Questions to Ask Before Getting into a Relationship || Plus Download PGI's Fun Relationship Inquiry form
Starting a new relationship is arguably the 7th best feeling in the world ("7th" is totally random, btw). You would agree with me that it's a pretty awesome feeling; the sunshine, the birds, the butterflies, the palpitating cardiac muscles. Experienced it a few times myself, and every time was just as exciting and delightful as the last. I call this stage of dating the "New Bae Fever". The law of diminishing returns doesn't set in until your 73rd New Bae Fever. That's a lot of baes! Phew! Really, on a roll with my random numbers today.
At this stage, blinded by the sunlight and confused by the butterflies, we tend to make one very common mistake; the mistake of assumptions. As human beings, we make assumptions about situations, about people, about love, about people we love. We make assumptions about these people who give us butterflies and then never make any attempt to clarify those assumptions because we don’t want our florid, made-believe imaginations about this person to be false. That, of course, is a great way to love-in-ignorance, which really is as worrisome as it sounds.
Many times oblivious lovers get smacked on the head with information their Significant Other conveniently forgot to mention, for example, undeclared children or a secret family; like that time I met Collin (not his real name) who had a family in another town and thought I might make an awesome "girlfriend" *rme* He definitely forgot to mention his family. Women are equally full of surprises, we all know that. All the She-Collins out there!
No matter how much you think you love surprises, these types really suck. So how do you avoid these awful surprises, then?
By caging the chirping birds, stilling those cardiac muscles and asking questions. Questions give answers. Answers provide data. Our minds and brains process data, and provide information. Information helps us make better decisions. Best decisions are required in love! Please don’t ever be shy to ask a question. If he/she thinks you are interrogating him/her, then he/she should go ahead and interrogate right back. We all have skeletons chilling in our closets, dying to get out. It's a trade, you have to give skeletons to know skeletons. Lol. If you decide to be with someone, ensure that you ask questions. Hopefully they tell the truth and declare their past. But don't wait around for that, make inquires, you have every right to snoop and conduct as much research as you want. The more research and questions you ask, the less likely you'd be celebrating a 73rd New Bae Fever-a-thon.
Ps: If you have a past, there’s really no need to hide, it's either this person takes all of you or not. It's only fair on them, if you are honest, and it's fair on you because you get a chance at true acceptance. Plus, honesty is sexy. It just is. Of course, a person’s past shouldn't be used to judge her future but it should be shared with someone she claims to love, so he knows what he's getting into and has the freedom to choose and make sound decisions concerning the events that could occur.
Here’s a 5 page form which was a joke initially, but really has several important questions we forget to ask people we are about to date or are currently dating. Ed and I are answering ours tonight. LOL! It should be fun. There's a printable version available at the end. Do you get shy asking questions? Any Collins or She-Collins ever swing your way?
5 Obvious Habits That Make Relationships Go Kaboom
In relationships, there are good "Kabooms" and there are bad "Kabooms". This post aims to point out 5 bad-kaboom triggers that could cause a relationship to go desperately wrong. They may seem trivial and the big deal may be questioned. However, the presence of these habits in a relationship implies that the relationship needs a little work, as do all relationships, that we may all attain the good kaboom (fireworks) *grin*
Bad Kaboom Triggers
1. Hanging up the phone
Someone recently asked me if it was OK for a person's significant other to make a habit of hanging up the phone in anger.
Yes, it is...if your significant other is 12 years old.
Adult relationships require a lot more than hanging up to prove a point or to show displeasure. The last time I hung up on someone was a while back but still I'm sure Elmo was disappointed.
Action: If you can't deal with the conversation at that moment, simply state that you are upset, would need some alone-timeand excuse yourself.
2. Cussing out (privately or publicly)
Except cussing out is a huge turn-on or a value-adding activity for a couple, it's probably best not to. Berating your significant other, in front of other people isn't cool at all. It shows a lack of respect and drops you down everyone's hangout list. "Not inviting those guys to dinner anytime soon."
Action: Get on everyone's guest list by postponing the resolution of your misunderstanding to a later time when you are both alone.
3. Talking about your problems to other people
Here's the gist and I hope you'll agree: Anyone who will not be present after the disagreement, at the "make-up make-out" session should not be involved in any step of the disagreement either. Third parties shouldn't be in your relationship's business, neither should you run to them when stuff gets weird.
Action: Talk to the only other people involved in this spat- God and your partner
4. Running to mummy every time something goes wrong
My mum also believes in the 'make-up make-out' rule. Why run to mum when mum has her own make-out schedule to keep?! Figure it out, child!
5. Not listening
This is not the same as zoning out, although they have the same results. Not listening doesn't mean you aren't present mentally during the conversation but it means you aren't reading between the lines and trying to understand what S.O is saying. Half of the things we try to say never get said. They instead come out in weird blurts and verbal squirts that convey less meaning than they actually imply.
