The Wax Affair: Heads Up Down Below (#TBT)
For as many seeking the best way to get rid of hair on the undersides (*giggle*she said "undersides") and wonder what a wax feels like, wonder no more! I am here to share my experience. For almost 12 months now, I have been trying to convince two of my friends to get a wax and abandon the pungent smell of hair-removal cream and the 'in-growth fairy god-mother'; the shaving stick. Every time, I mention it, their eyes get this distrustful glazed look, a glare echoing reminiscence (i wonder why). Anyway, I dedicate this post to them.
I have gotten a wax done three times and I do not know which time was the most painful. It's already public knowledge that I don't do pain. Each time, I have had to constantly remind myself that I am a grown woman and I would have to exercise some self-control during the process....these reminders, all, of course, die once we start.
Ok, It's not fair that I make it sound horrendous and frighten any virgin-waxers and my friends but it is horrendous. The result, on the other hand is excellent. It's like eyebrow-threading. At the end, you look like a lawnmower ran over your face and left identical red highlights on your brow bones but that's ok, because you look excellently groomed and sharp, same down there with the wax! [Note: I convinced these same friends to get their brows threaded for the first time, hence, the deep distrust they have for me. hehe]. Get your wax on guys, let bygones be bygones! Muhaha.
First, I wouldn't recommend trying this on yourself unless of course you are trained to. I once tried waxing myself in the privacy of my own bathroom. That day, I trotted to the store, bought a home kit, locked myself in the bathroom and began with my underarms. Summary: disaster, I had to walk akimbo for 3 days. LOL!I'd recommend going to a specialist. They are trained to do this. Plus they have the bird's view and are able to reach areas you can't.
Bullet points on how it went down and what to expect....
- You follow the esthetician into a quaint, clean ( if otherwise, you are toast) room with a bench and table of equipment (ointment, wax heater, application sticks which remind me of ice-cream)
- Happy-faced esthetician (always happy faced) briefs you on the procedure. Asks you to strip your bottoms and lie down on the bench while she exits the room and probably stabs herself with a happy drug that helps her deal with your bushy genitals
- Smiling esthetician returns (always too early but knocks first thankfully)
- She folds back the towel you have covered your lower region with (which you hope she'd just leave in place and magically do her job, while never having to acquaint herself with your "privies")
- She lathers on warm, o, wonderfully warm wax and starts a conversation. You think to yourself, "This isn't so bad, what's that pagesbyike on about. Pain spain.....
- ....And then krrrrrrrrrrrchhh! Lights go off in your head like New year's eve. It's like a brain freeze plus a brain explosion. It's like an explosion in the Artic
- Then you let out this high pitched squeal-laugh caused by shock, pain and unpreparedness
- At this point you will be able to know if this is for you or not. Some people leave at this point (The Lord knows there have been times I almost jumped off the bench half shaven and still willing to pay the full price. Heck, I could have paid extra if she would just leave me alone). Thankfully they don't start down the middle and leave you with a Nigerian flag situation down there. So you can leave at this point
- If you stay after the first strip........my friend, we should meet. Chances are that you may be tough enough to outlast the Apocalypse and I want to be on your team
- Then comes the next warm wax lather and strip , it's no better than the first. You'd think the pain dips or plateaus but no....
- More conversation...Some praise from the esthetician (if she sees tears collect at the corner of your eyes)
- Approximately 8 "krrrrrrrchs" later...you are almost done.
- Then the butt wax. There's no dignified way to get this done....so humble yourself and remember that P.diddy dyes his pubes for whatever reason, which we will never know and never want to know. Dyed pubes. That always makes me feel better. I don't know why. Hope restored.
Everything I just said aside, it's really not that bad. Think of it as "ripping off the band-aid several times". If I, the queen of Nopainville, can, so can you! Go for it! It does a great job, gets you all groomed and tidy. Watch some Youtube videos. This one really helped me. This one is just plain entertaining. LOL
Allergies must be reported to the esthetician and yes, pop a painkiller some minutes before going in. When you are done, you get a free lollipop. Not!
Happy waxing!
What's your least favorite fashion ritual?
This post was originally published on our old space; feisty phi.
Emperor of Sofa to Emperor, Fitfam
Photo credit: Me!
