#NoFools2016
“Become wise by walking with the wise; hang out with fools and watch your life fall to pieces”
#Nofools2016 #NothingPersonal
What If Someone Refuses to "Forever Hold His Peace" at Your Wedding?!
You know that scene in the 81st minute of a love-triangle themed chic-flick, where the couple, minister and guests are in church and the minister goes "if anyone can show just cause why this couple cannot lawfully be joined together in matrimony, let them speak now or forever hold their peace" and there is silence. The groom is hoping some random baby mama doesn't show up and the bride is whispering "God, please!!" inaudibly?
Suddenly someone's hand shoots up and disrupts the entire wedding
Well, in the movies, it's usually someone saying how much he loves the bride and then they leave the groom-to-almost-be standing at the alter. They run into the sunset and the crazy audience begins to applaud. You'd know that the movies are scripted and NO ONE ever wants a disruption at their wedding!
When the minister said this statement, at our wedding, the room fell quiet, I probably muttered, "God, please!", like 12 times. Then, the videographer recording the event suddenly swings his camera to the audience, hopefully expecting some yummy-sushi-like drama!! He was sorely disappointed, he reluctantly turned the camera back to the altar. LOL.
4 Hilarious Things my Mum Taught Me
I love my mum and if you knew her, you'd love her too. For decades now, all we who know her have tried to understand the way her mind works but we can't. We've given up on the extent of its complexity. However, I do attribute my sense of humor to her. Here are 4 things she taught me while I was growing up that crack me up whenever I think about them:
"Eye Kinesis"
From an early age like most African kids, I learnt the art of "eye kinesics", which is the communication of thoughts and feelings through a system of arbitrary signals mainly through the pupils and eyelids and the eyes in general. This usually took place when other people were around and I was being naughty and mum couldn't vocalize her thoughts.
I'd look at her and surely there would be a message there; whether I was trying to accept a gift I knew I shouldn't be accepting or eyeing the guest's Fanta (Fanta is my weakness), or pestering her about wanting to go to my friend's house in front of guests (who ever used this trick?)
Anyway, she would dish me some eye-kinesis.
It was always like those old Asian movies, where the camera zooms in suddenly on the master as he stares directly into the camera with an accompanying smacking sound, then a sudden close-up at the student with a random-"hmmph!" sound. Lol
Mom miyagi-ed me into understanding that it was possible to understand another individual without speaking!
It's remarkable that mum would look at me and I would understand instantly exactly what she meant. I could even hear her voice in my head. Even more awesome, flashes of the things to come, a glimpse into the future if I disobeyed her signal; smacks evermore.
Boob Heads-up
"If you let a boy kiss you, he WILL feel you up."
Mum taught me this at about 14.
Mama taught me that if you let a boy kiss you....he will reach for your girlies. By girlies, I mean your breasts. I always cringed at her bluntness but she was right. Indeed, it seems this is how the masculine mind works: lips connect....right hand/left hand activated (or both, God help you).....up,up, land on boob tarmac.....pause.....wait for resistance or slap.....none....feel 'em up! Mum is hardly wrong, yo!
But how did she know? Hmmmm
Intelligence Gathering
Mum taught me that if I want to get information from my spouse or child, 5AM it is!
5 AM, mum is sitting next to me on my bed and talking. Then she begins to ask specific questions to obtain the information.
"So, what is that boy's name? The one that called you? What does he do? " "Doesn't he have anything to do during the day, other than to be calling you all the time", "Don't let him touch you o.........or has he kissed you?", "You know if you let him kiss you........."
Then I begin to confess like a witch. Lol! The best time to collect intelligence is between the hours of 5 and 6. It's amazing, this skill, of course there is a method to it. You disarm all crankiness by praying softly for your subject at first. Once they are disarmed, softly ask away.
CIA, you guys should employ her. Her skill would be an irreplaceable asset.
"Chill baby girl"
Mum has taught me to chill. Not everytime work, cook, clean, scrub, drive. Sometimes, chill. One of the things that baffle her is the marked difference between the aging process of couples. Men don't get old fast, women do, she says that all the time in Yoruba, "Okunrin o kin gbo o." Truly, I've noticed that women do look older than men as they grow older. She's of the opinion that looking older than your husband at any given time is a No-No! So hire someone to do these things on occasion and chill baby girl. Chill.
What fun things have you learnt from your mum ?
