Real Stories #5: This Modern Princess and her Frog
I think the best part about dating is the chase! Who's with me on that? That period when he promises you everything, anything, his heart, his life, his grandma's ring and his grandma too. I love the butterflies I get in my tummy and the way my heart slams in my chest. It's amusing how much effort guys put into it. It does a lot for a girl's self-esteem and honestly I wish I could have had more "chases".
If I could send a text to my teenage self, I'd say, "Date A lot, you sexy thing! xxx". I've dated 3 guys in my life and I wish I had put myself out there a bit more, to improve my romantic repertoire! Lol! I am not saying one should date 10 guys or something, but put yourself out there, nonetheless!
Let's rephrase, put yourself out there, but don't kiss too many frogs either! My first frog was at 17. First and worst kissing experience ever. Ever. Ever. I know, 17 years-old is like grandma-old in make-out world.
Anyway, back to the first frog kiss. I was standing there, kissing this guy, whom I had no feelings for, with his tongue down my throat, literally! I almost gagged but I politely held on for about 10 minutes. Then the boob-squeezing began and he also started to breathe heavily for some reason. I decided at that point that it was enough and pushed him off. When I was finally alone, I remember taking off my clothes and taking a long bath. I wouldn't stop crying. Of course, I also brushed my teeth.
After that, I was done with everything; guys, kissing, frogs and boobs. Little did I know, that I would be madly in love with someone a while later. When we kissed, it felt like I was on bubbles. It was perfect. It was Heaven. Perfect heavenly bubbles. Then at some point, it all went south because we realized we wanted different things. He was very intensely "testing the waters" and thought I'd be fine with it.
Dating has taught me a few things, (1) don't settle; (2) don't be fine with a guy who "tests waters" when you are in his life, (3) don't dabble into things that have no future and of course, (4) kiss only the frogs who you have feelings for, otherwise, you'd just be kissing a random frog and we all know that's yucky.
This is story #5 of the "Dating Like Crazy" series (read #4, #3, #2 and #1 ). This article was written by an anonymous contributor. Her views and opinions are entirely hers and do not necessarily reflect the views of PGI on this topic.Please note that this is a real story, please comment kindly. Thanks.
My 7-year old nephew is visiting and he has been loitering around me because he saw the title! Lol! This is not the fairytale you think it is, I've told him but he doesn't believe. He reads quite impressively too.
My Tunic of Many Colors by Ed-John
Since the start of this summer, I've walked into my closet and the first top I'd reach for, has been this brightly-colored "Hey-there-Joseph" tunic! Always! I can't help myself.
It, actually, used to belong to Ed. He outgrew it right about the time I realized my clothes were mostly body-cons and felt like cling-film; and you know how sometimes your body just needs that "whoosa" moment. Exhale! So, I obtained 2 of his other shirts and his jog pants too! Grin. Benefit of being married, everything becomes double including your wardrobe selection! What do you think about my tunic? Ok, I hear you, what you think about our tunic? The family tunic lol!
Want one?
Tunic by Ed-John Apparels
Phone: +2348030927373
I promise, I'm wearing shorts!
Why Your Friend Won’t Leave The Guy Hitting Her
“He beats her up all the time! And she won’t leave! Does she have a death wish?!” If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard a concerned friend lament this way, I would be able to buy myself a fine cup of herbal mint tea, every morning, for three months straight.
You start by asking your friend nicely, to leave an abusive, unhealthy relationship, then you scream at her, then you stare at her disbelieving as she claims to love him still, then you drag her things out of the guy's house and then, the next morning, just before it crows, the cock chokes on his morning call as he watches your friend wobble back to her abusive boyfriend’s house.
Before you completely rule out your friend as a lost cause and burn the t-shirts you made in solidarity for her human rights , consider that this may not entirely be her fault.
It just might be da..da..dum…biology’s fault.
Could biology really be the reason your friend has refused to leave her twisted, abusive relationship?
