4 Things I wish I knew on Dating Boulevard
It would be so great if we all had a map, compass and a picture of "The One", as we walk down Dating Boulevard (DB); better yet, if we had Google maps and the red pin was where the one was at!
Wouldn't it be bliss, if Dating Boulevard was a ruly, civil road free of crazy people; if it had traffic wardens so we don't get run over by those same crazy people. The interesting thing is we DO have wardens, we just don't pay them any attention; friends, family, even ourselves. Sometimes, your inner self is like "There's something odd about this guy; his long, curly lashes and his slow blink and the way he stares directly into my soul. Careful." Yup, we have self-checks. Then the emotional part of your brain goes,"......*sulk*......But he stares into my soul and give me butterflies and my heart is beating like a jungle drum!!! Rroo ka do ka do goong ka do ka roo doong."
We ignore our warden and then BAM! Curly eyes runs you over with his heartbreak-mobile.
Clearly, this lady has been more successful on DB
I got on dating boulevard pretty early, so I've had my fair share of run-overs. In no time did I realize I had to learn to be street-wise. I had taken a couple of wrong turns, jay-walked aimlessly and ended up at someone else's red pin.
I admit, i did meet some interesting people along the way but still wish i was a bit more savvy. Here are 4 things I wish I knew on Dating Boulevard:
1. Develop your bullshit-o-meter
54% of the time you can tell if a person is being dishonest. Pretty good odds. More than half of the time, you can tell a jerk from a true catch. O, what needless heartbreaks we bare, because we do not develop our bullshit-o-meter. I definitely could have avoided some miss-road situations and curly eyes if I had developed mine. I could have cut them down by 50% ! Pay attention to your wardens.
2. Know when to cut your losses and jaywalk
Hanging on to someone who clearly wants nothing to do with you is an absolute life retardant. If you think about in DB terms, it's actually stalking. Lol. Find someone who makes all effort to make YOU happy and then respond accordingly. Your happiness comes first, look out for yourself. The streets ain't loyal.
3. Do some research on curly eyes
I think one of the most exciting things about dating is the tingling excitement and manic butterfly episodes that happen in our tummies. Still, research and scrutiny are your best friends. Don't try to kill the butterflies, just scrutinize according and keep your own happiness formost. Find out about him, his past. Knowing if he's a serial-heartkiller helps tremendously, don't you think?
4. Let "the one who got away" get-the-heck away!
There's probably some crazy science behind craving the one who got away. Pause while I go find out ---- haven't found anything, if you do, please let us know. Ok, so i seem a little intolerant of the ones who got away. They just tend to do more ruffling than anything else. They confuse and cause unhealthy doses of nostalgia. You keep running into him on every corner of DB. Keep moving. No second glances, no detours, otherwise you run the risk of missing your red pin!
Sometimes the one who got away is a blessing and "away" really is where he belongs!
Any "curly eyes" experiences? How do you (or did you) survive Dating Boulevard? Share with us!
Accountability Post: Garri vs Salad
This is my accountability post. The one where as the writer of a life-hack blog, I give account of the better decisions I have made recently.
First up, The Garri/Salad dilemma.
I never thought i'd say this but last night, I chose a salad over chilled garri. I don't know if it was a mood thing but I think I really might be making better life decisions! *crickets* Ok, so the jury is still out on whether I made the right decision there but still, I was proud of myself.
Better decision in a bowl 💋
Next, The Young&Restless Fix.
Last week, I stilled my tongue and refused to gossip about this amazing Young-and-Restless type intrigue and drama situation, not even with Ed. We have both decided not to gossip about other people with each other. My will-power muscle was stretched on that one. Everytime I felt the urge to say something, I just looked to the side, out the window and minded my own business. Minding my business is so cool though, all the stuff I can achieve in that time..........
Next up, kicking procrastination in the mutz (not a typo and also not a word)
I've been giving procrastination a knee in the mid-area. It deserves it and much more. Now, I'm trying the trick of breaking my tasks in to smaller, more manageable tasks. Also, studies show that if you start a project, your brain will prompt you to finish it, more like nag you, because it needs the closure, it needs to see that the task can be ticked off as resolved. I'm trying it and it's working. The trick is to start and the trick to starting is to break the huge task into teeny bits!
What great decision have you made recently? Nothing is insignificant. Good decisions should be celebrated (hence the garri celebration), whether it's putting the phone down and resisting the urge to flirt with an ex, paying back debt quickly, letting go of grudges, choosing not to be stuck in a random relationship, understanding your place with God, passing on garri, choosing not to complain or remembering to shine your light!
