5 Awesome Things I miss About Lagos
Photo credit: Ed Adegboye
Lagos is one of the most remarkable places i've ever lived. It has a life of its own; bubbly, loud, severe and self-consciously modern. It's completely oblivious to other places as it sun-bathes (literally) in its resources and lively metropolis but still, is intricately tied to the global world! It's my city crush any day and I can't wait to visit soon. Here are 5 things that I miss about Lagos:
1. The Traffic Shopping Mall
It's common knowledge that you can purchase anything while stuck in Lagos traffic. Three random items that I've negotiated for in traffic-- a dog, a Christmas tree and a standing fan! Lol! I miss you, mall of life! Innovation in retail.
2. Buka Food
While I am not an avid buka crawler like Ed, I do have certain buka crushes like "white house" in Yaba! Hmmn. I do a pretty good job with cooking my Gbegiri's and Ogbono's, but nothing beats firewood-cooked food, that wasn't cooked by you (the latter is the important part, lol). I miss the street food too; puffies! Boli! Roasted corn! Akara and bread on Ile-Ife highway! Haha! Street, yo!
3. My Adrenaline High
Driving in Lagos is my ultimate be-wary trigger. Your adrenaline is pumping over time as you swerve from an incoming bus, avoid a pothole and miss by an inch, a pedestrian walking haphazardly across the street! You have to be able to keep your eyes focused on the road and also have eyes at the back of your head, in the bid to make it to your destination in one piece , while watching out for LASTMA, FRSC and that strange guy in your window who may have a concealed weapon. I met that guy.
I do NOT miss that guy.
4. Living the Music
Listening to new Nigerian music on YouTube is just not the same as living in Nigeria and listening to it in your car or at a party on the weekend or is it just me who feels this way?
5. Yellow Cabs (Oko asewo*)
The first time I heard a biker call a yellow cab driver "Oko asewo*", i was thoroughly offended! I thought he was insinuating that i was the asewo, considering the fact that i was the only one in the cab. My aunt later pacified me with the truth; "Oko asewo" is their nickname because they served a different clientele after hours. Interesting! I miss seeing them though. I'm sure uber is giving them a run for their money! I hope they aren't struggling so much. Are uber drivers the new Oko asewo's?
Where do you live? What do you miss about your last location? What do you miss about Lagos? If you live in Lagos, please recommend bukas and tell us the most interesting thing you've ever bought in traffic!
*I want to believe the translation in English is Pimp.
Better than the Side Chic
Kids have the "tattletale" code. Guys have the "guy-code". We, girls have the much less popular and less reverent "girl code". It isn't exactly what you would refer to as binding. I assume it's because we, girls do not exhibit the in-group bias*. It's an every-woman-for-herself situation we have going. Men and children definitely defend one another devotedly within their in-groups. Proof 1, my husband never spills about his friends. Proof 2, my nephews and nieces (all below age 7) never tell on each other. Girls, enough said. We need a code! We need to stop gossiping about each other, hating and trying to out-slay one another. Most importantly, we need to stop poaching other sisters' men. Really.
The Man-Poach Ban
Poach(pōch)
intransitive verb
1: to encroach upon especially for the purpose of taking something
2: to trespass for the purpose of stealing game
(Merriam Webster)
If you need to ask whether a man is fair game, he probably isn't. Men hardly leave their wives for mistresses. They all have the same story about how they ended up with the wrong woman, how she's so awful and he's going to leave her. Unfortunately, we can't make men act right. However, we, the women can act right and protect each other by not poaching.
I met this guy one day, during my lunch break at a restaurant close to work (before i was married). There he was, sitting there, attractive, ring-less and he was staring at me. That made me smile.
He obviously took the smile as a 'come on over, brother'. And he did, slow and measured. He had done this before. I could tell. His eyes, dark, locked on me, Yoruba-demon style, confident and sure. It was exciting but it was also mildly unsettling. My pulse throbbed against my tightly fastened watch. This was going to be trouble. I had come to know men and developed a 'bullshit' sensor. The faculty that perceives the external stimuli of BS.