As I prepared this post, I thought to myself, “Being beat-up is so stressful.” The last time I got smacked might have been in primary (elementary) school. Primary four. Long brown cane. Right before break-time. My favorite teacher. Noisemakers list...just because the class captain was hating. Sigh. (Haters be hating, even in the 90's). Can you even believe I would make noise, guys? Really, me?
Anyway, being beaten up is stressful and could be classified as harmful to a person’s well-being. During stressful events, humans respond with the famous "Fight or Flight" response; this involves seeing a heavy, hairy arm coming your way, preparing to slap your face, and you instinctively choose, either to duck and run or to brace yourself for a serious show-down. During this time, our heart rates increase, our breathing quickens, our pupils dilate, more blood is supplied to our muscles, our awareness intensifies, equipping us for this blessed self-preservation mode.
So which one do women choose? Fight or Flight? Apparently, most times, women pass on both and choose a third option!
A study shows that when exposed to stress, men are likely to respond with the aggressive "Fight or Flight" response (known as the “punch him back in the teeth or disappearing act” response), while women respond with the “tend and befriend” response, (also known as the “hang-around-and-rationalize-this-ish-until-it-might-be-too-late” response). Researchers from Monash University, Australia, believe this might be due to a 'SRY' gene present in men but absent in women. The absence of this gene in women, is compensated by estrogen (the emotional hormone) and internal opiates. Opiates are painkillers. Our bodies actually have internal painkillers! Opiates also get rid of confusion, pain and cause a feeling of well-being!
I can’t even believe this!
So after he has had a fine swipe at her, emotionally terrorized, kicked, slapped and sometimes even raped her…a woman may choose to stay with such a person by making decisions based on her emotions (estrogen-sourced), hoping he will change while using her internal medicine cabinet (opiates) to assume a false sense of well-being.
Don’t blame your friend for being tardy in ditching her abusive partner. It’s the way we are wired.
There it is! The crazy explanation! I must say, it’s the explanation but it doesn’t have to be the excuse!
To any woman in an abusive relationship: You are too valuable to be hit, emotionally blackmailed or verbally humiliated. You actually shouldn’t remember the last time you were beaten or insulted by your significant other, unless you are like me and was severely hurt because your fave teacher beat you for a crime you didn’t commit and you had a Hater class captain!
Imagine being with someone who is the exact opposite, a genuinely caring and non-violent person who honors and gives you all the love and respect you deserve. He, actually, is out there and might be holding his breath till you arrive!
So will the abusive man change?
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but no, he won’t. (De ja Vu) The bad news is that he probably won’t change, the good news is that you don’t have to keep wondering if he will. Just fall out. Disappear. Duck. Run and kiss the crowing cock on his fence ,'Goodbye'. We keep hoping things will get better with our wishes and crossed-fingers but according to Professor Angela Bahns, a Professor of Psychology at Wellesey College, Massachusetts...
“though the idea that partners influence each other is central in relationships research, we have identified a large domain in which people show very little change— personality, attitudes and values, and a selection of socially-relevant behaviors”
If he is a girl-boxer, then indeed, he may always be, because it's a manifestation of who he is at his core, it’s part of who he has chosen to be. If he does choose to change one day, let’s just say, you shouldn’t be there to find out.
P.s: Does science have an answer for everything? *rme* at my Ababio.
What are your thoughts? Do you believe a woman should hang around until her abusive partner changes? What are the best ways to communicate with a woman who won't leave an abusive relationship? I would love to hear your thoughts! Also please share, someone might need it!
Related posts:
Relationship Canapé 002
#2 Celebrate each other's successes and triumphs, whether big, small or teeny!
This study shows that responding to your significant other's (S.O) good news, such as an achievement or a promotion, with positivity and genuine enthusiasm, is a great ingredient for a successful relationship. True, your ideas of things worth celebrating may differ, however, if it matters to S.O or puts a smile on his or her face, guess whose face should actually reflect that smile?! Yup, even if you aren't having such a good day yourself!
Learning to be a better S.O every day!
Psst! When last did you celebrate something together? Do you do this already? Tell us! Tell us!
Real Stories #4: Whao, Karma!
Girl: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: You just deserve better than what I have to offer.
