Why Your Friend Won’t Leave The Guy Hitting Her
“He beats her up all the time! And she won’t leave! Does she have a death wish?!” If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard a concerned friend lament this way, I would be able to buy myself a fine cup of herbal mint tea, every morning, for three months straight.
You start by asking your friend nicely, to leave an abusive, unhealthy relationship, then you scream at her, then you stare at her disbelieving as she claims to love him still, then you drag her things out of the guy's house and then, the next morning, just before it crows, the cock chokes on his morning call as he watches your friend wobble back to her abusive boyfriend’s house.
Before you completely rule out your friend as a lost cause and burn the t-shirts you made in solidarity for her human rights , consider that this may not entirely be her fault.
It just might be da..da..dum…biology’s fault.
Could biology really be the reason your friend has refused to leave her twisted, abusive relationship?
As I prepared this post, I thought to myself, “Being beat-up is so stressful.” The last time I got smacked might have been in primary (elementary) school. Primary four. Long brown cane. Right before break-time. My favorite teacher. Noisemakers list...just because the class captain was hating. Sigh. (Haters be hating, even in the 90's). Can you even believe I would make noise, guys? Really, me?
Anyway, being beaten up is stressful and could be classified as harmful to a person’s well-being. During stressful events, humans respond with the famous "Fight or Flight" response; this involves seeing a heavy, hairy arm coming your way, preparing to slap your face, and you instinctively choose, either to duck and run or to brace yourself for a serious show-down. During this time, our heart rates increase, our breathing quickens, our pupils dilate, more blood is supplied to our muscles, our awareness intensifies, equipping us for this blessed self-preservation mode.
So which one do women choose? Fight or Flight? Apparently, most times, women pass on both and choose a third option!
A study shows that when exposed to stress, men are likely to respond with the aggressive "Fight or Flight" response (known as the “punch him back in the teeth or disappearing act” response), while women respond with the “tend and befriend” response, (also known as the “hang-around-and-rationalize-this-ish-until-it-might-be-too-late” response). Researchers from Monash University, Australia, believe this might be due to a 'SRY' gene present in men but absent in women. The absence of this gene in women, is compensated by estrogen (the emotional hormone) and internal opiates. Opiates are painkillers. Our bodies actually have internal painkillers! Opiates also get rid of confusion, pain and cause a feeling of well-being!
I can’t even believe this!
So after he has had a fine swipe at her, emotionally terrorized, kicked, slapped and sometimes even raped her…a woman may choose to stay with such a person by making decisions based on her emotions (estrogen-sourced), hoping he will change while using her internal medicine cabinet (opiates) to assume a false sense of well-being.
Don’t blame your friend for being tardy in ditching her abusive partner. It’s the way we are wired.
There it is! The crazy explanation! I must say, it’s the explanation but it doesn’t have to be the excuse!
To any woman in an abusive relationship: You are too valuable to be hit, emotionally blackmailed or verbally humiliated. You actually shouldn’t remember the last time you were beaten or insulted by your significant other, unless you are like me and was severely hurt because your fave teacher beat you for a crime you didn’t commit and you had a Hater class captain!
Imagine being with someone who is the exact opposite, a genuinely caring and non-violent person who honors and gives you all the love and respect you deserve. He, actually, is out there and might be holding his breath till you arrive!
So will the abusive man change?
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but no, he won’t. (De ja Vu) The bad news is that he probably won’t change, the good news is that you don’t have to keep wondering if he will. Just fall out. Disappear. Duck. Run and kiss the crowing cock on his fence ,'Goodbye'. We keep hoping things will get better with our wishes and crossed-fingers but according to Professor Angela Bahns, a Professor of Psychology at Wellesey College, Massachusetts...
“though the idea that partners influence each other is central in relationships research, we have identified a large domain in which people show very little change— personality, attitudes and values, and a selection of socially-relevant behaviors”
If he is a girl-boxer, then indeed, he may always be, because it's a manifestation of who he is at his core, it’s part of who he has chosen to be. If he does choose to change one day, let’s just say, you shouldn’t be there to find out.
P.s: Does science have an answer for everything? *rme* at my Ababio.
What are your thoughts? Do you believe a woman should hang around until her abusive partner changes? What are the best ways to communicate with a woman who won't leave an abusive relationship? I would love to hear your thoughts! Also please share, someone might need it!
Related posts:
Relationship Canapé 002
#2 Celebrate each other's successes and triumphs, whether big, small or teeny!
