When Opposites Attract| What To Know When Loving An Extrovert or Introvert

So you fell in love with someone who is completely different from you. Surprise! No surprise there, actually, a good number of us find ourselves attracted to people who are fundamentally different from us. The further they are from us on the temperament spectrum, the more googly and starry our eyes become. Num.

Opposites attract; we bond over our similarities, and are fascinated by our differences. Extroverts, for some reason, find introverts mysteriously hot, while introverts find extroverts colorfully entertaining, and like the opposite ends of a magnet, *snap* we stick. This isn't always the case as you know, but you and I can agree that we know at least 250,346,000 couples living out this extrovert-meets-introvert love story.

It's awesome being with someone who is different, it provides experiences you never would have had otherwise. One of you likes to party, while the other loves the couch, then you get the best of both worlds! One of you loves to be around family, friends and even family of friends, and the other loves the company of the wall (In fact, maybe you've caught him smiling at the wall a few times) Well, best of both worlds again; sometimes, you could both hang out with people, and sometimes, you could both smile at the wall.

I took the Myers Briggs test a few years ago and it turns out I'm both an introvert and extrovert. I'm a hybrid of some sort, so that explains a lot. Lol. Ed is the star of the show because he has to know when to switch methods of loving me. I decided to write this post on how to love your introvert or extrovert because I'm a hybrid and I get the complexity of all of this. Stay with me.

First, let's get this out there—there is nothing wrong with your introvert or extrovert. If she is a couch-lover and you always know where the party is at, that's fine. There's nothing wrong with this person you love, in fact, you'll find that you complement each other quite well. If your extrovert loves to host friends and strangers at your dinner table every weekend, there's nothing wrong with that either, it's a personality type and is part of what makes him the person you love. The strangers though...(can't help you there).

In these cases when opposites attract, it's usually important to accept the person the way he or she is, cherish your similarities and celebrate your differences.

It makes your experience all the richer—walls, strangers and all. Let's assume your introvert is a "He" and our extrovert is a "She". Here are some important tips on how to love them: 

How to love your introvert

#1 Accept him (there is nothing wrong with being reclusive) Don't try to make him an extrovert, that's not who he is.

#2 Let him have his own space. Respect the space 

#3 Never criticize him publicly

#4 Never demand to settle a quarrel on the spot. Internalizing is a bid deal to introverts. Let him walk through the process. He'll speak eventually.

#5 Listen when he finally starts to speak, read between the lines and clarify after he is done communicating. Clarify after, not during, it may disrupt the internalizing and thought process and then in goes Mr. Turtle into his shell. 

#6 Make time for him

#7 Celebrate him privately (I feel like some extroverts like to be celebrated publicly as well). However, if he really doesn't like being center of attention, keep it private.

#8 Acknowledge his arrival in public with very little ruckus, nothing to draw attention!

#9 Don't let him feel left out during conversations with other people, ask what his opinion is. Acknowledge his contribution.

How to love your extrovert

#1 Accept her (there is nothing wrong with being gregarious) Don't try to make her into an introvert, she'll grow defensive and weird.

#2 Let her fly! Extroverts love to be around people, they feed off the energy of congregated parties, you might need to make some adjustments to learn to tolerate having lots of people in your space(lol)

#3 Praise your extrovert publicly and let her hear you do it

#4 Let her do her thing, whether it's to travel or hang out or host multitudes at your home

#5 Don't guilt trip her when she returns from doing her thing (very important, it contradicts #6)

#6 Support her activities. Buy her a ticket to Maui, make her multitude feel welcome at your home, party sometimes 

#7 Let her know she is the life of the party

#8 Let her know she is the life of your party (*cue* awww)

#9 Be happy to see her in private and in public and show how happy you are!

Are you an introvert or extrovert? How do you like to be loved? How do you love yours?

Real Stories #8: Notes To Read On The Dating Roller Coaster!

Hi, people! My name is .... o wait, I am supposed to be anonymous. Ike asked me to write a few things that I have learnt on my dating journey. I have written them in notes-to-self style. I hope my notes help someone else out there! Whenever you get question mark symbols floating above your head and heart about certain issues, flip back to this post, it just might help! Best wishes on that wild, dating roller coaster and holla if you see me. O wait...I'm anonymous. This anonymous thing is tricky. Hmmn.