GIrl*colour gone from her face*
Me: You are too good for me. I don’t think I could bear to hurt you.
Me *insert sad face*
In reality, what I was trying to say to this girl was “Move... Get out the way, get out the way! I just found someone else and she’s unbelievably, nerve-wreckingly hot! So I guess it's over!” Before you classify me as a jerk (which you have already), let me pacify you with the news that it came back around eventually.
But first about me, I’m your typical everyday guy, I love football, love to hang out, a pretty good swimmer and a seasoned dater. Dating has been quite the journey, a bit of a roller coaster with some smooth-sailing and some intermittent, crazy nose-dives.
I’ve dated every type of girl- the sweet, the crazy, the beautiful, the moody, the drop-dead gorgeous, the older woman, the under-cover pretender (long story). I have nicked, swiped, shoplifted a few girlfriends from their boyfriends. I’ve never been a side-dude.
Well, dating has been quite the experience. I’ve noticed that whenever I do get serious and I try to give my all to a relationship, and not be the guy in the dialogue above, something usually goes colossally wrong! Hmmn. I wonder why?
I had been with a girl who I was really serious about for about 3 years and this was most probably going to be 'it' for me. One bright morning, she arrives at my place of employment, before I get in, waits around the premises until I arrive and tells me that it is over— after 3 years of being together. Just like that! She actually took a bus and a keke-marwa to my office and probably got there about 7am for the announcement. Such drive! The break-up speech took place inside my car and my colleagues kept waving at us and knocking on the passenger’s window to say hi to her.
“How cute!”, They must have thought, “Lovebirds cooing in the morning.” The hopeless romantics must have wished for a love so deep.
In reality, my behind was getting very dumped. So yeah, it came back around.
I’ve learnt a lot from my experiences; with the older woman, I learnt that women are timeless and eternally beautiful, with the same insecurities, hidden passions, secrets and knowing smiles. Yup, secrets. She also forgot to tell me she was getting married and refused to pick my calls after.
I’m much older now and my most important lesson learnt is that you must always involve God in your decisions and dealings. Now, I pray more for my spouse-to-be, than myself, even though I’m not married yet. I’ve learnt to accommodate women and their excesses and I have come to understand that phrase, ‘some things are better left unsaid’ alot better.
These days I’m out there, looking for a ring and figuring out the best way to propose to the best thing that ever happened to me!
This is story #4 of the "Dating Like Crazy" series (read #3, #2 and #1 ). This article was written by an anonymous contributor. His views and opinions are entirely his and do not necessarily reflect the views of PGI on this topic. Please note that this is a real story, please comment kindly. Thanks.
10 Interesting People You'd Run into at Work!
Right, so, Monday just snuck up on us like that! Typical.
Anyway, you know how your office is full of a rich assortment of individuals brought together to enhance the organizational goals and objectives of the company? Thanks a lot, Human Resources.
Here are ten interesting people you might run into at work and here's how to make the best of having them around you, instead of avoiding them in the hallway and break room and also in the elevator and the rest room. Can you recognize anyone at work here? Which one of them are you?
1. The Gist Fountain (GF)
This is usually the ‘central node’, the person who knows the gist of everyone and everyone's grandma. GF is a great person to have on your team and maybe even as a friend. She is a great source of information, both relevant and irrelevant; its your task to sift through the data. GF is also great and quick at passing along your information, so, of course, you'd have to be careful about what you tell her. If you choose to be friends with GF, she will come looking for you during the course of the day, for your daily gist, try not to pass any information she has given you and you could also devise an escape technique when she starts with the irrelevant data or zone out and think of bunnies.
2. The Angry Bird
The Angry Bird is usually upset about something; always thinks everything can be done better but never provides any useful, actionable steps of improvement. Every time I meet an Angry Bird, I try to get him to tone down the complaints and instead, focus on solutions. Hmmm, how reasonable, Ike. Well, I'd like to say that they never listen. I'm yet to fully convince an Angry Bird to provide constructive criticism with action points. Lol. They usually just like to vent, if you are willing to listen, then hear them out, otherwise, get them to call a meeting consisting of stakeholders that may influence their concerns...or...when they vent, zone out and think of those bunnies.
