How to Give CPR to a Dead Relationship
A few weeks ago, Mhis Kemi O, a reader of ours, requested I write a post on "giving CPR" to dead relationships. Lol. Perfect title. This post is generic enough to be applied to romantic relationships, friendships and even our intense love affair with Jesus, our Lord-Home-boy. I really hope it helps.
Relationship flames go from fiery red to uncertain ember glows for various reasons; busy schedules, the distraction of new interests, loss or strain of communication. It could also be caused by misunderstandings or grudges. Whatever it is, sometimes, we come to a place where we truly miss our friend and the old times; the sparkle and laughter and we want it back!
The resuscitation and survival of relationships is to a large extent, hinged on communication. In essence, communication is the first thing to be fixed when giving CPR to a dead relationship. God bless social media and silicon valley, which have made it a little too easy to communicate these days. All you have to do is pick up the phone, slide into his/her DM or tweet at your friend or make a plain ol' call.
However, it’s understandable that the first step to resuscitation is usually the hardest. Just do what I do; type a message and walk away from your phone. If a response comes, great! Otherwise, ‘not great’, we’ll have to find an alternate way to get across.
Messages like “We need to talk” or “Call me when you can”, may cause the person to get anxious or defensive, considering you’ve been MIA for a while. Can you blame them, really?
This might be a better approach to a message, “Hi, *insert name*, i hope you are well. You’ve been on my mind for a while now, please let’s catch up soon.” And then follow up with an actual “catch up soon” act such as a call or a lunch date.**
Listed below are five action-points to consider while reactivating your relationship:
1. Show genuine interest
Finally you have a set date to hang out once again as friends! You both sit down and begin to catch up, next thing, your phone lights up on the table. "K-daddy retweeted your tweet". You pick up your phone and zone out and forget your friend exists (again). Show genuine interest in your friend (or partner). Give them the gift of your attention.
2. Bribe(grin)
A little gift goes a long way. It doesn't have to be a yacht, just something of value and that rings true that you remember their interests and favorite things.
3. Talk about the death of the relationship
This isn't necessarily confrontation. Discuss what went wrong and what can be done better this time around. If there's any need for forgiveness then do it on the spot!
4. Do throw-backs
Remember the good times! You and this friend must have had a few good times and laughs, so bring them back to the present. Talk about your adventures, your epic failures, your shared interests and joy-evoking moments you've shared.
5. Celebrate the resurrection
I don't know about you but anything that comes back alive to a functional, active existence is a bit of a big deal and deserves a toast!
Go out together and celebrate. If it’s your thing, praise your newly burnished relationship on social media.
It helps if your resurrecting-intents are reciprocated. I must say though, that some relationships are worth preserving or reviving and others, not so much.
I guess you have to figure out if you should revive the relationship, you know what they say about sleeping dogs lying and all. Some sleeping dog-relationships should be tucked in with a pillow and blanket and paralyzed for good.
**If it’s a spouse, a weekend away does wonders!
Do you have any Dead relationship CPR-giving tips or experience? Please share below with us and Mhis Kemi O! Thanks!
Letters to my Greatgrand Daughter: Fighting for Romeo
Dear Charly,
Everyone loves a good love story; and what's a good love story without the typical "I forbid you to ever see him again” ban? What your parents don’t know, is that those words, are the exact reason you’d see him again! Right? I know, isn’t life spicy?
Somewhere, somehow, at some time, we all get an opportunity to defend our decision to be with someone. It could be as uneventful as unsalted butter but usually, it’s a full-blown Romeo-and-Juliet type situation where the aforementioned ban is quickly enacted by the “authorities” and everyone gets weird and you burst out crying, and out the door, into a hypothetical garden, where you and your Romeo promise each other, that it’s you, both, against the world and you will overcome and all that good stuff.
I’m an advocate for romance, drama and garden-themed proclamations but i have to say- not all relationships are worth fighting for, not all guys are actually worth the trouble.
Think about it—ALL sentiments aside; discard the garden backdrop and the tears and ask yourself some questions.
