Experience: The "Don't-Catch-Feelings" Community
I started out dating with my “Don't Catch Feelings (DCF)” banner flapping wildly in the wind. I was young and already i had become very jaded. Let me see, did i have those proverbial romantic tummy butterflies then? I believe i did, until sprayed them all with proverbial Raid. Hehe. Anyway, i was the poster child for this ‘no feelings caught’ business. Of course, this led to a relatively dysfunctional relationship. It was like dating an ice princess. Poor guy.
I have to admit, it was a little fun. Not having to deal with drama. If he acted up, i’d just grab a pineapple-based cocktail and sail away on a raft, humming along to Harry Belafonte. I had zero time for drama, which, if you ask me is a pretty sweet deal.
Recently, the art of “Not catching feelings” has been on the rise. People are eagerly choosing to be in “relationships of convenience”, with minimal or no responsibilities, you hang around, take what you want and enjoy the sunny days and fun nights. I’ll admit it’s very handy when it comes to avoiding getting heartbroken, even though it all begins with getting heartbroken in the first place!
The psychological term associated with the 'DCF' rave is “Dissociation”. Dissociation is a coping or defense mechanism which people employ to manage, survive or hack impending or contingently difficult situations. It’s usually caused by trauma, in this case emotional trauma and the effects of dissociation is moderately mild. Psychologists, however, suggest that we are designed to connect, to build relationships and nurture them, i.e we are wired to catch feelings! Pickle, hmm?
So what to do? Stick with the desire to build relationships based on love and a deluge of emotions with a seemingly normal person or put up the walls asap? As a past DCF chairperson and wall-builder extraordinaire, what would i advice people to do?
Ideally, i should scream “Catch feelings! Fall in love!” from the top of a roof to everyone bearing the banner but i won’t. Partly because, my ice princess-pineapple cocktail-Harry Belafonte relationship mentioned above ended pretty badly just because i chose to dip my banner just a little bit for him. I thought, maybe, he might be worth leaving the DCF community for, to resurrect the tummy butterflies for, to stop drinking those cocktails for and actually work at a mature relationship with; but then *insert china breaking sound* Heart. Broken. All. Over. The. Floor.
This is where the DCF community would smack me over the head and say “Gosh, you were doing so well! WE NEVER CATCH FEELINGS, remember?” Then they’d proceed to expel me as the poster child. Lol.
After that experience, it was like i tattooed the banner all over myself. Lol. I was like a mutant with Feelings Ricocheting super-powers; harder than “the thing” and colder than “J. Frost”. I couldn’t cry, not even if i wanted to and that was the best part. Whenever any guy acted out, i grabbed two cocktails this time and sailed away.
Bye, Felix
I believe in loving completely and totally but how realistic is it to love a partner after awful heartbreaks? Do the DCF community have a point? Yes, they do; be careful who you fall for, don’t love recklessly, guard your heart. It’s too precious and the predators aren’t that hard to identify. We always see the signs!
On the other hand, loving freely and intensely must have its benefits and it does—in the right relationship with the right person.
Eventually, i retired from DCF, i met Ed and he taught me that i could have the best of both worlds—catch all the feelings that i possibly could while sailing away on a raft with a significant other, both of us drinking pineapple based cocktails and humming along to Harry Belafonte, of whom he’s a huge fan!
Sweet deal, huh?
What’s your take on “Not Catching Feelings”? It’s an old art developed in an attempt to outsmart getting hurt. Can we really outsmart getting hurt though? Do you rep DCF? Are you retired?
Related posts: The road to the DCF community; The Sunny side of your breakup; Get over him on a budget
Letters to my Greatgrand Daughter- Why You Don't Deserve to be Happy
Dear Charly,
You do not deserve to be happy. Yes, I said it! YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO BE HAPPY!
You deserve joy-the highest form of it. You should want to climb to the top of a mountain and scream in delight, just because you can. You shouldn't have to pout and sulk because you lost a job or can't find Mr. Right or be sentenced to moodiness because Mr. Kinda-Right is acting up. Joy is that sparkly ball of tickled delight that bubbles unconditionally somewhere from your mid-gut, somewhere between your large intestines and stomach.
Oh Charly, if there is a man who makes you just plain ol' happy, i hope you are beginning to see how ordinary, common and unexciting that is. Happiness is dependent on variable factors; people, money, success, jewelry, makeup (don't ask), friends. They all have one thing in common, the lack of the consistency and the permanent ability to keep you in a constant state of happiness! So if Mr. Kinda-Right or even Mr. Right makes you happy, good for him, the day he doesn't feel too giving, guess what you'll have bobbing around your intestines? Joy! Crazy, infectious joy.
True, there is a time to cry and pout, certainly, but make sure it doesn't overwhelm you to the point of hopelessness. Endeavor not to crumble under heartbreaks and disappointments. My first heartbreak was very similar to the 6th layer of Dante's description of hell. I was lost to the world, whenever I was conscious, and whenever I fell asleep I sighed in relief as I slipped into oblivion, temporarily rid of the evil and pain on the earth. Every time I saw him, it would feel like my heart had been ripped from my chest severally and there was nothing left. It was the first time I would subject my state of joy to a person; unfortunately that wouldn't be the last time. I learnt much too late to learn to keep my state of mind independent of the willful actions of other humans or expectations. How about this- You be the one who infects with this beautiful thing called joy. It requires a conscious effort and a permanent reminder that you are full of so much love and positivity that, really, it's a wonder you haven't imploded! Your joy is from within and your internal environment must always be kept in a constant state of controlled delight, let nothing have access to it.
“Joy comes when you make peace with who you are, where you are, why you are, and who you are not with. When you need nothing more than your truth and the love of a good God to bring peace, then you have settled into the abiding joy that is not rocked by relationships. It’s not rocked by anything.”
So, you see you do not deserve to be happy. Not even a little.
Love,
GreatGran x