18 Questions and Weekend Chill with Skip!
We all know Skip, right? Our reader, who i suspect might be a secret writer in his spare time, who sends me letters at will and on the most interesting topics. When i read his first letter, i must have spent about 2 weeks, trying to figure out a reply. He sent me this recently; this fun, easy read with more rhetorical questions than a grumpy grandpa could have! I don't suppose i'll reply and attempt to turn this into a battle of wits. I loved it and wouldn't stop laughing! To the Yes/No questions, i think my answer was 'Yes, probably!' to all. Lol. Which is your favorite question? Thanks, Skip! Enjoy your weekend, Everybody!
Dear Lix,
What do you do when somebody wants to kiss you but you don’t want to kiss them back?
Have you wanted to kiss someone so bad but they didn’t want to kiss you at all?
Were you ever busy kissing someone and they wanted you to stop because all of a sudden they don’t want to kiss you anymore because now they want to kiss someone else?
Did you ever get tired and didn’t want to kiss anymore, but the person you’re kissing is still keen on kissing but you want to kiss someone else?
Have you ever been in the process of kissing someone in what you thought was an extremely passionate moment, and you kind of slightly open your eyes and they are wide-eyed staring at you like ‘waris dis one doing?'
Why did you kind of slightly open your eyes?
How do you handle being left high and dry mid-kiss?
What if you were kissing someone and you like it, so you promise to keep on kissing, just them forever and ever, but you’re a promise and fail and you change your mind, not necessarily because you found someone else to kiss, but you just don’t want to kiss them anymore, is that wrong?
Sometimes after they promise forever and ever, they just stop kissing you without any explanation, now you don’t know what to do with all this shimmer on your lips, how do you deal?
Have you ever found yourself wanting to kiss this certain person, but not anymore, but sometimes and at other times, but not all the time, and then you want to, but then you don’t want to, so you stop, and you start, and they don’t do it right but you like their face?
How do you tell someone you’re currently kissing that you’ve found someone else you like kissing better, so you’d like permission to start kissing that someone else full time?
Is it really important to ask someone if you can kiss them before you start kissing them?
If you kiss them without asking, and they don’t push you, but then they’re not actively, really kissing you back, but you’re fine with it because you’re kissing them anyway, is that ok?
What if you didn’t ask if you could kiss them, and when you start to kiss them, they start to scream at you and push you and try really hard to get your mouth off their face, what does this really mean?
Why do some people want to be kissing more than one person at the same time?
Why is it that some people are never satisfied even when they say they are? You kiss them all they want and "every-how" but they still want to kiss someone else?
.....So this person starts to kiss you and it’s oh soooo good, then you see pre-wedding pictures, and they’re getting married next month, what the hell?
On your sofa.
Skip
Better than the Side Chic
Kids have the "tattletale" code. Guys have the "guy-code". We, girls have the much less popular and less reverent "girl code". It isn't exactly what you would refer to as binding. I assume it's because we, girls do not exhibit the in-group bias*. It's an every-woman-for-herself situation we have going. Men and children definitely defend one another devotedly within their in-groups. Proof 1, my husband never spills about his friends. Proof 2, my nephews and nieces (all below age 7) never tell on each other. Girls, enough said. We need a code! We need to stop gossiping about each other, hating and trying to out-slay one another. Most importantly, we need to stop poaching other sisters' men. Really.
The Man-Poach Ban
Poach(pōch)
intransitive verb
1: to encroach upon especially for the purpose of taking something
2: to trespass for the purpose of stealing game
(Merriam Webster)
If you need to ask whether a man is fair game, he probably isn't. Men hardly leave their wives for mistresses. They all have the same story about how they ended up with the wrong woman, how she's so awful and he's going to leave her. Unfortunately, we can't make men act right. However, we, the women can act right and protect each other by not poaching.
I met this guy one day, during my lunch break at a restaurant close to work (before i was married). There he was, sitting there, attractive, ring-less and he was staring at me. That made me smile.
He obviously took the smile as a 'come on over, brother'. And he did, slow and measured. He had done this before. I could tell. His eyes, dark, locked on me, Yoruba-demon style, confident and sure. It was exciting but it was also mildly unsettling. My pulse throbbed against my tightly fastened watch. This was going to be trouble. I had come to know men and developed a 'bullshit' sensor. The faculty that perceives the external stimuli of BS.
Just to throw him off, I got up to leave (of course I paid the bill), he followed me. Few pick-up lines later, he asked for my number. I said 'No', but said he could give me his [this is the best way to get a guy to leave you alone]. He wouldn't let me go till I promised to call him that evening. I conveniently and intentionally forgot.
