Which of these Mrs-Money-Bags Girl is She?
Money and love have long been married in a complex, symbiotic relationship for ages. Sometimes 'love' exists because of money and sometimes money ceases to exist because of love -- and the other person's spending habits. Lol. Money management disparities cause a lot of misunderstandings and disagreements between couples; and just when you didn't think this money matter couldn't get more entertaining, people, most times, get attracted to other people with contrasting spending habits. Hehe. Fun.
So, what's the best way to handle this baby? Recently, our reader and avid commenter, David, sent me an article, which covered a talk hosted by Harvard Law School last February. Present during this talk as panelists, were individuals who are experts in negotiation, lasting marriage and mediation and they were asked to give advice, provide solutions and share effective techniques to develop healthy relationships.
It was advised that couples open joint bank accounts because couples with joint accounts tend to bemore committed, "share money, time and responsibility".
Could this joint account idea be a middle ground for the financial management differences the couple might have? I wondered.
Of course, advice isn't one size fits all, because we all have different backgrounds, experiences and spending habits. Some people have intentions of owning a secret savings accounts, some love the idea of joint accounts, some just don't get it, some believe in spending one salary, some believe in spending till you drop and some believe in saving money till you drop.
As human beings, many of us have come up with ways around this money-love conundrum! Below is a list of 7 hypothetically real girls in different financial situations. I think when I was 8 years old, I wanted to be girl #2 and #7. I was almost #5 at some point! Have you ever been or do you know any of these girls? Which girl would you want to be? Which girl is your alter-ego?
Girl #1
Married. Full time job. Joint account with husband. No personal savings.
Girl #2
Married. Full time job. Joint account with husband. Secret personal savings account.
Girl #3
Married. No job. Monthly allowance from husband. No savings at all!
Girl #4
Married. Entrepreneur. Earnings spent on household. No savings. Husband's earnings used predominantly for savings and big purchases.
Girl #5
Single. Full time job. Joint investment and savings with boyfriend.
Girl #6
Single. No job. Manhunt.
Girl #7
Married. Concealed savings and property. And a crazy-believable poker face.
8 Reasons you might be Stuck in a Rut-n-Relationship
One day, you wake up and realize you are in a relationship you shouldn't be in.
"What am i doing here?!" The sky is NOT a different kind of blue, birds are NOT singing, neither is Michael Bublé, your laces don't tie themselves anymore, the clouds definitely have given way and you have fallen a good 100,000 feet out of heaven. You know you can do better but it's just easier coasting along and holding on to the familiar, just because it's what you've always known. That's the main reason we remain in unhealthy relationships; it's inconvenient to leave. First you have to break up with him, then his friends, then try not to think about him when you buy the 3 scoop vanilla-choc-cookies'n'cream ice-cream on a waffle cone you guys would usually get on Sunday afternoons. You'd also have to get back to having no boyfriend and someone to cuddle, no one to tag in bae-memes. You'd probably have to buy another phone, after throwing your phone against the wall with all those wedding photos on IG. Leaving might be really uncomfortable, so we remain in the Bublé-lessness and dissatisfaction. Of course, our friends tell us to move on with it but we don't. The secret to getting on with a break up is to watch your reflection slap itself in the mirror. It works eventually, on the 6th smack. Just kidding.
Bye, Felicia!
Below are other considerably amusing reasons we might decide to stay in a relationship we shouldn't be in:
1. HE OWES YOU MONEY
Lol! This literarily might be the most hilarious reason to remain in a relationship. If your almost-ex-bae is owing you money and you have no intentions of leaving without it, i completely understand. You are not alone, I've done it before. Then I had to ask my reflection...."Wait around for him to pay the debt OR Buble-Birds singing with the right guy+Lace-self-tying package." The Lace-tying was all the persuasion I needed.
2. YOU OWE HIM MONEY
This is less funny than the previous because I guess it shows you have a conscience. Some girls would bail even though they were indebted. That's really nice, however, your ovaries aren't getting any younger. It might be one of those situations when you might actually need to borrow to pay up a debt and move on out. Being trapped in a relationship because you owe is robbing yourself of time and fulfillment .
3. YOU FELL IN LOVE WITH THE IN-LAWS
It's that situation where you started dating him and then you became best friends with his sister, became healthy hair journey buddies with his cousin and favorite visitor of his gateman. Argh! The dodgiest ones have the best family, I don't know how, honestly. It's like his emotional deficit was divinely redistributed to his siblings and parents in double measure. It really makes breaking up so much more difficult! Break up with the family first in your head.....not forever though, just till everything is settled. Take time out for yourself to move on. The family should understand and respect your decision for some time off. If you realize his family remind you too much of him, I guess you have to let them go too.
