What To Expect in Marriage (Only the Good Stuff)
Bum Slaps Make Good Marriages
Mr and Mrs. A* have been my parents’ friends for as long as I can remember. They always had smiles on their faces, always smelt good, were always happy! Always happy. One day, after yet another cheerful visit to our house, they chose to show themselves out and headed for their car. As they headed out, up our driveway, unaware that I was at the window, watching them go, Mrs. A slapped Mr. A on the bum and then they burst into silent giggles.
Hmmn. I cocked my head to the side.
I mean, this was new and not so new. My parents did stuff like that but just in front of us, not in front of other peoples’ houses. Public, flirtatious bum slaps were not very common in my town. Definitely never saw those in Agbeni or Mokola market. Oh wait… yes, I did but it was gross, it involved a bus conductor and a hawker and has no bearing on this blog post.
Anyway, Mr and Mrs A were old. Like old, old. They had like 4 grown kids, so this wasn’t newlywed stuff. As they stepped out of our gate, they whispered and chuckled and then Mrs. A's hand came to rest lightly on his waist, a very friendly, intimate gesture.
To my 6 year-old self, it was like 'Whao, this thing called a happy, fun marriage isn’t rare at all!' This marriage thing was going to be a breeze and the flirtations would last forever! We’d giggle and smack our bums all day. What could be better than that?
Much later in life, I would come to appreciate mum, dad and their friends so much more because I realized that to have that quality of a relationship, they must have put in a lot of effort. I’m not saying bum-slaps make good marriages, well, I am. Kind of. Lol. The love, regard, honor, flirtations and friendship.
I would also realize that my marriage becomes whatever I imagine it to be and that being around good couples that provide the right picture of what a marriage should be is important!
I'm very much aware that not everyone has/had good models for this but if you look well enough, you have models in your life right now. God always tucks templates in your life; templates worth emulating!
Alright, alright Ike, we’ve heard. What should I expect in marriage?
First, we can only expect these things if we are willing to put in the work and prayers! Deal? This is where you say, "Deal."
1. Bum Smacks (you guessed it!)
Marriage is serious but it isn't uptight. You should expect a free, fun, warm atmosphere which involves a lot of laughter and contentment!
Marriage is fun! It's the exclusive selection and preference of one individual above all others, based on a mutual understanding and appreciation of the other person's abilities and characteristics, both good and bad. It's all fun and games most of the time. The bible says, the sounds of rejoicing is always heard in the tent of the righteous (married or not, for our purposes let's use 'married'). I just imagined living in a tent with Ed. Post idea!
2. Hello, Eden!
In marriage, all is laid bare. Like naked-bare. Literally.
So yeah, you guys are naked a lot, hopefully. You also begin to reveal your true, true nature.
I won't lie to you, stuff gets real in marriage. Suddenly you wake up and realize that the gap teeth which you fell in love with, turned out to be actually customized dentures. You realize oops, that was a wig, her lashes aren't that long and she has a beard. You realize he snores like a 1978 model tractor and apparently wears a tummy clincher (for men), it turns out they have those too. Copy-cats!
Still, you realize it's beautiful and worth it.
3. Serial Finish lines
Marriage is a huge marathon with other little marathons in it. People change. I wish that wasn't true but it is. People change and every time they do, you begin to run a mini race, where you both are tied at your ankles, like a three-legged-race type thing. You have to keep going, evolving on each other, loving each other and winning all the races as a couple and tapping bums! This would be a good time to slap your significant other's bum, just because. Make this post worth it.
4. A Slay Mate
I have tried praying by myself about particular issues and the results were staggering but when two people are united and pray- uhwee! Things get a little violent, results come, progression comes. Pray together. I don’t mean doze-pray. Lol. I mean conscious, heart felt, heaven-jerking prayers!
