Letters to my Greatgrand Daughter: Your Inner Samurai

Dear Charly,

This is a letter about being the bigger man. Earlier today*, someone responded to a question I had asked on a social media platform with a remarkably snide remark. Instantly, I took off my earrings, and took my Taekwondo butterfly kick stance. I was ready to attack. I couldn’t believe the number of sarcastic, so-in-context retorts that flooded my head. They were so good, I think I shivered a little.

So good.

Then I stopped. As a (new) rule, I never attack immediately. I wait. Hold my breath and then let it out. Once again, hold that breath, let it out. I close my eyes. I imagine the sun is shining on my face and I let the battle drums fade into the background. Harps play instead—this part takes a while. I think about the consequences. Today, that incident made me think about what I represent. I asked myself what I’d advice someone else to do.

Overlook it, I'd say. Overlook the offense. It's not worth it. Your future is impeccable, your path is sterling. Don't play around in cyber mud. 

It was hard. It is hard—doing the right thing. It’s hard to be already half -suspended in the air, arms spread out like wings, ready to flick that ankle and kick her in the mouth, all calculated. No chance of a miss.

Deep exhale. 

I let it slide.

The next time someone ticks you off so much that the only thing they apparently deserve is a fine whack, a polished lecture, a sweet piece of your mind. Don’t dish it.

Offer mercy instead.

They may not deserve it. I know, but life is crazy, in a few hours, you may be in need of mercy, yourself. You wouldn’t want someone to unleash their inner-Samurai on you. Would you?

Love,

GreatGrand x

 *written two months ago. 

Look Guys, No Toes!

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There's nothing more exhausting than getting offended, being upset, waiting to be pacified by an apology; then becoming offended again, upset again, loitering in the hall for an apology, then offended again....the cycle is endless..... It's gets more complicated when there are multiple cycles running at the same time. Everyone has the ability to upset you; friends, family, kids, colleagues, strangers (uhmm, strangers the most!). They all come with their little annoying wheels and the moment they annoy you, round the cycle goes.

To be rid of this tiresome cycles, I have decided to stop the silly centrifugal force powering them- my toes. I'm cutting off my toes! Now, no one can step on them. True, I still get upset but not for long. These days, I just look at the person for about 4 seconds, shrug and classify the situation as an code Magenta and I move on. And who doesn't love Magenta.

Here's what triggered this, a while back two people upset me and until recently, I had been waiting around for an apology from these people. When I told them how I felt about their conduct, they provided a counter-argument, defended themselves and well, they never apologized. However, since, i've stopped keeping any record of wrong , plus, the timeline of the offenses were becoming ridiculous, I had to do something about it. I apologized to myself on their behalf, bribed myself and cut off my toes! Who knows when these persons would get around to realizing that what they did to me was wrong.  If I was still mad, well, that would be ALOT of anger plaque now, wouldn't it? No time. Words to live by:

✔️Forgive in advance. 

✔️Make excuses for people.

✔️Don't wait around for an apology.

✔️Cut off the toes (metaphorically)

✔️When someone comes around with the intent of offending, point down and scream, 'Look, No Toes!'

How do you deal with getting over offenses? I believe there's a world where people just walk around without getting offended and wrong-doings just get dusted off their shoulders. If you live in that world, you seriously need to show us all the way! Comment below!  xx If you don't, tell us about your journey there! 

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Bank of Daddy to Bank of Bae

Sometimes, I imagine my dad somewhere on an island, say old San Juan wearing a straw hat, drinking an authentic piña colada and kicking the sand into the air as he dances off into the sunset. Oh, the joy! Those high maintenance girls are gone! Now he doesn’t have to stare into those doe eyes anymore, wondering why shoes and purses cost so much; doesn't have to try to wrap his mind around the concept of weaves and why I pay so much to have them put in, even more perplexing, #teamnatural expenses; how expensive is it to let your own hair grow out of your own head?! I'm kidding my dad is awesome and has never considered my sister and I a burden, but he can't deny our high maintenance-ness. Now, we are both married and on those delightfully warm, sunny wedding days, he signed off all responsibility to our wonderful spouses. He must have chuckled discreetly at each one's beaming, ecstatic face and thought, "In time, my son, in time."