3. The Over-Achiever
Work is important to some people...a little more than it is to you(lol). Of course, you're very resourceful and hardworking, but come on, 8 to 5 was what you signed up for. The Over-Achiever(OA) is more of a 7 to 10 kinda-worker. Sometimes, they expect you to do the same. If OA is your boss, hehe, I guess he is for a reason. You will have to put in more effort than you normally would. Two words: Appraisal. Bonus.
It might also be great to have a conversation about the hours that work the best for you, not everyone can give a 100% with long hours. Understand your work habits and ethics and ensure productivity that justify your suggested hours!
4. The Under-Achiever(UA)
This is that person who seems to be done with exceeding expectations, maybe because they weren’t recognized when they worked really hard or are really just done with this whole be-the-best-you-can-be biz. Be a friend to UA, don’t force any unsolicited inspiration on them. If they get inspired by your excellent work, great! If not, relate with them, treat them well and keep your grind on full-steam ahead!
5. The White Rabbit**
We all know this one, that person who is always in a hurry and busy…but in truth isn’t busy and probably just tries to look busy because everyone else genuinely is. All motion, no movement. Lol. From my experience, the White Rabbit may come up with great ideas but isn't much of an executioner. I suppose picking their brains may be great but don't expect much from them with implementation!
6. The Girl/Guy Next Door (or Next Cubicle)
I’m still in touch with several Girls Next Cubicle(GNC) from my very first job! GNC is nice, easy to get along with , usually has zero airs, which works perfectly. It’s a great idea to build a good relationship with this person and maintain it, even after you leave the organization!
7. The Diva
The most popular person at work who everyone runs around to please. For some reason, Divas and I get along, not like best friends, but as in a mutual kind-regards kinda way. First, it’s important to know you aren’t at work to be "the cool-kids". Honestly, it’s just too late for that and prom was like 15 years ago (15! Gosh! ) You are at work to contribute to the organizational goals, improve your career prospects on the long run and make friends (maybe); so if this person fails to contribute to any of the three, maybe the distant mutual kind-regards thing is really all there will ever be.
8. The Boss' Boss
What to do with the Boss’ Boss? Being visible in the organization is probably something we all strive for. Well, a great way to make an impression on Executives and your Boss’ Boss is not to fall asleep during board meetings. Lol! Be active, be productive and let your work have tangible, measurable results. Take on a project that directly puts you in contact with them and then kill it! Also establish a good relationship with your boss. He/she may just put in a good word for you if the need arises!
9. The Confused Intern
Every time I hear intern, I think of copier machines, it’s cliché but it’s where interns find themselves. I think I had a name for the copier machine at my first internship. It was closer than a brother. Interns always need guidance. If you are in the position to mentor (and we all are) please take an intern under your huge, glam wing and mentor away!
10. The Chauffeurs/Cooks/Cleaners (CCC)
No one pays these guys any mind but to be honest, I’ve made a few cafeteria lady and cleaner friends. These people are constantly present on the premises and in all the relaxed places- the corridor, where people chat idly; at the cafeteria, where people talk about their kids and what they did over the weekend; in the car, where people chat loosely on the phone.
CCC might actually have more gist than Gist Fountain! Of course, I’m not saying be friends with them for what you can get. Talk to them, they aren’t any less important than the Boss’ Boss, if you ask me. Life is about connecting and impacting and you really never know who you might be of use to or might be willing to assist you and give you a hint about your promotion (which he heard about while cleaning the toilet!)
I hope this helped! Did you recognize anyone at work? Which one of them are you?!
**White Rabbit- Alice in Wonderland reference.
Real Stories #3: I'm Not In Love But Don't Tell 'Em
My last boyfriend had a big head, that was a huge problem for me, pun intended. He was also short. I liked him though and we had some really good times together...maybe even my best times! He was generous, a true giver. He cared about me, doted on me and took great care of me…well...until he remembered he was still into his ex. He’s with her now.