Is he worth the fight? Wouldn't it be funny(or not so much) if you went to bat for him and in the end, he is, for lack of a better string of words, not the most decent of guys? Would he do the same for you? What are your values? What are his values? Do they converge? Do they diverge so much that they make a 180 degree angle? Are they parallel? Don't answer just yet and don't ask him. Observe him.
Discard also, the fact that he kisses like Adonis and that you literally become gooey pap, when he looks into your eyes.
Study him closely. It’s almost accurate, the vibes you’d pick up, if you listen- and i mean, really listen, to the words he speaks and the way he says those words; if you looked closely at him and if you prayed intently and seriously like your future depends on it- because it does. If you do this, you'll figure out if he's worth it.
Let's admit it, sometimes parents and third parties are right, parents particularly, it's like they can sense stuff we can't. Sometimes, not always. At those other times, it's their fear, talking.
I had an opportunity to defend my relationship once. I fought, of course, gladly too, because i loved to fight. It was a type of hobby. Anyway, then, i found out he was wasn't being honest (putting it mildly), a clown of a boyfriend he was, really(still putting it mildly). Those are not the types you fight for, nope, let those relationships go, let them slide into a sea of forgetfulness and don’t lift a finger to help them along. Just keep moving.
If he isn’t a clown boyfriend, then strap up your battle boots, baby.
To fight for your relationship, your mind has to be whole. First, remind yourself that it’s your life and whatever you decide, you have the pleasure of baring its consequences. Consequences, spooky, huh? i know. The decision to preserve a relationship, depicts maturity and integrity. Know that I'm proud of you, if you ever find yourself in this position. It means I raised someone who raised someone, who raised someone else well!
Second, understand that "Fighting” doesn’t have to be disrespectful or aggressive. It’s just an opportunity to state your decision to stay with this person, while also, implicitly or explicitly confirming your awareness of putting up with the responsibility that comes with the consequences (it’s that fun word again).
It helps when the person you are fighting for makes it worth it. That way, you can work as a teamin building the relationship, even if it's in the least conducive environment and you can be the Bonnie to his Clyde and sing your theme song in Jay-z's voice.
Make the right decision and do your homework. Consider both possibilities: Your advisers may be dead right or dead wrong. Figure out which it is, don't fight blindly without proof, get your hands dirty and knees scraped, digging for facts to vindicate(or not vindicate) Romeo. Too many times, we fail to do our research because we can’t see past the Adonis lips and the garden-cloud. Tsk.
Also make sure your fact-finding is unbiased with the aim of finding out the truth about this Romeo-Adonis- Clyde candidate. Pray about it, divine help couldn't come in handy enough.
I hope their suspicions are wrong and no evidence can be found to support them. In that case, it's time to stand and fight! *insert war cry*
Love,
Greatgran x
Fighting against romantic injustice since 2001. Hehe.
Related posts: I found the one and she's a she; why you don't deserve to be happy; The rolex effect.
How to make your Sex schedule feel less scheduled!
"Argh! It's sex night", My friend grumbled. I looked at her strangely. I wasn't married at the time and I wondered why she sounded so disappointed. Even more odd, was the term "sex night". What's a "sex night"? I decided to opt for a literary interpretation and stared at her blankly. "Duh, of course it's "sex night" ", I responded, "Every night should be sex night."
It was then, for the first time, that the concept of the "sex schedule" was explained to me- 3 times a week, tired or not, kids asleep preferably and a glass of red. Lie there long enough, someone gives up, both resort to cuddling. Lights out, snore. Dream of mystical creatures and shopping malls.
I'm kidding, she didn't say any of that. She stopped at "3 times a week, tired or not, kids preferably asleep". It sounded very dreary, still.
Wherever her husband was, I was very sure he wasn't moaning and complaining that it was sex-night later. He probably clicked his heels in a leap as he went to the water dispenser and had a mariachi band playing in the corner of his office.
Women tend to be the main barrier to sex, this is because we believe mental stimulation should precede physical stimulation, that is, we have to be in "the mood" or nothing is going to happen. However, most women report enjoying sex, even if they started out uninterested at first. It's weird, I know. According to Michele Weiner Davies, the author of Sex-Starved Marriage, women shouldn't wait for fireworks but work with the embers! How insightful. She also recommends figuring out what gets you in the mood, otherwise you'll just lie there like a cranky fish, thinking about the oatmeal bagels and French vanilla hot chocolate you plan to have for breakfast.
