Real Stories #2: Her Side-Sausage And other Case Studies
The writer of this article travels a lot for work, lives in hotel rooms, meets exotic women and his adventures are based on his encounters on these travels.
"It's a man's world," They say.
"Yoruba demons are evil!" They screech.
"Beware of the beard gang", They whisper.
"He left me and got married a week later!" They grumble as they delete his photos furiously.
The idea that men are the only ones capable of inflicting any form of emotional pain in a relationship or any other stage of interaction is quite flawed. We aren't the only ones who dole out the hurt and pain- the women are not doing too badly in that department either!
"Prove it!" I hear you yell.
Like you had to ask.
Case study 1: Miss X, the Queen of Sausages
Miss X and I weren't official yet. We had been on for a few weeks, trying to "define things". At some point during this 'definition' era, she told me she was going to Abuja with her boss to meet with a potential client.
I would later come to realize that the boss and the potential client were, in fact non-existent and that Miss X actually had herself a little side-sausage up North. I admit that there were some signs I conveniently ignored and that I shouldn't have.
For example, in the first week, she kept asking to check my messages and chats. This really threw me off at first, but I didn't think much of it until later. You see, I had given her no reasons to be suspicious. Why had she transformed herself into Sherlock? Was this what I was about to sign up for? But in the end, I realized that only guilty people become suspicious for no reason.
One night, she had a little too much to drink and told me about 'side-sausage'.
Case Study 2: Miss Y, the Queen of Isiewu
Miss Y spent 2 days in my hotel room and wouldn't let me past first base. Hanky-panky couldn't have been more absent. During this time, she conveniently ran up a bill for my room consisting mainly of Isiewu, while I was away at work.
I remember standing and staring as she drove off in her uber into the warm sunset, the thick wad of Isiewu receipts in my palm. Classic Maga case, nothing to be ashamed of, Typical Mr Nice-Guy, we have all been there at some point in our careers.
Miss Y...well spoken, fun and alive, Half Swiss I recall.
I am grateful to God for replenishing my pocket.
Case Study 3: Miss Z, the Queen of Grilled fish
Miss Z…..oh Miss Z…..She friend zoned me so fast, I got wrinkles from the whiplash. The sad part was that, all through our interaction, I actually had the impression that I was making strides in a positive direction.
After all the Grilled-fish dinners (which I misunderstood as dates) and our night outs (during which she usually brought along her friends...of course, I paid), after all the trips, taking her to school(Bowen) in my official car complete with a chauffeur and police escort. The sum total of the reciprocated feelings I received were that of a 'friend closer than a brother.'
So you see, it's not just us the guys.
At first, my conclusion was that these girls ain’t loyal or were just plain evil, just like people think men are. The question is, are they really? Aren't women just as dangerous?
However, I have been privileged with the opportunity to travel for work a lot, and I've ended up with a rather eclectic romantic repertoire which I believe has given me a big picture perspective and helped me, believe it or not, appreciate women in a different way than most.
The relationship that left quite the impression was the most farfetched- so, some way, somehow, I dated an Arab lady from the Northern parts of Africa. A little unusual, but she was awesome- humble, intelligent, with a good sense of perceptive empathy, like nothing I've ever seen.
Unfortunately, "Thou shalt not be unequally yoked with unbelievers" and that’s the final say on the matter. However, I would say she definitely set the bar and helped me redefine what a relationship should be and for that I am grateful.
This article was written by an anonymous contributor. His views and opinions are entirely his and do not necessarily reflect the views of PGI on this topic. This is story #2 of the Dating Like Crazy series (read #1 here). Please note that this is a real story, please comment kindly. Thanks.
Useful posts: What girls really want from the good guys, here.
The Yoruba Demon-Angel Hybrid
In the post on Yoruba demons, we established that women are into bad boys. When My friend, Tee (who is a self- proclaimed Yoruba angel) read the post, he protested! He felt like there was absolutely no hope for all the good boys out there. If girls are biologically programmed to fall in love with bad boys, then what hope exists for the good guys? Did it mean he had to become a bad boy? Did nature hate good guys? No Tee, you don't have to be a bad boy to get the girl. Nature doesn't hate you, on the contrary, it loves you!