Let's jump right in:

1. If the kissing is poor, making out will be nothing more than poor *cringe*
2. Not every relationship will end in marriage
3. Don't superimpose another relationship on yours. No two relationships are the same
4. Don’t date out of pity. You will be wasting everyone's time
5. Don’t do trial-dating either (it’s a trial because one party isn't interested)
6. Communicate. Engage. Understand.
7. Be empathetic, try to see from the other person's point of view...
8. ...but don’t drop your standards because you are trying to be empathetic.
9. Find the 'mumu*' button and use it well *grins*
10. Let your 'No' be 'No', have some self-respect and you'll avoid being taken for granted.
11. Be friends, play games, challenge each other, laugh together, be rivals, pray together.
12. Always, always express how you feel, be vulnerable, be happy, be yourself, be angry, be emotional, be irritable, be cranky, be hungry, be everything that makes you you. The sooner he knows everything about you, the better.
13. Maintain eye contact (it spells intimacy).
14. Don’t lie; some lies don’t follow you to the grave. And if you guys end up together, you might confess mistakenly.
15. If there’s anything that bothers him that you do, consider compromise, if its doable.
16. ..but don’t compromise your happiness for someone else’s. Be happy, be selfish! Muhaha. Ok, don't be selfish but understand the concept of compromise and apply it wisely.
17. If you can't imagine spending the rest of your life with him, don’t make out and definitely don’t have sex with him.

*mumu: in this context mumu means lovingly taking advantage of your S.O's affections for you. It's not as twisted as it sounds. Let's rephrase, lovingly and effectively channeling your S.O's affections for you to the things you care about so that he spends his romantic energy wisely. Take that Merriam Webster!

This is story #8 of the "Dating Like Crazy" series (read #7, #6, #5, #4, #3, #2 and #1 ). This article was written by an anonymous contributor. Please note that this is a real story, please comment kindly. Thanks.

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Real Stories #5: This Modern Princess and her Frog

I think the best part about dating is the chase! Who's with me on that? That period when he promises you everything, anything, his heart, his life, his grandma's ring and his grandma too. I love the butterflies I get in my tummy and the way my heart slams in my chest. It's amusing how much effort guys put into it. It does a lot for a girl's self-esteem and honestly I wish I could have had more "chases". 

If I could send a text to my teenage self, I'd say, "Date A lot, you sexy thing! xxx". I've dated 3 guys  in my life and I wish I had put myself out there a bit more, to improve my romantic repertoire! Lol! I am not saying one should date 10 guys or something, but put yourself out there, nonetheless!

Let's rephrase, put yourself out there, but don't kiss too many frogs either! My first frog was at 17. First and worst kissing experience ever. Ever. Ever. I know, 17 years-old is like grandma-old in make-out world.

Anyway, back to the first frog kiss. I was standing there, kissing this guy, whom I had no feelings for, with his tongue down my throat, literally! I almost gagged but I politely held on for about 10 minutes. Then the boob-squeezing began and he also started to breathe heavily for some reason. I decided at that point that it was enough and pushed him off. When I was finally alone, I remember taking off my clothes and taking a long bath. I wouldn't stop crying. Of course, I also brushed my teeth.

After that, I was done with everything; guys, kissing, frogs and boobs. Little did I know, that I would be madly in love with someone a while later. When we kissed, it felt like I was on bubbles. It was perfect. It was Heaven. Perfect heavenly bubbles. Then at some point, it all went south because we realized we wanted different things. He was very intensely "testing the waters" and thought I'd be fine with it.

Dating has taught me a few things, (1) don't settle; (2) don't be fine with a guy who "tests waters" when you are in his life, (3) don't dabble into things that have no future and of course, (4) kiss only the frogs who you have feelings for, otherwise, you'd just be kissing a random frog and we all know that's yucky.

This is story #5 of the "Dating Like Crazy" series (read #4, #3, #2 and #1 ). This article was written by an anonymous contributor. Her views and opinions are entirely hers and do not necessarily reflect the views of PGI on this topic.Please note that this is a real story, please comment kindly. Thanks.

My 7-year old nephew is visiting and he has been loitering around me because he saw the title! Lol! This is not the fairytale you think it is, I've told him but he doesn't believe. He reads quite impressively too.

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Relationship Canapé 002

#2 Celebrate each other's successes and triumphs, whether big, small or teeny!

This study shows that responding to your significant other's (S.O) good news, such as an achievement or a promotion, with positivity and genuine enthusiasm, is a great ingredient for a successful relationship. True, your ideas of things worth celebrating may differ, however, if it matters to S.O or puts a smile on his or her face, guess whose face should actually reflect that smile?! Yup, even if you aren't having such a good day yourself!

Learning to be a better S.O every day!

Psst! When last did you celebrate something together? Do you do this already? Tell us! Tell us!

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Real Stories #4: Whao, Karma!

Girl: Are you breaking up with me?

Me: You just deserve better than what I have to offer.