So anyway, I figured I'd do some research on ways to make scheduled sex feel less so. Here's what I found:
Buy new steamy underwear
Buy some precious little's, just in time for sex-night! Recommended by marital and sex therapists!
Relax
Learn to take time out for yourself. Do something that gets you to relax at least once a day. Stress is sex's worst enemy.
No more Vampire-sex
For some reason, married people have sex mostly after dark like night creatures. *Rme* Try some sunlight!
Play some music
Let's just say, something to drown out all that creaking. Try some Sade, Joe or a sexy playlist in your favorite music app!
Redecorate and tidy
Our minds love the thrill of new things, which is why your Amazon shopping cart is always full. Try redecorating your bedroom and if you are on a budget, move things around, reshuffle your bedroom furniture, that also gives a sense of newness. Remember to change your sheets and pick up the stray, mood-killing socks strewn around.
Venue change
Ahem...your bedroom could use a break. Try some other locations within your home! Where exactly? That's completely up to you. Creativity meets improvisation! Plus suggestions here. Not too sure about the backyard.
Skip a rest day
If you usually work with 3 days a week, how about throwing in a fourth day- just because! Impulsive and spontaneous is what makes planned sex feel less planned. Do something he's not expecting!
Think about the rendezvous during the day
This would qualify as mental stimulation. Of course, don't get lost in the daydream during a staff meeting. Save the starry eyes for later!
Love after Cardio
Scheduling sex after a good work out might work wonders. Exercise causes a release of energy which can be profitably channeled- for our purposes*grin*
Meet him half way
Don't wait to get "in the mood", we might as well be waiting for world peace, aye? Work with the embers!
What are your thoughts? Any suggestions to reinvigorate scheduled sex night day?
8 Life-Love Skills to Teach Our sons
Before my sons jump out the front door and begin life as godly, independent, skillful, ground-breakingly smart and attractively hot members of the society, I'd love to teach them a few life skills. I feel like girls get to be taught all the soft skills and the guys get left out. Well, that shouldn't be, plus they aren't just soft skills but actual life-preserving skills especially #1, #3 and #8. I'd really appreciate if you could contribute to the list. Here's what I've come up with so far:
1. How to bake a mean cake (and cook Efo riro and sea food gumbo,oh and to clean up)
Nothing beats the acquisition of the basic life skills that keep you alive-cooking and good hygiene. Tag us as cheap and having low standards, but every girl loves a guy who can cook. As early as he can learn, teach your son the value of being able to boil more than just an egg. Any guy who can evoke gustatory-ecstasy and clean, please make him president.
2. How to be proud of his identity (and his passport)
The decision to understand and embrace our identities is reflected in our speech, actions and eventually in our children. They listen to us intently, and the mould their psyche and values around those expressions. No matter where you are from, you were destined to be a nova and to impact lives because you are from that part of the planet. If your son can understand that he can be relevant in whatever community he finds himself using his innate skills and identity, then it only makes you a proud parent and the world a better place!
3. That he must forget the stiffy and let her go at the slightest stiffen (and that 'No' means 'No'. Seriously)
"Iassumed that she was playing hard to get. You know how 'No' really means 'Yes'?" That's the opening statement for many rapists as they get debriefed by their lawyers. A statement based on the most unreasonable assumptions. We need to teach our sons that the slightest show of reluctance from a woman means "back off". Honestly, even if she comes back begging and naked, umm...sorry, keep stepping.
4. How to serve (and buy someone else a pair of sneaks for a change)
The best leaders are servants. The worst of them are self-centered, selfish, concerned about their own gain and wait around to be served. Boys, from, a very young age must learn to serve others, be responsible for younger children and their community. Imagine a world where we all teach our kids leadership skills from their toddler years, to care, share and honor others!
5. How to compromise (and the art of putting down the toilet seat, sometimes)
God, in all his wisdom put us in Eden, a place of pleasure which included no toilet seats and doors. Closing door(including microwave doors) and putting down the toilet seat are two things men are known to struggle with. Is it ever too early to teach sons to close doors? I think learning to pee standing and trying to aim already proves exciting enough for them, so putting down the seat is sometimes overlooked and they fail to learn. I plan to teach my son how to compromise or we might just settle it by having swing-doors...do they make swing toilet seats?