Share with us! What awesome decisions have you been making?
Life Hack: Repetitive, Loveless Sex and other stories
“It is obvious what kind of life develops out of trying to get your own way all the time: repetitive, loveless, cheap sex; a stinking accumulation of mental and emotional garbage; frenzied and joyless grabs for happiness; trinket gods; magic-show religion; paranoid loneliness; cutthroat competition; all-consuming-yet-never-satisfied wants; a brutal temper; an impotence to love or be loved; divided homes and divided lives; small-minded and lopsided pursuits; the vicious habit of depersonalizing everyone into a rival; uncontrolled and uncontrollable addictions; ugly parodies of community. I could go on.
This isn’t the first time I have warned you, you know. If you use your freedom this way, you will not inherit God’s kingdom.”
Yet again, the bible nailed it! NAILED IT! So apt, i could close my eyes, whirl my finger and stab the screen and be 92% sure that i'd hit something i can relate to. Those are all the not-so-fun things that happen when we do our own thing and ignore God, when we live by our own plans.
Stuff goes wrong when i go my own way
Each one is amusingly and painfully true, I don't even know where to start. Ok, maybe line 9: "the vicious habit of depersonalizing everyone into a rival." That moment when you irrationally believe none of your friends should drive a BMW like you or be as successful as you are (Beep. Rival alert) or that moment you meet a nice looking lady and you conclude that she's trying to steal your husband (BEEP!) LOL! Borderline cuckoo-cuckoo. This is what happens when we don't spend time with God and let our minds run amok and be ruled by our emotions instead of His spirit. Good news though, we hacked the "frenzied and joyless grabs for happiness" problem (line 4) in a previous post.
It all ends here; God gives us freedom, the way we use it is completely up to us. If He had his way though, you would love and be loved, not be trapped in a cycle of repetitive, loveless sex with some random person; you'd be delighted every second of your existence, rid of all mental garbage; you'd dream big and achieve greatness; you wouldn't be subjected to addictions, no porn-lovin', no drugs. If He had his way, we wouldn't hoard cheap trinkets, in other words, our idea of value wouldn't be so limited; values like the number of double taps on IG pictures or friends on FB. He'd rather load us with pearls, chrysolites, amethysts, sapphires and crazy-sounding gem stones we've never even heard of; He'd hook us up with higher standards of value. We wouldn't depend on the validation of people or the need to identify with a group, instead, He'd be our identity, He'd be our contentment and joy and he'd be our treasure.
Give him a chance, you've got nothing to lose.
Just for a second, go over the quote again. What part of it jumped out at you?
Proposal- And she said 'No'
So you are in a restaurant, having dinner with him and the waiter has brought in dessert. You are mildly distracted by a message on your phone. In a moment, your boyfriend is on his knees with an open ring box.
You freeze, other customers are smiling, some are applauding, the waiter is beaming, (probably because he's up for a big tip after you say "Yes".) You look at him(your bf, not the waiter), as in, really look at him....it just doesn't feel right AT ALL. You don't see yourself with him in 50 years or even in 7 months. The answer is a definite "No", but how do you say "No" with all these people watching?
Whoever heard of the girl who said "No?!!!"
Fear not. We have. Well, we are about to; a study shows 1 in every 4 women turn down a marriage proposal. Less than 25% of those women end up regretting that decision. I guess the other 75% were right on the money when they said "No can do, bro."
The study reports that the women just didn't think it felt right; the proposal, the guy...everything. The famous feminine intuition kicked in! These girls were able to see past the unexpected proposal with the glitz, glam and serenading waiter; the glimmering ring and the crowd and say "No."
It's admirable making such a solid decision under so much pressure, understanding that the course of your life hangs on to whether you are "too nice to say No" or "too shy to say Nah-ahn in front of a crowd".
To be honest though, it's awkward saying "No" in public; the guy would probably be traumatized eternally. I guess you could say "Maybe", then a "No" later. Right?
Could you ever say "No" in public to a proposal?
Forget "Love After War", Try This!
Spats, brouhahas, quarrels, disputes, rhubarbs; why do words synonymous with misunderstandings sound so unattractive? Especially brouhaha! It just doesn't sound like something you want to do every night.
The great thing about brouhahas for most people is the "love after war" i.e make-up sex.
