Real Stories #1 : Heartbreak and Bathroom Tiles
Part 1 : Fairy Tales
I had always been a relationship-type of girl. I don’t think I could go two months without having a boyfriend.
Not that I couldn’t be on my own, I was just a hopeless romantic and I “fairy-taled" all my boyfriends, (yes, even the drug-dealing one), until I met my own version of a Universal demon, forget Yoruba now.
He was a grade A Universal demon.
Tunde* was everything I wished for, a good-looking, well-mannered Christian. He was great at his job, could make me laugh for days, and we just clicked.
It wasn’t long before he told me he loved me, and boy, did I sleep with a huge grin and butterflies flipping my insides out with joy that night.
Now usually in relationships, I try not to get too attached, especially with family members. In fact, I avoid family members just so it’s easier to let go if things go south, that way no extra emotional drama pops up.
With Tunde, I was all in. I met the folks after about 2 months of dating him, then his siblings. They were so welcoming and when a deeply traditional family accepts you (especially the mum and sister); you have crossed the rainbow bridge of judgement (phew!). His family loved me, and I slowly warmed up to them. We went on family trips and dates together, his mum was fantastic and treated me like her last-born!
A year later, we were both over-seas for postgrad and we were in a long distance relationship. We worked really hard at the relationship. LDR wasn’t going to kill what we had. We spoke all the time, we tried to see each other every other month, or 2 months.
At the end of my program, I submitted my thesis and I decided to move to his city and be closer to him, while I hunted for a job.
One night, I get a call from my friend. She was crying and terrified that she had gotten an STD from her boyfriend, who clearly wasn’t faithful to her. I was on the phone with her for an hour. Tunde was with me and heard the context of the conversation.
I get off the phone and go on a rant about how every Naija guy wants a good girl, but they get one and can’t even treat the girl right. I’m so pissed off. I’m ranting and he just keeps looking at me, calming me down. He leaves for a minute, then comes back and tells me to sit down.
Much calmer now, I sit and I’m waiting for what he has to say. He looks at me and says ‘I need to tell you something.’ My heart sinks, but I don’t let it show.
What’s happening?
My heart starts racing, the 6 words usher in confusion and I’m on a guessing marathon of all the things that it might be. He starts talking and I hear those 4 magical words. No, not “Will you marry me?”
Instead he says, “I cheated on you”…… then everything just sort of goes blank. He keeps talking and I cut in, “Is she pregnant?” I ask.
“Yes.”
Part 2: Bathroom Tiles
I’m on the bathroom floor, locked in, in shock, numb, can’t move, at 11pm on a cold winter night and then the tears start. They start and won’t stop.I can’t even remember what I was feeling then, but I must have cried for hours, staring at the white tiles.
According to his story, his story, because that’s all it will ever be, this happened 6 months ago and it happened once. 6 months ago I was writing my final papers, practically sleeping in the library, strung up on coffee and you were screwing some girl you met at the gym, just great.
I leave the next morning, but I leave a completely different person.
I don’t think people who cheat realize how damaging it is. I think the worst thing about being cheated on for me was the shame. The shame to your friends, the shame of not noticing it, the shame of believing in a lie but mostly, the shame to yourself. It destroys you emotionally, eats at your self-esteem and your psyche.
I went through so many thoughts and yoyo- emotions from maybe I wasn’t good enough, maybe I wasn’t great in bed, maybe I became boring, maybe I should have been less this or more that. The “maybes”, “whys” and “what if’s” keep you awake at night wondering why Ursula (no jokes, she looked like Ursula from the Little Mermaid) could even be attractive to him and how many Ursula’s there were, which germs did he give you from the Ursula(s).
The family detachment was hard as well, he is their son after all, so they have to stand by him (see why I don’t do the family thing). Just a toxic mess of my fairytale.
Flash-forward to now, I look around me and see even worse happening to people. My story is child’s play compared to what some people go through.
When I ask people why they cheat, there never seems to be a reasonable answer…. Ever.
It’s still a mystery, the cheating thing… like isn’t it better to break up with the person and be free to bed hop. Some people told me to stay and forgive him, “Is it just ordinary cheating that is making you break up!” They said, “The fact that he told you himself means he is sorry.” Lol, society is fun!
Of course, I left him for good.
Dating after being cheated on, is fun too *dry chuckle*. My walls are so high that even when I like the person, I hold back. I found that guys don’t really have the patience to understand that it takes some effort to get me from behind my walls, they just move on at the slightest resistance.
I can’t blame them really, this isn’t “The Notebook”.
And while I still haven’t figured out what I am going to do about my love life, I’ve learnt to trust in God to bring the right person my way, its been almost 4 years now, fingers crossed he hasn’t been hit by a truck.
