4 Long Distance Relationship mind-tricks + How to deal

Somewhere in between feeling like a third wheel on most social outings and scowling on the crowded train next to the kissing couple, you'll realize that this long distance relationship (LDR) isn't just your thing! 

No one can take away the discomfort (putting it mildly) that LDR brings but you can sure make it easier on yourself. From experience, i noticed that LDRs tend to have certain effects on the individuals involved--minds tricks that's what they are really. The distance, of course, makes you feel as frustrated as ever and begins to play games on your mind, causing you to make decisions you wouldn't make otherwise (especially #4). I've narrowed these effects down to 4 effects, because this post could easily turn into a book if I don't. Lol!

Spoiler alert for effect #2: During our LDR, probably in our 7th year, Ed and I were away from each other for a while--the longest we had ever been. By the 3rd month, we couldn't remember what the other person felt or looked like! Don't be alarmed if this happens to you, somewhere along the line you might lose bits and pieces of the events and time you shared together, but that's ok, breathe, it doesn't mean your relationship is dying. Check out #2 for tricks!

Here are 4 tricks LDRs might have on your mind and 4 neat tricks to manage them:

1. Stuck on Stag Island

Stagnant (Stag) island: that place where you want to hide under a rock and become a hermit. From experience, I can say LDR has a knack for getting you to put your life on hold, because your Significant other(S.O) is not around. You are here watching the world go by, passing on some awesome experiences and all you want to do is dip yourself in a slow, mundane cycle and sluggishly go with the motions till you see bae again.

Neat trick: Get busy and don't let those experiences pass you by (Well, not unless they cost money and you are broke). Find a hobby. Develop yourself! If you want to go to Turkey for a- once-in-life-time internship opportunity, this would be a great time to do so.

2. Forget S.O's face and features

By week 9 of your LDR, you may begin to forget features, voice tones, the tiny things that made you fall in love with S.O. True, you talk every day on FaceTime or Imo but you can't get past the virtual barricade the screen offers. Don't panic and think your relationship is over just because you can't remember the way he feels or the way she laughs!

Neat trick: Discusswith your S.O. He/she probably feels the same way and is just as spooked about telling you. Sharing this will take the load off your shoulders. A surprise visit may also be in order, if you can afford it!

Something Ed did that helped was "a letter box".  He wrote about 10 letters all sealed in individual envelopes and marked for the days I was to open them and read (P.s I love you style). *heart bubbles bursting all over my head right now* It also helped that we gave each other rich narratives of our day.

3. PDA intolerance

You suddenly become intolerant to couples holding hands and  kissing on the streets. I remember one particular couple in Trafalgar Square. They were both dressed in white clothes, top to bottom, for some reason. They wouldn't stop kissing each other! If you have me a pen and paper, I could draw and label their tongues. I saw too much in one glance. Way too much.

Neat trick: Zone out of the situation and give the couple as much space as possible. There's not a lot to do in this situation but self-pacify. Lol! If you think about it, you guys will eventually be that gross couple that everyone can draw their tongues in future. Sohold your peace and focus on the future!

4. Illegally Crushing

You begin to crush on someone who is near and isn't even cute! LDRers are lonely people and are the most susceptible to having weird, random crushes. Tut. Tut. It's the LDR hustle.

Not-so-neat trick: You have two options: (1)Tell S.O about it. Reassure him/her that it's nothing. You guys can work through it together. (2) If you are going the other obvious route-the don't-tell-S.O route, please find someone who you can trust and confide in. Be accountable. It's great to have good platonic friendships at your location to ensure you aren't lonely and are occupied! It really helps, unless they are "Jacks". Lol! I just remembered that post. I'm going to read that now. I hope you enjoyed this and that it helped! Please share with an LDRers you know! Thanks!

Hey, can you identify with any of these mind-tricks? Please feel free to add any effects of long distance relationships you might have experienced below! 

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LDR: My Sweet Virtual Valentine's

Source: IG @meganhess_official  

To all Long Distance Relationship-ers (LDR-ers) out there, this Valentine's day is going to suck...........unless you have a plan. One thing i know about being in a LDR is that, it forces you out of your comfort zone and makes you think creatively! Plus, every romantic gesture you do has the potential to earn a million cookie points! It's just the way it is. For some odd reason, receiving an unexpected bouquet or package, getting a pre-recorded video, a hand written letter just gets everything sparkly and delightful and for that day and the next few days, the world is ok for your significant other. Contrary to popular belief, you CAN have a wonderful Valentine's Day, even in a Long Distance Relationship.  Remember, you need to plan, like I said, else, it'll suck. I reiterate, the "Suck" factor will abide, mainly because you have nothing planned and all the couples are out that night cuddling, strolling, making out, or all three at the same time!