It's been over a  year now that i've been off  payroll for Bank of Daddy(BOD), of which daddy had been the chairman and mommy, the president of the financial reserve. For close to 30 years, BOD has found ways of investing and working to ensure that everything that I have needed and sometimes, wanted, has been provided to the best of its ability. These days, i am with Bank of Bae (BOB), where bae and I are chairman and president. Things are a little different.

For starters, we only began investing in the last one year. Needs, cravings and wants are no longer in an indistinguishable muddle. There exists now something called a priority list. Purchases are planned, bills have our names on them, which really makes me feel old, we own a printer and care about ink, we own saucers and single people don't want to be friends with us anymore (sniff). That was completely random, back to having a priority list.

 I've had a couple of days when Ed and I would disagree in the store aisles over stuff we actually need. You know how we girls really really need a pretty shiny salad tosser? Or is it just me? What about all those colorful Kate Spade home decor items; those neon colored  kitchen utensils, like the fuschia whisk and lime spatulas, those bedsheets with so much threadcount, it's almost like sleeping on a cloud. Uh! those towels that make me feel like I just dried myself with a sheep, and then, that clutch purse.....*eyes glazed over* and then.....*eyes twinkling* those killer-heels! All this while, I'm all over the store and Ed is looking at me like, "Umm.....rent."

Needless to say, I needed to get a grip and who likes to get a grip? Not me. I wish I knew the steps to transitioning. It's either one of two things, either you restrict yourself and acquire more financial management skills or expand to what is in Bank of Bae and acquire even MORE financial management skills. Now, your very perception of value needs to be reconfigured. Now, the strappy sandals you just bought really should be on number 9 of your priority list but it's still number 1. Now, if you want to get a Masters degree, you actually have to plan. In the past, Bank of Daddy would wire you all the money. Not any more, now you own saucers! If you don’t mentally prepare yourself before you take your vows, its very possible you’ll think you are still on pay-roll from BOD and then you make an unjustifiable purchase (the pair of killer-sandals) which puts a significant dent in BOB and then to make it worse, you kinda forgot to buy groceries. If you are lucky or in the UK or US, you'll be able to return the purchase. If you live in Italy or Nigeria, I guess you and Bae would have to eat your new shoes for dinner.

It starts with a change in our minds to downsize or expand, all with wisdom and also the decision to choose to be realistic and considerate. Little comparison can be made with the financial situation of BOD and BOB, Bank Of Daddy has like a 40-50 year head-start, it's sturdy while BOB, sometimes, is like that new bank down the road, it needs a little bit of time to take root, so some consideration and prudence from your end will do it a lot of good. If you are high-maintenance, take the knob down just a notch. In time, it all comes together. Of course, it helps if BOB allows some occasional splurging, it makes the readjustment process a little better. So hear, he-baes, your task is to help her transition easy, let her buy her cloud-bedsheets or get her the clutch that got her eyes glazed over or that random polka dot skirt that makes her happy for some reason; she's in transition. And you know what they say about people in transition.......[hehe, nothing, just get her the clutch, jo]. 

Have you loved on your parents recently, verbally and financially? How have you successfully transitioned from BOD to BOB? How did you figure it out? 

How to deal with Negative people (1)

Everyone has suddenly gone snobby with management of negative people! The general rule is to avoid them like a plague. Do not relate with them, everyone says, they spoil our own good vibe, our crystal aura, they disrupt the sea gulls that squeal around in our bubble of tranquility. They distract our unicorns from drinking from the burbly, shimmery brook, they ruin our day with their thunderous, dark clouds. Spot the negative people and then weed them out. I like this rule because its convenient and frankly i don't have to deal with anyone's bad aura. I have things to do and I have a calendar full of tasks and deadlines. I need to be productive and we all know what they say about productivity (*insert abstract Productivity quote*).

