How to Relate with People with Walls (Hello, Jericho)
Ever so often, we run into people I call "Wallies"- people with walls; walls around their hearts, minds and thoughts and we try to be the valiant knights that blow those walls in with a canon ball.
Before you get all bombs-away on a "Wallie", remember that no one is born with walls. Walls are built from trauma resulting from bad experiences.
I used to be a Wallie and it was a means of providing the security I wanted for myself. Of course, my first line of defense was a permanent scowl, which worked quite nicely, until I met people who didn't care whether I scowled or not, they intended to talk to me anyway! *side glance*
Most walls are unconsciously built, while others are consciously built in a deliberate attempt to keep their internal environment controlled, I believe I was in both categories. I was so good at this wall-business that if anyone tried to reach into my space and obstruct my building process, I'd splatter some cement on their arm and build them along the wall. Hehe. Was it fun? Yeah! Was it lonely within those walls? Yeah, sometimes.
I remember meeting this Wallie, who I really wanted to be friends with but she had like a Jericho-type situation going on, and honestly, I wasn’t prepared to put in that much work or circle her walls 7 times till they fell down flat. I had hoped she would come out at her own time but she never did, plus, I had my own walls too. Two weird Wallies. Tsk.
By the time my walls crumbled, and I came to discover the world outside my walls, which was filled with opportunities to be sensitive to other people and their needs and to do good, she was gone.
From being a Wallie, I learnt to respect other people’s experiences by trying not to scale their walls unless I was invited. I also taught myself to put in a little more effort with other Wallies and retired Wallies!
It’s usually a good idea to respect the walls others have and not feel the need to draw them out by their hair, screaming. One day, on their own watch, they will step out or let you in, if you wait around.
What do you think about this? Are there times you think walls should be blown apart? If you have walls, what does it take for you let people in? I'd really love to hear your thoughts.
Have you read this post from our "Dating like Crazy" series? Our writer talks about dating with walls after a traumatic experience.
My Marvelous Eight. For Tosin Famakinwa (nee Phillips)
A year ago, Tosin went to hang with Jesus. I can't imagine what they do all day but I know he watches over her, I know he can't get over her dimples and I have a feeling they are probably playing Elewenjewe as we speak.
Here's a piece I wrote a year ago when she left:
June 16, 2015
Yesterday, I stared glassy eyed at the barista as he made my hot chocolate. My throat was itchy and i knew I was going to cry if he said anything to me, however casual. He smiled at me and said something which my brain failed to acknowledge. Then he repeated it. Then he repeated it again. I couldn’t hear him, I couldn’t see him, my tears brimmed and clouded my vision and my sunglasses didn’t help either. Then his forehead creased and he asked, “Are you ok?”, clearly concerned. I smiled back at him and half nodded, half shook my head. Then the tears came.
I’m not always this emotional at the very sight of hot chocolate. You see, recently, I lost someone with whom I built thousands of childhood memories. She was very spirited. Very. I remember her little arms flaying and wrapping around me and shoving me through her front door, enthusiastic about what she had planned for the day—whatever it was 8 year-olds have planned for the day. Lol.
Her cheeks dimpled eagerly and always preceded her smile. It was almost like those adorable cheek pits were the warning that announced her wide toothy smile. Her face just plain lit up. It was contagious, that smile.
Whenever I saw her dad’s white car from my window, i’d run down the stairs bounding over three-at-a-time, out the door, up the drive way, out the gate and into her wide arms and then we’d dance around, like the silly kids we were. It was a wonderful period of my life and all I remember is a lot of sunshine and squeals. We were 8 year-old's and if you had the opportunity of a pleasant friend at 8, you'd know what I mean.
I’m pretty sure most Saturdays of my 8th and 9th year were spent with her. Now trying to remember what we spent our Saturdays doing; we played FLAMES!!!!! Who remembers that? You'd write your name above and the name of a boy beneath and cross out the letters you had in common, whatever was left was used to know your romantic situation. Lol! She taught me to always add the middle name, it made the experiment more weighty. Lol! Then, we played Name-Place-Animal-Thing. Yes, we were intellectual 8 year-old's. It was about paper, pens and text for us, albeit unscholarly. Then we'd play Life or Monopoly or Elewenjewe*! Then eat! She was a great foodie. It takes a certain kind of person to genuinely appreciate every bite of her meal; every flavor, individual and blended. Then we'd read a couple of Sweet valleys or Enid Blyton's.