GIrl*colour gone from her face*

Me: You are too good for me. I don’t think I could bear to hurt you.
Me *insert sad face*

In reality, what I was trying to say to this girl was “Move... Get out the way, get out the way! I just found someone else and she’s unbelievably, nerve-wreckingly hot! So I guess it's over!” Before you classify me as a jerk (which you have already), let me pacify you with the news that it came back around eventually.

But first about me, I’m your typical everyday guy, I love football, love to hang out, a pretty good swimmer and a seasoned dater. Dating has been quite the journey, a bit of a roller coaster with some smooth-sailing and some intermittent, crazy nose-dives.
I’ve dated every type of girl- the sweet, the crazy, the beautiful, the moody, the drop-dead gorgeous, the older woman, the under-cover pretender (long story). I have nicked, swiped, shoplifted a few girlfriends from their boyfriends. I’ve never been a side-dude.

Well, dating has been quite the experience. I’ve noticed that whenever I do get serious and I try to give my all to a relationship, and not be the guy in the dialogue above, something usually goes colossally wrong! Hmmn. I wonder why?

I had been with a girl who I was really serious about for about 3 years and this was most probably going to be 'it' for me. One bright morning, she arrives at my place of employment, before I get in, waits around the premises until I arrive and tells me that it is over— after 3 years of being together. Just like that! She actually took a bus and a keke-marwa to my office and probably got there about 7am for the announcement. Such drive! The break-up speech took place inside my car and my colleagues kept waving at us and knocking on the passenger’s window to say hi to her.
“How cute!”, They must have thought, “Lovebirds cooing in the morning.” The hopeless romantics must have wished for a love so deep.
In reality, my behind was getting very dumped. So yeah, it came back around.

I’ve learnt a lot from my experiences; with the older woman, I learnt that women are timeless and eternally beautiful, with the same insecurities, hidden passions, secrets and knowing smiles. Yup, secrets. She also forgot to tell me she was getting married and refused to pick my calls after.

I’m much older now and my most important lesson learnt is that you must always involve God in your decisions and dealings. Now, I pray more for my spouse-to-be, than myself, even though I’m not married yet. I’ve learnt to accommodate women and their excesses and I have come to understand that phrase, ‘some things are better left unsaid’ alot better.

These days I’m out there, looking for a ring and figuring out the best way to propose to the best thing that ever happened to me!

This is story #4 of the "Dating Like Crazy" series (read #3, #2 and #1 ). This article was written by an anonymous contributor. His views and opinions are entirely his and do not necessarily reflect the views of PGI on this topic.  Please note that this is a real story, please comment kindly. Thanks.

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Real Stories #3: I'm Not In Love But Don't Tell 'Em

My last boyfriend had a big head, that was a huge problem for me, pun intended. He was also short. I liked him though and we had some really good times together...maybe even my best times! He was generous, a true giver. He cared about me, doted on me and took great care of me…well...until he remembered he was still into his ex.  He’s with her now.

I was hurt but I know he wasn't "the one". He never gave me the "blood rush" or the excitement people who are in love claim to feel; the heart-wrench, the hand-touch jolts, the unforgettable kiss, the butterflies. No, we definitely weren't in love, that I am sure of.

I was hoping we would eventually “learn to fall in love”. Is there anything like that? Do people learn to fall in love? Do feelings grow? That’s usually how I approach most of my relationships; I hope the feelings grow out of infatuations...never works. 

I know what you are thinking, “Why get into a relationship with someone you don’t really like?” Umm…peer pressure, maybe. Yeah, I definitely cracked a little under all the peer-pairing pressure. Everyone is getting into relationships and I think I should too, it just seems like the next best thing.

One time, I dated yet another guy who I didn't like so much (as usual), I honestly don't know what I was doing with him. He was a teeny bit appalling to kiss. The first time we had sex was the worst ever! It was so bad that I decided to keep myself since we broke up. I just couldn't believe I was sleeping with him, I didn't even like him. I got a new perspective on sex after that.

The moment I realize there's zero chance of me ending up with a guy, the relationship ends.  Yeah, once I realize it ain’t love, I break up; usually by going into "ghost mode”. Lol. Grade A zone-out! Another method I use is nagging until he leaves (I become annoying; I get an attitude, then I begin to nag, works everytime hehe).

Dating has been enlightening, but I admit it gets a little tiring. It's the same cycle over and over again, getting to know someone new, same questions, different person.

"Hi" *in my thin voice* "Where are you from?", "Football or basketball?", "Flavor or Wizkid?", "Pizza delivery or dine out?", "virgin or non-virgin?"

Yup, it gets exhausting.