6 Environmentally-Friendly Tips for your Wedding
It's 2016 and we all owe it to our planet to be environmentally conscious and 'green', right? Loving the earth every day and taking care of it is our responsibility, even on our big days! Many people give it very little consideration because we are a little preoccupied with the perfect cake, perfect flowers, the 9-foot chocolate fountain and the ice sculpture of you and bae standing under the Eiffel Tower or some other landmark of considerable importance. No one cares about the earth on their wedding day! I definitely didn't care. I didn't think my own event contributed to any environmental degradation, but it probably did, for one, the cooks in the backyard cooking with firewood so we could get the authentic jollof rice taste and aroma may have made a little contribution. That rice though....😍
Now seeking ways to right my wrong but Earth, you and I know jollof rice ain't jollof rice without firewood. So we have to find a middle ground. A "smoky-flavored jollof rice" seasoning might be the solution; Nestle, Unilever, I just dropped a product development pitch in your lap. BAM!
Ok, things went jollof-centric suddenly. Back to the reason for the post; here are a few things to consider when planning a "green" wedding.
Electronic invites
Paper wedding invitations are pretty (most of them, anyway) and are tangible, which are their main selling point. Although, thought should be given to electronic invites. They are instant; no wait times and are paperless. You and I know where paper invites end up; fending off soldier ants in the rainy season- ablaze; as make-do dustpans and in less dramatic parts of the world, I guess they just end up in the shredder. I know how long it took for me to make a decision about my paper invitation cards, to think that's how they ended up, lol, yup, I should have done the e-invites. Two e-invite platforms that make very pretty, chic invites are paperless post and labellecarte.
Wedding dress(es)
Do you really need two dresses? If you do, Make sure your second dress is beautiful and practical enough to join your wardrobe subsequently. Reuse makes the earth happily green.
Bridesmaids dresses
To all the bridesmaids out there, I got you. Let your bridesmaids choose their dresses, there's a higher chance they'd pick a dress that could be reused for other occasions with little or no modifications. Pretty Dresses= Happy bridesmaids= Reuse= Green wedding
Favors
Are your favors useful? Yes? Are they useful short-term or long-term and unique? Honestly, if I could trade in all the plastic fans favors that accumulated in my house in 2005 and the wall clocks in 2008 for a kobo, i’d be writing in my beach house somewhere on the Pacific. Favors are given with the right intent; to honor the bride and groom while giving out a gift to the guests. Give out favors and souvenirs that are useful and unique.
Gifts (registry)
Get people to spend wisely by setting up a registry with things you actually want and also to avoid duplicity. Many-a-wall-clock strewn around the homes of newly-weds, when they actually would like a pressure cooker.
Flowers
Use fresh flowers from the bouquet as potpourri. Even though the bouquet falls apart after the toss most of the time. If you have them all around reception area, potpourri is a good idea! Here's a link on how to make potpourri!
Here are more tips for the hard-core nuptial environmentalists.
Have a wonderfully green wedding and if you are throwing rice as confetti, remember to sweep it and eat it for dinner!
Lol!!! I'm kidding! I'm kidding! I just had to.
xx
12(plus one) Marriage Turbo Buttons for 2016
Sometimes, marriage might feel like an airplane; complete with turbulence, smooth flying, being stuck in a confined space with someone who farts (*blank stare*), cruise control, altitude changes. Fun stuff, this post's focus though, is on being stuck in cruise control. If you feel like your marriage went a little passive in 2015 or before and it could do with a little "-umph" and some engine revs, you should try hitting some turbo buttons. Trust me, you won't regret any of these suggestions and if you are into New year resolutions, this works perfectly. If you aren't, of course, you don't have to wait till 2016. You can start now! Hit those turbos!
1. The "Naked" Button
Sleep or cuddle naked more often, it causes the release of oxytocin which gets you a-bonding, even tighter than before!
2. The "Shorter fights" Button
End those fights quickly. There are just so many other things to be doing, see Button # 8!
3. The "Deal with it" Button
Resolve deep-set issues, the types you both know but never feel like dealing with. Yup, those bad boys, they morph into problems down the line.
4. The "Nag-less" Button
Nagging kills. It does. No joke. One minute nag-nag-nag, the next, ploop on the floor.
5. The "Turnt Up" Button
Party with bae! Dress up, go out. Celebrate each other. Studies show couples who celebrate eachother's achievements are happier! Party!
6. The "We-time" Button
Create time for challenging activities with one another. Do all the stuff you tagged eachother on IG in 2015, saying "Relationship goals" or "This could have been us."
❤️
7. The "No plus One" Button
Also known as "the No third parties" Button. Deal with your issues yourselves, even if you need to lock yourselves up in a room and sort the issue(s). Two is better than one and trust me, two is better than three.
8. The "BURN IT DOWN" Button 😏
Burn it down, very often*. 2016, your year of steam, sparks, lights and everything torrid and heat-related.
9. The "Better me-Better us" Button
Becoming a better version of yourself has a positive effect all around especially in your relationships. Get self-help books and media supplies.