6. How to check out a girl and talk to her
Ed says his dad taught him and his brother the art of scoping and sizing up girls! Lol. Of course, both sons and even dad have differing preferences but he taught them to set their preference standards first, when they find the right girl, then, they follow through. I thought that was cool, men should have standards too. Make sure your son's game is tight.
7. How to handle heartbreak, move on (and cry like a boss)
Contrary to general opinion, men aren't getting any younger either and even though they don't have any biological eggs turning into omelettes, their time is also precious. Teach your son to value himself and to know when to initiate his exit strategy in unfavorable, unhealthy situations and relationships. Also teach him that it's ok to cry, that being heartbroken doesn't make him any less of a man and that getting drunk and hung over probably makes it a little worse...especially if he had omelettes the night before.
8. How to be faithful
How do you teach a son not to be a two-timing nuisance that ends up being lynched by 17+ women? I guess as a parent, the best you can do is to reward honesty, teach them to respect commitment and to be emotionally intelligent.
Of course, as parents, we won't be there to teach our kids these things in real time and as they need them, but from their early ages until they grow a weird mustache, a full Moses beard and choose to leave home, we must teach them to be principled, rational, strong yet accessible, endowed with culinary prowess and a heightened sense of honesty and service.
So, I'm not a parent yet but I'm learning to plan ahead and be prepared! Could you help me populate the space below with skills that can be passed down to little boys? Do you agree with the 8 skills? Which is most relevant to you?
Experience: The "Don't-Catch-Feelings" Community
I started out dating with my “Don't Catch Feelings (DCF)” banner flapping wildly in the wind. I was young and already i had become very jaded. Let me see, did i have those proverbial romantic tummy butterflies then? I believe i did, until sprayed them all with proverbial Raid. Hehe. Anyway, i was the poster child for this ‘no feelings caught’ business. Of course, this led to a relatively dysfunctional relationship. It was like dating an ice princess. Poor guy.
I have to admit, it was a little fun. Not having to deal with drama. If he acted up, i’d just grab a pineapple-based cocktail and sail away on a raft, humming along to Harry Belafonte. I had zero time for drama, which, if you ask me is a pretty sweet deal.
Recently, the art of “Not catching feelings” has been on the rise. People are eagerly choosing to be in “relationships of convenience”, with minimal or no responsibilities, you hang around, take what you want and enjoy the sunny days and fun nights. I’ll admit it’s very handy when it comes to avoiding getting heartbroken, even though it all begins with getting heartbroken in the first place!
The psychological term associated with the 'DCF' rave is “Dissociation”. Dissociation is a coping or defense mechanism which people employ to manage, survive or hack impending or contingently difficult situations. It’s usually caused by trauma, in this case emotional trauma and the effects of dissociation is moderately mild. Psychologists, however, suggest that we are designed to connect, to build relationships and nurture them, i.e we are wired to catch feelings! Pickle, hmm?
So what to do? Stick with the desire to build relationships based on love and a deluge of emotions with a seemingly normal person or put up the walls asap? As a past DCF chairperson and wall-builder extraordinaire, what would i advice people to do?
Ideally, i should scream “Catch feelings! Fall in love!” from the top of a roof to everyone bearing the banner but i won’t. Partly because, my ice princess-pineapple cocktail-Harry Belafonte relationship mentioned above ended pretty badly just because i chose to dip my banner just a little bit for him. I thought, maybe, he might be worth leaving the DCF community for, to resurrect the tummy butterflies for, to stop drinking those cocktails for and actually work at a mature relationship with; but then *insert china breaking sound* Heart. Broken. All. Over. The. Floor.
This is where the DCF community would smack me over the head and say “Gosh, you were doing so well! WE NEVER CATCH FEELINGS, remember?” Then they’d proceed to expel me as the poster child. Lol.
After that experience, it was like i tattooed the banner all over myself. Lol. I was like a mutant with Feelings Ricocheting super-powers; harder than “the thing” and colder than “J. Frost”. I couldn’t cry, not even if i wanted to and that was the best part. Whenever any guy acted out, i grabbed two cocktails this time and sailed away.
