Lemonade-From Halo to Pitch-Fork
I recently saw Beyoncé in her new visual album, Lemonade, where she talks about dealing with life's lemons! She talks about cheating husbands, some mysterious lady called “Becky with the good hair” (the drama, the memes...lol!), politics, heartbreak and reconciliation. Some people think it's a publicity stunt, a gimmick, which the Carters maybe cashing in on; i don't know, but one thing is certain-- Beyoncé is the Queen of crazy eyes! She has that crazy woman-scorned glare! Whether scripted or not, it's present all over her face in the one-hour video, especially in the song, Hold Up, where she runs down a street in a flowing mustard dress, smashing things with a baseball bat.
There’s only one reason in the history of histories why women ever hold a baseball bat, ever--to smash the belongings and to separate the glass from the metal in a cheating lover’s car. Women don’t touch a baseball bat for anything less. The grip is accompanied by, of course, the crazy eyes, angry, hot breath and a self-satisfied look when the deed is done.
How do women get here though? She wasn't always like that, our hypothetical crazed girl. Was she? No mother births a baseball bat-wielding, burn-his-clothes-in-the-tub, crazy-eyed baby! Clearly, it a process and journey to this state.
How do women get here? Ok, true, we get a little crazy eyed at the start of menarche and every month since then but this is a different type of nuts. The nuts caused by men. Pun intended.
The typical woman on her wedding day is full of laughter, throwing bouquets, a priceless smile on her face that photographers capture with ease. Everything is beautiful, the tiers of cake, petals and tulle everywhere! The love of her life- there he is. All regal and dapper. Forever couldn’t come in better hide. On this day, there is no possibility of crazy eyes, not at the moment or even in the future. This is our default mode, let’s call her, Halo. Halo, it will always be until an unfortunate day when she is required to carry a bat, then, even hell takes a step back in fright when this scorned woman takes to the streets.
Lemonade got me asking a lot of questions; Do Halo's know from the scratch that he might cheat? Are women able to tell if a man has infidelity propensities? "If he loves you, you won't find out", what does this even mean?! How much is a baseball bat? What do women do in Nigeria, when a guy cheats? (we don't have bats) I once heard of a girl who tried to throw away the guy's stuff and got beaten up*blink*. Another girl got beaten up by the guy and his side chic, my opinion, she should have tased them.
What do men do when a girl cheats? They don't break her perfume bottles, cut out the cups in her bras and deflate her tires, do they? How distressing for her, especially the bras.
Should I make lemonades this summer? Those are the questions running through my mind. And of course, who in the world is "Becky with the good hair"?
Ok, if you read this, you should answer at least one question! Lol! Have you seen the "Lemonade" video?
The Existence of Holy Twerks and God's Soprano voice
I've always imagined God as the huge, shiny, shiny, glimmering, iridescent being, who sits on a massive throne, surrounded by cherubs and the 24 elders; angels flapping around Him like moths to a flame, a sea of glass in front of His throne, everyone singing in perfect tones and in complete awe of Him, praising, hollering in delight. I'm probably semi-right, according to the book of Revelation. Semi-right, because no imagination, narrative or words can actually truly describe what's going on up there*insert dramatic gaze at skies*.
I often wondered though, what God does during this time- when everyone is singing and jumping around and screaming about how great He is. Does He just sit on his throne and stare at everyone and nod in approval with stately composure and a side smile? What does He do when we (His peeps on earth) sing to Him? Does He catch the praise in His fist, examine them and separate them into "acceptable" and "unacceptable" baskets? Does He laugh and roll His eyes when I call Him pet-names? (Which I do. Smh. You should hear them)
When we sing to God or come to Him, we are automatically in this space where we are praising along with the angels, the elders, souls of saints (a.k.a souls of righteous guys made perfect) and it's all a merry, exhilarating wing-flapping experience, crowned elders tossing their crowns, creative expressions of love including dabbing, splits, holy twerks and shoki's- definitely merry.
I think-I'm not certain-but I think I may have found what he does when we sing to him.
I think when we come into His throne room with a love song or a worship song, His heart skips a beat, His pupils dilate, His fingers grip His arm rest and His breath is caught in His chest because the one He's in love with, just stepped into his presence. With every note and beat, whether or not you are on or off-key, His heart throbs along and suddenly-what does He do?