Leading to the "love after war", of course, is the fight itself, which primarily consists of extended hours of pouting, frowning, sizzling retorts (which you may later come to regret), frozen-cold shoulders, silent treatments, sulking, well-thought-out speeches, pretend-laughs at memes (smh), calling up random friends to fill the silence, crying (women .......and men alike), cutting remarks etc.
I often wonder, what's the point spending all the time crying and being malicious? What's the point calling friends you don't really want to talk to at the time? No point sulking and doling out hurtful remarks and laughing at memes intentionally till your jaw hurts. One thing I learnt from Lily and Marshal on the show, How I Met your Mother, was, talk and relate during your quarrels, hold hands! Make plans, kiss, even if you are mad at each other! It's the same person you'll be kissing in an hour, so what difference does it make? Honestly, everyone should try it; kissing while upset. It's so weird and probably healthy, like Greek yogurt!
Make-up sex/ "Love After War" has had its day. Love DURING war is in! It's just so much more unnatural and fun. Every bit of you your pride kicks against the idea. It takes ALOT of will-power. It takes a lot of humility and probably a little psychosis, just maybe.
Don't get me wrong, makeup sex is great! What's even more interesting is love during war. I haven't made my point but you get it anyway! Greek yogurt.
Anyone into Love During War? Ever tried kissing while upset? Comment below!
xx
Letters to my Great-Granddaughter: Sexual Dividends(#TBT)
Dear Charly,
"Any man who truly loves you will wait for you." This was what my mum told me. We had heard that so many times and no one was listening (being in the new millennium and all, Woohoo Y2K! Ultra-throwback). It was year 2000 and all everyone wanted to do was have sex before the world ended.
Me, I was a mama's girl (rarer than the famed "mama's boy" ), I actually listen to my mother (sometimes). Of course, I pretend like I don't and give her a good argument, but I do listen. Anyway she had given me this bit of perspective when I was about to start dating. This consequently meant I didn't have to have sex if I didn't want to. It meant, I control the sexing in every relationship (not the guy) and if I didn't want to, no guy was going to pressure me and sulk his way into my awesomely lacy underwear. This was great! This truly was the key to dating, I could date as many men as possible and not be called a slut. I would find my ideal emotionally mature man, intellectually stimulating, crazy fun, people/ family lover, a bit of a foodie and adventurous. And *drumroll* I didn't have to invest any sex! It was genius (partly because I was icky about getting all body “fluid-y” with several men. One, was really all I needed).
This is not an instructional letter. Today, I’ll just tell you how it is and what I did. It’s completely up to you to decide.
First thing to know, Charly, is this: SEX is an INVESTMENT.
Investment
/ɪnˈvɛs(t)m(ə)nt /
noun.
An act of devoting time, effort, or energy to a particular undertaking with the expectation of a worthwhile result:(Oxford dictionary)
Sex requires devotion of time, effort and energy (if you are doing it right anyway); Shave, wax, lingerie (dolly, kinky, lacey, silky), kegels, sext, contraception (patch, pill, sponge, needle), condom (ribbed, not ribbed, latex, non- latex), Lube , imagination, spontaneity (car, shower, alley, basement), mental-winding on days you really don't want to. All these, with the expectation that he will find me awesomely wonderful and eternally indispensable, that he would be unable to imagine his existence without me and pop the question one day! This was the "worthwhile" result.
What were the odds that this would occur? How many guys would I have to have sex with before I finally got one who would pop the question? Would sex guarantee me a proposal or at least something steady? I really had no idea and I am not one to take random risks. This is where forty hours of my risk analysis and management class kicks in. I wasn't ready to invest sex into any relationship that wouldn't yield superb, tangible and sustainable results. True, I had needs. You probably do too (as much as I’d like to believe you don’t, being my little Great grand daughter and all). This wasn't about needs. It was about whether at 35 years old, I’d still be creeping out of a random guy’s room at 4 AM doing the walk of shame, or even worse I’d wake up in mine and he’s gone.
I decided. No sex. True, we’d make out. Up-against-the-wall-furniture-shifting make-outs (I didn't tell you this). However, no sex. If he did love me, he’d have to wait in line while I analyzed the relationship and its potential for growth. So with my perfect man criteria in place (mentioned above), I created a timeline:
Month 1: Meet boy (no sex)
Month 2-5: Get to know boy (no sex) aka probation period
This was the most intense time; the probation period. The main activity was research; his family, his Exes. Does boy have a drinking problem, cheating history, anger issues? Does boy need sex for this relationship? Is boy willing to wait till we are married? If he is, well, good for him, he could channel his sexual energy into hunting or some other activity. This was usually always the most sexually tense period. It wasn’t easy but you know what else isn’t easy? Getting over a breakup with a guy you were sleeping with. I had to be focused.