The following morning, my C.O.O at work calls me into his office (What?! Why?!; My thoughts). I show up and he says he got a call from one of our clients who met me yesterday (my mind is scrolling fast through my directory of faces from the day before). Then ding, it hit. Restaurant guy! C.O.O then asks me to please establish contact with the client, completely oblivious.
The guy, Collin (not his real name) had called my C.O.O to ask for my full name and my details and now I had to see him on executive orders [He also left his number (again) just for good measure].
I'll admit I was impressed, I felt more than special. He actually went all the way up the organizational ladder to get my attention. It was going to be a disaster. You know that moment when you meet a man who wants a steady relationship and a deep, meaningful thing (bells, whistles, streamers, slow-mo)..... and you know that moment when you meet the "others" (sound of crickets). He was the others, with a crown. So, guards up, sentences short, I called him at lunch time and that was all he needed. He started texting, calling, showing up outside my building once I got off work (he worked like two buildings down), surprise lunches. My friend wouldn't stop gushing about how sexy it was that he called an executive to get me to call him. She couldn't believe i wasn't biting this bait!
Then, not long after, I discovered he was married. Someone at work knew him, it wasn't much of a shocker. All I really could think of was his wife. This is not me being self - righteous but my mind literally put a woman together (complete with painted toe-nails), threw in some kids and some guilt and we had the perfect 'clear-off cocktail'. I cut off completely, lost his number, and blocked his calls (thankfully, we hadn't engaged full social media communication).
It turned out his family was in another state and he worked in my city, occasionally. So, I was to be the silence-filler/bed-warmer/bar-buddy. Well, he never had the pleasure.
He kept calling though. I changed his number to "Don't pick ever" (I was a little dry on wit,i know, I should have been more creative).
It wasn't my problem if his wife was awful, was a demon, was cheating or even Maleficent! They took vows, both of them, not three of us. Maleficent has nice cheekbones, he could suck on that.
We, girls, are so perfect in every way and left-overs just shouldn't do. We are beautiful, smart, sexy, nurturing, loving, creative, cunning (this has its good side), emotional (this also), fun, resilient, devoted, great hard workers, soft but tough, stubborn but yielding, silly but wise. Perfect.
So why be a side-girl? We all deserve a wonderful man, a great life filled with memorable years that take our breaths away. With realizing this comes dignity.
This dignity teaches us to respect the lives and stuff of other sisters.
Your thoughts are completely welcome! Are you trying to get out of an unhealthy relationship, this might help? If you'd like some help, click here!
*in-group bias: means to give preferential treatment to a group you have identified with.
(Previously published on old blogspace)
How to Make Eye-Contact without Getting Kissed
Making eye contact during a conversation increases the quality of your conversation by at least a hundred percent. It's one of the most powerful non-physical connections we, as living beings, could have. People who are able to make eye contact, are seen as confident, trustworthy, interesting, (as well as interested) and they are generally perceived as amicable. Now, it’s not the easiest feat, this eye-contact business. It takes a lot of conscious determination and practice, for those who are working their way to adopting it into their lifestyle.
I remember when I was learning to maintain eye contact during conversations, i would look into the person's eyes for as long as i can, then give my eyes a break by letting my eyes fall lazily to the person's lips and i'd watch the person's mouth move as they spoke, then look back into the person's eyes..........whatever you do, do not use that technique ever! One day, i was talking with this guy and i kept doing that eye-lip stare, the next thing i know, he's leaning in to kiss me! I guess i should have expected it. I probably also had plastered on my lips a default zoned-out smile. Smiling at another person's lips with a smile and a distant look is like waving a Fuschia flag, yelling 'Kiss me'.
Since then, I've tried to maintain just the eye contact, no more lazy eye-lip glares. Making eye contact and maintaining it makes conversations more personal and engaging, enabling both parties to benefit from the conversation maximally. That's what you want, beneficial conversations....... not kiss-attacks! Below are some tips that helped me learn to maintain eye-contact, hope it helps!
- Put away the phone, that's number one! It wasn't number one a decade ago but it is now. Eye contact with your phone during a conversation isn't pleasant.
- Look straight into the person's eyes, whether a cashier, interviewer, friend, until you notice the person's eye color and then say to yourself, 'Her eyes are green!' Remain in that space for as long as you can, while listening, break the eye contact for a split second by looking at something else (not the lips), then look back into her eyes.
- Also you might want to avoid complimenting the person's eyes unless you are trying to get kissed with that as well! Gosh, the mistakes I've made!