“The Lord your God in your midst,
The Mighty One, will save;
He will rejoice over you with gladness,
He will quiet you with His love,
He will rejoice over you with singing”
"Rejoice over you with singing" Hands down, the second most romantic thing I've seen in the bible. Rejoicing, hmm. He, maybe, gets up from His throne because it could be pretty uncomfortable rejoicing while sitting down. He's on his feet, among the bowing elders and angels and the flapping cherubs, and walks towards you, everything else fades and He stands just about a foot away, His eyes transfixed on yours, as you sing. Then suddenly, He begins to sing too! 😍😍 Of course, this quickly becomes a full-blown Bollywood set, where you and Him dance, laugh and sing about how much you love one another, I like to imagine the angels as backup dancers! He rejoices over us with singing. Can you even try to imagine it? God, singing, spinning on His heels and chasing you around an imaginary tree! Amazing!
What do you guys think? Ever tried Holy Twerking? Hehe.
Random Fish. Apparently pictures taken in the morning are pretty pretty.
My Worst Date Experience+a Date outfit idea!
I'm writing this post to redeem my worst date experience ever. So, there we were on that cool, sun-setting evening- as i sat down next to my date, my pants ripped...down...the...back! I am not kidding. I'm yet to find an explanation for this mis-hap! The guy was very graceful and we were good friends too, so we laughed at me and he got me back home. It was a very "drafty" journey!
In retrospect, maybe i should have worn a dress but I've never been a dress-lover (slowly becoming one though). For a date with Ed, i usually go for a pair of Capri pants and a pretty blouse, heels (subject to my mood), pretty earrings and remarkable nail polish (greatest dinner topic and #1 icebreaker, assuming ice needs to be broken)!
The perfect date outfit is first, comfortable, second, unassumingly hot and third, not prone to sudden rips up the back! Lol. What's your most "fondly-remembered" dating experience?
Top: Dorothy Perkins
Capri pants: Dorothy Perkins
Shoes: Prima Donna Collection
Earrings: Kate Spade
Arm Candy: Fitbit
Dating on Referral-The Photo
You know that situation where you have two friends who you think should meet because they'd make such a great couple and also because your superior match-making skills allows you to outperform all algorithms the dating sites employ? Yeah, that situation when the match-maker (MM) in you suddenly awakens! For some people MM awakens more often than others *cough-Ed-cough*
Ed and I met through a friend, with some serious skills. He was also our best man, so i know this match-making thing actually works to a certain degree.
I've only ever tried to set 2 sets of people up and well, *blink*, I haven't been sent a maid of honor(MOH) request yet.
While waiting, i think i'll share with you something you might be doing, that's preventing me from reaching my MoH goals; one word-photographs.
Most setups start with the words, "Hey, I know someone you should meet!" After a light description (always light, you don’t want to give it all away), inevitably a picture will be requested for, if the two candidates haven’t met already. As the referee, you are the channel through which this photos will be passed and you have the right to turn down low quality photos (lol) I'm not even kidding. It reflects badly on your recommendation.
As the candidate, you should send a nice (very nice) photo, ask for a second option from somebody if you can. Hey, if you are going to do something, better you do it well!
Smile!
I, just at this exact moment, tested my algorithmic match-making skills and asked my friend for a photo to send to a girl. Let’s hope that works out! I want to be someone's MOH! Wail!
Anyway, back to the picture. It would be a great idea to have a really good photo-stash of yourself. Pssst! Girls, studies show we look hotter during ovulation. Sorry guys, i don’t have any information for you. So girls, right around day 14-ish, you want a little selfie-marathon. I’m kidding, no pressure. Day 14.
As for makeup apps and filters, in my opinion, i think you should "manage those expectations"-if you know what I mean. Just a little makeup enhancement, minimal filters and NO body enhancement apps. If you are looking long term, chances are that ALL and i mean, ALL, will be revealed at the right time, so body-part enhancement apps could maybe be kept behind the curtains. Lol.
To take a nice photo, all you really need is good lighting, the right angle; photos taken from beneath make you look bigger and give us the perfect view to your nose hairs *Blink* A photo taken from above usually is more flattering especially in great light and of course, a smile is always pleasant to look at!
Did you meet your significant other through a referral? Any blind-dating tips? Any photographers with tips on taking great photos, please advice!
April Challenge: My Shower Buddy
My March challenge was great! It definitely helped my blogging experience tremendously! Well, even though April is almost out, i have another challenge lined up- it involves my phone. Sigh.