Here are 3 Things to consider during this planning:

The Surprise

All your significant other (sigO) really wants for Valentine's Day, is you. If you can, plan a trip to see him/her, make it a surprise! I once pulled off a surprise visit, i flew in from Italy on a Sunday, landed at night. Of course, this was all strategically planned. I knew Ed would be at church for about 2 hours out of my 7 hour flight and i know he eats huge lunches on Sundays, which is inevitably followed closely by a chronic case of food coma. He didn't wake up until i landed! We chatted for a while and went to bed, he was completely oblivious. The following morning, at 5AM, i got to his apartment building, ready to surprise! I was let in by the gateman, and then.......and then........and then.......I got attacked by his dog who had run into the compound, clearly perplexed by my presence. Lol! Then he had to rescue me from the dog, who I admit has always been a little jealous of me. Anyway, the visit was epic and amazing!

Strategically plan a surprise visit, it's worth 4,678,000 Cookie points!

The Gift

Since the beginning of time, the most common Valentine's Day gifts have been; Perfume, Teddy Bears, Cake, Chocolate, Flowers, Engagement rings (now we're talking, Grin)! They are all cute but sometimes, getting creative and character-specific with gifts earns you more points that the generic gifts. 

Secret: I once sent a video of myself dancing to Don Jazzy and Tiwa's 'Eminado' to Ed one Valentine's Day. This video has since been destroyed, so as not to hinder any political office aspirations I may have in the future.

Generic Gift** (gift wrapped): 900,000 Cookie points

Creative Gift: 2,570,000 Cookie points

The Date

LDRs are the best! They get you creative, I tell you! They also make you appear a little looney.

Date night on Valentine's evening is a possibility, provided you are ready to give it a try.

Dress up (yes, shoes too), order or make a meal, call Sig.O on skype, light some candles (but don't turn the lights off because you won't be able to see each other) and have a Skype date on Valentine's night! Of course, if someone walks in on you, then you'd look a tad nuts but what do they know! If you both are culinary enthusiasts, the date can begin in the kitchen! 

 What are your Valentine's Day plans? Ever planned a fun surprise visit? How did it go? Were dogs involved? Hope not!

**There's absolutely nothing wrong with generic gifts, present it properly and bump up your cookie points!

Fun bits of Phone Dating

It usually starts with your friend saying "I know this guy you might like."  You look suspiciously at her because that was what she said last month and following through on her recommendation, blind dates have now been tagged traumatic and a No-Na-ah for you. So skeptically, you eye her and ask that very question which we all ask at a blind date offer- "Do you have a picture?"

 Clearly, it follows that any one eligible for phone-dating or blind-dating be equipped wth a stash of recent pictures (taken in flattering light and with minimal editing). Emphasis on recent, no reliance on old glory, y'all. It's a very pivotal moment when that person sees your photo and either gasps(good gasp) or gasps(bad gasp). Put forward your best photos. If in doubt, ask a friend's opinion, nothing to be ashamed of, I have a friend who I bother all the time. Sometimes you think you look like your favorite Eva but you don't. You really don't. Again I say, get a friend's veto. 

A favorite bit of phone dating for me is the quality and pliancy of conversation. It was definitely more fun before social media, when we hd2abbrv8! Fun days. I guess many people think you're disadvantaged if you have to have conversations on the phone and  not face to face. Frankly, I think it helps to focus on building the intellectual communication aspect of the relationship before you meet in person, get to know him/her before the physical element distorts it all. I'm not saying that being face to face doesn't encourage intellectual roots but it does get a little distracting when you just met and you're staring into those dark eyes, in that perfect face, on this sweater-weather day, while you get all the butterflies in your tummy. Flicker goes the flame of intellect with those darn butterflies. 

Wait, random question, have you ever had butterflies while talking on the phone? I think I have! I wonder what the physiological interpretation of butterflies are. I'm going to find out and write a geeky post on it.  I'm kidding, like I write geeky posts. Hmmph.