- I've found that giving a firm handshake at the beginning and leading the conversation or at least being active in the conversation works with maintaining attention and eye-contact.
Try these out and in no time, you'll be staring everyone out of this galaxy! Try not to stare too hard though. It gets creepy after a while. Umm, and remember to blink.
How well do you maintain eye-contact? Do your eyes wander all over the person's face? Please comment below! Commenting just got easier!
Side-chic Rehab: How to Slay that Heartbreak
This one is for the side-chics.
The ones who took the brave leap of partition and said 'I'm done with this ish', and bravely broke up with that predatory man who constantly chose someone else over them.
Congratulations!!! No one has probably told you and you may not feel it just yet, but you did the right thing by breaking up with him! You saved everyone a lot of misfortune including yourself, you do not want to be on a scorned wife's to-do list, trust me. It only ever results in undignified cat fights or sometimes, more hazardous encounters. Here are some tips to help through your transition. I hope it helps:
Heal
It probably hurts as much as any breakup, so it's great to cry. Cry all month or year, if you want. I hope you have a friend who knows the whole story and is willing to be there for you, without rolling her eyes as she hands you the tissues. However, keep in mind that side-chics receive little or no sympathy from people, so don't expect any.
Forgive yourself
You have come to the decision either by your own volition or by coercion, understanding that living without him is ideal, that shows a lot of courage. If for a long time, you have hated yourself for it, it's time to forgive yourself and let it go. Lesson learnt moving on.
Forget closure
Closure is over-rated, don't bother trying to find out why he did it or why he wouldn't leave his wife for you. Don't try to reach out to his wife either. No, sending her an apology is not a good idea. It was never between you and her. They are a unit, regardless of what he said about her. She doesn't need closure from you. If she needs closure, she will get it from his apology or whatever way they sort their issues out.
Just retreat and lick your wounds (for all eternity, that expression would always sound gross). The great thing about life is that licking your wounds is not as gloomy as it sounds. You could amuse yourself with a purchase or travel somewhere by yourself, eat some exotic street food on the upbeat streets of Marrakech or some fine dining at L'Ambroisie, umm or at home on a paper plate.
If you are on a budget, you are in luck! Read here for budget/heart break tips.
Now to the fun part!!!!! His gifts. What to do?
So now that you are out of the relationship, it's time to give out that Cartier watch and the Marco Bicego necklace. I know we all want to keep the stuff, right, but items have a way of reminding us of every moment and shared breath. You really want to give them out. If you are considering burning them, especially the car, consider other options (no point being dramatic and ruining the ozone). Find someone who is sorely in need. Hopefully someone you don't see too often and just hand them over.
No one ever takes this advice lol so it's ok if you just hid your Ferragamo purse in the back of your drawer when you read this tip.
Time to rebuild those bridges
It's time to get in touch with all the people you broke ties with because they wouldn't support your side-chic status; mum, siblings, friends etc. Try spending time around friends and also people who are in need or hurting and find ways to bring them joy.
Come to mama, fishes in the sea
Get out there! The good news is there are oodles of men on the planet. The better news is there a specific guy for you out there who is currently unattached! The bad news is he might be buried in a haystack. Here's a post that could help with finding him!
Acquire some good judgement
Good judgement and prudence will do you a world of good. It definitely will prevent you from making the same mistake twice! How do you acquire good judgement? The best sources are self-improvement books. Just google "Books on good judgement" or just download a bible! That works. Note that it's a continuous process and requires practice.
Remember to do something meaningful for people around you. Being more sensitive to the needs of others is the best way to deal with pain within.
What to do with your libido?
I wish I knew. If you weren't having sex with him, well, great, it usually takes a lesser time to get over a man you weren't sleeping with. If you were, it might be time to find three hobbies. Why three? Well, one active, one semi-docile like painting or beading or sewing and one in your community which involves helping people. You might also want to avoid risqué material. Just saying.
Side chicks are forever despised by society and the recovering ones need a place to go. Pagesbyike is your go-to! We take everyone contrite❤️ .
Any advice for retired side-chics? If this helped you, please comment below. You can be anonymous if you want. Just sign in and fill in 'Anonymous' as your name! Are you considering dumping a guy who has you on the side, we can help!
Mum, on the matter of Eloping with Dimeji
When I was in primary 2, I was going to elope with Dimeji, my crush. We had it all figured out too, after school that day, we would meet at the Mobil petrol station closest to my house at 4pm, with all our things, including our toys and disappear forever!
We were two 4 year-olds.
When I got home, I was stoked. I started packing! I couldn't tell the time yet, so I'd ask anyone around what the time was and smile knowingly to myself, counting down the hours.