I would laugh at her scrawny writing and the precision with which she'd etch each curve and stick, like each word was a work of art that would earn an approving nod from Monet. She would laugh at the fact that I called a television— Telly. She was funny and vibrant, she had a good heart and you could see it from a mile. I haven't seen her in a while but I remember her heart and that's good enough for my memories.
Then one day, just a couple of days back, she left. She just left. I'm not going to whine about how she didn't say bye or how this is goodbye or isn’t. I am honored to have shared my pure, formative years with you,Tosin. In heaven, we'd chill by the Fanta Chapman river and play Life again or cards. #teamelewenjewe. Lol.
I love you, Tosin.
Thank you for painting "8" irrevocably marvelous.
Tosin always wanted to be a lawyer, and I agreed with her on her choice of vocation because she always had an opinion and had quite the mouth on her. Lol! She wrote a blog called www.lawataclick.com , which was relaunched recently! Weee! I've been on the blog since yesterday, it's like Law for Dummies! Love it.
How to Give CPR to a Dead Relationship
A few weeks ago, Mhis Kemi O, a reader of ours, requested I write a post on "giving CPR" to dead relationships. Lol. Perfect title. This post is generic enough to be applied to romantic relationships, friendships and even our intense love affair with Jesus, our Lord-Home-boy. I really hope it helps.
Relationship flames go from fiery red to uncertain ember glows for various reasons; busy schedules, the distraction of new interests, loss or strain of communication. It could also be caused by misunderstandings or grudges. Whatever it is, sometimes, we come to a place where we truly miss our friend and the old times; the sparkle and laughter and we want it back!
The resuscitation and survival of relationships is to a large extent, hinged on communication. In essence, communication is the first thing to be fixed when giving CPR to a dead relationship. God bless social media and silicon valley, which have made it a little too easy to communicate these days. All you have to do is pick up the phone, slide into his/her DM or tweet at your friend or make a plain ol' call.
However, it’s understandable that the first step to resuscitation is usually the hardest. Just do what I do; type a message and walk away from your phone. If a response comes, great! Otherwise, ‘not great’, we’ll have to find an alternate way to get across.
Messages like “We need to talk” or “Call me when you can”, may cause the person to get anxious or defensive, considering you’ve been MIA for a while. Can you blame them, really?
This might be a better approach to a message, “Hi, *insert name*, i hope you are well. You’ve been on my mind for a while now, please let’s catch up soon.” And then follow up with an actual “catch up soon” act such as a call or a lunch date.**
Listed below are five action-points to consider while reactivating your relationship:
1. Show genuine interest
Finally you have a set date to hang out once again as friends! You both sit down and begin to catch up, next thing, your phone lights up on the table. "K-daddy retweeted your tweet". You pick up your phone and zone out and forget your friend exists (again). Show genuine interest in your friend (or partner). Give them the gift of your attention.
2. Bribe(grin)
A little gift goes a long way. It doesn't have to be a yacht, just something of value and that rings true that you remember their interests and favorite things.
3. Talk about the death of the relationship
This isn't necessarily confrontation. Discuss what went wrong and what can be done better this time around. If there's any need for forgiveness then do it on the spot!
4. Do throw-backs
Remember the good times! You and this friend must have had a few good times and laughs, so bring them back to the present. Talk about your adventures, your epic failures, your shared interests and joy-evoking moments you've shared.
5. Celebrate the resurrection
I don't know about you but anything that comes back alive to a functional, active existence is a bit of a big deal and deserves a toast!
Go out together and celebrate. If it’s your thing, praise your newly burnished relationship on social media.
It helps if your resurrecting-intents are reciprocated. I must say though, that some relationships are worth preserving or reviving and others, not so much.
I guess you have to figure out if you should revive the relationship, you know what they say about sleeping dogs lying and all. Some sleeping dog-relationships should be tucked in with a pillow and blanket and paralyzed for good.