Just to throw him off, I got up to leave (of course I paid the bill), he followed me. Few pick-up lines later, he asked for my number. I said 'No', but said he could give me his [this is the best way to get a guy to leave you alone]. He wouldn't let me go till I promised to call him that evening. I conveniently and intentionally forgot.
The following morning, my C.O.O at work calls me into his office (What?! Why?!; My thoughts). I show up and he says he got a call from one of our clients who met me yesterday (my mind is scrolling fast through my directory of faces from the day before). Then ding, it hit. Restaurant guy! C.O.O then asks me to please establish contact with the client, completely oblivious.
The guy, Collin (not his real name) had called my C.O.O to ask for my full name and my details and now I had to see him on executive orders [He also left his number (again) just for good measure].
I'll admit I was impressed, I felt more than special. He actually went all the way up the organizational ladder to get my attention. It was going to be a disaster. You know that moment when you meet a man who wants a steady relationship and a deep, meaningful thing (bells, whistles, streamers, slow-mo)..... and you know that moment when you meet the "others" (sound of crickets). He was the others, with a crown. So, guards up, sentences short, I called him at lunch time and that was all he needed. He started texting, calling, showing up outside my building once I got off work (he worked like two buildings down), surprise lunches. My friend wouldn't stop gushing about how sexy it was that he called an executive to get me to call him. She couldn't believe i wasn't biting this bait!
Then, not long after, I discovered he was married. Someone at work knew him, it wasn't much of a shocker. All I really could think of was his wife. This is not me being self - righteous but my mind literally put a woman together (complete with painted toe-nails), threw in some kids and some guilt and we had the perfect 'clear-off cocktail'. I cut off completely, lost his number, and blocked his calls (thankfully, we hadn't engaged full social media communication).
It turned out his family was in another state and he worked in my city, occasionally. So, I was to be the silence-filler/bed-warmer/bar-buddy. Well, he never had the pleasure.
He kept calling though. I changed his number to "Don't pick ever" (I was a little dry on wit,i know, I should have been more creative).
It wasn't my problem if his wife was awful, was a demon, was cheating or even Maleficent! They took vows, both of them, not three of us. Maleficent has nice cheekbones, he could suck on that.
We, girls, are so perfect in every way and left-overs just shouldn't do. We are beautiful, smart, sexy, nurturing, loving, creative, cunning (this has its good side), emotional (this also), fun, resilient, devoted, great hard workers, soft but tough, stubborn but yielding, silly but wise. Perfect.
So why be a side-girl? We all deserve a wonderful man, a great life filled with memorable years that take our breaths away. With realizing this comes dignity.
This dignity teaches us to respect the lives and stuff of other sisters.
Your thoughts are completely welcome! Are you trying to get out of an unhealthy relationship, this might help? If you'd like some help, click here!
*in-group bias: means to give preferential treatment to a group you have identified with.
(Previously published on old blogspace)
4 Surprising Things That Happened to Me in 2015
1. I became a Justin Bieber fan!
I blame his new album. I can't believe I started liking him! I had been so indifferent for so long but now I'm a fan of his music, I can't deny. After watching him perform at some show in New York during Thanksgiving, I guess it's safe to say, I'm now a bieliber...senior citizen's category.
2. I moved to a city that I had always flirted with but never really took seriously
Remember when you were single and you'd flirt with that cute guy at work, like every other day and then suddenly you guys are married...... in less than a month?
You don't?
Yeah well, something that unlikely happened to me. It was pretty weird. I hadn't ever imagined I'd end up here but i'm delighted i did! *Flirt* *Flirt* *Wink*
3. I had so many Action-packed dreams
This I blame entirely on my devotion to Blacklist and Game of thrones, more Blacklist though. Ed and I also watched mostly action movies this year, for some reason. Thank God, I had Downton Abbey to dilute all that adrenaline.
Hmmm....it would have been nice to dream about Downton Abbey though, drink tea, eat crumpets and weetabix and listen to Adele.