At some point that evening, mum and I had a little disagreement, so I blurted out that Dimeji and I were running away this evening anyway, and pouted.
She must have laughed for a full 10 minutes. Then she said, "He's probably eating beans at home and taking a nap. When you are ready, I will take you to Mobil."
I didn't believe her though. How could Dimeji be eating beans?! He was probably packing his clothes and stuff into his Warner bros. backpack.
I asked my siblings to take me to Mobil. I had to meet Dimeji! He would be waiting! Why didn't they understand? What was so funny? No one took me, I was so sad. I kept imagining him standing at Mobil being bullied by bus drivers and taxi drivers, waiting for me with our survival gear; toys, clothes and maybe a packet of biscuits. I packed my flute too, you know, for entertainment and all.
In school, the following day, after assembly, I walked up to Dimeji to apologize for not showing up, it was my family, they just wouldn't cooperate! Would he like to try again?
Dimeji couldn't even remember that we planned to elope!
Was he kidding?! Mum was right, he probably was eating beans and chilling when he got home, while I spent all evening packing and trying to get to my rendezvous!
That was my last memory of liking Dimeji. I immediately moved on. How could he not even remember plans we made just 4 hours before? He was severely crushed but i wasn’t very forgiving. Plus this was before science validated males as the more forgetful gender!
So to Dimeji's wife or significant other, and to all the women out there really, don’t be mad at him if he forgot your anniversary and the song at your first dance. Science has proven that men are more biologically forgetful than women. Dimeji, that was no reason to ruin my only chance of eloping though!
By the way, just because science validates the fact doesn't mean forgetting her birthday and elopement schedule is acceptable! Any Dimeji experiences or justification of this habit? Please comment below! Plus is your mum eerily right almost always?
9 Things you didn’t know about Women (#7 Though)
Just when you thought women couldn't get any more complicated, here are 8 things (plus one) you probably didn't know about them. Enjoy and identify below!
#1 We are happier when we gain weight
This study shows that women reported an increase in mental quality of life when they gained weight; another case of our biological setup working against us. Lol! Fun.
#2 We are gold diggers and proud. Whatever!
Women like men with the prospects of resources, can you really blame us, no? Blame it one our biological setup (again), it's how we are wired. Women seek men who are able to provide for them and their offspring. It's only logical that we'd be gold-diggers, only a little bit, yes, even if we make our own money.
#3 We love us a man who wears red
Not like a ridiculous all-red outfit, but just one piece of apparel that's red. In a study where female subjects were shown photos of the same man wearing a blue, grey or red shirt, most women reported that the guy looked most attractive and sexually appealing in the red shirt. Red is associated with power, dominance and status. There we go again G-digging.
#4 We like a little "girl-envy"
Apparently we shop to show off to other females and not to men. This I couldn't believe, it makes sense though, a girl would go, "wow, you have the new mulberry!", a guy really might not notice lol. Women are more likely to give a specific, educated compliment, so i guess it foloows that we would want to dress for such "educated" compliments. I like dressing for me though! I compliment myself already!
#5 We mark our territories too
It has been discovered that women are able to draw borderlines around their partners and spouses when they carry expensive labeled handbags. A study shows that when women see another female with a pricey handbag on one arm and a man on the other, she crosses the man off her potential sugar-bae list.
#6 We think men who do chores are hot
Don't ask. While it sounds like a fine case of reverse psychology, it's true and we can't argue with stuff science proves. So men, hehe!
#7 We attracted to men who look like dad
Studies show women who have good relationships with their fathers, tend to fall for a pop-look-alike. Lol! I don't want to talk about it anymore. Lol
#8 We act like we don't need mentors
A study shows women are more hesitant than men about asking to be mentored. This could be for several reasons, maybe the misconception that other women don't like to help subordinates get up the work ladder. It's not entirely a misconception, I've experienced that first hand. There are women who have a problem with helping others out of insecurity and other personal reasons, but there are some who don't mind. It's important to find a good mentor. We need to be more proactive with reaching out to women in higher positions, it's been proven that mentored professionals have a higher chance of success.
#9 Working mothers are more productive than their peers who have no children! Who knew?!
According to this article, working mamas have been seen to be more productive at the work place. This might be because they are better organized or they feel the need to catch up to a greater degree, so they don't fall behind. Whatever it is, they do it well! Way to Go, Mums!
I think i might be 8, 7, 6, 3, 1 and ta-dah...2! Love you, Ed!
Can you identify with any of these? Are you actually happier when you gain weight? Do you have a mentor? Does he look like dad?