**If it’s a spouse, a weekend away does wonders!
Do you have any Dead relationship CPR-giving tips or experience? Please share below with us and Mhis Kemi O! Thanks!
Love Your Frenemies!
In the entire history of mankind, till present, no one rocks the "Frenemy" jersey like Judas Iscariot. He was a seasoned hater, a hypocrite and a very proactive enemy. Only recently, I realized that he went out, voluntarily, to the Pharisees to inquire how he might assist in their efforts to arrest Jesus! Lol. He actually got up from his meal of lamb chops and olives with a side of coleslaw and walked to find ways to resourcefully betray his friend- if that isn't proactive, I don't know what is!
I personally found him interesting because he was always with Jesus, through the miracles and the walking on water, feeding the five thousand and raising dead people; through everything! Why couldn't he just be happy for his friend? Why was he so bitter and weird? Why did he voluntarily snitch on his friend?!
His dedication to this betrayal, is one of the most mysterious stories in the bible; actually, come to think of it, maybe not, because we already know haters gon' hate. Still, it's bothersome that he took this "frenemy" business so serious and in my personal opinion, a little too far. He was so resolute and active about it. Why? Well, because it was his destiny. Simply put. Judas was designed to accomplish something in the life of his friend, something that the whole of mankind kind of depends on, even till this day! Judas was part of the big plan! Frenemies are part of the big plan in your life (most times, anyway!)
While I know frenemies are a pain in the tush, they are actually there for a reason. My default statement usually would be "shake that hater loose" or "be rid of that backbiting frenemy" but what if we stop and ponder; what if our frenemy actually had a purpose in our lives?
Dying for mankind was Jesus' life's goal and a frenemy played such a huge part! Jesus, kind of embraced the role of Judas in his life! In fact, one day, during diner, Jesus looks at Judas, straight in the eye and tells him point blank that he needs to get on with whatever he's supposed to do. He's urging him to stab him in the back! It's beyond me, this story. Lol!
I guess frenemies do have a function then!
Did you know that frenemies are known to improve productivity and attain accomplishments in our lives? Science proves it. Wouldn't it be great to put our frenemies to good use and see what comes out of the relationship?
We should ask God for guidance and grace to deal with frenemies and then, when their task is done, ask him nicely, that they please get lost.
What are your thoughts?
Nigerian Girl in the Alps: How to Enjoy your Unplanned Planned Trip
How rarely do the words "Nigerian" and "Alps" appear together in the same sentence. We Nigerians just aren't about that life, myself most of all!
One bright, sunny day in Geneva, my friend Emily suggested we spend the weekend in a little Swiss town known as Interlaken, spend the night in a hostel, take a train to Grindewald, where we would hike up Jungfrau, one of the 3 summits of the Bernese Alps. As Emily is making this suggestion, immediately of course, my Nigerian self is mentally and violently shaking her head, but we snubbed her and booked those tickets anyway, baby!
It was a very exhilarating experience; first time sleeping in a hostel with complete strangers, ascending over 12,000 feet above sea-level (note: Ibadan, the town i grew up in is about 300 feet above sea-level) but hey, life is about taking chances and setting fire to your comfort zone, aye?!
Here are 6 ways to enjoy your next unplanned planned trip!
1. The obvious; Travel prepared!
Hey Socks, meet face!
Saying I wasn't prepared would have been an understatement. True, the trip wasn't really in my plans but i did have enough time to prepare. We went up over 12,000 feet and i had forgotten my gloves back in Geneva! I can't begin to describe how my hands felt. Ok, I can- I felt like i was in 'The Revenant'. Emily gave me her spare socks as gloves anyway, which saved my soul and my fingers.
2. Get creative with your memorabilia and photos
(Ed = Samuel btw)
Sometimes, the spontaneity of unplanned trips gets your creative juices flowing, especially when you are on a tight budget and you can't go wild buying souvenir chocolates and fridge magnets. So i had bought a coke with Ed's name on it and since it was in my bag, took this photo! He loved it! We still have that Coke, it's 2 years old next month! Smh.