If you are an adopted member of #fitfam (like me) and ignoring Cold stone, Krispy Kreme and Dominos is getting pretty hard; if running 5 miles feels like a stretch and exercising in general looks like it's cut out for others and not you, well, I've got great news for you. Below are some tips on how to repudiate your reign as Emperor of sofa and assume a new position; Emperor of #fitfam. If you can't stand the term #fitfam, please skip to the last paragraph. I can't particularly give you a time frame for your transition; the main determinant is your will....fused with this post. Here goes....
1. Insta-Mentor
An insta-mentor gets you rolling out the mat and grabbing the dumbbells in no time. Mine on Instagram is @sofialevfitness. She never fails to inspire my abs. My abs love her. The part of me that hates to work out though....not so much. During those times when I don't feel like being Emperor, I just scroll fast past her 15 second videos, but then after a swift scroll, there she is again! She's one of those multiple photo/video uploaders. A fitness mentor inspires your body parts and it helps if they are really active on social media and in your face all the time.
2. Buy Gym wear (neon does it!)
I don't know if this happens to anyone else but when I wear my gym clothes, I have a Clark-Kent-like transformation. My jaw is set, I stand akimbo, staring into the sun with an imaginary red cape blowing in wind...that kind of stuff and then off I go to the gym to run less than my proposed 3 miles. Superman has his timeout days too, what can I say? Nevertheless, buying gym gear definitely helps your morale and enthusiasm in breaking a sweat. If you feel you need an arm, head, ankle, belly band, get them all, as long as they makes you feel like you were born on the thread mill and get that heart rate up.
3. Gym/Work it
Now that you have those neon beauties, i guess it's important to join a gym! It's worth every penny. A cheaper alternative would be buying work out tapes (I said tapes, I don't know why i said tapes). If you are on a budget, google some aerobic exercises or do what i do; make up a routine and work it out consistently.
4. Ignore junk food
You'd think that associating the word "junk" with "food" would turn us all into junk food snobs but no, makes us love and crave it even more. Make cooking a habit and do it quantities that last at least a week. Also snack right with healthier options; nuts, fruits, vegetables. Leftovers and healthy snacks are the key to junk-snubing.
5. Make healthy eating fun!
Try new healthy recipes and make healthy pastries. If you are a baked goods lover, bake healthy. Eat dinner early, 7pm early, and if you are above the age of 25, carby night-caps are probably not the best idea.
6. Get a pedometer!
I should get paid for this pedometer thing but seriously, get one for yourself and a loved one this Christmas. It helps to measure your daily activity. You'll very soon realize how sedentary you actually might be, which we don't want, sitting being the new smoking and all. Set a target for each day, we are supposed to take about 7000-8000 steps a day. My pedometer just whispered, "Hypocrite," which is exactly why you want one.
7. Be consistent!
#Fitfam is a lifestyle and requires a complete lifestyle turn around. It really is a conscious effort to get off the sofa, suspend Netflix 'n' chill and actually get active. Having someone who you are accountable to helps a lot as well; someone to stare you down as you open the fridge at midnight; someone to slap your wrist as you reach for that ooze-drippy caramel-ly, chocolatey desert; someone to send you this post, because they love you.
So remember; insta-mentor+ some neon+ junk snobbery+ workout tapes +dinner before 7+ nagging pedometer+ willpower= Emperor Fitfam
Now, if you hate the term #fitfam and you want absolutely nothing to do with them. Read this post again and cover the #fitfam with your pinkie. Once you've done that, buy you some neon colored gym clothes, follow a health entusiast on IG, make some healthy diet changes, buy a pedometer and share this post.
Myth Buster: The Cold Shower
This is for anyone who relies heavily on the cold shower as a means of escape from unplanned sex. It doesn't really work! Cold showers do not cool scorching pipes! I repeat, do not! Apparently, cold showers boosts testosterone, which increases the steam in the pipes which leads to you doing stuff that would completely perplex your mum, her head bending to the side, almost falling off her neck....those angles.....That was too much. My chill is below average today.