5. A Better You
I learnt this in my first year of marriage! Marriage makes us better versions of ourselves. How? Disagreements shave off pride. Every time you choose to take the high road, some pride gets mowed off! In no time, you will become a better person. Choosing to end quarrels quickly and well, discussing the issues and ways to be better makes this thing a breeze.
6. Learning Everyday and Talking About Farts
We learn everyday in marriage, it’s always a different day, a different lesson. First to say again: marriage is not really about you, it’s always about the other person. In learning to love and serve your spouse, you become the best version of yourself!
We also talk about our failures and farts, stuff that embarrass us and the fears that imprison us and we work together to get rid of those.
7. A Sudden Realization That Your Marriage is Unique and a Little too Hot to Handle
Ok, I’m probably not the first to say this one: there is NO ONE like you and absolutely no one like your sig. other! Therefore, you can’t ever have a marriage like anyone else’s. We have to remember to never superimpose other people's marriages on ours. Your marriage is precious, unique and exciting, with a message to share with the world! There is a place for mentoring and emulation of positive habits but there’s no space for destructive comparison or things will definitely implode and then there will be absolutely no bum slaps- and we can’t have that!
Hey, what are your thoughts? What were/are your expectations about marriage? Any fun marriage mentors in your life?
Your Wedding day is not the Happiest Day of your Life
You know how people say, "Your wedding day is the happiest day of your life"? They are wrong. They are also wrong about it being the most important day of your life, but that's another post.
Your wedding day is not the happiest day of your life! My mum told me this, in not so many words- in 22 words actually.
She said,"Focus more on your marriage than the wedding, which is just one day. Your marriage, on the other hand, is for years."
When she said that, I thought, "Well, mum, OK... I will do everything you have just said...right after I get my bouquet of perfectly formed blush-pink peonies, my get-Cinderella-green-with-envy shoes, the cake of my dreams and my two veils!" (I know, who gets two veils!)
Every time I got seemingly carried away and distressed by my wedding planning, she would repeat herself, using some variation of the statement.
Then things started to go awry.
I never got those peonies and that got me very upset, also one of my veils never got delivered! The delivery company claimed that it was actually delivered and someone accepted it and signed for it. Clearly, it was delivered to the wrong address. It's beyond me why anyone would want to willingly accept a wedding veil and not return it, when they discovered it was a mistake!
Why was this happening to me?! *insert bride-static melodrama* I was paying a lot of attention to this wedding plans but it was still going wrong. What then would happen to my marriage plans, which I was paying like 21% of my attention to?!
I soon realized a wedding is really 1 day in over 30,000 days to be spent with this same, sexy person.
That's what mum was trying to say, in other words.
In other, other words, what she was trying to say was, prepare yourself for marriage, build your spirituality, improve your temperament, practice forgiveness, develop the habit of flushing away grudges, guard your lips and pray for your home, even before you walk down the aisle. In essence, pave the path for increasing happiness in your marriage.
Your wedding day is not the happiest day of your life, every other day is and it gets happier with each sunrise! Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Also don't let them tell you that you should enjoy your wedding day because it only goes south from there. Arch your brow (and your back and any other thing that can be arched) and ask them,"What do you know?"
Do you know anyone going crazy with her wedding plans? Please share with her (or him...yes, indeed, groomzillas exist).
What are your thoughts? Did you have any disappointments with your wedding planning? Do people say it only gets worse after the wedding to you? Bah, lies.
What to do on sunny Saturday afternoons: fool around in your wedding dress.
Related posts: 6 Must-haves for your dress fitting; Watching someone else find "The One", The Organized Bride PGI Girl-Ufuoma ; The One that got away.
Photo credit: David Bragdon
Why You Shouldn’t be in a Hurry to get Married: The Law of the Avocado
The other day, I heard about a couple who got married three weeks after their first date and they are very happy together; they’ve been together for over five years now! I love that couple already. They clearly aren’t mainstream. Those are the type of stories I love to hear and tell people; extraordinary situations, good vibes, no negativity, no bad thoughts—you know, being the exception, the couple who dates for three weeks and whose marriage don’t fall apart in a huff and puff contest! I really like those stories. However, that's not what this post is about. It's about the crazy world we live in and the law of the avocado.