4. I twitted for the first time ever!
Ok, that isn't so surprising. Nope wait, it completely is! It's 2015 and I was still a Twitter-Virgin in October! I liked to imagine I was the only Twitter virgin out there but probably wasn't...*shrug*. Anyway, I'm now a proud account holder with 83 tweets, follow me @pagesbyike and let's get random. Another surprise: I had thought I would be a chronic twitter.....tweeter..... (do they call the people who tweet, twitters, tweeters or Twitties? Smh, I'm so far behind). Strangely, i'm not too addicted to it but i am developing this new love for it though.
What surprises did you have in 2015? Married in less than a month? In your flirt-city suddenly? Dreaming about John Snow's ressurection too often?
That Time I called up an Ex
As someone who has a healthy ex-life, I've had a couple of ex-related epiphanies for reasons far beyond me. Not necessarily the best kinds of epiphanies too; usually a muddle of bad ideas with good intentions. One of the less catastrophic ones though, was the time I drew up a list of people I wanted to apologize to because I had been a little insensitive at the time we ended it.
So like Adele, I started this Ex outreach program. Lol.
Now with every epiphany comes the light bulb, a smile, a raised forefinger and the general feeling that it's a good idea; it won't take you long to find out it's not. It's literally is as disruptive as going to a graveyard and digging up old decayed bones and then caressing them.....just because. One thing I can say is, exes like Adele and I are looking for trouble; calling someone after so long, looking for closure or looking to apologize for doing them wrong is just not ideal.
Back to the Exes' outreach program. I wanted to apologize because I had been naughty in the past (said that already) . The plan was to apologize via text (I know, I know, the cowardly way) and make peace. So, I started with the first name on my list, (picture me digging up bones and caressing). He apparently thought I was trying to get back with him and that i was flirting, so he proceeded to 'flirt back'....intensely. Cringe. Ever so intensely, it was disturbing.
Yeah, that definitely pulled the brakes on my apology list. Never got through the rest.
In Adele's case, she was looking more for closure, than anything else; yeah, equally a bad idea. I've never really been a fan of seeking closure from another human being. It would mean that I can't live a normal life until I have their 'OK'. Example, imagine an ex cheated, would it make any sense if you lived your life chasing after him to find out why he did it? Err...Nope. Your closure is in your head. True, you ran into a less-than-satisfactory individual. Fine. You learn your lesson, you move on, you live joyfully ever after. Finito!
Anyway, I love "Hello", I sing it in the shower, behind the wheel, I pop out from behind walls singing,"Hello, it's me" to Ed; I've seen the video about 20 times, watched about 50 covers, over 29 memes! So yeah, I love the song. I'm sure it sparked a crazy ex-calling-frenzy since October. If you are thinking about joining the frenzy, just remember; caressing bones!
Have you ever pulled an Adele? Thinking about pulling an Adele? Any "Hello...it's me's?" Share, o please share!
Did anyone notice the guy in the video wouldn't just shut up? He kept talking and talking until he got dumped. Lol.
Note to self: He who talks too much will eventually be left in the rain
My Top 3 'Hello' Covers! (It sounds so good when guys sing it)
Hello by Ciuffi Rossi (O these amazing Italian guys! Yay, Italia!)
Hello by Taps Mugadza
My Friend, Diana's fave cover
Hello by Omawumi
Letters to my Great-Granddaughter: Sexual Dividends(#TBT)
Dear Charly,
"Any man who truly loves you will wait for you." This was what my mum told me. We had heard that so many times and no one was listening (being in the new millennium and all, Woohoo Y2K! Ultra-throwback). It was year 2000 and all everyone wanted to do was have sex before the world ended.
Me, I was a mama's girl (rarer than the famed "mama's boy" ), I actually listen to my mother (sometimes). Of course, I pretend like I don't and give her a good argument, but I do listen. Anyway she had given me this bit of perspective when I was about to start dating. This consequently meant I didn't have to have sex if I didn't want to. It meant, I control the sexing in every relationship (not the guy) and if I didn't want to, no guy was going to pressure me and sulk his way into my awesomely lacy underwear. This was great! This truly was the key to dating, I could date as many men as possible and not be called a slut. I would find my ideal emotionally mature man, intellectually stimulating, crazy fun, people/ family lover, a bit of a foodie and adventurous. And *drumroll* I didn't have to invest any sex! It was genius (partly because I was icky about getting all body “fluid-y” with several men. One, was really all I needed).