*not his real name
Disclaimer: This article was written by an anonymous contributor. Her views and opinions are entirely hers and do not necessarily reflect the views of PGI on this topic.
This is story #1 of the Dating Like Crazy series. Please note that this is a real story, please comment kindly. Thanks.
Useful posts: Get over him on a budget; The sunny-side of your breakup; How to find 'X'.
Love Your Frenemies!
In the entire history of mankind, till present, no one rocks the "Frenemy" jersey like Judas Iscariot. He was a seasoned hater, a hypocrite and a very proactive enemy. Only recently, I realized that he went out, voluntarily, to the Pharisees to inquire how he might assist in their efforts to arrest Jesus! Lol. He actually got up from his meal of lamb chops and olives with a side of coleslaw and walked to find ways to resourcefully betray his friend- if that isn't proactive, I don't know what is!
I personally found him interesting because he was always with Jesus, through the miracles and the walking on water, feeding the five thousand and raising dead people; through everything! Why couldn't he just be happy for his friend? Why was he so bitter and weird? Why did he voluntarily snitch on his friend?!
His dedication to this betrayal, is one of the most mysterious stories in the bible; actually, come to think of it, maybe not, because we already know haters gon' hate. Still, it's bothersome that he took this "frenemy" business so serious and in my personal opinion, a little too far. He was so resolute and active about it. Why? Well, because it was his destiny. Simply put. Judas was designed to accomplish something in the life of his friend, something that the whole of mankind kind of depends on, even till this day! Judas was part of the big plan! Frenemies are part of the big plan in your life (most times, anyway!)
While I know frenemies are a pain in the tush, they are actually there for a reason. My default statement usually would be "shake that hater loose" or "be rid of that backbiting frenemy" but what if we stop and ponder; what if our frenemy actually had a purpose in our lives?
Dying for mankind was Jesus' life's goal and a frenemy played such a huge part! Jesus, kind of embraced the role of Judas in his life! In fact, one day, during diner, Jesus looks at Judas, straight in the eye and tells him point blank that he needs to get on with whatever he's supposed to do. He's urging him to stab him in the back! It's beyond me, this story. Lol!
I guess frenemies do have a function then!
Did you know that frenemies are known to improve productivity and attain accomplishments in our lives? Science proves it. Wouldn't it be great to put our frenemies to good use and see what comes out of the relationship?
We should ask God for guidance and grace to deal with frenemies and then, when their task is done, ask him nicely, that they please get lost.
What are your thoughts?
Channel your Inner Freak!
As a retired control freak, I can safely say that the day I retired was probably the best day of my life. Suddenly, i felt less responsible for other peoples’ errors (which were not even my business in the first place); I was at peace and my opinions were safely back in their home where they belonged, behind my shut mouth!
I loved to control events, decisions and situations. I must have mentally ripped the serenity prayer in to shreds a million times like, "What are these ones talking about?!" I remember once trying to will a crying baby silent with a stare on a 6-hour flight. I wasn't very successful. Lol.
Most ambitious of all, i tried to control God and how he spoke to me; “Please speak to me, God, but not in a loud voice or in any scary appearance. Let it be mellow. Also, i’d prefer if i’m not alone or in the dark. NO burning bushes or angels appearing out of thin air hollering “Fear not”, when they know i’d be terrified!”
Then one day, I stopped. I figured it was becoming uncontrollable, this need for control, which was one more thing out of wack. How could a control-freak have an uncontrollable vice? A vice that surfaced frequently, often suddenly and unbridled by any restraints and often resulted in frustrations because the situations were beyond my control and not my jurisdiction anyway! So I decided to step back, examine and let go. Best. Decision. Ever.
Being a control freak impacts your relationships, your faith, your business, your health, your sleep, your mood, your sleep; it's just an all round disaster. I know i said 'sleep' twice.
The most important type of control- the one we should all be scampering to acquire, really is self-control. My 'Self' just gave me the side eye because it knows it's true. Self is the most untamed entity in all existence and trying to control it is another script entirely. Imagine developing the will-power-muscle not to retort when someone is being less reasonable; not hitting snooze when the alarm goes off; walking away from that chocolate fountain; not chipping in on gossip; not overspending; running an extra mile; eating healthy; not being glued to your phone all day. Self-control is difficult but it's really what we should be imbibing instead of trying to take over the world. It's the path to mastering your soul, spirit, intellect, will, emotions, conscience, body, decisions; and who doesn't want that?!
So now, i am a self-control freak, channeling all that energy within, much to the delight of a thousand babies air-borne and to the annoyance of my 'Self'. Yeah, whatever, Self.
Have you any control freak experiences? Are you retired or still in play?
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