Stay with me.
I love avocados. I don't know what it is- I cut it open, I see the green flesh and I get very, very happy. I go crazy with one half- I eat it with a spoon, or slather it all over my chicken sandwich or chop it into my salad but I only ever use half, because both halves might be over-doing it for me. Now, if you’re an avocado-lover like me and you realize you can only eat one half, then you know that in a few moments, you desperately need to figure out a way to preserve the other half as soon as possible.
Why?
Avocados contain an enzyme known as polyphenol oxidase, which when exposed to air turns it brown. Summary, leaving your cut avocado out, will have it looking like something the cat dragged in and sneezed on.
Avocados are very sensitive to air— and to time. If you leave it out for about 10 to 30 minutes, it just keeps grinning at you, all green and lush and juicy. In two hours…then ...ATCHOO!! Cat’s sneeze.
It’s the same with relationships, it always starts out green, lush and juicy—always; but like the avocado, when left to the elements, it begins to show its true nature (which isn't always negative by the way). Nevertheless, it's a good idea to date for a while before getting married. There are no rules about how long a couple should date before they get married, however, the importance of knowing without any doubt or sentiment that you are making the right decision is so ridiculously imperative.
One of the advantages of dating for ages, is that it gives you a chance to sit still and watch your relationship, to watch for habits, for anger issues, for spending patterns, for cheating habits, for interpersonal skills and parent-sibling relations, to watch for reconcilable and irreconcilable differences. Do all the watching before you get married. Seriously, before you say ‘I do’, sit back, and watch your avocado-relationship in HD, if need be, rewind, pause, set to slo-mo. Please, just watch. Whenever you notice any issue, it's a good idea to discuss with your significant other. If it is an irreconcilable difference then, well then, I guess you caught it before you said “Yes”.
If you give your relationship enough time to let its real nature come through, you could be saving yourself a lot of drama. On one hand, it could either pass the avocado test, i.e remain greenly constant and constantly green- unchanging, despite the circumstances or amount of time or it might morph and look like 'the thing I said about the cat'. ATCHOO!
Ever tried the avocado test on your relationship? Did you have a short dating period? How cool is that? If you did, please share! What’s your ideal dating duration? Ever heard about the wait-for-30-days-before-we-start-dating rule?
Please share your thoughts with us:
Related Posts: Married to a jerk; 4 things I wish I knew on Dating Boulevard
10 Maid of Honour Duties You Should Know
My first time ever as a Maid of Honour (MoH), I was so way off my MoH game! I was 16, lackadaisical and missed most of the ceremony; I spent the entire church service dozing and the reception with some guy that I was almost dating at the time, paying like zero attention to the bride (my sister). A million apologies, Sis. I really wish someone had sent me a blog post about my duties. Anyway after that, i've been a MoH twice and i've spent all the time trying to make up for that day.
If you have been recently graced with the honor of being a bridesmaid, congratulations! It, seriously, is a prestigious appointment; the bride literally just put you in a position where you could either make the wedding a success or a complete fart! Here are 10 things you should know as an MoH:
1. The wedding is not about you AT ALL
The 5th of April (or whatever date the wedding is) is not about you, not even one bit. It's a day you get to serve your friend. She has put you in charge of her well being for the day and to ensure the day goes as planned. So set your plans and almost-boyfriends aside and make your friend as comfortable as possible!
2. The Vendors are bae
Introduce yourself to the vendors, if they don't know you already and develop a good relationship with them. Once the bride wears her dress, all the vendors go through you. Ensure the only thing on her mind is getting to the altar and enjoying her reception. If the vendors haven't been paid or have a complaint, speak with the bride and resolve.