Nevertheless, i can't agree with this rule. It belittles my ability to impact others positively and  i'm also at risk. You see, sometimes, i could be a little negative myself and I could very well be excluded from the unicorn islands of the "positive people"! And who wants that? No one! There's no way i'm passing on unicorns. So i have decided to deal with the bigger problem, bigger than dealing with negative people - dealing with negative me.

How to deal with negative people me

 

1. Think positively (but you already knew that)

Everyone knows this, but we only begin to chant "Think positively" when stuff has gone crazy and our negativity has gone crazy wild, biting at our heels and trying to ruin our lives. Thinking positively is a life style. It's everyday, every night, every waking, blinking second; not a magic wand. Whatever you think up in your mind or whatever ruling thought dominates your heart is what will spill out. Yes, your thoughts eventually spill out. It's like burping. If you had sea food gumbo for lunch, your burp 3 hours later will be nothing short of epic. So, think positively, ruminate on the good thoughts and burp rainbows.  

2. STOP HAVING COFFEE AND DOUBLE-CHOC MUFFINS WITH FEAR

Honestly, i think at some point, fear was my best friend. Interestingly, she was always there. I never could complain that she ditched me....always there, in my bed, in the dark, in the car, on my run, on the plane. I literally would entertain fear unconsciously, until one day, she decided to take over my life. "She's part of the human response", you might think. True, but she is also  NEGATIVITY in the flesh. So we broke up. Yup, we had bad blood. Definitely had bad blood. We could not be friends anymore. No more hanging out and catching up, started snobbing her and ever since, it has been coffee with God instead. 

3. New habit: Choose not to complain  

Complaining signifies a state of helplessness and constant dissatisfaction. It's not healthy for you or the people around you, so Shake it off! Shake it off! (I am on a Taylor Swift roll today). It takes a while to train yourself to stop complaining. On the average, it takes 66 days to acquire a habit (sometimes a little more). Try not complaining about traffic, the driver that just cut in, your commute, your boyfriend/husband/wife, parents, kids, work, the weather, lunch, the neighbor whose food smells like locust beans for 66 days. It will be the best 95,040 minutes of your life!

4. The gratitude plug

If you know anything about change at all or about quitting, you'd know a void appears in the absence of a past habit. So what to do with this gape left by complaining? Stuff it with gratitude, most especially to God. I don't know anyone who cares so much about anyone else as He does about us. There are so many things to be grateful for. That locust-beans neighbor for one, is something to be grateful for. Loads of people will kill for a neighbor of any sort but they don't have the opportunity (think Syria). 

5. #NOTEVERYTIMEDEVILSADVOCATE

Encourage others! To encourage means 'to give confidence to.' People need confidence and its completely in our power to inspire. Speak words that encourage, not words that cut down. Encourage people to dream...dream big and to achieve those dreams, even if the dream is to sell a wide variety of colorful sequins for a living, just be supportive. Sometimes people in our lives do things we can't relate to and then we get stuck in our lack of understanding and do nothing. It's not about us, its about being a form of support #noteverytimedevilsadvocate #Justsupport #butonlylegalstuff .

6. See the good in people

I know. Some people task your optic nerves trying to see the good in them but it's there. Seeing the good in people requires you readjusting your perspective. Just a little more to the right. Yup, there it is.

7. Say Good things about people 

Sometimes the words fall out of our mouths, but do they.....really? Every word that comes out of your mouth is actually passed along an interestingly complex neural circuit in your brain. It didn't just fall out. It was thought through and then it deliberately stepped off the ledge of your tongue. The fact that it's conscious and calculated means its controllable. We can actually CHOOSE to say good things. Speaking good about people is a necessity for the health of your mind. Trust me. 

 

Do you have any tips on dealing with inner negativity? Please share below and remember to love on a negative person today! Unicorns are so in!