10. The "Flirt" Button
Flirt shamelessly publicly and privately.
11. The "Media-off" Button
Turn off the tv, toss the phones, share a bottle of your favorite beverage and giggle/chuckle/snort all night.
12. The "Game-on" Button
Play a game together (I'm algorithmically challenged, so Ed beats me at all video and phone games. Almost all games in fact, all but Basketball! Hehe!
13. The "Thought bubble" Button
Think about bae. Studies show thinking about your romantic partner increases your energy levels! So get those thought bubbles up and running, then, you'll get more energy for #8!
What are your improved relationship plans for 2016? Do you do these already?
That Time I called up an Ex
As someone who has a healthy ex-life, I've had a couple of ex-related epiphanies for reasons far beyond me. Not necessarily the best kinds of epiphanies too; usually a muddle of bad ideas with good intentions. One of the less catastrophic ones though, was the time I drew up a list of people I wanted to apologize to because I had been a little insensitive at the time we ended it.
So like Adele, I started this Ex outreach program. Lol.
Now with every epiphany comes the light bulb, a smile, a raised forefinger and the general feeling that it's a good idea; it won't take you long to find out it's not. It's literally is as disruptive as going to a graveyard and digging up old decayed bones and then caressing them.....just because. One thing I can say is, exes like Adele and I are looking for trouble; calling someone after so long, looking for closure or looking to apologize for doing them wrong is just not ideal.
Back to the Exes' outreach program. I wanted to apologize because I had been naughty in the past (said that already) . The plan was to apologize via text (I know, I know, the cowardly way) and make peace. So, I started with the first name on my list, (picture me digging up bones and caressing). He apparently thought I was trying to get back with him and that i was flirting, so he proceeded to 'flirt back'....intensely. Cringe. Ever so intensely, it was disturbing.
Yeah, that definitely pulled the brakes on my apology list. Never got through the rest.
In Adele's case, she was looking more for closure, than anything else; yeah, equally a bad idea. I've never really been a fan of seeking closure from another human being. It would mean that I can't live a normal life until I have their 'OK'. Example, imagine an ex cheated, would it make any sense if you lived your life chasing after him to find out why he did it? Err...Nope. Your closure is in your head. True, you ran into a less-than-satisfactory individual. Fine. You learn your lesson, you move on, you live joyfully ever after. Finito!
Anyway, I love "Hello", I sing it in the shower, behind the wheel, I pop out from behind walls singing,"Hello, it's me" to Ed; I've seen the video about 20 times, watched about 50 covers, over 29 memes! So yeah, I love the song. I'm sure it sparked a crazy ex-calling-frenzy since October. If you are thinking about joining the frenzy, just remember; caressing bones!
Have you ever pulled an Adele? Thinking about pulling an Adele? Any "Hello...it's me's?" Share, o please share!
Did anyone notice the guy in the video wouldn't just shut up? He kept talking and talking until he got dumped. Lol.
Note to self: He who talks too much will eventually be left in the rain
My Top 3 'Hello' Covers! (It sounds so good when guys sing it)
Hello by Ciuffi Rossi (O these amazing Italian guys! Yay, Italia!)
Hello by Taps Mugadza
My Friend, Diana's fave cover
Hello by Omawumi
5 Things to Know When Your Unofficial Girlfriend Is Engaged to Another Guy (2)
In the last post, we tried to pacify the men out there who lost their unofficial girlfriends to a more 'vocal-about-us' type of man. I mean a kind of man who doesn’t wait for her to ask the “What are we?” question; the kind of man who just puts it out there on the table— the words, I mean, a man who in a couple of weeks/months, he puts out a ring on the table too. Then *poof* she’s gone.
You see her proposal on Instagram and since then Chris Brown’s “These **** ain’t loyal” has been on repeat.
Guys, you really have to make your intentions known, 21st century or not, otherwise, it will get conjugal all up in there, and guess who won’t be invited? You!
I’ll be honest, till you put a ring on it, girls these days consider themselves free agents (no thanks to Beyoncé and those two backup dancers, raising the bar for men and expectations for women to where it should be, thanks Bey).
Some men have reported feeling ‘used and dumped’ after this experience. Sigh. We hope you feel better after finding out about all the forces and laws at play, when that whole pseudo-dating thing was going on with you and her. Included also is a possible explanation to the mystery of how she translated so quickly into someone else’s Mrs.
These 5 laws at play are my opinion. If you have more theories, please share below in the comment section! Here we go.....