From observation, i've noticed that the good boy actually sights the girl first, and the bad boy notices her, much, much later ( because the bad boy is too self-absorbed and is swimming already in a cascading stream of women). However, on the long run the girl ends up with the bad boy. Pray tell me why?! If you were the first to see this beautiful girl, why would some other guy come along and whisk her away? Answer: Because good boys say nothing when they like a girl. Nothing. Nahda. This is from experience.
For all the good guys out there, who have lost the loves of their lives to a Yoruba demon, it's probably because you were taking your sweet time. Then science nails this baby on the head; a study shows that ...Argh.. I love science...a study by Michigan State University, shows that women would mostly choose the first man who approaches her. This is because women are risk averse and quite frankly we don't know when the next best guy will come along. So we abide by the bird-in-hand principle. If every good boy who spotted that girl first made the first move, think of all the happy couples that would be out there right now!
Nature apparently doesn't hate good guys by letting the bad guys get the girl. It, in fact gives everyone a fair chance. It especially gives good guys the upper hand with the first-come, first-speak, first-get rule. But like I said, the good boys shuffle their feet, put their hands behind their back, open their mouth and nothing comes out!
Girls fall for the bad boy because he's assertive, confident, exciting. Wouldn't it be great if we had an angel-demon hybrid who is actually fully angel but has the qualities that attract women to the bad boys; a loving, respectful, romantic, who remembers important dates and is also assertive, fun and makes the first move.
Of course, sometimes both a good guy and a bad guy make their move and she still picks the bad guy. Sigh. It's still about the excitement.
I remember one time I wanted to make this good-boy/bad-boy decision. I won't say who I chose but let's just say....I stumbled on a study to justify my actions. Watch this, you are going to love it.....and probably pass out from shock.
A study from the University of Virginia showed that people would rather put themselves in "harmful" situations than be bored. The subjects of this study were put in an empty room with absolutely nothing to do. The only thing available to them was a device with which they could electrocute themselves. After hours of being bored out of their skulls, the subjects were seen to administer small doses of electric shock to themselves! Best believe. People really, really, really, really hate being bored, which is exactly what girls think will happen when we end up in a relationship with a good guy.
So, if people would rather be electrocuted than bored, this implies and further strengthens the claim that women would really rather risk getting electrocuted by a bad guy than be in a mellow relationship. (LoL! I can't help thinking about hairs on end and everyone looking like Doc from Back to the Future in that room)
So good boys, how about that hybrid?
Porn Lover or Hater, You should read this!
I know what you are thinking? Who talks about porn on a Tuesday morning? Well, we do! I was going to do a post on porn but then I stumbled on this post on the Art of Manliness (AoM) blog. They killed it (as always)! Therefore, i’ll just probe around this topic, just a little.
So, porn! A strangely fit guy and an unrealistically hot girl, screaming at 500 grunts a minute, the third party glued to the screen clearly trying to achieve something.....important. Now, it's a general misconception that porn improves sexual experiences and performance, not to talk of its signature gift of ungirded excitement as you successfully click on that glorious url and watch it load.
The lights are off, everyone is fast asleep, you grab your laptop and rub your hands together, that mischievous grin on your face in the dark, with a deliberate poke, you hit the power button on your laptop. It ignores your poke. Oh, the battery is completely out from your porn marathon the night before. You scramble off your bed blindly, tripping over some shoes thrown carelessly at the foot of your bed. You grab the charger, connect it to the wall and then your laptop. Your fingers are just about to hit the power button again........ NEPA cuts out the electric power.
Seriously?!
How could this be happening? How?
Well, if that ever happens to you, it might be your lucky day, for every time you skip (intentionally or unintentionally) your porn serving, you are one step closer to a healthier brain, social life and sexual life. Everyone suspects, if not knows for certain, that porn is unhealthy but it's an experience that stimulates the part of the brain which is associated with addiction, so it's a little difficult to control.