In all, I've decided to commit it into God's hands. I'm going to keep myself and be patient for his plans to fall into place. I'm definitely not going to date anyone I'm not crazy about from the beginning, feelings don't develop over time- at least not for me.

This article was written by an anonymous contributor. Her views and opinions are entirely hers and do not necessarily reflect the views of PGI on this topic.

This is story #3  of the "Dating Like Crazy" series (read #2 and #1 here).

Please note that this is a real story, please comment kindly. Thanks.

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Real Stories #2: Her Side-Sausage And other Case Studies

The writer of this article travels a lot for work, lives in hotel rooms, meets exotic women and his adventures are based on his encounters on these travels.

"It's a man's world," They say.

"Yoruba demons are evil!" They screech.

"Beware of the beard gang", They whisper. 

"He left me and got married a week later!" They grumble as they delete his photos furiously.

The idea that men are the only ones capable of inflicting any form of emotional pain in a relationship or any other stage of interaction is quite flawed. We aren't the only ones who dole out the hurt and pain- the women are not doing too badly in that department either!

"Prove it!" I hear you yell.

Like you had to ask.

Case study 1: Miss X, the Queen of Sausages

Miss X and I weren't official yet. We had been on for a few weeks, trying to "define things". At some point during this 'definition' era, she told me she was going to Abuja with her boss to meet with a potential client.

I would later come to realize that the boss and the potential client were, in fact non-existent and that Miss X actually had herself a little side-sausage up North. I admit that there were some signs I conveniently ignored and that I shouldn't have.

For example, in the first week, she kept asking to check my messages and chats. This really threw me off at first, but I didn't think much of it until later. You see, I had given her no reasons to be suspicious. Why had she transformed herself into Sherlock? Was this what I was about to sign up for? But in the end, I realized that only guilty people become suspicious for no reason.

One night, she had a little too much to drink and told me about 'side-sausage'.

Case Study 2: Miss Y, the Queen of Isiewu

Miss Y spent 2 days in my hotel room and wouldn't let me past first base. Hanky-panky couldn't have been more absent. During this time, she conveniently ran up a bill for my room consisting mainly of Isiewu, while I was away at work.

I remember standing and staring as she drove off in her uber into the warm sunset, the thick wad of Isiewu receipts in my palm. Classic Maga case, nothing to be ashamed of, Typical Mr Nice-Guy, we have all been there at some point in our careers. 

Miss Y...well spoken, fun and alive, Half Swiss I recall. 

I am grateful to God for replenishing my pocket.

 

Case Study 3: Miss Z, the Queen of Grilled fish

Miss Z…..oh Miss Z…..She friend zoned me so fast, I got wrinkles from the whiplash. The sad part was that, all through our interaction, I actually had the impression that I was making strides in a positive direction.

After all the Grilled-fish dinners (which I misunderstood as dates) and our night outs (during which she usually brought along her friends...of course, I paid), after all the trips, taking her to school(Bowen) in my official car complete with a chauffeur and police escort. The sum total of the reciprocated feelings I received were that of a 'friend closer than a brother.'

So you see, it's not just us the guys.

At first, my conclusion was that these girls ain’t loyal or were just plain evil, just like people think men are. The question is, are they really? Aren't women just as dangerous?

However, I have been privileged with the opportunity to travel for work a lot, and I've ended up with a rather eclectic romantic repertoire which I believe has given me a big picture perspective and helped me, believe it or not, appreciate women in a different way than most.

The relationship that left quite the impression was the most farfetched- so, some way, somehow, I dated an Arab lady from the Northern parts of Africa. A little unusual, but she was awesome- humble, intelligent, with a good sense of perceptive empathy, like nothing I've ever seen.

Unfortunately, "Thou shalt not be unequally yoked with unbelievers" and that’s the final say on the matter. However, I would say she definitely set the bar and helped me redefine what a relationship should be and for that I am grateful.

This article was written by an anonymous contributor. His views and opinions are entirely his and do not necessarily reflect the views of PGI on this topic. This is story #2 of the Dating Like Crazy series (read #1 here). Please note that this is a real story, please comment kindly. Thanks.

Useful posts: What girls really want from the good guys, here.

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Real Stories #1 : Heartbreak and Bathroom Tiles

Part 1 : Fairy Tales

I had always been a relationship-type of girl. I don’t think I could go two months without having a boyfriend.

Not that I couldn’t be on my own, I was just a hopeless romantic and I “fairy-taled" all my boyfriends, (yes, even the drug-dealing one), until I met my own version of a Universal demon, forget Yoruba now.

He was a grade A Universal demon.