This study shows that responding to your significant other's (S.O) good news, such as an achievement or a promotion, with positivity and genuine enthusiasm, is a great ingredient for a successful relationship. True, your ideas of things worth celebrating may differ, however, if it matters to S.O or puts a smile on his or her face, guess whose face should actually reflect that smile?! Yup, even if you aren't having such a good day yourself!
Learning to be a better S.O every day!
Psst! When last did you celebrate something together? Do you do this already? Tell us! Tell us!
Real Stories #4: Whao, Karma!
Girl: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: You just deserve better than what I have to offer.
GIrl*colour gone from her face*
Me: You are too good for me. I don’t think I could bear to hurt you.
Me *insert sad face*
In reality, what I was trying to say to this girl was “Move... Get out the way, get out the way! I just found someone else and she’s unbelievably, nerve-wreckingly hot! So I guess it's over!” Before you classify me as a jerk (which you have already), let me pacify you with the news that it came back around eventually.
But first about me, I’m your typical everyday guy, I love football, love to hang out, a pretty good swimmer and a seasoned dater. Dating has been quite the journey, a bit of a roller coaster with some smooth-sailing and some intermittent, crazy nose-dives.
I’ve dated every type of girl- the sweet, the crazy, the beautiful, the moody, the drop-dead gorgeous, the older woman, the under-cover pretender (long story). I have nicked, swiped, shoplifted a few girlfriends from their boyfriends. I’ve never been a side-dude.
Well, dating has been quite the experience. I’ve noticed that whenever I do get serious and I try to give my all to a relationship, and not be the guy in the dialogue above, something usually goes colossally wrong! Hmmn. I wonder why?
I had been with a girl who I was really serious about for about 3 years and this was most probably going to be 'it' for me. One bright morning, she arrives at my place of employment, before I get in, waits around the premises until I arrive and tells me that it is over— after 3 years of being together. Just like that! She actually took a bus and a keke-marwa to my office and probably got there about 7am for the announcement. Such drive! The break-up speech took place inside my car and my colleagues kept waving at us and knocking on the passenger’s window to say hi to her.
“How cute!”, They must have thought, “Lovebirds cooing in the morning.” The hopeless romantics must have wished for a love so deep.
In reality, my behind was getting very dumped. So yeah, it came back around.
I’ve learnt a lot from my experiences; with the older woman, I learnt that women are timeless and eternally beautiful, with the same insecurities, hidden passions, secrets and knowing smiles. Yup, secrets. She also forgot to tell me she was getting married and refused to pick my calls after.
I’m much older now and my most important lesson learnt is that you must always involve God in your decisions and dealings. Now, I pray more for my spouse-to-be, than myself, even though I’m not married yet. I’ve learnt to accommodate women and their excesses and I have come to understand that phrase, ‘some things are better left unsaid’ alot better.
These days I’m out there, looking for a ring and figuring out the best way to propose to the best thing that ever happened to me!
This is story #4 of the "Dating Like Crazy" series (read #3, #2 and #1 ). This article was written by an anonymous contributor. His views and opinions are entirely his and do not necessarily reflect the views of PGI on this topic. Please note that this is a real story, please comment kindly. Thanks.
Real Stories #3: I'm Not In Love But Don't Tell 'Em
My last boyfriend had a big head, that was a huge problem for me, pun intended. He was also short. I liked him though and we had some really good times together...maybe even my best times! He was generous, a true giver. He cared about me, doted on me and took great care of me…well...until he remembered he was still into his ex. He’s with her now.
I was hurt but I know he wasn't "the one". He never gave me the "blood rush" or the excitement people who are in love claim to feel; the heart-wrench, the hand-touch jolts, the unforgettable kiss, the butterflies. No, we definitely weren't in love, that I am sure of.
I was hoping we would eventually “learn to fall in love”. Is there anything like that? Do people learn to fall in love? Do feelings grow? That’s usually how I approach most of my relationships; I hope the feelings grow out of infatuations...never works.
I know what you are thinking, “Why get into a relationship with someone you don’t really like?” Umm…peer pressure, maybe. Yeah, I definitely cracked a little under all the peer-pairing pressure. Everyone is getting into relationships and I think I should too, it just seems like the next best thing.
One time, I dated yet another guy who I didn't like so much (as usual), I honestly don't know what I was doing with him. He was a teeny bit appalling to kiss. The first time we had sex was the worst ever! It was so bad that I decided to keep myself since we broke up. I just couldn't believe I was sleeping with him, I didn't even like him. I got a new perspective on sex after that.