My phone and I do everything together. This began to bother me when last week, i put my phone in a ziplock bag and took it into the shower because i was talking on it to my friend. Tsk. I know.
The average smartphone user opens their eyes at 7.30am and right about 7.31am start to use their phones, earlier, for those who commute.
My phone and i wake up together at 5.30am, as it shrills “Stereo” Gymclass heros (ft Adam Levine). I get up and walk to it (this is the best way to avoid the snooze button, put it at last ten feet away. If your living space is less than 10 feet, tuck it in something before you go to bed; a pair of shoes, in a pile of clothes)
I hit the stop button with Adam mid-sentence. Then I take it back and sit (or lie) on my bed. I see a couple of messages and notifications. I go through them and reply as many as I can before falling asleep again (this is what happens when I don’t reply those messages on time, mum).
I wake up again and hit my bible app. I read the verse of the day and pretend to think about it as I tap the instagram widget. The morning-people are up and a-posting already! I love those people. Then I frown angrily and think, this phone is not in charge! It’s not the boss! I am! So I throw it somewhere (this is why I never see your calls when you call, Ronnie); I walk away and go and read my print version of the bible and start my day. My phone is rolling its eyes at me, somewhere in the sheets and knows i’d start looking for it soon. Why? Because I am a blogger and I type on it. Soon, i begin my search and I find it after a while. I begin to work-research, type, type, research, type, type, delete, delete, type, type, type, edit, post. It smiles, self-satisfied.
The same self-satisfied look it had when i took it into the shower. I don't like that look.
Sometime next week, I'm going to be spending a day without my phone. Lol. This is going. to. be. tricky.
I write on it, I navigate on it, I Instagram on it(yes, Instagram is a verb), I listen to my bible, stare at recipes I admire but might never cook, I everything on it. Let's see how it goes. 24 hours with out my shower-buddy! Let's do this!
5 Awesome Things I miss About Lagos
Photo credit: Ed Adegboye
Lagos is one of the most remarkable places i've ever lived. It has a life of its own; bubbly, loud, severe and self-consciously modern. It's completely oblivious to other places as it sun-bathes (literally) in its resources and lively metropolis but still, is intricately tied to the global world! It's my city crush any day and I can't wait to visit soon. Here are 5 things that I miss about Lagos:
1. The Traffic Shopping Mall
It's common knowledge that you can purchase anything while stuck in Lagos traffic. Three random items that I've negotiated for in traffic-- a dog, a Christmas tree and a standing fan! Lol! I miss you, mall of life! Innovation in retail.
2. Buka Food
While I am not an avid buka crawler like Ed, I do have certain buka crushes like "white house" in Yaba! Hmmn. I do a pretty good job with cooking my Gbegiri's and Ogbono's, but nothing beats firewood-cooked food, that wasn't cooked by you (the latter is the important part, lol). I miss the street food too; puffies! Boli! Roasted corn! Akara and bread on Ile-Ife highway! Haha! Street, yo!
3. My Adrenaline High
Driving in Lagos is my ultimate be-wary trigger. Your adrenaline is pumping over time as you swerve from an incoming bus, avoid a pothole and miss by an inch, a pedestrian walking haphazardly across the street! You have to be able to keep your eyes focused on the road and also have eyes at the back of your head, in the bid to make it to your destination in one piece , while watching out for LASTMA, FRSC and that strange guy in your window who may have a concealed weapon. I met that guy.
I do NOT miss that guy.
4. Living the Music
Listening to new Nigerian music on YouTube is just not the same as living in Nigeria and listening to it in your car or at a party on the weekend or is it just me who feels this way?
5. Yellow Cabs (Oko asewo*)
The first time I heard a biker call a yellow cab driver "Oko asewo*", i was thoroughly offended! I thought he was insinuating that i was the asewo, considering the fact that i was the only one in the cab. My aunt later pacified me with the truth; "Oko asewo" is their nickname because they served a different clientele after hours. Interesting! I miss seeing them though. I'm sure uber is giving them a run for their money! I hope they aren't struggling so much. Are uber drivers the new Oko asewo's?
Where do you live? What do you miss about your last location? What do you miss about Lagos? If you live in Lagos, please recommend bukas and tell us the most interesting thing you've ever bought in traffic!
*I want to believe the translation in English is Pimp.