3. Take it all in!
About 16 times, I considered ditching my city life and moving here; i'd buy a cow, throw my phone away and open up an African restaurant with a cheese themed menu. There's something about mountains- the solitude and tranquility connects you with something unseen. I totally get why Moses and the others kept climbing mountains to hang with God. New respect, Mo.
4. Travel with friends!
The best trips are with friends! All those embarrassing memories.......... someone has to remember them at your wedding! I got a mild panic attack like halfway up. I was on relatively flat ground but i thought i was falling off....it's complicated. When you try this, let me know how it went. Lol.
5. Travel with friends with geographical acumen lol!
I still get lost on my street here at home, so it shouldn't come as a surprise that I got lost up in those mountains. If Emily wasn't there, my #3 cow-cheese African life would have unraveled immediately. Cheese-egusi. anyone?
6. Get goofy
It's your vacay, so do whatever brings you joy. Don't be afraid to get a little goofy, no one is going to see you again anyway. At least, i know no one will be seeing me on Jungfrau for eternity. Back in my comfort zone, on level ground.
Sock Salut! The backdrop though 👀😍
Any out-of-your-comfort zone adventures recently? Time to populate that bucket list!
Feb-o-mania! Catch the Bug
Welcome to February! Remember 31 days ago, when we were estatic about January, well, clearly we are over that now! Sayonara, January! February is here, the month of heightened flirtations, torrid redezvous, weirdly shaped candies and all that good stuff!
However, before we get carried away with February's red-panic and the crazy frenzy, we need to start off the right way......I'm going to ask you a question which you are required to answer, a question you probably weren't expecting me to ask; a question you would be glad I'm not there to ask you in person because it would be weird, the air would get heavy and we'd both be very uncomfortable. Ok, are you ready? Here goes..........
'Do you love me?'
I'd appreciate if you answer honestly and out loud.
Just in case you didn't know, you ARE supposed to love me, just like you love yourself, but then you already knew that. It's the greatest power that ever will be, not to mention the most difficult and the most unnatural human trait. Love is a higher become-a-better-me kinda calling but it's worth it in the end because it always protects you!
It makes us immune to evil, it protects our minds from getting easily hurt and jaded. It keeps us sane and helps us get through the most tumultuous of situations.
However, most of us know love in theory but fail in its practicals. We fail to actively, creatively and intentionally love the people in our lives the way we should.
So, since I'm the largest culprit of all (guilty face and rosy cheeks), here's what I'm doing for the whole month, I'm taking my phone contacts, starting from the first person with the name beginning with "A" and I'm finding ways to love everyone uniquely. I'm calling it the Feb-o-mania! Love is not a one-size-fits-all, it's deliberate and tailored. Let's love, just as such.
Have a great February ahead.....and don't think I didn't hear you mumbling "Yes" to that question. **Blush** I love you too!
Feb-o-mania plans? Share! How would you show you love to friends and family? What do they appreciate the most? How does this fit into your love techniques for them?
PGI's January Girl - Joko
I met Joko 6 years ago within the walls of NYSC Lagos orientation camp, Iyana Ipaja. Of course, we spent all free our time in Mammy market, eating indomie and drinking Berry blast on those hot, lazy harmattan afternoons and at night we nibbled pancakes or skewered suya with Milo (little wonder we got fat in camp LOL!). Who says serving the country is not fun?
Anyway, i met this bubbly, fun girl who was an entrepreneur and had mentioned this fact in the first 5 minutes of us meeting. Entrepreneurs my age, 6 years ago, were pretty rare, so i uuuuuuh-ed and aaaaaaah-ed in wonder, in my head. Also, much to my amazement, she had brought along with her to Ipaja, her newly printed business cards, which she handed out to anyone who cared to receive them. For the first time, i was observing a real business owner first hand, networking and actively building a business! It was thrilling and inspiring. She was completely oblivious to the effect she had on me but I think she might have sowed a crazy entrepreneurial seed in me that day. It has been more than a delight seeing her business grow and her passion and hard work payoff over the years.
Jokotade Omojirade Shonowo is the girl behind the renowned PoshClick Portraiture and this exceptionally talented business woman is PGI’s January Girl! She has a Bachelors degree in Microbiology from Olabisi Onabanjo University and made a career change to photography in 2010!