The moment I realize there's zero chance of me ending up with a guy, the relationship ends. Yeah, once I realize it ain’t love, I break up; usually by going into "ghost mode”. Lol. Grade A zone-out! Another method I use is nagging until he leaves (I become annoying; I get an attitude, then I begin to nag, works everytime hehe).
Dating has been enlightening, but I admit it gets a little tiring. It's the same cycle over and over again, getting to know someone new, same questions, different person.
"Hi" *in my thin voice* "Where are you from?", "Football or basketball?", "Flavor or Wizkid?", "Pizza delivery or dine out?", "virgin or non-virgin?"
Yup, it gets exhausting.
In all, I've decided to commit it into God's hands. I'm going to keep myself and be patient for his plans to fall into place. I'm definitely not going to date anyone I'm not crazy about from the beginning, feelings don't develop over time- at least not for me.
This article was written by an anonymous contributor. Her views and opinions are entirely hers and do not necessarily reflect the views of PGI on this topic.
This is story #3 of the "Dating Like Crazy" series (read #2 and #1 here).
Please note that this is a real story, please comment kindly. Thanks.
How to Relate with People with Walls (Hello, Jericho)
Ever so often, we run into people I call "Wallies"- people with walls; walls around their hearts, minds and thoughts and we try to be the valiant knights that blow those walls in with a canon ball.
Before you get all bombs-away on a "Wallie", remember that no one is born with walls. Walls are built from trauma resulting from bad experiences.
I used to be a Wallie and it was a means of providing the security I wanted for myself. Of course, my first line of defense was a permanent scowl, which worked quite nicely, until I met people who didn't care whether I scowled or not, they intended to talk to me anyway! *side glance*
Most walls are unconsciously built, while others are consciously built in a deliberate attempt to keep their internal environment controlled, I believe I was in both categories. I was so good at this wall-business that if anyone tried to reach into my space and obstruct my building process, I'd splatter some cement on their arm and build them along the wall. Hehe. Was it fun? Yeah! Was it lonely within those walls? Yeah, sometimes.
I remember meeting this Wallie, who I really wanted to be friends with but she had like a Jericho-type situation going on, and honestly, I wasn’t prepared to put in that much work or circle her walls 7 times till they fell down flat. I had hoped she would come out at her own time but she never did, plus, I had my own walls too. Two weird Wallies. Tsk.
By the time my walls crumbled, and I came to discover the world outside my walls, which was filled with opportunities to be sensitive to other people and their needs and to do good, she was gone.
From being a Wallie, I learnt to respect other people’s experiences by trying not to scale their walls unless I was invited. I also taught myself to put in a little more effort with other Wallies and retired Wallies!
It’s usually a good idea to respect the walls others have and not feel the need to draw them out by their hair, screaming. One day, on their own watch, they will step out or let you in, if you wait around.
What do you think about this? Are there times you think walls should be blown apart? If you have walls, what does it take for you let people in? I'd really love to hear your thoughts.
Have you read this post from our "Dating like Crazy" series? Our writer talks about dating with walls after a traumatic experience.
Real Stories #2: Her Side-Sausage And other Case Studies
The writer of this article travels a lot for work, lives in hotel rooms, meets exotic women and his adventures are based on his encounters on these travels.
"It's a man's world," They say.
"Yoruba demons are evil!" They screech.
"Beware of the beard gang", They whisper.
"He left me and got married a week later!" They grumble as they delete his photos furiously.
The idea that men are the only ones capable of inflicting any form of emotional pain in a relationship or any other stage of interaction is quite flawed. We aren't the only ones who dole out the hurt and pain- the women are not doing too badly in that department either!
"Prove it!" I hear you yell.
Like you had to ask.
Case study 1: Miss X, the Queen of Sausages
Miss X and I weren't official yet. We had been on for a few weeks, trying to "define things". At some point during this 'definition' era, she told me she was going to Abuja with her boss to meet with a potential client.
I would later come to realize that the boss and the potential client were, in fact non-existent and that Miss X actually had herself a little side-sausage up North. I admit that there were some signs I conveniently ignored and that I shouldn't have.
For example, in the first week, she kept asking to check my messages and chats. This really threw me off at first, but I didn't think much of it until later. You see, I had given her no reasons to be suspicious. Why had she transformed herself into Sherlock? Was this what I was about to sign up for? But in the end, I realized that only guilty people become suspicious for no reason.
One night, she had a little too much to drink and told me about 'side-sausage'.