3. Contain drama...quickly
Disgruntles ex'es, a late bridegroom, a rip in her wedding dress, or even better, Egusi splattered on her dress at the reception, whatever the drama is, make sure it doesn't get out of control. If something goes wrong, fix it. She really doesn't need to know, if it isn't too important . Brides go through enough emotional roller coasters internally and if you can shed off the load that would be great. (Hint: You might want to ditch the heels at some point)
4. Get her a Unicorn!
Whatever makes her happy and cheerful, get it for her. As a MoH, you are responsible for keeping her comfortable and in a constant state of delight.
That night, after the wedding, you will feel like you have no feet and will be thoroughly exhausted but oh, the other feeling that warms your chest after caring for your friend. It's pretty darn good.
5. Keep her on time
At my church, if the couple to be wed don't arrive early, the minister starts without them. Lol! So if you really want your friend married that day with minimal frazzle, get her ready on time. Set deadlines and timelines for her dressing up, factor in the time needed by the MUA(makeup artist) , photographer, hair-stylist etc and be on your way.
6. Delegate duties to other bridesmaids
As a MoH, you are a team-lead. From interacting with the other bridesmaids, you should understand their strengths and utilize those strengths to making the bride as comfy as possible. Don't try and do the tasks all by yourself.
7. Provide spiritual support
I had two MoH's *Grin*. Bless my soul, the amount of spiritual support i received was remarkable. Months before the wedding, it's a great idea to choose a prayer day when the bridal party can pray towards the wedding!
8. Of course, organize a bridal shower
Organize the bridal shower with the other bridesmaids. Crafting a shower that works with her personality would be a great idea too! If she doesn't like penis-y cakes, then skip the penis-y cakes. If she doesn't like quiet, homely parties, then make some noise (in a non-residential venue). Remember to get gifts for her as well! (Gift ideas here!)
9. Eyes on the MUA
I love Makeup artists (MUA) but sometimes they just zap into the thinnest air! Make sure the MUA is available to touch-up the bride's makeup often enough or to right any smears.
10. Strap up your MoH Rambo kit!
Your MoH kit is your Maid-of-honor Rambo kit! Be prepared for contingencies. Weddings are the most probable places for rips, button pops and tears, so you must be prepared: Here's a list of what should be in your MoH kit:
Tissues
Pair of slippers or ballet flats for the bride
Bride's phone
Phone charger
Mints (no chewing gum, she'll regret it later when she gets the photos)
A snack
Safety pin
Mending kit
Hairpins
Tampon/ Sanitary towel (..because nature)
Nail file
Painkillers
Did i miss anything? Any MoH or bridesmaid experiences? Share! Share!
Almost Married to Jake- 2,555 days of Summer!
Conversation I imagined between Rachel and her dad, Laban:
Rachel (beautiful and dramatic, screeching at the top of her voice, yanking at her hair): But dad, I love him and he loves me!!!!!! Why can't we be together?!
Laban (rolls his eyes): Because of the goats, my daughter, because of the goats
Rachel: What does my love life have to do with your goats?!
Laban: You used to be my chief operations officer! You used to be my best shepherd, then you meet some run-away kid who goes around making stew and stealing people's birthrights! You were my COO! Now who will be in charge of operations and Supply Chain Management?! Let your boyfriend work for me, if he can promise me returns on my investments, increased productivity and increased randiness among the sheep, then you can be married. I might even consider giving him some equity, a few goats and sheep.
Rachel: Ok, dad. How long do we have to wait?
Laban: 7 years
Rachel: What?!!!!! I'll be like a hundred by then!
Laban (puffing his shisha and looking over his spectacles): Don't be so dramatic, Rachel, what do you want Leah to say? Plus no sneaking into his tent at night. I got eyes all over this place........No making out either!
Rachel (mutters under her breath): Yeah, right.
The bible said none of that by the way that's all me, however, I can imagine Rachel, miserable and anxious, waiting to be allowed to marry the man she was in love with.