Month 6: Dating (No sex)
Probation extension. I have standards. Do not fall short, boy.
Month 7/8: (No sex)
At this point, the relationship is probably strained from too many fights and no sex. Muhahaha. Boy begins to come undone. Boy and I. On the brink of bliss or disaster.
Month 9: (No sex)
Tsktsk. Boy has cheated. Boy is acting up. Flirting with anyone and everyone. Boy thinks I'm oblivious.
Month 10: Goodbye, boy. On to the next.
Ten months. Difficult but effective. Heads up, just in case you try to do this, this won’t work if you are idle. Be busy at school, work, community projects, church. Do not trust will-power. My will has its strengths but resisting physical intimacy isn't one of them. I had to aid my will by selecting men appropriately and by self-branding (Dating and Business school really are connected!). He had to understand what I was about and know for certain that the sex thing was not off and on the table. It was off, far off.
I'm no super- woman here, I invented it because it makes sense and I had to protect myself……. from myself. I am my own greatest specialist in joy- sabotage.
Another reason I listened to mama was the fear of ending up with the wrong man, who I couldn't let go of because I felt attached to him. That would be selling myself short! I had seen it too many times. My train of thought usually was: If I meet him, have sex with him, then discover he's no good but I can't leave him because sex and its hormones make me feel bonded to him, tied to him, then I’d be in a pickle. An avoidable pickle (those are the worst pickles). Oxytocin, vasopressin and endorphins; the hormones of deception. They collectively make you feel attached to the guy, like there’s something monogamous about what you just did, helps you feel secure, soothes you and binds you. I guess in retrospect, the only reason older people tell you not to have sex is because of the effect of those darn hormones and the false sense of security they bring.
So Charly, if you have never had sex before and you plan to wait till you are married, make sure you have a good reason for doing so (told you all of mine). If you started already, humour me and try the ten month trial period on a guy. Let’s see if he makes it to month five.
Love,
Greatgran x
This post was previously published on our old space, feistyphi
Abi's Story | Married to a Jerk
Nabal, i think, might have been the most notable jerk in the bible, other than Judas, of course. Nabal was also married to one of the coolest girls ever recorded- Abigail. I mean, for David to have married her as a widow, it must have meant she was pretty cool or she was severely endowed. Endowed with whatever made David tick....probably, virtue........Yeah, right! Grin.
If you don't know the story, you could read it here. I had always imagined David marrying Abigail because he pitied her, because she was old and raggedy with creases on her face, cloaked in grey; because no one else would want her. That was not the case, the bible actually says she was quite the hottie and when the bible calls you a hottie, you best believe.
Unfortunately, she was stuck with this less-than-desirable man, Nabal.
It was a typical "How-did-a-beautiful-girl-like-you-end-up-in-a-dump-like-this?" situation. What makes the story unique is the familiarity of the situation. We all know an Abigail; one girl stuck in a "dump-like-this", stuck with a fool. It happens all the time.
Abi, somehow makes dump-situations quite promising, mainly because she ends up with David, another hottie. Most importantly, Abi makes this life of hers a bit more bearable by making the best of her dumpy-situation, without ever imagining she would ever come out of it. Sometimes, we think we are in bad situations and so we'd have to live dreary, miserable lives where we mope all day or distract ourselves with social media or Game of Thrones. She was very aware of Nabal's folly and its potential for impending doom and was able to manage it very well.
I think there are many things to be learnt off this woman, whether we are married or single; dating or not, dating fools or not, married to Nabals or not. She wasn't just a pretty face, not at all, she was endowed, like i said with so many "virtues". On a more serious note, here are 6 things to learn from this girl, Abigail. Here they are below:
1. She was very prepared for NABAL's stupidity
It would appear Nabal did stuff like this often enough, so, at some point she must have acquired wisdom and would counter his folly often and swiftly. He was rude and literally a fool. It's sad to think people like that exist, even worse to think amazing women are stuck with them. Get wisdom and get understanding. They are the most universal currency you'd ever know. They would save your life and set you on the path to destiny, in Abi's case, her wisdom set her on the path to becoming queen.