Ok, time to hang with Joko! And we are going straight to the point of this post with the first question!
Joko................Gala or plantain chips?
Plantain Chips
(You can tell a lot about a person from the answer to that question)
How long have you been a professional photographer?
About 6 years now
How did you know this was what you wanted to be and how did you make the career transition?
It wasn't cast in stone from day 1 but I definitely had an unwavering passion for photography and I pursued it against the odds.
I pretty much started photography actively during my service year in 2010 whilst serving at Recreate Consult as the Client Service Representative.
What was the model of your first camera?
Canon 400D
[Thief: Your camera or your phone?
Joko: ?]
My Phone.... In fact, none😂😂😂
Your favorite Photography mentors or blogs?
Ty Bello , Sue Bryce , Elizabeth Messina and Susan Stripling
Where is your favorite place to visit?
Seychelles
Is PoshClick like your second baby?
PoshClick is actually my first baby but of course it had to move over for Demilicious to assume her rightful position.
How many photos of Demi do you have? Rough estimate
Over 5,000
Is she ever there while you work?
Yes, sometimes. In fact, she went with me to a product shoot last week and was extremely good. She’s mummy's little helper😘😘😘
What are your hours like?
I have 20 hour-work-days. I'm a walking zombie sometimes.
How do you get yourself out of bed after a long night working?
I would rather sleep in but the only thing that drags me out of bed after a long work night is a DEADLINE.
What do you love the most about your job?
Finding beauty through my lenses
9 pm, Thursday night what are you doing?
Spending time with family
What was the last item you bought ?
Cod Liver Oil - Orange Flavour
What do you sing in the shower?
Nothing- I’m always quiet, I strategize in the shower
Lagos traffic survival kit?
Good Music/ Good Company , Gum and Water
4 THINGS I LEARNT
1. Do what you love and Network! Even Iyana ipaja NYSC camp is a great networking platform. Who knew?!
2. Set deadlines for yourself and sometimes, be quiet in the shower (Note to Self, Ike!)
3. Follow your Dreams, even as a mum!
4. Orange flavored cod-liver oil exists, i can’t even begin to ask whose idea that was
Thank you so much, Jokotade, for being PGI's January Girl!!! Love you loads!
PoshClick Portraiture:
Phone: +2348023655153
Instagram @poshclick
PGI loves to honor everyday people who inspire. The great news is, we are all capable of inspiring! Do you know someone who inspires? Click here and share with us!
The Friendship Challenge!
Friends love through all kinds of weather ❄️ ☀️🌨⛈🌪 ⚡️💨☔️
To all my friends, old and new, 2016 is that year you have NOT been waiting for! I'm on a become-a-better-friend campaign and so I guess I'll be in your faces very much this year.
*Intermission*
Every time I post something like this, I get tried and tested immediately! I feel like there are some mystical blog deities that just send me bouts of trials, mandating that i practice what i preach the moment I publish stuff that is targeted at improving lifestyles. Anyway, i'll have another accountability post soon!
*End intermission*
Where was I? I'm trying to be a better friend and family member. 2016 is that year when I will be in your face, call you at odd hours, make awkward video calls, put up photos of us riding on camels in Dubai, throw back on Thursdays with you (beware of old unflattering photos on instagram).
P.s I have never been to Dubai, friends, 2016 is the year of Dubai! Let's buy tickets and fulfill this camel-riding photo dream!
So a quick glance on how to improve my friend status this year....
According to the Stanford Encyclopedia, friendship is built on 3 main platforms:
1. Concern: Reciprocated concern actually, not just regular concern; and according to Aristotle, spending time with your friends, wanting the best for and doing good to them is pretty pivotal to healthy friendships. Err...so no envying or being too busy or ignoring calls *blink*
2. Intimacy: Sharing experiences and information that build trust which also implies that we must avoid anything that would weaken the trust so painstakingly built e.g gossip
3. Shared activity: I need to find creative, fun activities to do with you guys! This is where Dubai comes in! *Grin*
I'm so excited about this and I know what you're thinking, my friends.....I forgive you in advance for ignoring my calls.
Becoming a better friend this year? Yup or Nah-ah?
Friendship-themed Give-Away coming up soon!