This is not an instructional letter. Today, I’ll just tell you how it is and what I did. It’s completely up to you to decide.
First thing to know, Charly, is this: SEX is an INVESTMENT.
Investment
/ɪnˈvɛs(t)m(ə)nt /
noun.
An act of devoting time, effort, or energy to a particular undertaking with the expectation of a worthwhile result:(Oxford dictionary)
Sex requires devotion of time, effort and energy (if you are doing it right anyway); Shave, wax, lingerie (dolly, kinky, lacey, silky), kegels, sext, contraception (patch, pill, sponge, needle), condom (ribbed, not ribbed, latex, non- latex), Lube , imagination, spontaneity (car, shower, alley, basement), mental-winding on days you really don't want to. All these, with the expectation that he will find me awesomely wonderful and eternally indispensable, that he would be unable to imagine his existence without me and pop the question one day! This was the "worthwhile" result.
What were the odds that this would occur? How many guys would I have to have sex with before I finally got one who would pop the question? Would sex guarantee me a proposal or at least something steady? I really had no idea and I am not one to take random risks. This is where forty hours of my risk analysis and management class kicks in. I wasn't ready to invest sex into any relationship that wouldn't yield superb, tangible and sustainable results. True, I had needs. You probably do too (as much as I’d like to believe you don’t, being my little Great grand daughter and all). This wasn't about needs. It was about whether at 35 years old, I’d still be creeping out of a random guy’s room at 4 AM doing the walk of shame, or even worse I’d wake up in mine and he’s gone.
I decided. No sex. True, we’d make out. Up-against-the-wall-furniture-shifting make-outs (I didn't tell you this). However, no sex. If he did love me, he’d have to wait in line while I analyzed the relationship and its potential for growth. So with my perfect man criteria in place (mentioned above), I created a timeline:
Month 1: Meet boy (no sex)
Month 2-5: Get to know boy (no sex) aka probation period
This was the most intense time; the probation period. The main activity was research; his family, his Exes. Does boy have a drinking problem, cheating history, anger issues? Does boy need sex for this relationship? Is boy willing to wait till we are married? If he is, well, good for him, he could channel his sexual energy into hunting or some other activity. This was usually always the most sexually tense period. It wasn’t easy but you know what else isn’t easy? Getting over a breakup with a guy you were sleeping with. I had to be focused.
Month 6: Dating (No sex)
Probation extension. I have standards. Do not fall short, boy.
Month 7/8: (No sex)
At this point, the relationship is probably strained from too many fights and no sex. Muhahaha. Boy begins to come undone. Boy and I. On the brink of bliss or disaster.
Month 9: (No sex)
Tsktsk. Boy has cheated. Boy is acting up. Flirting with anyone and everyone. Boy thinks I'm oblivious.
Month 10: Goodbye, boy. On to the next.
Ten months. Difficult but effective. Heads up, just in case you try to do this, this won’t work if you are idle. Be busy at school, work, community projects, church. Do not trust will-power. My will has its strengths but resisting physical intimacy isn't one of them. I had to aid my will by selecting men appropriately and by self-branding (Dating and Business school really are connected!). He had to understand what I was about and know for certain that the sex thing was not off and on the table. It was off, far off.
I'm no super- woman here, I invented it because it makes sense and I had to protect myself……. from myself. I am my own greatest specialist in joy- sabotage.
Another reason I listened to mama was the fear of ending up with the wrong man, who I couldn't let go of because I felt attached to him. That would be selling myself short! I had seen it too many times. My train of thought usually was: If I meet him, have sex with him, then discover he's no good but I can't leave him because sex and its hormones make me feel bonded to him, tied to him, then I’d be in a pickle. An avoidable pickle (those are the worst pickles). Oxytocin, vasopressin and endorphins; the hormones of deception. They collectively make you feel attached to the guy, like there’s something monogamous about what you just did, helps you feel secure, soothes you and binds you. I guess in retrospect, the only reason older people tell you not to have sex is because of the effect of those darn hormones and the false sense of security they bring.