Case Study 2: Miss Y, the Queen of Isiewu
Miss Y spent 2 days in my hotel room and wouldn't let me past first base. Hanky-panky couldn't have been more absent. During this time, she conveniently ran up a bill for my room consisting mainly of Isiewu, while I was away at work.
I remember standing and staring as she drove off in her uber into the warm sunset, the thick wad of Isiewu receipts in my palm. Classic Maga case, nothing to be ashamed of, Typical Mr Nice-Guy, we have all been there at some point in our careers.
Miss Y...well spoken, fun and alive, Half Swiss I recall.
I am grateful to God for replenishing my pocket.
Case Study 3: Miss Z, the Queen of Grilled fish
Miss Z…..oh Miss Z…..She friend zoned me so fast, I got wrinkles from the whiplash. The sad part was that, all through our interaction, I actually had the impression that I was making strides in a positive direction.
After all the Grilled-fish dinners (which I misunderstood as dates) and our night outs (during which she usually brought along her friends...of course, I paid), after all the trips, taking her to school(Bowen) in my official car complete with a chauffeur and police escort. The sum total of the reciprocated feelings I received were that of a 'friend closer than a brother.'
So you see, it's not just us the guys.
At first, my conclusion was that these girls ain’t loyal or were just plain evil, just like people think men are. The question is, are they really? Aren't women just as dangerous?
However, I have been privileged with the opportunity to travel for work a lot, and I've ended up with a rather eclectic romantic repertoire which I believe has given me a big picture perspective and helped me, believe it or not, appreciate women in a different way than most.
The relationship that left quite the impression was the most farfetched- so, some way, somehow, I dated an Arab lady from the Northern parts of Africa. A little unusual, but she was awesome- humble, intelligent, with a good sense of perceptive empathy, like nothing I've ever seen.
Unfortunately, "Thou shalt not be unequally yoked with unbelievers" and that’s the final say on the matter. However, I would say she definitely set the bar and helped me redefine what a relationship should be and for that I am grateful.
This article was written by an anonymous contributor. His views and opinions are entirely his and do not necessarily reflect the views of PGI on this topic. This is story #2 of the Dating Like Crazy series (read #1 here). Please note that this is a real story, please comment kindly. Thanks.
Useful posts: What girls really want from the good guys, here.
Real Stories #1 : Heartbreak and Bathroom Tiles
Part 1 : Fairy Tales
I had always been a relationship-type of girl. I don’t think I could go two months without having a boyfriend.
Not that I couldn’t be on my own, I was just a hopeless romantic and I “fairy-taled" all my boyfriends, (yes, even the drug-dealing one), until I met my own version of a Universal demon, forget Yoruba now.
He was a grade A Universal demon.
Tunde* was everything I wished for, a good-looking, well-mannered Christian. He was great at his job, could make me laugh for days, and we just clicked.
It wasn’t long before he told me he loved me, and boy, did I sleep with a huge grin and butterflies flipping my insides out with joy that night.
Now usually in relationships, I try not to get too attached, especially with family members. In fact, I avoid family members just so it’s easier to let go if things go south, that way no extra emotional drama pops up.
With Tunde, I was all in. I met the folks after about 2 months of dating him, then his siblings. They were so welcoming and when a deeply traditional family accepts you (especially the mum and sister); you have crossed the rainbow bridge of judgement (phew!). His family loved me, and I slowly warmed up to them. We went on family trips and dates together, his mum was fantastic and treated me like her last-born!
A year later, we were both over-seas for postgrad and we were in a long distance relationship. We worked really hard at the relationship. LDR wasn’t going to kill what we had. We spoke all the time, we tried to see each other every other month, or 2 months.
At the end of my program, I submitted my thesis and I decided to move to his city and be closer to him, while I hunted for a job.
One night, I get a call from my friend. She was crying and terrified that she had gotten an STD from her boyfriend, who clearly wasn’t faithful to her. I was on the phone with her for an hour. Tunde was with me and heard the context of the conversation.
I get off the phone and go on a rant about how every Naija guy wants a good girl, but they get one and can’t even treat the girl right. I’m so pissed off. I’m ranting and he just keeps looking at me, calming me down. He leaves for a minute, then comes back and tells me to sit down.
Much calmer now, I sit and I’m waiting for what he has to say. He looks at me and says ‘I need to tell you something.’ My heart sinks, but I don’t let it show.
What’s happening?