In addition to developing roots, it also helps mute ignorance...e.g if the person uses a big word you can quickly check what in the world it means! Lol! I remember a guy once sent me a message with this huge word. My friend and I scrabbled everywhere looking for the meaning of the word so I could send an appropriate reply. This was before smart phones so I had to actually check my dictionary! .........and now I've dated myself and everyone will know how ancient I am. That day though, thanks to the ignorance-muting effect of phone dating, i was able to respond with an equally big word which took him an hour to respond to! A-ha! 

Another fun bit; phone farts and bathroom breaks.  Have you ever been on the phone with a person you really liked, early in the relationship and you need to go? As in go, like #2 go?  With #1 you can keep the person talking and mute the call so he doesn't hear you. But #2 is a hang up the phone situation. Don't try muffling the mic, muting or doing the tissue cushion trick. Hang it up. Do it. 

If nothing has been learnt from this post then let this be your take away; Your sexting screen shot is a heart beat away from becoming a meme these days. Hehe.

Date with Decorum💋

 What is your best bit about phone-dating? 

Long Distance Relationships: You, Her and Jack

Let it be known that, at some point during a long distance relationship (LDR), there are three members of the relationship; you, her and Jack.

Before we talk about Jack, let's set the stage; you and your girlfriend have been dating for some time and are cheerfully resident in close proximity, but now she has to relocate to Switzerland because she has been admitted into a graduate program of her dreams. The only thing is you are stuck here, wherever here is, with the rest of us! Hi, neighbor! 

So Switzerland; she settles in, you talk often, very often; skype, FaceTime, BB video, letters, letters in bottles, tin phones, the works. There are a few times when you promise to call but you fall asleep with your face in your dinner (the story of my life in grad school). Apart from the macaroni stuck in your left nostril, everything is fine.

Then comes Jackson. 

Jackson (or Jack), the guy who lives in the same city as she does. The guy who reminds your girlfriend how far away you are. Jack makes it apparent how often you don't call back. He shows her all the things you do wrong and all the standards you fail to live up to as a boyfriend. He makes a big deal about how you can’t make it for christmas. That’s unforgivable, he’d say, shaking his head. You don’t deserve that. He tells her.

So basically, he makes sure you look like a jerk. This he might do explicitly or implicitly. Explicitly by saying it out loud and implicitly by doing all the things you should be doing. He shows how often you don’t visit her by visiting her, frequently, sometimes he's in the background of your Skype calls!

 I don't know from under what rock Jacksons crawl out from but I am certain that there is a Jackson rock where they meet and hand out little booklets because they tend to be consistent in their behavior. He calls coincidentally when your face is stuck in your dinner. He shows up at her door with lunch/Sharwama/coffee/smoothies.....my personal favorite, friendship flowers. He doles out a couple of these famous Jackson quotes: 

"You deserve better."

"What does he mean he can't make it for Christmas?"

 "How do you know he's not cheating at this very moment?"

"If I was dating someone like you, I'd be here every weekend"

"Why do you have to go and see him, why can't he come here?"

"Wow, that's all he got you for your birthday."

"He mailed your gift?"

"If you were mine....."

The general one-size fits all response to all these statements is, "Do you not have anything better to do, Jack?", said in all sincerity. I don't know where they get the time and energy to chip at someone else's hard work.

However, no need to despair, there maybe some hidden advantages in this Jack matter. First, Jack keeps you on your toes, which is a good thing.

Second,…….there’s no second.

If ever your LDR encounters a Jack, it would be great if her conviction about your love for her is extremely firm. I had some Jacks at different times of my 6-year LDR and of course, the bull-headed side of me met the statements with retorts and general intransigence but still, i always found myself drawn to Ed at those times because i needed to be sure this Jack guy was on crack (I, in fact think one of them might have been) and i needed to know that all he was saying couldn't be validated. It's important to prove all Jack's comments void and to ensure her security in your commitment. Her mind has to be stronger than Jack’s voice in her head. The only thing that makes her mind stronger in an LDR are your words, attention and gestures. Keep the fights to a minimum. Be creative with your gifts. Be consistent with your communication. Beware of the Jacks.

Have you had any Jack experiences? Or Jackie experiences (see below)?! Even more thrilling, are you a Jack?

Note: There are girl-Jacks too, the Jackies. That's another post altogether. 

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