So Charly, if you have never had sex before and you plan to wait till you are married, make sure you have a good reason for doing so (told you all of mine). If you started already, humour me and try the ten month trial period on a guy. Let’s see if he makes it to month five.
Love,
Greatgran x
This post was previously published on our old space, feistyphi
Become a Blogger in 5 minutes!
This post took me about 5 minutes to read (and 2 weeks to write, lol), hence the title. I need to take out time to appreciate bloggers out there. They work really hard to ensure they provide the best quality for their readers , spend a lot of time getting posts together and usually don't go to bed until they know they got it right, only then, do they permit themselves to plop down on their with a smile on their faces because they know they have made someone's day. So, here's to bloggers out there!
I have been blogging for about one year now, actually 11 months. I seem to have fallen in love with it. From sourcing for a creative urge to sitting down in my space to build and design; watching responses and blog statistics; finding ways to be better; encouraging new and fellow bloggers; posting; interacting with all my great readers; giggling with people who send me private messages. I love it all and i'd be crazy not to encourage others to blog. Some people say it's therapeutic- the writing bit. I don't know about that, maybe, but I do know it's fun and challenging! Here are a few things i have learnt over the last 11 months both first-hand and second-hand, which have helped me on this super-exciting journey. Enjoy!
Set your vision and goals
A question i had to answer at some point on this journey was; what do you hope to achieve from blogging? My honest answer was and still is to provide a space where we all can be life/relationship hackers, unfazed by life's curve balls, which it throws at us all the time. Pagesbyike was created on that vision and serves as resource that draws from science, God, experiences and real people to provide its community with hacks! Understand what your vision is and run with it. Set goals to achieve this vision, then plan.....
Map out a blog plan
Something bloggers might struggle with is the consistency of putting up posts. We have other responsibilities that require our attention, of course and your readers completely understand....not! Lol! If they love what you write, they probably want it everyday, every hour even! Drawing up a blog plan to work with and setting deadlines, makes blogging much more tangible and manageable. I have learnt to always plan ahead, 3 months ahead. Having an idea of what you'd like to blog about ahead of time, takes out the initial nerve wreaking frazzle of the "What do i post?!!!" situation.
Choose your subject matter
Write what you know but also test the waters. There's so much stuff to write on. Choose something that you are absolutely passionate about, not merely just interested in. I am super-passionate about making better life decisions and continuous self-improvement but i am interested in food recipes. I would gladly read food recipes off another blogger but i might not last a week blogging about recipes. Know you passions and differentiate them from your interests.
Don't be obsessed with statistics
O, the statistics!! I remember my first month writing, i think I was my only reader, lol and of course Ed. I'd check the blog metrics and there'd be only two counts for visitors. Needless to say, it was quite discouraging but Ed would always say "Just write", I don't think there's anything more inspiring than those two words. It outweighs all the technicality and stats and helps to focus on the right thing; passion.
Know your audience
It's helpful to know the demographics of your target audience. Some blogging platforms provide the geographical locations of your readers (blogger, squarespace). Blogger provides a very comprehensive geo-location analysis of your audience. When we were on blogger, sometimes, i'd see readers in Russia, Senegal or Alaska! It was terribly exciting and it helped me understand that i had to be more dynamic with my writing. Knowing your audience helps you tailor your posts to their needs and interests.
Help me tailor yours, send me a message here!
Respond to all comments
From my statistics, i can tell you that less than 10% of readers comment. If some readers from that very small percentage choose to comment, honor their comments with a response. Also, as a blogger, make it a habit to comment on other blogs. My friend says its like a sowing a seed, it will eventually come back to you too. Another reason is that your comment encourages those bloggers and it may also direct traffic to your blog if you leave an interesting comment.
Do give aways!
Giveaways are a great way to engage your audience. True, there may be people who just stop by for the freebies but hey, haven't we all. No judgement. My first giveaway is coming up soon! Watch out for that...christmas might be coming a little early this year!
Thank you, to all those who comment ever so frequently!
xx
What is your favorite blog? Are you thinking about starting a blog? Are you a new blogger? What are your main challenges? How long did it take you to read this post?