Mum: What..tha...45°, 110°, 230°....yup, something just broke
You may have heard this cold-shower-testosterone gist before, but it was completely new to me. I had always thought I'd be able to tell my son to take a shower whenever he felt the overwhelming need to have sex. "Take a cold shower my love, and watch all the kongi wash down the drain." Well, Update your info, grandma. You'd be setting yourself up to be just that, a grandma!
Testosterone is a hormone produced in the adrenal glands (the glands are a pair that sit on each kidney, double whammy!). Testosterone increases muscle mass and strength, and is responsible for the development of the male genitals, growth of hair, voice changes in adolescents. It also is responsible for the libido and sperm production and just as a reminder is not stifled by a cold shower. Just saying. Taking the shower, literarily is like being transformed into the hulk, veins popping, muscles bulking, hair tufting, stuff throbbing. It basically amplifies all the things you were feeling before you stepped under the water. Yup, setting you up for a real shower; a baby shower! Congrats in advance!
I wonder who started spreading this shower fable and why it's so popular. I guess it must have worked in the past for some people; you know how if you believe in something, chances are it will occur in accordance to your faith and everything. However, now you know, i have successfully put a dent in your faith in the cold shower. Lol. Our cold-shower-plan-B is now non-existent! Doesn't it feel great not to have a plan B, makes you have to really really work not to put yourself in a position that requires you needing a cold shower.
Anyway, do you know any cold shower substitutes that I can tell my son if he ever needs it? I'd really hate to be that bird above. Does the cold shower work for you? When was the last time someone told you to take a cold shower? Share your knowledge. This is that kind of post that no one ever wants to comment on. Lol. C'mon, prove me wrong. Remember, you can be totally anonymous if you want.
Pinktober or nah?
It's October!!! Pinktober actually, breast cancer awareness month!!!! But unfortunately..... (sorry to dampen the mood), most women do not remember to self-examine the other months of the year. I, definitely, am a happy, enthusiastic boob-kneader in October but in April...not so much. And can you blame us?It's because October is the period when breast cancer awareness peaks and when everyone is running a race for the cause or wearing the pink ribbon. Every month should be boob-month! Pagesbyike will be putting up monthly reminders to get us to feel-up our chest hills a little more often.
Here's a 3-point reminder on how to self-examine!
The boob-stare down
Funny, did you know we spend an average of 55 minutes a day staring at our faces in the mirror? Flipping the mascara, dabbing the lip gloss, making ourselves insta-worthy. If we could just let our eyes drop just a bit to boob-level for 5 minutes to stare at our breasts. Just 5 minutes. Know thy breasts. Seriously. Know everything about them. The shape, color, look out for changes; dimpling, swelling in the nipples. If you saw your boobs in a line-up, you should be able to recognize them in an instant.
The ceiling
(Chimamanda has officially ruined this word for me. Lol. Think Americanah)
Lie down on your back with your face to the ceiling and with one hand behind your head (see illustration), check for any lumps with the pad of your fingers (not your finger tips). If you feel a mass, check the other breast at the same location for a similar mass. If it's there too, its probably a-ok.
The shower
The shower is a great place to check too; 1) because you are, well, naked and 2) because your soapy fingers help to glide along the breast, which i find makes the task easier. Check for the same signs in (1).
Best time to check your breasts: A few days after your period, when it's less sore.
If you find a lump, do not panic. 8 out of 10 discovered lumps are not cancerous, pretty good odds. Schedule an appointment with your care provider and have it examined as soon as possible.
Please remember to share. 40% of diagnosed breast cancers are discovered by women who feel a lump. Let's keep reminding eachother, so that one day, we'll watch that pink ribbon go extinct.
Workout playlist: Pain, Itch and Etighi
Exercise hurts. If you haven't exercised in a while, it hurts AND it itches!!! This itch is popularly known as runner's itch. No one really knows for certain what causes it; histamine, lactic acid, tight gym clothes (cat-call*). I don't know what it is but i could tell you tales about it, about when I used to run outdoors; tales about dodging behind trees and in public restrooms; tales about odd looks and impromptu modifications of scratch techniques. The thing makes you want to grow wolverine-claws and scratch those thighs off. However, I bring good tidings (as always). According to Scientific American, music distracts us from pain, maybe not itching but definitely pain, so we are able to focus more on achieving our gym/outdoor goals. With a great playlist, you wouldn't even notice. Ok you will, that itch sucks.