Just so you know, here are a couple effects porn may have on you:
1. The 'Fiona-Shrek' effect
Adult material is intentionally crafted to excite the viewer, right? Therefore, the women seem to look much hotter than the average next door Jane. She also looks much hotter than your wife! Hmmm...so after staring at this teeny-waisted, big breasted, Apple-buttomed porn actress (note:actress) for about 5-10 hours a week, chances are your partner will begin to look a little like shrek, complete with funnel ears! The girl on the screen, of course, is your new Fiona. This can only lead to a degradation of your relationship. Reports also show that porn use leads to increased secrecy, less intimacy and depression!
2. Joining Grandpa in the Doctor's office
Studies show that excessive porno use eventually leads to limp situations; “down” is the new “up”, if you know what I mean. More young men are seeking erectile dysfunction medication because they find it a little more difficult to get erections. I have never been in a guy’s head but i know erectile problems are probably your worst nightmare. Bo!
3. Child porn, anyone?
Over time, porn watchers become desensitized to "mainstream" pornographic material. It's just the way it is. Several people report that they start to watch material that they find repulsive but it gets them there, anyway! Gang rapes, child porn etc. Here's why, when the brain gets hit by porn, dopamine is released. The more triple x videos seen, the more the brain becomes insensitive to dopamine, the less excitement is achieved. Of course, the watcher doesn't get as excited as he used to, so he keeps clicking and digging and wading through this porn vortex seeking for the next best thing. It turns out that next best thing progresses from guy/girl combos to orgies to rapes to gang rapes to child rape , it goes on. It gets better…worse, blunted dopamine receptors lead to depression. It's that D-word again.
4. "..A is for Boobs…Duh?"
Porn leads to the weakening of the prefrontal complex which is responsible for cognitive ability, executive function, personality expression and social behavior ; decision making; thoughts and action associated with internal goals. Seriously, that just means it turns a perfectly healthy person into a person who is a little less intelligent, a little more depressed, a limp "countenance" and impaired decision-making abilities! You know we don't mess with our decision-making on PGI. Nuh-un. Don't mess with your decision making, please, please! It's your key to too many things and your avenues to several levels of fulfillment.
Stopping porn all together must be as challenging as any addiction is but here's a link on the blog, AoM that helps with that!
All the best and blow NEPA a kiss for that night!
Have you ever experienced any of these effects? The Fiona-Shrek effect especially?! Do you read the Art of manliness?
Crafted using "The Possible Pitfalls of Porn" AoM
Myth Buster: The Cold Shower
This is for anyone who relies heavily on the cold shower as a means of escape from unplanned sex. It doesn't really work! Cold showers do not cool scorching pipes! I repeat, do not! Apparently, cold showers boosts testosterone, which increases the steam in the pipes which leads to you doing stuff that would completely perplex your mum, her head bending to the side, almost falling off her neck....those angles.....That was too much. My chill is below average today.
Mum: What..tha...45°, 110°, 230°....yup, something just broke
You may have heard this cold-shower-testosterone gist before, but it was completely new to me. I had always thought I'd be able to tell my son to take a shower whenever he felt the overwhelming need to have sex. "Take a cold shower my love, and watch all the kongi wash down the drain." Well, Update your info, grandma. You'd be setting yourself up to be just that, a grandma!
Testosterone is a hormone produced in the adrenal glands (the glands are a pair that sit on each kidney, double whammy!). Testosterone increases muscle mass and strength, and is responsible for the development of the male genitals, growth of hair, voice changes in adolescents. It also is responsible for the libido and sperm production and just as a reminder is not stifled by a cold shower. Just saying. Taking the shower, literarily is like being transformed into the hulk, veins popping, muscles bulking, hair tufting, stuff throbbing. It basically amplifies all the things you were feeling before you stepped under the water. Yup, setting you up for a real shower; a baby shower! Congrats in advance!
