How to make your Sex schedule feel less scheduled!
"Argh! It's sex night", My friend grumbled. I looked at her strangely. I wasn't married at the time and I wondered why she sounded so disappointed. Even more odd, was the term "sex night". What's a "sex night"? I decided to opt for a literary interpretation and stared at her blankly. "Duh, of course it's "sex night" ", I responded, "Every night should be sex night."
It was then, for the first time, that the concept of the "sex schedule" was explained to me- 3 times a week, tired or not, kids asleep preferably and a glass of red. Lie there long enough, someone gives up, both resort to cuddling. Lights out, snore. Dream of mystical creatures and shopping malls.
I'm kidding, she didn't say any of that. She stopped at "3 times a week, tired or not, kids preferably asleep". It sounded very dreary, still.
Wherever her husband was, I was very sure he wasn't moaning and complaining that it was sex-night later. He probably clicked his heels in a leap as he went to the water dispenser and had a mariachi band playing in the corner of his office.
Women tend to be the main barrier to sex, this is because we believe mental stimulation should precede physical stimulation, that is, we have to be in "the mood" or nothing is going to happen. However, most women report enjoying sex, even if they started out uninterested at first. It's weird, I know. According to Michele Weiner Davies, the author of Sex-Starved Marriage, women shouldn't wait for fireworks but work with the embers! How insightful. She also recommends figuring out what gets you in the mood, otherwise you'll just lie there like a cranky fish, thinking about the oatmeal bagels and French vanilla hot chocolate you plan to have for breakfast.
So anyway, I figured I'd do some research on ways to make scheduled sex feel less so. Here's what I found:
Buy new steamy underwear
Buy some precious little's, just in time for sex-night! Recommended by marital and sex therapists!
Relax
Learn to take time out for yourself. Do something that gets you to relax at least once a day. Stress is sex's worst enemy.
No more Vampire-sex
For some reason, married people have sex mostly after dark like night creatures. *Rme* Try some sunlight!
Play some music
Let's just say, something to drown out all that creaking. Try some Sade, Joe or a sexy playlist in your favorite music app!
Redecorate and tidy
Our minds love the thrill of new things, which is why your Amazon shopping cart is always full. Try redecorating your bedroom and if you are on a budget, move things around, reshuffle your bedroom furniture, that also gives a sense of newness. Remember to change your sheets and pick up the stray, mood-killing socks strewn around.
Venue change
Ahem...your bedroom could use a break. Try some other locations within your home! Where exactly? That's completely up to you. Creativity meets improvisation! Plus suggestions here. Not too sure about the backyard.
Skip a rest day
If you usually work with 3 days a week, how about throwing in a fourth day- just because! Impulsive and spontaneous is what makes planned sex feel less planned. Do something he's not expecting!
Think about the rendezvous during the day
This would qualify as mental stimulation. Of course, don't get lost in the daydream during a staff meeting. Save the starry eyes for later!
Love after Cardio
Scheduling sex after a good work out might work wonders. Exercise causes a release of energy which can be profitably channeled- for our purposes*grin*
Meet him half way
Don't wait to get "in the mood", we might as well be waiting for world peace, aye? Work with the embers!
What are your thoughts? Any suggestions to reinvigorate scheduled sex night day?
A Tale of Outsourced Sex
Everyone knows that awkward Sarah-Ab-Hagar triangle, right? Not your typical everyday story; Sarah and Ab are trying to have a kid, God says 'Chill guys, I got you.' Sarah really really wants a kid but more for Ab than herself. At a certain point, she doesn't even care if this kid comes from her or not, so she sends Abraham and Hagar (her maid/ housegeh) away for the weekend; personally buys Hagar's lingerie, packs a hamper full of dark chocolate, some red, some juicy pomegranates and pays for their stay at Funky Oasis Adults Only resort. There was no way the girl was returning without at least one fertilized egg.
For a long time, I thought that was a selfless act; Sarah: the most selfless, giving wife that ever will be (because ain't no other girl in this day and age would doing any of that)
Sarah of life!
Even before Accenture ever dreamt of developing optimization frameworks for operational and infrastructural efficiency and outsourcing.....Sarah was already right there, outsourcing the heck out of her duties, optimizing and renting out certain infrastructure.
Of course, she later came to regret it, as would any woman, who outsources her role as wife, lover and custodian of the South-End wonderland of her husband. Not only did Hagar return with a fertilized egg, she also returned with an attitude, which in my opinion was all Sarah's doing. You just don't outsource a man's junk like that, girl! Not for any reason!