Another great thing about music and working out, music makes you go harder, faster and conserves your energy. Counterintuitive but you know science....they always have an explanation for everything. Apparently, music conditions the body to move in such a way that we use just the right amount of oxygen to achieve our workout goals, sometimes it even causes us to use less! To aid this process, it's actually advisable to have your movement synchronized to the beat of your music, of course not to the tee, otherwise, that would be another sport entirely. Most people have the ability to exercise to the beat of a song. If this is true (and it is, I can prove it) and you came into my gym (about to prove it) and you looked around, this is what you'd see:
The girl who I'm sure listens to rock as she sprints, she's so energetic and fiery. She definitely goes harder and faster. She inspires me from a distance. A long distance. Then the other girl who runs about 8 miles (not kidding), she definitely listens to raggae or something, sometimes, it's like she double steps on one leg! Then the hip hop boys with the weights. There's the guy who runs in slow-motion, I don't know what that guy listens to, some Bach maybe. Then me.....you'd see me trying desperately trying not to do Etighi on the tread mill while listening to Iyayan's Away or Yemi Alade's Johnny. It's a very diverse gym as you can tell.
Anyway, here's my work out playlist. How i endure the pain, the itch and my run-dance soundtrack.
My Playlist
Alive- Hillsong Young&Free
At the beginning, I work with length, so I go with a fast-paced Hillsong song. These guys do an average of about 8-9 mins on one song! They are amazing. If you can break through your first 7 minutes with a Hillsong song or two, great!
Speed of light- Owl City (it's hilarious running to the beat of this song, it's almost cartoon-like)
Hall of fame- The Script
Flares- The Script
Burn- Ellie Goulding
Outside- Calvin Harris and Ellie Goulding
Watch me - Silentó (this song gets confusing. I literally want to stop running and whip! Who feels this way too?!)
For mid-way endurance, I switch to African music. This would probably be the time you'd walk in on me; dance-running.
Away- Iyayan
Million pound girl- Fuse ODG (this is great for that moment when you are sure you are going to walk off the treadmill without stopping it. That "forget-this, I'm-done!" moment.
Johnny -Yemi Alade
Surulere - Dr. Sid & Don Jazzy
[Gym trick: Put you favorite workout song in the middle of your workout playlist. Or at the end. So you work towards the "goal" of your favorite song. It works! I went from a gym 1.1 mile-r to a 2.2 mile-r!]
What's on your playlist? Do you dance-run? Do people at your gym do the Etighi?
For de Men dem: Becoming Drogo
Two of my guy friends are growing their beards!!! Whohoo! I know.......they need coconut oil. That's what i told them too!
This is some Khal Drogo biz. I'm pretty sure Drogo uses coconut oil, guys. I like to imagine that after he runs around all day cutting out tongues of disloyal subjects and raiding and looting villages, he has some alone time with his beard, grooming and massaging with coconut oil. Some manly time.
So to all the men dem, growing a beard, get a jar of coconut oil. Its great anti-bacterial, anti-microbe properties keep your beard healthy! It's high in triglycerides which is great for growth. Also, it gives it a luxurious shine. If you'd like a bit more intensity in this care process, click on this link.....before I give you the link, if any of you guys have mocked the natural hair journey of your girlfriends or friends or sister or mum, or the hustle in general, i want to say with all the smug my face can contain......"In your face!" Literarily.
Alright, here's how to make awesome beard balm, with just oils. The same oils the natural girls use. You'll love it. You'll also love smelling like coconut. You'll smell like a dessert. I know you'll complain about how you smell but I know you secretly love it. I see some slathering some on their legs and ashy ankles, using it to treat baldness (it has been said to help) and as a lip balm. All that good stuff.
If you haven't considered growing a beard. Think about it. Girls love a good beard. They do. Maybe not all, but most. Studies prove it. So hey, the girls love it, Khal has one. Let it grow!
Please remember: Kissing a guy with facial hair is interesting enough, please ensure you clean your beard often enough when food gets stuck in it. No one wants to know you had Oatmeal for breakfast and Edikaikong for lunch.
All the best and please share with a #beardgang friend
xx
Ps: Jason Momoa has not admitted to these coconut-y allegations