She was made to wait 7 years and so was Jake. Yeah, just a couple thousand days, approximately two thousand five hundred and fifty-five days. During that time, God was working. He was working on Jake (as he always does on us), preparing him to be a better man, a better husband, purging him of his Yoruba Demon ways, showing him that there were other ways to succeed other than being deceitful and stealing stuff! He was refining him and equipping him to be that tenacious man who wrestled with God and prevailed! He was preparing him to be Israel.
So, I ask Rachel, would you rather walk down the aisle with the whipped teenage boy who ran around making stew and stealing birthrights, or the mature, resourceful, refined business man who wrestled with God in prayer and prevailed!
God works overtime, he never ever ever clocks out. And guess who he's working for--you. If you are like Rachel waiting for a guy, wouldn't you rather let God expunge his Yoruba Demon-ness before you meet him? If you are building your business and it's taking forever, wouldn't you rather let God set all things together working for your good, even things you are unaware of? Take your time, while God gets your "ish" together for you, chill and enjoy your (±) 2555 days of Summer!
P.s: This post was supposed to be about how Jacob waited 7 years and we were supposed to laugh about how whipped he was and how he wasn't allowed to get laid but he was so deep in love he didn't care. And then I was going to ask if love like this still existed today. Clearly that post didn't go according to plan! Feel free to comment on both the intended and unintended post!
Illustration by @poetolu
A Tale of Outsourced Sex
Everyone knows that awkward Sarah-Ab-Hagar triangle, right? Not your typical everyday story; Sarah and Ab are trying to have a kid, God says 'Chill guys, I got you.' Sarah really really wants a kid but more for Ab than herself. At a certain point, she doesn't even care if this kid comes from her or not, so she sends Abraham and Hagar (her maid/ housegeh) away for the weekend; personally buys Hagar's lingerie, packs a hamper full of dark chocolate, some red, some juicy pomegranates and pays for their stay at Funky Oasis Adults Only resort. There was no way the girl was returning without at least one fertilized egg.
For a long time, I thought that was a selfless act; Sarah: the most selfless, giving wife that ever will be (because ain't no other girl in this day and age would doing any of that)
Sarah of life!
Even before Accenture ever dreamt of developing optimization frameworks for operational and infrastructural efficiency and outsourcing.....Sarah was already right there, outsourcing the heck out of her duties, optimizing and renting out certain infrastructure.
Of course, she later came to regret it, as would any woman, who outsources her role as wife, lover and custodian of the South-End wonderland of her husband. Not only did Hagar return with a fertilized egg, she also returned with an attitude, which in my opinion was all Sarah's doing. You just don't outsource a man's junk like that, girl! Not for any reason!
Of course, we all think this doesn't happen any more in this century. That was 1872 B.C.E, this is 2016! No woman is going to tell her husband to sleep with the maid; no woman outsources. Those were my thoughts too. Then two weeks back as I poured my cake batter into the baking pan, a thought dropped straight into my mind: We still outsource our husband's needs! It's subtle and Hagar-less but we still do; all the things we get frustrated dealing with, or stuff we've taken for granted, like talking about his day...in detail, like putting down your phone and actually relating with him, like not bringing work home, like not developing the mystery headache...all these things really just create a void. A void willing to be filled by other people.
This is the truth, i'm not trying to sound like those bearded aunties who tell you "Ah. Someone will steal your husband of you don't "cooperate." I'm not, but maybe 'beardy' Aunty Ava does have a point.
Take Vashti for example, she did not "cooperate" and guess who came along with advanced submission and respect-your-bae skills printed all over her CV? Esther!
Be his best friend, his priestess, his helpmate, the source of his wise counsel, his naughty lil' thing! They aren't duties or obligations, they are your rights and they really are part of who you were destined to be since the beginning of the world.