Bye, Felix
I believe in loving completely and totally but how realistic is it to love a partner after awful heartbreaks? Do the DCF community have a point? Yes, they do; be careful who you fall for, don’t love recklessly, guard your heart. It’s too precious and the predators aren’t that hard to identify. We always see the signs!
On the other hand, loving freely and intensely must have its benefits and it does—in the right relationship with the right person.
Eventually, i retired from DCF, i met Ed and he taught me that i could have the best of both worlds—catch all the feelings that i possibly could while sailing away on a raft with a significant other, both of us drinking pineapple based cocktails and humming along to Harry Belafonte, of whom he’s a huge fan!
Sweet deal, huh?
What’s your take on “Not Catching Feelings”? It’s an old art developed in an attempt to outsmart getting hurt. Can we really outsmart getting hurt though? Do you rep DCF? Are you retired?
Related posts: The road to the DCF community; The Sunny side of your breakup; Get over him on a budget
Have Fun Dealing with Pentheraphobia (the fear of Mothers-in-law)
All engaged couples, in my opinion should take one change management class before they get married. Marriage is a wonderful thing, full of delight, sparks, laughter, pouts(sometimes) and subtle and not-so subtle changes. That's the tricky part; these changes.
Change is an underlying theme in marriage, it's a new situation all together, new experience, new items on your shopping receipt, new conversations that never crossed your mind while dating, new living arrangements, new budget and resource allocation, new events, new individuals and participating bodies. In-laws. Da dada dum*insert eerie howl* Whether passive or active, in-laws are an interesting garnish to a marriage.
I think everyone expects some degree of in-law drama, as they prepare to get married; and for some, they get it, all of it! For some, they get nothing. Either way, it's important to have great in-law management skills.
Before i started dating Ed, i think i may have had a case of pentheraphobia, the fear of mothers-in-law! This is actually a thing, guys. Lol. But then again, there's a phobia for even cooking(Mageirocophobia), now, that would be an interesting excuse when i want to eat out, my eyes, wide, scared and all.
Anyway, so to deal with my Pentheraphobia, i decided to get some in-law management skills, by observing other people relate with their in-laws. I ended up with the awesomest in-laws, so i really don't know why i was stressing, i'd invite you to join our family but we are out of single people. Hehe.
What i learnt from watching these relationships was this; best advice ever: Treat your in-laws like you'd treat your family. I realized that you are in control of the way your relationship with your spouse's family could turn out. It could be great or a terrible disaster.
Treating them like you'd treat your family, or even better, as you would treat yourself goes a long way and sets you up for a great life with them and joyful grins from your spouse!
For example, if you buy your dad a particular fountain pen all the time, you should find out what your father-in-law likes and buy it occasionally for him too; if mum likes to sleep in the pretty guest room at your house with the floral print curtains, then set it up for your mum-in-law too; if you are planning to build your parents a house, and your in-laws have hopes of building a house too, I guess 2 is the lucky number. What I'm saying is, esteem your in-laws, treat them like you'd want to be treated at that age or maybe even a little more! Learn to honor them, they are your new family!
I know, i know, there are some inlaws that act like they belong on the set of The Omen, Lol! For them, you need to treat them as family too, love them, hope your spouse calls them out of his own volition and pray for them!
What are your thoughts on managing in-laws? Do you have Pentheraphobia? How do you deal?
Lemonade-From Halo to Pitch-Fork
I recently saw Beyoncé in her new visual album, Lemonade, where she talks about dealing with life's lemons! She talks about cheating husbands, some mysterious lady called “Becky with the good hair” (the drama, the memes...lol!), politics, heartbreak and reconciliation. Some people think it's a publicity stunt, a gimmick, which the Carters maybe cashing in on; i don't know, but one thing is certain-- Beyoncé is the Queen of crazy eyes! She has that crazy woman-scorned glare! Whether scripted or not, it's present all over her face in the one-hour video, especially in the song, Hold Up, where she runs down a street in a flowing mustard dress, smashing things with a baseball bat.