Tunde* was everything I wished for, a good-looking, well-mannered Christian. He was great at his job, could make me laugh for days, and we just clicked.

It wasn’t long before he told me he loved me, and boy, did I sleep with a huge grin and butterflies flipping my insides out with joy that night.

Now usually in relationships, I try not to get too attached, especially with family members. In fact, I avoid family members just so it’s easier to let go if things go south, that way no extra emotional drama pops up.

With Tunde, I was all in. I met the folks after about 2 months of dating him, then his siblings. They were so welcoming and when a deeply traditional family accepts you (especially the mum and sister); you have crossed the rainbow bridge of judgement (phew!). His family loved me, and I slowly warmed up to them. We went on family trips and dates together, his mum was fantastic and treated me like her last-born!

A year later, we were both over-seas for postgrad and we were in a long distance relationship. We worked really hard at the relationship. LDR wasn’t going to kill what we had. We spoke all the time, we tried to see each other every other month, or 2 months.

At the end of my program, I submitted my thesis and I decided to move to his city and be closer to him, while I hunted for a job.

One night, I get a call from my friend. She was crying and terrified that she had gotten an STD from her boyfriend, who clearly wasn’t faithful to her. I was on the phone with her for an hour.  Tunde was with me and heard the context of the conversation. 

I get off the phone and go on a rant about how every Naija guy wants a good girl, but they get one and can’t even treat the girl right. I’m so pissed off. I’m ranting and he just keeps looking at me, calming me down. He leaves for a minute, then comes back and tells me to sit down.

Much calmer now, I sit and I’m waiting for what he has to say. He looks at me and says ‘I need to tell you something.’ My heart sinks, but I don’t let it show.

What’s happening?

My heart starts racing, the 6 words usher in confusion and I’m on a guessing marathon of all the things that it might be. He starts talking and I hear those 4 magical words. No, not “Will you marry me?”

Instead he says, “I cheated on you”…… then everything just sort of goes blank. He keeps talking and I cut in, “Is she pregnant?” I ask.

“Yes.”

Part 2: Bathroom Tiles

I’m on the bathroom floor, locked in, in shock, numb, can’t move, at 11pm on a cold winter night and then the tears start. They start and won’t stop.I can’t even remember what I was feeling then, but I must have cried for hours, staring at the white tiles.

According to his story, his story, because that’s all it will ever be, this happened 6 months ago and it happened once. 6 months ago I was writing my final papers, practically sleeping in the library, strung up on coffee and you were screwing some girl you met at the gym, just great.

I leave the next morning, but I leave a completely different person.

I don’t think people who cheat realize how damaging it is. I think the worst thing about being cheated on for me was the shame. The shame to your friends, the shame of not noticing it, the shame of believing in a lie but mostly, the shame to yourself. It destroys you emotionally, eats at your self-esteem and your psyche.

I went through so many thoughts and yoyo- emotions from maybe I wasn’t good enough, maybe I wasn’t great in bed, maybe I became boring, maybe I should have been less this or more that. The “maybes”, “whys” and “what if’s” keep you awake at night wondering why Ursula (no jokes, she looked like Ursula from the Little Mermaid) could even be attractive to him and how many Ursula’s there were, which germs did he give you from the Ursula(s).

The family detachment was hard as well, he is their son after all, so they have to stand by him (see why I don’t do the family thing). Just a toxic mess of my fairytale.

Flash-forward to now, I look around me and see even worse happening to people. My story is child’s play compared to what some people go through.

When I ask people why they cheat, there never seems to be a reasonable answer…. Ever.

It’s still a mystery, the cheating thing… like isn’t it better to break up with the person and be free to bed hop. Some people told me to stay and forgive him, “Is it just ordinary cheating that is making you break up!” They said, “The fact that he told you himself means he is sorry.” Lol, society is fun!

Of course, I left him for good.

Dating after being cheated on, is fun too *dry chuckle*. My walls are so high that even when I like the person, I hold back. I found that guys don’t really have the patience to understand that it takes some effort to get me from behind my walls, they just move on at the slightest resistance.

I can’t blame them really, this isn’t “The Notebook”.

And while I still haven’t figured out what I am going to do about my love life, I’ve learnt to trust in God to bring the right person my way, its been almost 4 years now, fingers crossed he hasn’t been hit by a truck.

*not his real name

 Disclaimer: This article was written by an anonymous contributor. Her views and opinions are entirely hers and do not necessarily reflect the views of PGI on this topic.

This is story #1 of the Dating Like Crazy series. Please note that this is a real story, please comment kindly. Thanks.

Useful posts: Get over him on a budget; The sunny-side of your breakup; How to find 'X'.

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