Paying rapt attention to S.O and understanding what's being said helps the quality of a relationship a lot! I've come to notice that on the days I pay attention to what Ed is really saying, I almost always get a "I'm so good at decoding and decrypting, I should be employed by the CIA" feeling!
Action: Read between the lines.
What are your thoughts on this topic? Are there times that it's absolutely necessary to talk to someone about relationship problems? Are there any more habits you think could make relationships go wrong?
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How to Give CPR to a Dead Relationship
A few weeks ago, Mhis Kemi O, a reader of ours, requested I write a post on "giving CPR" to dead relationships. Lol. Perfect title. This post is generic enough to be applied to romantic relationships, friendships and even our intense love affair with Jesus, our Lord-Home-boy. I really hope it helps.
Relationship flames go from fiery red to uncertain ember glows for various reasons; busy schedules, the distraction of new interests, loss or strain of communication. It could also be caused by misunderstandings or grudges. Whatever it is, sometimes, we come to a place where we truly miss our friend and the old times; the sparkle and laughter and we want it back!
The resuscitation and survival of relationships is to a large extent, hinged on communication. In essence, communication is the first thing to be fixed when giving CPR to a dead relationship. God bless social media and silicon valley, which have made it a little too easy to communicate these days. All you have to do is pick up the phone, slide into his/her DM or tweet at your friend or make a plain ol' call.
However, it’s understandable that the first step to resuscitation is usually the hardest. Just do what I do; type a message and walk away from your phone. If a response comes, great! Otherwise, ‘not great’, we’ll have to find an alternate way to get across.
Messages like “We need to talk” or “Call me when you can”, may cause the person to get anxious or defensive, considering you’ve been MIA for a while. Can you blame them, really?
This might be a better approach to a message, “Hi, *insert name*, i hope you are well. You’ve been on my mind for a while now, please let’s catch up soon.” And then follow up with an actual “catch up soon” act such as a call or a lunch date.**
Listed below are five action-points to consider while reactivating your relationship:
1. Show genuine interest
Finally you have a set date to hang out once again as friends! You both sit down and begin to catch up, next thing, your phone lights up on the table. "K-daddy retweeted your tweet". You pick up your phone and zone out and forget your friend exists (again). Show genuine interest in your friend (or partner). Give them the gift of your attention.
2. Bribe(grin)
A little gift goes a long way. It doesn't have to be a yacht, just something of value and that rings true that you remember their interests and favorite things.
3. Talk about the death of the relationship
This isn't necessarily confrontation. Discuss what went wrong and what can be done better this time around. If there's any need for forgiveness then do it on the spot!
4. Do throw-backs
Remember the good times! You and this friend must have had a few good times and laughs, so bring them back to the present. Talk about your adventures, your epic failures, your shared interests and joy-evoking moments you've shared.
5. Celebrate the resurrection
I don't know about you but anything that comes back alive to a functional, active existence is a bit of a big deal and deserves a toast!
Go out together and celebrate. If it’s your thing, praise your newly burnished relationship on social media.
It helps if your resurrecting-intents are reciprocated. I must say though, that some relationships are worth preserving or reviving and others, not so much.
I guess you have to figure out if you should revive the relationship, you know what they say about sleeping dogs lying and all. Some sleeping dog-relationships should be tucked in with a pillow and blanket and paralyzed for good.
**If it’s a spouse, a weekend away does wonders!
Do you have any Dead relationship CPR-giving tips or experience? Please share below with us and Mhis Kemi O! Thanks!
Foregone
Fiction
It is abominable, that which I do.
But I hurry to it anyway.
I follow the stream by the white light of the moon, stilling myself at every sound of crunching leaves or rustling bushes. I have wrapped myself in the darkest Ankara, on top of it, is my father’s hunting tunic, darker than night. I have smeared his tobacco and spice behind my ears to ward off any strangers or their dogs.
A traveling stranger is less interesting if she smells of tobacco and roots, than of hibiscus and lemons.
In my hand, is my shepherd’s crook. It whacks and chokes, whether it be sheep or person.
This is no man's land, distant from mother's watchful eye. Any assailant would be out of range of father’s arrow.
Now well into the forest, I hear the faint roar of the waters and my heart races. Quickly, I begin to climb the hill.
It is dark but I know where to place my feet, where to grip and brace, where to heave and lift. The darkness amplifies the thunder of the rushing waterfall of Arè. It surrounds, it terrifies. It is enough to fail a heart.
I remove my sandals and wade into the river, she welcomes me and draws me in along the current. I hold unto familiar stones, slippery and some tufty with growth, my feet find ground on the sandy bed. I feel for the rocks and climb out into a cave.
At last.
He is there waiting.
He rises to his feet. My heart thumps, my belly flutters.
Tórę..