Of course, we all think this doesn't happen any more in this century. That was 1872 B.C.E, this is 2016! No woman is going to tell her husband to sleep with the maid; no woman outsources. Those were my thoughts too. Then two weeks back as I poured my cake batter into the baking pan, a thought dropped straight into my mind: We still outsource our husband's needs! It's subtle and Hagar-less but we still do; all the things we get frustrated dealing with, or stuff we've taken for granted, like talking about his day...in detail, like putting down your phone and actually relating with him, like not bringing work home, like not developing the mystery headache...all these things really just create a void. A void willing to be filled by other people.
This is the truth, i'm not trying to sound like those bearded aunties who tell you "Ah. Someone will steal your husband of you don't "cooperate." I'm not, but maybe 'beardy' Aunty Ava does have a point.
Take Vashti for example, she did not "cooperate" and guess who came along with advanced submission and respect-your-bae skills printed all over her CV? Esther!
Be his best friend, his priestess, his helpmate, the source of his wise counsel, his naughty lil' thing! They aren't duties or obligations, they are your rights and they really are part of who you were destined to be since the beginning of the world.
Forget "Love After War", Try This!
Spats, brouhahas, quarrels, disputes, rhubarbs; why do words synonymous with misunderstandings sound so unattractive? Especially brouhaha! It just doesn't sound like something you want to do every night.
The great thing about brouhahas for most people is the "love after war" i.e make-up sex.
Leading to the "love after war", of course, is the fight itself, which primarily consists of extended hours of pouting, frowning, sizzling retorts (which you may later come to regret), frozen-cold shoulders, silent treatments, sulking, well-thought-out speeches, pretend-laughs at memes (smh), calling up random friends to fill the silence, crying (women .......and men alike), cutting remarks etc.
I often wonder, what's the point spending all the time crying and being malicious? What's the point calling friends you don't really want to talk to at the time? No point sulking and doling out hurtful remarks and laughing at memes intentionally till your jaw hurts. One thing I learnt from Lily and Marshal on the show, How I Met your Mother, was, talk and relate during your quarrels, hold hands! Make plans, kiss, even if you are mad at each other! It's the same person you'll be kissing in an hour, so what difference does it make? Honestly, everyone should try it; kissing while upset. It's so weird and probably healthy, like Greek yogurt!
Make-up sex/ "Love After War" has had its day. Love DURING war is in! It's just so much more unnatural and fun. Every bit of you your pride kicks against the idea. It takes ALOT of will-power. It takes a lot of humility and probably a little psychosis, just maybe.
Don't get me wrong, makeup sex is great! What's even more interesting is love during war. I haven't made my point but you get it anyway! Greek yogurt.
Anyone into Love During War? Ever tried kissing while upset? Comment below!
xx
Letters to my Great-Granddaughter: Sexual Dividends(#TBT)
Dear Charly,
"Any man who truly loves you will wait for you." This was what my mum told me. We had heard that so many times and no one was listening (being in the new millennium and all, Woohoo Y2K! Ultra-throwback). It was year 2000 and all everyone wanted to do was have sex before the world ended.
Me, I was a mama's girl (rarer than the famed "mama's boy" ), I actually listen to my mother (sometimes). Of course, I pretend like I don't and give her a good argument, but I do listen. Anyway she had given me this bit of perspective when I was about to start dating. This consequently meant I didn't have to have sex if I didn't want to. It meant, I control the sexing in every relationship (not the guy) and if I didn't want to, no guy was going to pressure me and sulk his way into my awesomely lacy underwear. This was great! This truly was the key to dating, I could date as many men as possible and not be called a slut. I would find my ideal emotionally mature man, intellectually stimulating, crazy fun, people/ family lover, a bit of a foodie and adventurous. And *drumroll* I didn't have to invest any sex! It was genius (partly because I was icky about getting all body “fluid-y” with several men. One, was really all I needed).
This is not an instructional letter. Today, I’ll just tell you how it is and what I did. It’s completely up to you to decide.
First thing to know, Charly, is this: SEX is an INVESTMENT.
Investment
/ɪnˈvɛs(t)m(ə)nt /
noun.
An act of devoting time, effort, or energy to a particular undertaking with the expectation of a worthwhile result:(Oxford dictionary)
Sex requires devotion of time, effort and energy (if you are doing it right anyway); Shave, wax, lingerie (dolly, kinky, lacey, silky), kegels, sext, contraception (patch, pill, sponge, needle), condom (ribbed, not ribbed, latex, non- latex), Lube , imagination, spontaneity (car, shower, alley, basement), mental-winding on days you really don't want to. All these, with the expectation that he will find me awesomely wonderful and eternally indispensable, that he would be unable to imagine his existence without me and pop the question one day! This was the "worthwhile" result.
What were the odds that this would occur? How many guys would I have to have sex with before I finally got one who would pop the question? Would sex guarantee me a proposal or at least something steady? I really had no idea and I am not one to take random risks. This is where forty hours of my risk analysis and management class kicks in. I wasn't ready to invest sex into any relationship that wouldn't yield superb, tangible and sustainable results. True, I had needs. You probably do too (as much as I’d like to believe you don’t, being my little Great grand daughter and all). This wasn't about needs. It was about whether at 35 years old, I’d still be creeping out of a random guy’s room at 4 AM doing the walk of shame, or even worse I’d wake up in mine and he’s gone.