There’s only one reason in the history of histories why women ever hold a baseball bat, ever--to smash the belongings and to separate the glass from the metal in a cheating lover’s car. Women don’t touch a baseball bat for anything less. The grip is accompanied by, of course, the crazy eyes, angry, hot breath and a self-satisfied look when the deed is done.
How do women get here though? She wasn't always like that, our hypothetical crazed girl. Was she? No mother births a baseball bat-wielding, burn-his-clothes-in-the-tub, crazy-eyed baby! Clearly, it a process and journey to this state.
How do women get here? Ok, true, we get a little crazy eyed at the start of menarche and every month since then but this is a different type of nuts. The nuts caused by men. Pun intended.
The typical woman on her wedding day is full of laughter, throwing bouquets, a priceless smile on her face that photographers capture with ease. Everything is beautiful, the tiers of cake, petals and tulle everywhere! The love of her life- there he is. All regal and dapper. Forever couldn’t come in better hide. On this day, there is no possibility of crazy eyes, not at the moment or even in the future. This is our default mode, let’s call her, Halo. Halo, it will always be until an unfortunate day when she is required to carry a bat, then, even hell takes a step back in fright when this scorned woman takes to the streets.
Lemonade got me asking a lot of questions; Do Halo's know from the scratch that he might cheat? Are women able to tell if a man has infidelity propensities? "If he loves you, you won't find out", what does this even mean?! How much is a baseball bat? What do women do in Nigeria, when a guy cheats? (we don't have bats) I once heard of a girl who tried to throw away the guy's stuff and got beaten up*blink*. Another girl got beaten up by the guy and his side chic, my opinion, she should have tased them.
What do men do when a girl cheats? They don't break her perfume bottles, cut out the cups in her bras and deflate her tires, do they? How distressing for her, especially the bras.
Should I make lemonades this summer? Those are the questions running through my mind. And of course, who in the world is "Becky with the good hair"?
Ok, if you read this, you should answer at least one question! Lol! Have you seen the "Lemonade" video?
Dating on Referral-The Photo
You know that situation where you have two friends who you think should meet because they'd make such a great couple and also because your superior match-making skills allows you to outperform all algorithms the dating sites employ? Yeah, that situation when the match-maker (MM) in you suddenly awakens! For some people MM awakens more often than others *cough-Ed-cough*
Ed and I met through a friend, with some serious skills. He was also our best man, so i know this match-making thing actually works to a certain degree.
I've only ever tried to set 2 sets of people up and well, *blink*, I haven't been sent a maid of honor(MOH) request yet.
While waiting, i think i'll share with you something you might be doing, that's preventing me from reaching my MoH goals; one word-photographs.
Most setups start with the words, "Hey, I know someone you should meet!" After a light description (always light, you don’t want to give it all away), inevitably a picture will be requested for, if the two candidates haven’t met already. As the referee, you are the channel through which this photos will be passed and you have the right to turn down low quality photos (lol) I'm not even kidding. It reflects badly on your recommendation.
As the candidate, you should send a nice (very nice) photo, ask for a second option from somebody if you can. Hey, if you are going to do something, better you do it well!
Smile!
I, just at this exact moment, tested my algorithmic match-making skills and asked my friend for a photo to send to a girl. Let’s hope that works out! I want to be someone's MOH! Wail!
Anyway, back to the picture. It would be a great idea to have a really good photo-stash of yourself. Pssst! Girls, studies show we look hotter during ovulation. Sorry guys, i don’t have any information for you. So girls, right around day 14-ish, you want a little selfie-marathon. I’m kidding, no pressure. Day 14.
As for makeup apps and filters, in my opinion, i think you should "manage those expectations"-if you know what I mean. Just a little makeup enhancement, minimal filters and NO body enhancement apps. If you are looking long term, chances are that ALL and i mean, ALL, will be revealed at the right time, so body-part enhancement apps could maybe be kept behind the curtains. Lol.
To take a nice photo, all you really need is good lighting, the right angle; photos taken from beneath make you look bigger and give us the perfect view to your nose hairs *Blink* A photo taken from above usually is more flattering especially in great light and of course, a smile is always pleasant to look at!
Did you meet your significant other through a referral? Any blind-dating tips? Any photographers with tips on taking great photos, please advice!