4. YOUR FAMILY IS IN LOVE WITH HIM
When mum won't stop baking him cakes, cooking him banga soup and dad won't stop inviting him over to "tease his intelligent young mind" over a glass of Jack. Seriously, Dad?
Have a talk with your parents, let them know you are letting him go. They need to as well. Plus, you also eat cakes and banga and have an intelligent young mind. How about they re-direct all that to you for now?
5. SEX
This is in two parts:
a) The sex is great
"Staying with a man for sex is a great idea." See how that sounds? Enough said.
b) You invested sex and now you feel trapped
Sex is an investment but if the relationship isn't working and you feel you might lose out by walking away, let me be the first to say, you won't. Think of all the grade A sex you could have with the right husband instead of this substandard body bumping you now currently endure because you feel tied to him. Moving on would be painful but staying in a dysfunctional, retarded relationship could do more damage on the long-run.
6. HE GIVES YOU A STIPEND
If this stipend is 6-7 digits and in a currency that is on a typical foreign exchange board, well, what can I say? Refer to question at the end of reason #1. If you are to lazy to scroll back up: Wait around for your stipend OR Buble-Birds singing with the right guy+Lace-self-tying package. Entirely up to you, but just think....lace self-tying!!!!!
If it's a 2-3 digit stipend.......grunt!
7. HE BLACKMAILED YOU TO STAY WITH HIM....
........the makings of a Days of our lives episode! If he knows something about you and threatens to tell if you leave, maybe you should confide in someone and find a way to tell it to the people he's threatening to reveal your secret to. That just sounded very soap opera-ish, truly.
8. YOU DON'T WANT TO BE WITHOUT A BOYFRIEND
There are other fish in the sea and here's how to find them!
What's the most random reason you've stayed in a relationship? How do you fall out of love with the in-laws? Have you ever remained in a relationship for reason #1?
Bank of Daddy to Bank of Bae
Sometimes, I imagine my dad somewhere on an island, say old San Juan wearing a straw hat, drinking an authentic piña colada and kicking the sand into the air as he dances off into the sunset. Oh, the joy! Those high maintenance girls are gone! Now he doesn’t have to stare into those doe eyes anymore, wondering why shoes and purses cost so much; doesn't have to try to wrap his mind around the concept of weaves and why I pay so much to have them put in, even more perplexing, #teamnatural expenses; how expensive is it to let your own hair grow out of your own head?! I'm kidding my dad is awesome and has never considered my sister and I a burden, but he can't deny our high maintenance-ness. Now, we are both married and on those delightfully warm, sunny wedding days, he signed off all responsibility to our wonderful spouses. He must have chuckled discreetly at each one's beaming, ecstatic face and thought, "In time, my son, in time."
It's been over a year now that i've been off payroll for Bank of Daddy(BOD), of which daddy had been the chairman and mommy, the president of the financial reserve. For close to 30 years, BOD has found ways of investing and working to ensure that everything that I have needed and sometimes, wanted, has been provided to the best of its ability. These days, i am with Bank of Bae (BOB), where bae and I are chairman and president. Things are a little different.
For starters, we only began investing in the last one year. Needs, cravings and wants are no longer in an indistinguishable muddle. There exists now something called a priority list. Purchases are planned, bills have our names on them, which really makes me feel old, we own a printer and care about ink, we own saucers and single people don't want to be friends with us anymore (sniff). That was completely random, back to having a priority list.
I've had a couple of days when Ed and I would disagree in the store aisles over stuff we actually need. You know how we girls really really need a pretty shiny salad tosser? Or is it just me? What about all those colorful Kate Spade home decor items; those neon colored kitchen utensils, like the fuschia whisk and lime spatulas, those bedsheets with so much threadcount, it's almost like sleeping on a cloud. Uh! those towels that make me feel like I just dried myself with a sheep, and then, that clutch purse.....*eyes glazed over* and then.....*eyes twinkling* those killer-heels! All this while, I'm all over the store and Ed is looking at me like, "Umm.....rent."