I decided. No sex. True, we’d make out. Up-against-the-wall-furniture-shifting make-outs (I didn't tell you this). However, no sex. If he did love me, he’d have to wait in line while I analyzed the relationship and its potential for growth. So with my perfect man criteria in place (mentioned above), I created a timeline:
Month 1: Meet boy (no sex)
Month 2-5: Get to know boy (no sex) aka probation period
This was the most intense time; the probation period. The main activity was research; his family, his Exes. Does boy have a drinking problem, cheating history, anger issues? Does boy need sex for this relationship? Is boy willing to wait till we are married? If he is, well, good for him, he could channel his sexual energy into hunting or some other activity. This was usually always the most sexually tense period. It wasn’t easy but you know what else isn’t easy? Getting over a breakup with a guy you were sleeping with. I had to be focused.
Month 6: Dating (No sex)
Probation extension. I have standards. Do not fall short, boy.
Month 7/8: (No sex)
At this point, the relationship is probably strained from too many fights and no sex. Muhahaha. Boy begins to come undone. Boy and I. On the brink of bliss or disaster.
Month 9: (No sex)
Tsktsk. Boy has cheated. Boy is acting up. Flirting with anyone and everyone. Boy thinks I'm oblivious.
Month 10: Goodbye, boy. On to the next.
Ten months. Difficult but effective. Heads up, just in case you try to do this, this won’t work if you are idle. Be busy at school, work, community projects, church. Do not trust will-power. My will has its strengths but resisting physical intimacy isn't one of them. I had to aid my will by selecting men appropriately and by self-branding (Dating and Business school really are connected!). He had to understand what I was about and know for certain that the sex thing was not off and on the table. It was off, far off.
I'm no super- woman here, I invented it because it makes sense and I had to protect myself……. from myself. I am my own greatest specialist in joy- sabotage.
Another reason I listened to mama was the fear of ending up with the wrong man, who I couldn't let go of because I felt attached to him. That would be selling myself short! I had seen it too many times. My train of thought usually was: If I meet him, have sex with him, then discover he's no good but I can't leave him because sex and its hormones make me feel bonded to him, tied to him, then I’d be in a pickle. An avoidable pickle (those are the worst pickles). Oxytocin, vasopressin and endorphins; the hormones of deception. They collectively make you feel attached to the guy, like there’s something monogamous about what you just did, helps you feel secure, soothes you and binds you. I guess in retrospect, the only reason older people tell you not to have sex is because of the effect of those darn hormones and the false sense of security they bring.
So Charly, if you have never had sex before and you plan to wait till you are married, make sure you have a good reason for doing so (told you all of mine). If you started already, humour me and try the ten month trial period on a guy. Let’s see if he makes it to month five.
Love,
Greatgran x
This post was previously published on our old space, feistyphi
8 Reasons you might be Stuck in a Rut-n-Relationship
One day, you wake up and realize you are in a relationship you shouldn't be in.
"What am i doing here?!" The sky is NOT a different kind of blue, birds are NOT singing, neither is Michael Bublé, your laces don't tie themselves anymore, the clouds definitely have given way and you have fallen a good 100,000 feet out of heaven. You know you can do better but it's just easier coasting along and holding on to the familiar, just because it's what you've always known. That's the main reason we remain in unhealthy relationships; it's inconvenient to leave. First you have to break up with him, then his friends, then try not to think about him when you buy the 3 scoop vanilla-choc-cookies'n'cream ice-cream on a waffle cone you guys would usually get on Sunday afternoons. You'd also have to get back to having no boyfriend and someone to cuddle, no one to tag in bae-memes. You'd probably have to buy another phone, after throwing your phone against the wall with all those wedding photos on IG. Leaving might be really uncomfortable, so we remain in the Bublé-lessness and dissatisfaction. Of course, our friends tell us to move on with it but we don't. The secret to getting on with a break up is to watch your reflection slap itself in the mirror. It works eventually, on the 6th smack. Just kidding.
Bye, Felicia!
Below are other considerably amusing reasons we might decide to stay in a relationship we shouldn't be in:
1. HE OWES YOU MONEY
Lol! This literarily might be the most hilarious reason to remain in a relationship. If your almost-ex-bae is owing you money and you have no intentions of leaving without it, i completely understand. You are not alone, I've done it before. Then I had to ask my reflection...."Wait around for him to pay the debt OR Buble-Birds singing with the right guy+Lace-self-tying package." The Lace-tying was all the persuasion I needed.
