, she will get it from his apology or whatever way they sort their issues out.
Just retreat and lick your wounds (for all eternity, that expression would always sound gross). The great thing about life is that licking your wounds is not as gloomy as it sounds. You could amuse yourself with a purchase or travel somewhere by yourself, eat some exotic street food on the upbeat streets of Marrakech or some fine dining at L'Ambroisie, umm or at home on a paper plate.
If you are on a budget, you are in luck! Read here for budget/heart break tips.
Now to the fun part!!!!! His gifts. What to do?
So now that you are out of the relationship, it's time to give out that Cartier watch and the Marco Bicego necklace. I know we all want to keep the stuff, right, but items have a way of reminding us of every moment and shared breath. You really want to give them out. If you are considering burning them, especially the car, consider other options (no point being dramatic and ruining the ozone). Find someone who is sorely in need. Hopefully someone you don't see too often and just hand them over.
No one ever takes this advice lol so it's ok if you just hid your Ferragamo purse in the back of your drawer when you read this tip.
Time to rebuild those bridges
It's time to get in touch with all the people you broke ties with because they wouldn't support your side-chic status; mum, siblings, friends etc. Try spending time around friends and also people who are in need or hurting and find ways to bring them joy.
Come to mama, fishes in the sea
Get out there! The good news is there are oodles of men on the planet. The better news is there a specific guy for you out there who is currently unattached! The bad news is he might be buried in a haystack. Here's a post that could help with finding him!
Acquire some good judgement
Good judgement and prudence will do you a world of good. It definitely will prevent you from making the same mistake twice! How do you acquire good judgement? The best sources are self-improvement books. Just google "Books on good judgement" or just download a bible! That works. Note that it's a continuous process and requires practice.
Remember to do something meaningful for people around you. Being more sensitive to the needs of others is the best way to deal with pain within.
What to do with your libido?
I wish I knew. If you weren't having sex with him, well, great, it usually takes a lesser time to get over a man you weren't sleeping with. If you were, it might be time to find three hobbies. Why three? Well, one active, one semi-docile like painting or beading or sewing and one in your community which involves helping people. You might also want to avoid risqué material. Just saying.
Side chicks are forever despised by society and the recovering ones need a place to go. Pagesbyike is your go-to! We take everyone contrite❤️ .
Any advice for retired side-chics? If this helped you, please comment below. You can be anonymous if you want. Just sign in and fill in 'Anonymous' as your name! Are you considering dumping a guy who has you on the side, we can help!
How to Give Advice
#1 Don't
*Supposed End of post*
What do you think though? Do you give advice often? How does it play out? How often is your 2 cents really appreciated, especially in complicated situations; take advising a mistress or side-chic as an example. If you know any, do you honestly think she'd take your advice?
Side-chics get advised more often than a juvenile delinquent. Everyone wants to chip in and tell Stella that dating the married guy is suicide....and in some cases, Stella, it is. It really is. Don't say we didn't tell you.
The best thing to do in my opinion is not to advice or at least learn to advice properly; whether financial, career, marital, weight management, parenting advice. It has to be done right. It takes a lot of maturity and self-control to effectively advice a person and have the person really listen and see your point. Seeing someone doing something wrong and taking the time to provide reasonable, loving advice takes ALOT. If you insist that #1 is not an option and this person is really important to you, ensure its done right and read on!
#2 Have the right motive: Your motive should be to encourage, to lift, not to tear down. Your advice should be communicated in love and with the utmost respect, not with malice or in derision. If your motive is to show that you are superior, or to scorn or to gloat refer to #1
#3 Don't speak without planning out your thoughts. The great thing about thoughts is that they reflect themselves in your speech. If you aren't coming from a good place, it definitely will be obvious in your choice of words. Sort your mind out first before talking to someone else about their issues.
#4 Never ever start off with "I told you so" or "You should know better" or "A word of advice". Those conversation-starters are dynamite! They get a person defensive and slight impenetrable to your well-wishing words.
#5 Be patient. People don't naturally like advice, so take it slowly, very slowly and speak plainly. If you aren't a patient person, don't bother; refer to #1
#6 If you really must advice, make sure it's not condescending
We aren't any better than anyone else. We are just privy to some information which we are fortunate to be able to share. If "Condescending" is your middle name, refer to #1
Did I miss anything? Share below!
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