Needless to say, I needed to get a grip and who likes to get a grip? Not me. I wish I knew the steps to transitioning. It's either one of two things, either you restrict yourself and acquire more financial management skills or expand to what is in Bank of Bae and acquire even MORE financial management skills. Now, your very perception of value needs to be reconfigured. Now, the strappy sandals you just bought really should be on number 9 of your priority list but it's still number 1. Now, if you want to get a Masters degree, you actually have to plan. In the past, Bank of Daddy would wire you all the money. Not any more, now you own saucers! If you don’t mentally prepare yourself before you take your vows, its very possible you’ll think you are still on pay-roll from BOD and then you make an unjustifiable purchase (the pair of killer-sandals) which puts a significant dent in BOB and then to make it worse, you kinda forgot to buy groceries. If you are lucky or in the UK or US, you'll be able to return the purchase. If you live in Italy or Nigeria, I guess you and Bae would have to eat your new shoes for dinner.
It starts with a change in our minds to downsize or expand, all with wisdom and also the decision to choose to be realistic and considerate. Little comparison can be made with the financial situation of BOD and BOB, Bank Of Daddy has like a 40-50 year head-start, it's sturdy while BOB, sometimes, is like that new bank down the road, it needs a little bit of time to take root, so some consideration and prudence from your end will do it a lot of good. If you are high-maintenance, take the knob down just a notch. In time, it all comes together. Of course, it helps if BOB allows some occasional splurging, it makes the readjustment process a little better. So hear, he-baes, your task is to help her transition easy, let her buy her cloud-bedsheets or get her the clutch that got her eyes glazed over or that random polka dot skirt that makes her happy for some reason; she's in transition. And you know what they say about people in transition.......[hehe, nothing, just get her the clutch, jo].
Have you loved on your parents recently, verbally and financially? How have you successfully transitioned from BOD to BOB? How did you figure it out?
How to avoid a "*Bleep* Better Have My Money" incident
If you have seen Rihanna's bbhmm video, you'd conclude that she is a bit much. But then again, we already knew that. Moving on. You'd also conclude that you don't want to be owing her any money. Owing the Pied Piper as well, not such a good idea . Let's face it, when you owe people money and you are constantly taking a piss, someone is going to get missing!
No one likes to talk about debt, me inclusive. In fact, my heart rate just got a little faster. I'm one of those people who can't sleep after borrowing. Lol. I see the person in my dreams and whenever I think about going window shopping on Kate Spade's website. However, let's talk about it.
Most people aren't going to show up at your doorstep, kidnap a relative of yours and ask for ransom like Badgalriri or kidnap all your children like the Pied Piper. But then again, you never know. One day, the person might just see you at the mall, clearly out of equilibrium with your new, shiny red soles and your numerous shopping bags. She watches you, stalks you a little. You go down to the food court, where you get a seat and take up 4 chairs arranging your shopping bags. Then you have a nice hearty meal of Thai Khaw Na Pet, a little duck after a long, arduous shopping session. You briefly think about the money you owe her but you just push it aside. "Next pay check", you think. All along she's watching you. Trust me, by night fall, your mum will be missing. No joke. Do not owe people money for extended periods of time and think it's ok to travel on holiday or buy a new car or eat duck. Don't. Especially the duck!
So how do you avoid an incident where Rihanna or a similarly disgruntled debtor appears at your gate and kidnaps your loved one because you owe them money? Here's how:
- Before you borrow, evaluate and ask yourself if this purchase is an absolute necessity or just a craving. If it is absolutely essential to your livelihood; like borrowing for your kid's fees or dinner or some change to get to a job interview, that might be ok. Louboutins and Kate Spade purses don't make that list
- While borrowing, be appreciative and ensure your lender that you will pay back. Make sure there is a witness to whom you are accountable. A mutual friend would do. Or make a video of your promise. Gotta love the tech-age
- Set a return date. Make sure there is a chance of return! Never borrow if you have no intentions of returning. It's more noble to you ask for a cash gift than trying to trick your lender
- Once you get an inflow of money, pay up your debt. Immediately. Like seriously, here's the order, seriously (think about BadgalRiRi...)
1) Pay your tithe
2) Pay the debt (s)
- If you haven't gotten any money by the return date, make an appointment with your lender or call them, so they know you still have it on your mind. Don't act like you forgot!
If you don't remember anything at all from this post, remember this, it is better to give than to receive from RiRi and do NOT get into debt if you don't have to. Avoid it like a plague. It's not fair to hold on to other people's sources of income, even if they are wealthy and wouldn't miss the money, pay back immediately. It only puts you in a fabulous light.
xx
Vent below :)