16 Random Thoughts you have on your Wedding day
When Lumi took this photo, I was thinking either one of three things, "small chops", "I hardly slept a wink all night" or "small chops". Lol. The mind of a bride is amusing and emotionally tumultuous. I know they all look so put together and calm but on the inside...... Here are 16 random thoughts you might find floating around bride's head during her big day:
1. Aww, everyone is here!
2. Hmmmn, I don’t know that person
3. Wait, why don’t i feel any different now that i’m married?
4. Arrrgh, these heels!
5. Don’t cry, Don’t cry…mascara. Tilt your head back and reabsorb the tears
6. These lashes feel like bat-wings
7. My jaw hurts….all this smiling must burn calories
8. My cake looks so good! Sorry, OUR cake. Need to get used to these plural possessive pronoun thing
9. Cold! Everyone’s palm is so cold on my back
Photograph by Lumi Morgan
10. Where are all my bridesmaids?
11. O no, the little bride needs to pee again
12. Do really have to throw my bouquet, its so pretty!
13. I made the right decision, right?
14. Hmmmn not many gifts, huh? That means more cash gifts 🤑
15. I could do this everyday; Him, cake, all this attention!
16. This sermon is....*eyes flutter open*....did I just fall asleep on my wedding day?!
What thoughts did/would you have on your wedding day?
Other bride-related posts: My wedding dress hunt; Maid of honor tips; Planning your clean, green wedding; Planning for your wedding intruder!
Letters to my Greatgrand daughter: I found the One and she's a "She"
Dear Charly,
I found the One!
No, not your Greatgrand father. I found the one, years before I met him. Surprisingly, she was a girl. She had short, curly lashes and a huge mass of brown hair that never fell. She bit her lip when she was nervous and doodled like her life depended on it. She couldn't hold a 15-second gaze without breaking it and then shifting her weight on her feet while saying something completely inappropriate.
She had an easy laugh and bounced around when we were alone. You could see her heart in her eyes and it beamed a yellowish hue of gold. She had long, gangling arms and sometimes she joked about cutting them off because she said it made her feel like a furry primate.
She took long, deep breaths after every rainfall and never avoided rain puddles. When we were together, the world stopped just because she smiled, we blushed at each other incessantly and my world never remained the same. But whenever others came around, she closed up fast and all they could see was me. She was so self-conscious and uncertain, all I wanted to do was hold her shoulders all the time- i think that was when I fell in love with her- the day I held her shoulders. In those shoulders, I felt all her strength, all her resilience and all her fragility.
I saw her this morning, right after I kissed your great grandfather as he left for work. She's still beautiful, very much so. She still bursts with mirth when we are alone, she still has gangling arms but she no longer doodles, she writes now, she says. Her gaze is a lot steadier, she even made it to 20 seconds, but nothing more.
Her smile broadened as she smiled back at me from the mirror- she was amused because she knew you'd never guess who it was.
Charly, I fell in love with myself ages before I met your Greatgrand dad.
I can't remember what prompted this decision but I decided to love myself anyway; and not just regular self love that is preceded by a hashtag but an intense astounding love that makes me blush in the mirror. I'd wink at myself (still do), i'd tell me how pretty I am, even when I wasn't feeling that way. I accepted me for who I was, I embraced my loud laugh, my large nose, my long arms, my complexion, my age, my hair, my skin, my body, my skills, my likes, my flaws, my inadequacies, my spirit, my abilities -everything I was destined to be. I realized consciously that every single part of me was designed intentionally for a purpose by God, even the random fact that I love only the red skittles and the red Pringles.
Once I accepted who I was, I decided to do the work of becoming the best version of me. I discovered this beautiful, fun, playful and sometimes quiet person, who I spent time getting to know and I discovered - hey, I could spend forever with this person!
I placed more value on myself and on my time and would not let anyone regard me with less than that value. In doing this, I was becoming more conscious of valuing others and respecting their time and the things they stood for and loved.
Dear Charly, love yourself and don't wait around for someone to love you until you realize how wonderful you are; don't look for love in sub-standard places, scraping around for it and eating leftovers.
Spend time with yourself and make yourself blush in the mirror. When you love yourself, you are able to love others, in the right measure and in the right quality.
It's in that journey of self-love that you can enjoy and place value on others; it's in that journey that you can foster growth in the lives of people around you and watch them flourish endlessly.
You are perfect when you realize the value of your uniqueness and spend your time improving those awesome qualities that make you, you.
Love,
Greatgran x
Ps Your Greatgrand dad almost passed out reading the first three paragraphs too. Hehe!