12(plus one) Marriage Turbo Buttons for 2016
Sometimes, marriage might feel like an airplane; complete with turbulence, smooth flying, being stuck in a confined space with someone who farts (*blank stare*), cruise control, altitude changes. Fun stuff, this post's focus though, is on being stuck in cruise control. If you feel like your marriage went a little passive in 2015 or before and it could do with a little "-umph" and some engine revs, you should try hitting some turbo buttons. Trust me, you won't regret any of these suggestions and if you are into New year resolutions, this works perfectly. If you aren't, of course, you don't have to wait till 2016. You can start now! Hit those turbos!
1. The "Naked" Button
Sleep or cuddle naked more often, it causes the release of oxytocin which gets you a-bonding, even tighter than before!
2. The "Shorter fights" Button
End those fights quickly. There are just so many other things to be doing, see Button # 8!
3. The "Deal with it" Button
Resolve deep-set issues, the types you both know but never feel like dealing with. Yup, those bad boys, they morph into problems down the line.
4. The "Nag-less" Button
Nagging kills. It does. No joke. One minute nag-nag-nag, the next, ploop on the floor.
5. The "Turnt Up" Button
Party with bae! Dress up, go out. Celebrate each other. Studies show couples who celebrate eachother's achievements are happier! Party!
6. The "We-time" Button
Create time for challenging activities with one another. Do all the stuff you tagged eachother on IG in 2015, saying "Relationship goals" or "This could have been us."
❤️
7. The "No plus One" Button
Also known as "the No third parties" Button. Deal with your issues yourselves, even if you need to lock yourselves up in a room and sort the issue(s). Two is better than one and trust me, two is better than three.
8. The "BURN IT DOWN" Button 😏
Burn it down, very often*. 2016, your year of steam, sparks, lights and everything torrid and heat-related.
9. The "Better me-Better us" Button
Becoming a better version of yourself has a positive effect all around especially in your relationships. Get self-help books and media supplies.
10. The "Flirt" Button
Flirt shamelessly publicly and privately.
11. The "Media-off" Button
Turn off the tv, toss the phones, share a bottle of your favorite beverage and giggle/chuckle/snort all night.
12. The "Game-on" Button
Play a game together (I'm algorithmically challenged, so Ed beats me at all video and phone games. Almost all games in fact, all but Basketball! Hehe!
13. The "Thought bubble" Button
Think about bae. Studies show thinking about your romantic partner increases your energy levels! So get those thought bubbles up and running, then, you'll get more energy for #8!
What are your improved relationship plans for 2016? Do you do these already?
Forget "Love After War", Try This!
Spats, brouhahas, quarrels, disputes, rhubarbs; why do words synonymous with misunderstandings sound so unattractive? Especially brouhaha! It just doesn't sound like something you want to do every night.
The great thing about brouhahas for most people is the "love after war" i.e make-up sex.
Leading to the "love after war", of course, is the fight itself, which primarily consists of extended hours of pouting, frowning, sizzling retorts (which you may later come to regret), frozen-cold shoulders, silent treatments, sulking, well-thought-out speeches, pretend-laughs at memes (smh), calling up random friends to fill the silence, crying (women .......and men alike), cutting remarks etc.
I often wonder, what's the point spending all the time crying and being malicious? What's the point calling friends you don't really want to talk to at the time? No point sulking and doling out hurtful remarks and laughing at memes intentionally till your jaw hurts. One thing I learnt from Lily and Marshal on the show, How I Met your Mother, was, talk and relate during your quarrels, hold hands! Make plans, kiss, even if you are mad at each other! It's the same person you'll be kissing in an hour, so what difference does it make? Honestly, everyone should try it; kissing while upset. It's so weird and probably healthy, like Greek yogurt!
Make-up sex/ "Love After War" has had its day. Love DURING war is in! It's just so much more unnatural and fun. Every bit of you your pride kicks against the idea. It takes ALOT of will-power. It takes a lot of humility and probably a little psychosis, just maybe.
Don't get me wrong, makeup sex is great! What's even more interesting is love during war. I haven't made my point but you get it anyway! Greek yogurt.
Anyone into Love During War? Ever tried kissing while upset? Comment below!
xx