The Wax Affair: Heads Up Down Below (#TBT)
For as many seeking the best way to get rid of hair on the undersides (*giggle*she said "undersides") and wonder what a wax feels like, wonder no more! I am here to share my experience. For almost 12 months now, I have been trying to convince two of my friends to get a wax and abandon the pungent smell of hair-removal cream and the 'in-growth fairy god-mother'; the shaving stick. Every time, I mention it, their eyes get this distrustful glazed look, a glare echoing reminiscence (i wonder why). Anyway, I dedicate this post to them.
I have gotten a wax done three times and I do not know which time was the most painful. It's already public knowledge that I don't do pain. Each time, I have had to constantly remind myself that I am a grown woman and I would have to exercise some self-control during the process....these reminders, all, of course, die once we start.
Ok, It's not fair that I make it sound horrendous and frighten any virgin-waxers and my friends but it is horrendous. The result, on the other hand is excellent. It's like eyebrow-threading. At the end, you look like a lawnmower ran over your face and left identical red highlights on your brow bones but that's ok, because you look excellently groomed and sharp, same down there with the wax! [Note: I convinced these same friends to get their brows threaded for the first time, hence, the deep distrust they have for me. hehe]. Get your wax on guys, let bygones be bygones! Muhaha.
First, I wouldn't recommend trying this on yourself unless of course you are trained to. I once tried waxing myself in the privacy of my own bathroom. That day, I trotted to the store, bought a home kit, locked myself in the bathroom and began with my underarms. Summary: disaster, I had to walk akimbo for 3 days. LOL!I'd recommend going to a specialist. They are trained to do this. Plus they have the bird's view and are able to reach areas you can't.
Bullet points on how it went down and what to expect....
- You follow the esthetician into a quaint, clean ( if otherwise, you are toast) room with a bench and table of equipment (ointment, wax heater, application sticks which remind me of ice-cream)
- Happy-faced esthetician (always happy faced) briefs you on the procedure. Asks you to strip your bottoms and lie down on the bench while she exits the room and probably stabs herself with a happy drug that helps her deal with your bushy genitals
- Smiling esthetician returns (always too early but knocks first thankfully)
- She folds back the towel you have covered your lower region with (which you hope she'd just leave in place and magically do her job, while never having to acquaint herself with your "privies")
- She lathers on warm, o, wonderfully warm wax and starts a conversation. You think to yourself, "This isn't so bad, what's that pagesbyike on about. Pain spain.....
- ....And then krrrrrrrrrrrchhh! Lights go off in your head like New year's eve. It's like a brain freeze plus a brain explosion. It's like an explosion in the Artic
- Then you let out this high pitched squeal-laugh caused by shock, pain and unpreparedness
- At this point you will be able to know if this is for you or not. Some people leave at this point (The Lord knows there have been times I almost jumped off the bench half shaven and still willing to pay the full price. Heck, I could have paid extra if she would just leave me alone). Thankfully they don't start down the middle and leave you with a Nigerian flag situation down there. So you can leave at this point
- If you stay after the first strip........my friend, we should meet. Chances are that you may be tough enough to outlast the Apocalypse and I want to be on your team
- Then comes the next warm wax lather and strip , it's no better than the first. You'd think the pain dips or plateaus but no....
- More conversation...Some praise from the esthetician (if she sees tears collect at the corner of your eyes)
- Approximately 8 "krrrrrrrchs" later...you are almost done.
- Then the butt wax. There's no dignified way to get this done....so humble yourself and remember that P.diddy dyes his pubes for whatever reason, which we will never know and never want to know. Dyed pubes. That always makes me feel better. I don't know why. Hope restored.
Everything I just said aside, it's really not that bad. Think of it as "ripping off the band-aid several times". If I, the queen of Nopainville, can, so can you! Go for it! It does a great job, gets you all groomed and tidy. Watch some Youtube videos. This one really helped me. This one is just plain entertaining. LOL
Allergies must be reported to the esthetician and yes, pop a painkiller some minutes before going in. When you are done, you get a free lollipop. Not!
Happy waxing!
What's your least favorite fashion ritual?
This post was originally published on our old space; feisty phi.