I was hurt but I know he wasn't "the one". He never gave me the "blood rush" or the excitement people who are in love claim to feel; the heart-wrench, the hand-touch jolts, the unforgettable kiss, the butterflies. No, we definitely weren't in love, that I am sure of.
I was hoping we would eventually “learn to fall in love”. Is there anything like that? Do people learn to fall in love? Do feelings grow? That’s usually how I approach most of my relationships; I hope the feelings grow out of infatuations...never works.
I know what you are thinking, “Why get into a relationship with someone you don’t really like?” Umm…peer pressure, maybe. Yeah, I definitely cracked a little under all the peer-pairing pressure. Everyone is getting into relationships and I think I should too, it just seems like the next best thing.
One time, I dated yet another guy who I didn't like so much (as usual), I honestly don't know what I was doing with him. He was a teeny bit appalling to kiss. The first time we had sex was the worst ever! It was so bad that I decided to keep myself since we broke up. I just couldn't believe I was sleeping with him, I didn't even like him. I got a new perspective on sex after that.
The moment I realize there's zero chance of me ending up with a guy, the relationship ends. Yeah, once I realize it ain’t love, I break up; usually by going into "ghost mode”. Lol. Grade A zone-out! Another method I use is nagging until he leaves (I become annoying; I get an attitude, then I begin to nag, works everytime hehe).
Dating has been enlightening, but I admit it gets a little tiring. It's the same cycle over and over again, getting to know someone new, same questions, different person.
"Hi" *in my thin voice* "Where are you from?", "Football or basketball?", "Flavor or Wizkid?", "Pizza delivery or dine out?", "virgin or non-virgin?"
Yup, it gets exhausting.
In all, I've decided to commit it into God's hands. I'm going to keep myself and be patient for his plans to fall into place. I'm definitely not going to date anyone I'm not crazy about from the beginning, feelings don't develop over time- at least not for me.
This article was written by an anonymous contributor. Her views and opinions are entirely hers and do not necessarily reflect the views of PGI on this topic.
This is story #3 of the "Dating Like Crazy" series (read #2 and #1 here).
Please note that this is a real story, please comment kindly. Thanks.
How to Relate with People with Walls (Hello, Jericho)
Ever so often, we run into people I call "Wallies"- people with walls; walls around their hearts, minds and thoughts and we try to be the valiant knights that blow those walls in with a canon ball.
Before you get all bombs-away on a "Wallie", remember that no one is born with walls. Walls are built from trauma resulting from bad experiences.
I used to be a Wallie and it was a means of providing the security I wanted for myself. Of course, my first line of defense was a permanent scowl, which worked quite nicely, until I met people who didn't care whether I scowled or not, they intended to talk to me anyway! *side glance*
Most walls are unconsciously built, while others are consciously built in a deliberate attempt to keep their internal environment controlled, I believe I was in both categories. I was so good at this wall-business that if anyone tried to reach into my space and obstruct my building process, I'd splatter some cement on their arm and build them along the wall. Hehe. Was it fun? Yeah! Was it lonely within those walls? Yeah, sometimes.
I remember meeting this Wallie, who I really wanted to be friends with but she had like a Jericho-type situation going on, and honestly, I wasn’t prepared to put in that much work or circle her walls 7 times till they fell down flat. I had hoped she would come out at her own time but she never did, plus, I had my own walls too. Two weird Wallies. Tsk.
By the time my walls crumbled, and I came to discover the world outside my walls, which was filled with opportunities to be sensitive to other people and their needs and to do good, she was gone.
From being a Wallie, I learnt to respect other people’s experiences by trying not to scale their walls unless I was invited. I also taught myself to put in a little more effort with other Wallies and retired Wallies!
It’s usually a good idea to respect the walls others have and not feel the need to draw them out by their hair, screaming. One day, on their own watch, they will step out or let you in, if you wait around.
What do you think about this? Are there times you think walls should be blown apart? If you have walls, what does it take for you let people in? I'd really love to hear your thoughts.
Have you read this post from our "Dating like Crazy" series? Our writer talks about dating with walls after a traumatic experience.