My heart starts racing, the 6 words usher in confusion and I’m on a guessing marathon of all the things that it might be. He starts talking and I hear those 4 magical words. No, not “Will you marry me?”
Instead he says, “I cheated on you”…… then everything just sort of goes blank. He keeps talking and I cut in, “Is she pregnant?” I ask.
“Yes.”
Part 2: Bathroom Tiles
I’m on the bathroom floor, locked in, in shock, numb, can’t move, at 11pm on a cold winter night and then the tears start. They start and won’t stop.I can’t even remember what I was feeling then, but I must have cried for hours, staring at the white tiles.
According to his story, his story, because that’s all it will ever be, this happened 6 months ago and it happened once. 6 months ago I was writing my final papers, practically sleeping in the library, strung up on coffee and you were screwing some girl you met at the gym, just great.
I leave the next morning, but I leave a completely different person.
I don’t think people who cheat realize how damaging it is. I think the worst thing about being cheated on for me was the shame. The shame to your friends, the shame of not noticing it, the shame of believing in a lie but mostly, the shame to yourself. It destroys you emotionally, eats at your self-esteem and your psyche.
I went through so many thoughts and yoyo- emotions from maybe I wasn’t good enough, maybe I wasn’t great in bed, maybe I became boring, maybe I should have been less this or more that. The “maybes”, “whys” and “what if’s” keep you awake at night wondering why Ursula (no jokes, she looked like Ursula from the Little Mermaid) could even be attractive to him and how many Ursula’s there were, which germs did he give you from the Ursula(s).
The family detachment was hard as well, he is their son after all, so they have to stand by him (see why I don’t do the family thing). Just a toxic mess of my fairytale.
Flash-forward to now, I look around me and see even worse happening to people. My story is child’s play compared to what some people go through.
When I ask people why they cheat, there never seems to be a reasonable answer…. Ever.
It’s still a mystery, the cheating thing… like isn’t it better to break up with the person and be free to bed hop. Some people told me to stay and forgive him, “Is it just ordinary cheating that is making you break up!” They said, “The fact that he told you himself means he is sorry.” Lol, society is fun!
Of course, I left him for good.
Dating after being cheated on, is fun too *dry chuckle*. My walls are so high that even when I like the person, I hold back. I found that guys don’t really have the patience to understand that it takes some effort to get me from behind my walls, they just move on at the slightest resistance.
I can’t blame them really, this isn’t “The Notebook”.
And while I still haven’t figured out what I am going to do about my love life, I’ve learnt to trust in God to bring the right person my way, its been almost 4 years now, fingers crossed he hasn’t been hit by a truck.
*not his real name
Disclaimer: This article was written by an anonymous contributor. Her views and opinions are entirely hers and do not necessarily reflect the views of PGI on this topic.
This is story #1 of the Dating Like Crazy series. Please note that this is a real story, please comment kindly. Thanks.
Useful posts: Get over him on a budget; The sunny-side of your breakup; How to find 'X'.
Pages by Ike's Exciting News for July!
July is almost here! I feel like it's everyone's favorite month, secretly anyway.
70% of my relatives have their birthdays in July, which you can imagine means the joyful crashing sounds of piggy banks and the popping sounds of party streamers!
July is also hotdog month in some part of the world and nude recreation month somewhere...else. *blink*
In the spirit of all the fun, I thought we could have a little party of our own here!
About July
This month, PGI will be introducing the "Real Stories- Dating Like Crazy" series, featuring real-life stories, of real people telling their funny and not-so-funny stories, most importantly sharing with us what they've learnt on their dating journey!
Our sole intention is to learn from these stories, as you know by now that Pages by Ike encourages learning and sharing; learning from our experiences and the experiences of others and sharing with others, so they can benefit as well.
About The Contributors
Our contributors are everyday people, not pro-writers. The emotions are true and their stories are unfeigned.
It has taken a lot of courage and vulnerability for these people to share their experiences, so please honor them with your kind words and laugh as you deem fit but remember these are real people with scars to show.
I appreciate them! They are truly sterling!
How can you help?
You can help by reading and sharing your own experiences and/or knowledge on the matter.
I believe one person's experience enables others to make better decisions, so please don't forget to share! Someone might need that particular story!
Schedule
Running through July, there will be two Dating-Like-Crazy posts every week, one from the girls and another from the guys, starting this saturday!
I'm too excited! Can't wait, can't wait. Can't wait. Can't wait for you, July!
Don't miss a story!
Subscribe here. Follow on IG here and send a private comment here. Oh, bloglovin' over there!