The Law of Eeny Meeny Miny Mo (aka the Law of Alternatives)
Men, don't you ever think you are the only contender. There’s a legion, for they are many. There are many guys after this girl. If she gave you some of her time and then you left her buffering, leaving her unsure about how you feel about her, wrong move, mate. In every decision making process, alternatives are considered. She got engaged two months after because she had alternatives who were CLEAR about their intentions! You gave her away to the Plan B guy. Tsk!
The Law of Assumption
Men, do not assume because you kissed, you suddenly are exclusive. Nope, means nothing on the long run without an explicit expression of your emotions and intentions. Be explicit, otherwise, you'll find yourself sitting in the back table of her wedding reception with some uninvited strangers stuffing their bags with food.
The Law of Inquiry(or the lack of it)
Girls, if you don't know what's going on. Ask. There's nothing unbecoming about being informed. These aren't the days of Jane Austen, when your mum probably had to ask what the man's plans were. Open your mouth and ask that question : "Are we officially in a relationship or not?". Remember to get an answer and not a stand-by suggestion.
And if he laughs at you for asking the "what are we?" question, you know what it is.
Best time to ask the question, is when he tries to kiss you for the first time. Put your palm in his face and ask what in the world he is doing. “Why are your lips here, bro? What are we?”
Hullup, hullup........
"What are we?"
The Law of the "Sharp guy"
Be advised that the world doesn't stop just because you can't make up your mind, men. No one has the time to waste, not the girl and not the sharp guy who snatched her from you. Ain't nobody got the time, at all. If you refuse to tell her how you feel, she will be engaged in two months.
Na wa o.
I know, right.
The Law of "Not Carrying last"
Girls, be sure that after leaving a guy who has said absolutely nothing about how he feels about you, you don't jump into a rebound relationship. Please be careful to end up with the right person. A marriage proposal doesn’t require you to give a positive response all the time. Take your time, shun society's pressures, familial pressures and Instagram wedding photo-pressures. Eyes off everyone, just do you.
Photo Source
5 Things to Know When Your Unofficial Girlfriend is Engaged to Another Guy
Here's a fun story:
Boy meets girl. Girl falls deeply in love. Like deep, DEEP, like she fell, FELL (repetition for emphasis); so deep that she breaks every single bone in her body (If you said bone, BONE, you're a genius).
So anyway, girl falls hard and boy falls too. They are in this beautiful place where they can't get enough of each other. They are always chatting and tagging; laughing and teasing; hugging and kissing.
However, because it's 2015, boy doesn't quite make clear what his intentions are.
Let's all pause and think about a guy we know who does this as a habit.
[Got a name? Ok, insert the name every time you see 'he']
"It's 2015" he says, " No one makes being official a big deal. No one asks a girl out anymore. It's 2015!"
Now in boy's mind, he thinks he has a girlfriend or some derivative of a girlfriend. He thinks they have an unstated understanding of exclusivity.
Girl, on the other hand, is dying to ask the "What are we?" question but is pretty conflicted on the inside; she doesn't want to seem too desperate, she thinks she's a 2015 girl too, so she doesn't really need a statement of commitment; then there are those stupid memes that make girls who ask that question seem stupid. She really really wants to know, she needs to know but she still doesn't ask.
Their relationship begins to dwindle. Soon, they drift but still do not quite end it officially......because of course, what's there to end?
Here's the punch line:
Two months later, girl is engaged!
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone....🎧
I've heard this story, one too many times. I decided to write a post on it because I know the girl in this story is usually looked upon as a branch-swinging monkey, jumping from guy to guy, in a record amount of time, to achieve her new marital status. I am here to defend the girl....and the guy.
To all the disgruntled men who have been ditched by this girl, please understand that this situation was beyond your control. Psych! No it wasn't! You were very much in control of this situation. In fact, everything was hinged on your decision to publicly declare that you wanted to be in a relationship with her. How easy would that have been? Say,"Would be my girlfriend?" Seriously, say it out loud. See how easy that was? Better late than never, huh?
15A.D, 2015, 2030, 2078, the Jetson-age, doesn't matter, you have to make your intentions known! We all wish you said something to her but now she's married or engaged.
......It's not warm when she's away.......🎤
I know you are kicking yourself every night as you think about her and you're thinking about pulling an 'Adele-Hello' on her; thinking about crashing the wedding; thinking about stealing the bouquet before the ceremony starts; thinking about raising your hand during the "forever hold your peace" bit.
I sympathize genuinely, I do but she had to do what was best for her.
Bet you have some questions though like, what happened? How did she get over you so fast? Was she dating someone before? How do you explain this sudden engagement? Is she a branch-swinging monkey?
All these will be answered in the sequel......*drumroll*
......Ain't no sunshine when she's gone and she's always gone too long, anytime she goes away🎤 ........More like forever