Feed Me Back, Please!
Hey, hey, everyone!
It's the end of a third of 2016 (o wow, it's almost May!) and it's feedback season somewhere in the world and here on PagesbyIke! I'd like to ask you to please provide me with some feedback, so that visiting the blog can be a better experience for you. Let me know what your favorite posts were; what made you laugh, frown or pout. What topics did you enjoy reading the most? If you also have specific topics you'd like to see addressed, please drop a message below or send me a message here! You can get as specific as you want!
Here are the top 10 read posts of 2015! #EarlyThrowback. Enjoy!
1. Hello First Marital shock: Bank of Daddy to Bank of Bae
2. What happens in Vegas, does not stay in Vegas..not really
3. 5 strange things i do in an Airbnb! Haha! Most consistent habits of mine
4. How to avoid a "Bleep Better Have My Money" incident /This always makes me think of all the phantom people i owe money
5. Long Distance Relationships: You, Her and Jack ; On pilfering someone's girlfriend
6. Letters to my Great-grand Daughter: The Assassination of Mary (I love Marys, I do!)
7. Love, Angels and Grunts; How to be a good friend and not go crazy
8. Abi's story: Married to a Jerk
9. 9 Unusual but Effective Couple habits
10. 12 ways to hack culture shock! I still read this post, probably every other month!
Which was your favorite then and now?
Please remember to drop your comments! Thanks!
Watching Another Person find the One
One of the three runners-up for my wedding dress was a dress I fondly refer to as "The Thumbelina dress". That's not actually what the manufacturers dubbed it but I tagged it so, to be able to tell it apart from the other 90 dresses I tried on. The Thumbelina was a fairy tale dress; and if you wore this dress, I'm not kidding now, whether you are a guy or girl, you suddenly would begin to sing in a meadow somewhere, with birds singing along, a burbling brook bouncing your voice over its gentle current. It was a "Princess-y" Belle meets Sleeping beauty kinda dress.
That day, i was at a bridal shop in Watertown, Massachusetts and at this store, they usually have one dress in a particular style, in one size, which you can later alter; so there was just one Thumbelina in the entire store. When I tried it on, I fell in love with it and I was certain I could give Cinderella a run for her money or seeds.....or whatever Cinderella spends. However, I kept trying on others, you know, testing the waters.
In the middle of the taffeta and silk whirlwind, a lady who was also trying out dresses on a podium next to me asked if she could try on "the Thumbelina"--my Thumbelina. Straight face. She had tried on about five dresses but hadn't found anything yet. Her face was drawn in a forlorn upside down smile and she seemed exhausted already. Note, by this time, i had tried on about 82 dresses! Try on Thumbelina, huh? I eyed her suspiciously. "Alright", I said.
She gladly took it off the hook in my corner and hurried to hers, stepping out of the A-lined dress she was wearing into the Thumbelina with the help of her personal shopper. As she stepped up unto her podium and turned to face the mirror, my jaw dropped to the floor. She looked like THE THUMBELINA! It looked like the dress was actually designed for her! Seriously, she put the "Thumbelina" in the dress. It fit her at every curve and stroke. There was no contest who wore it best. I had to beg her to buy the dress. I was willing to let it go. It just couldn't have looked better on anyone, anymore than it did on her.
Of course, she ran off to the till to pay. Lol.
Needless to say, I hadn't found my dress. Dress number #82 and i still hadn't found the one!
Some people find the one on the first try or the sixth try and some of us have to try on 80+ dresses or date 80+ people to find the one (I'm kidding, I don't even think that's chronologically possible lol!)
It's a sweet and sour feeling** sometimes, when you see someone find the one, you are genuinely happy for them, you toast to them, you throw the streamers and rice and party till 4am, genuinely wishing them every perfect thing God bestows- but at night when you go home with absolutely no "dress" of your own and you are all alone with your thoughts, then the feelings come.
The great thing about life is that there are times and there are seasons and they are scheduled at different times for different people. Being in stride at the exact same time with another person is very rare and probably not ideal. Everyone eventually gets their own moment and enjoys the thrill of basking in it. If you are on "dress" #70 and still contemplating testing the waters, don't be discouraged. At a certain time, you will find "the one" and you will be dropping the jaws of everyone around!
Written with all the love in my heart x
**every time i read this part i said 'sweet and sour chicken' Lol!