I wonder who started spreading this shower fable and why it's so popular. I guess it must have worked in the past for some people; you know how if you believe in something, chances are it will occur in accordance to your faith and everything. However, now you know, i have successfully put a dent in your faith in the cold shower. Lol. Our cold-shower-plan-B is now non-existent! Doesn't it feel great not to have a plan B, makes you have to really really work not to put yourself in a position that requires you needing a cold shower.
Anyway, do you know any cold shower substitutes that I can tell my son if he ever needs it? I'd really hate to be that bird above. Does the cold shower work for you? When was the last time someone told you to take a cold shower? Share your knowledge. This is that kind of post that no one ever wants to comment on. Lol. C'mon, prove me wrong. Remember, you can be totally anonymous if you want.
For de Men Dem: Your First Date Kit.
It's the first date!! We all know men like to act like the first date is a 'casual' see-where-it-goes affair, so read the first sentence again without the exclamation marks. They also like to pretend like they don't fall into the frantic "What do i wear?!!" dilemma, so we are going to pretend along side and casually put up this product collage, so they can 'casually' be aware of what might work on this 'casual' event.
Let's jump right in. What are the 5 places on you she will notice first?
If you said eyes, you are wrong! Top 5 places she will look: Your shoes, your shirt, your ankles, your hair, your watch (maybe). That explains #1, #2, #3 and #6a. #6a, being your shirt, if she cares about labels, she will notice a crest, if you care about crests too, well, i guess you both are in luck! Your shirt has to be clean, crested or not, like this #6-guy kinda clean. No recycling for your date! Do not rummage through your laundry bag. Don't. Women have a superior sense of smell, i'm not kidding, click the link to see. We smell everything you can't.
#3 is Coconut oil for your hair, beard (no pressure, unless you are in the beard gang. If you are, then pressure!) and your ankles (we see them). Ashy ankles are one of those things that can only be tagged as preventable. Prevent it. The fact that you smell of coconut is probably an interesting ice-breaker. Hehe.
For a first date, comfort is important. You would already probably have a mild nervous breakdown from being close to her (except you are Bond. James Bond.). I guess its best you dress up in stuff you are comfortable in which brings me to number 6b! Shorts! I'm a great believer in shorts on a first date. It gives her the opportunity to see if it's an Esau or Jacob situation we have going down there and also gives you the opportunity to show off those legs. That is, if you have legs you are proud of. This is only appropriate on certain occasions, obviously and is completely up to you to try out. I don't think i've ever been on a date with someone who was brave enough to wear shorts....ok wait, maybe once. I don't think it was voluntary though. Long story. Only the brave....Pharrel pulled it off on the red carpet more than once. #Justsaying
#4 Handkerchiefs, aren't those extinct! Well, they shouldn't be. You probably need 2, one for drying your nervous perspiration(unless you are so together like Bond. James Bond) and the other for her, just in case she begins to cry for some reason. Maybe she can't believe how perfect you are and how long she has been waiting for someone like you. The things that make us cry......rme*.
#7 Sunglasses are great, but not for the whole duration. She probably wants to see your eyes at some point (except you are crying too, lol). #5 is this really nice bracelet by Paul Hewitt which i couldn't resist putting up. Accessories are great, as long as it's a minimalist effect overall.
I generally wouldn't recommend a tank top for your first date. Why? The armpits. The armpits are NOT a place anyone wants to get acquainted with right after the first "hello", especially if the hair there is of significant volume. Cringe*.
In conclusion, you don't need to have all these items to have a good time. It definitely helps to be neat and well put together and most importantly to have good intentions, which all women wish could be as apparent as your bare legs but she'll have to learn to decipher if you are a hit and run kinda guy all by herself.
If you live anywhere where your leaves are turning various shades of the primary colors already, well, this is probably the last weekend to try to wear this. So goodluck!
**Sheabutter also works wonders on ashy ankles but the smell would probably break the ice and much, much more.
Would you wear shorts on your first date? What 5 places do you think women notice first?