2. YOU OWE HIM MONEY
This is less funny than the previous because I guess it shows you have a conscience. Some girls would bail even though they were indebted. That's really nice, however, your ovaries aren't getting any younger. It might be one of those situations when you might actually need to borrow to pay up a debt and move on out. Being trapped in a relationship because you owe is robbing yourself of time and fulfillment .
3. YOU FELL IN LOVE WITH THE IN-LAWS
It's that situation where you started dating him and then you became best friends with his sister, became healthy hair journey buddies with his cousin and favorite visitor of his gateman. Argh! The dodgiest ones have the best family, I don't know how, honestly. It's like his emotional deficit was divinely redistributed to his siblings and parents in double measure. It really makes breaking up so much more difficult! Break up with the family first in your head.....not forever though, just till everything is settled. Take time out for yourself to move on. The family should understand and respect your decision for some time off. If you realize his family remind you too much of him, I guess you have to let them go too.
4. YOUR FAMILY IS IN LOVE WITH HIM
When mum won't stop baking him cakes, cooking him banga soup and dad won't stop inviting him over to "tease his intelligent young mind" over a glass of Jack. Seriously, Dad?
Have a talk with your parents, let them know you are letting him go. They need to as well. Plus, you also eat cakes and banga and have an intelligent young mind. How about they re-direct all that to you for now?
5. SEX
This is in two parts:
a) The sex is great
"Staying with a man for sex is a great idea." See how that sounds? Enough said.
b) You invested sex and now you feel trapped
Sex is an investment but if the relationship isn't working and you feel you might lose out by walking away, let me be the first to say, you won't. Think of all the grade A sex you could have with the right husband instead of this substandard body bumping you now currently endure because you feel tied to him. Moving on would be painful but staying in a dysfunctional, retarded relationship could do more damage on the long-run.
6. HE GIVES YOU A STIPEND
If this stipend is 6-7 digits and in a currency that is on a typical foreign exchange board, well, what can I say? Refer to question at the end of reason #1. If you are to lazy to scroll back up: Wait around for your stipend OR Buble-Birds singing with the right guy+Lace-self-tying package. Entirely up to you, but just think....lace self-tying!!!!!
If it's a 2-3 digit stipend.......grunt!
7. HE BLACKMAILED YOU TO STAY WITH HIM....
........the makings of a Days of our lives episode! If he knows something about you and threatens to tell if you leave, maybe you should confide in someone and find a way to tell it to the people he's threatening to reveal your secret to. That just sounded very soap opera-ish, truly.
8. YOU DON'T WANT TO BE WITHOUT A BOYFRIEND
There are other fish in the sea and here's how to find them!
What's the most random reason you've stayed in a relationship? How do you fall out of love with the in-laws? Have you ever remained in a relationship for reason #1?
Myth Buster: The Cold Shower
This is for anyone who relies heavily on the cold shower as a means of escape from unplanned sex. It doesn't really work! Cold showers do not cool scorching pipes! I repeat, do not! Apparently, cold showers boosts testosterone, which increases the steam in the pipes which leads to you doing stuff that would completely perplex your mum, her head bending to the side, almost falling off her neck....those angles.....That was too much. My chill is below average today.
Mum: What..tha...45°, 110°, 230°....yup, something just broke
You may have heard this cold-shower-testosterone gist before, but it was completely new to me. I had always thought I'd be able to tell my son to take a shower whenever he felt the overwhelming need to have sex. "Take a cold shower my love, and watch all the kongi wash down the drain." Well, Update your info, grandma. You'd be setting yourself up to be just that, a grandma!
Testosterone is a hormone produced in the adrenal glands (the glands are a pair that sit on each kidney, double whammy!). Testosterone increases muscle mass and strength, and is responsible for the development of the male genitals, growth of hair, voice changes in adolescents. It also is responsible for the libido and sperm production and just as a reminder is not stifled by a cold shower. Just saying. Taking the shower, literarily is like being transformed into the hulk, veins popping, muscles bulking, hair tufting, stuff throbbing. It basically amplifies all the things you were feeling before you stepped under the water. Yup, setting you up for a real shower; a baby shower! Congrats in advance!
I wonder who started spreading this shower fable and why it's so popular. I guess it must have worked in the past for some people; you know how if you believe in something, chances are it will occur in accordance to your faith and everything. However, now you know, i have successfully put a dent in your faith in the cold shower. Lol. Our cold-shower-plan-B is now non-existent! Doesn't it feel great not to have a plan B, makes you have to really really work not to put yourself in a position that requires you needing a cold shower.
Anyway, do you know any cold shower substitutes that I can tell my son if he ever needs it? I'd really hate to be that bird above. Does the cold shower work for you? When was the last time someone told you to take a cold shower? Share your knowledge. This is that kind of post that no one ever wants to comment on. Lol. C'mon, prove me wrong. Remember, you can be totally anonymous if you want.