2. She was approachable to her servants
The servants could talk to Abi. She wasn't stuck up and lofty. By contrast, Nabal was. His servants called him a brute and called him unapproachable. Our subordinates should find us approachable, not perceive us as the kings and queens of tyranny. Take care of people in lower ranks and be friends with them. They may save your hide and hook you up, again, with destiny.
3. SHE DID NOT PROCRASTINATE NEITHER WAS SHE A G.O.T FAN!
Not kidding, if that was me, David might have killed us all. I might have said to the servant who reported the situation to me, "You do realize, Game of thrones is on right now. I'll go and meet this David person right after I find out if Jon Snow is dead for real." She did not procrastinate or take situations lightly. She was also quite informed about David and she knew he was an fugitive. She had probably seen him on TV. I guess that means we should watch the news and not just GOT.
4. She sent the servants ahead with the food
Dang, this girl though. She sent the food first. Your gift makes a path for you. This shows us not to be stingy, to know how food pacifies people (yup) and how to deliver gifts (with humility). Then she appeared right after the food had been delivered, probably not too bad looking either. She was the dessert.
Was that too much?
She was the dessert though....eventually.
5. She saw david's potential
Note these were David's broke days, like Chris Gardner (In Pursuit of Happiness kinda broke). David's hustle was too real but she saw he would be great, despite it. She saw substance and potential. She wasn't clairvoyant, she saw because she had substance too! She wasn't superficial or drawn to wealth, maybe she used to be and ended up with Nabal and now had come realize that money couldn't buy many things (in the case of Nabal, common sense). Her values had probably evolved with depth, as should ours.
6. She spoke into his life (ok, officially my fave girl in the bible)
Abi spoke into David's life and he literarily burst into a song and began to praise God. That's deep and you need to think about that. She spoke words of life into his being and evoked praise from him.
Now looking at Ed while he's asleep and I'm thinking about speaking words into his life even as he sleeps. Maybe tomorrow while he's awake. Nope, I'm going to do it right now.
Speak life into his being.
xx
The Green-Eyed Monster (featuring Kermit and Thor)
Envy stems from a dissatisfaction with the present circumstances of our lives, in light of the progress of someone else's.
One minute, we love our jobs, our cars, our engagement rings, our apartments and houses, the next minute not so much, because that other girl's job is so much more glamorous, it takes her to places with names you can't pronounce, her engagement ring breaks your screen when you see it on Instagram, her boyfriend looks like Thor, her car looks like the Jetsons', her apartment must have been fork-lifted off of @InspireMeHomeDecor. Suddenly your stuff looks so raggedy and ancient. Suddenly, your boyfriend looks like Kermit.
Envy starts with that subtle conscious or unconscious comparison of what we have with what belongs to someone else. Then we begin to wish it was ours. We wonder what makes her so special. We wonder why we are so unlucky. You wonder how a girl like that gets all that stuff and a girl as hardworking and morally superb as you gets.....this.
Why in the world do we spend time comparing our lives with that of others? Why do we let the good fortune of others so easily upset our state of contentment? Why do we let it ridicule all we have obtained and worked so hard for? We let it exhaust our effort and cloak our accomplishments.
One thing I know is that envy needs your permission to do all these things. Another thing I know is envy puts a cap on your capabilities! I can't decide if that is a corny line or if it sounds good. Lol. It's the truth though, it puts a cap on it, air-tight and all. It limits your achievements to the standard of the person you envy. You'll never do better than that person. Think about it, what if we are destined for more than what that person has? What if we are destined for an amazing ever-after with Kermit-bf or a way more fulfilling job? What if Kermit-bf hooks you up with a nicer ring eventually? What if?
In Ancient Greece, envy was frequently associated with illness. The Greeks compared envy and jealousy with liver disease, during which bile is overproduced in the liver, turning the patient a little green. They may have found envy so ailing and debilitating that they came up with the expression "green with envy".
I agree that envy is a disease. Your immunity to it, however, is contentment and realizing your path is unique; that your life's plan which God drew out is the most optimal plan, any other plan would be substandard.
So do you have that friend who has it all together; great job, smart, talented, stylish, Thor-Idris hybrid of a boyfriend and all the things you wish you had? If you don't, you should get one. It's a great opportunity to learn to be delighted for another person's good fortune, a chance to overcome the green fluorescence of envy. When you finally do, you'll be a better person than you ever were.
Have you hacked envy? Please tell us how!
Don't forget to enter for the give-away!