What To Do When You Know The Answer To Your Friend’s Conundrum

One of the coolest things about being you is your field of expertise. There are just some areas in life in which you excel exceedingly and dramatically; whether it’s the sector of financial planning, finding love, chasing ambition, making people feel like a million bucks, giving wise advice, excellent work ethics, tunnel vision, romance, sex, adventure, doing a back flip- whatever it is…you just kill it and everyone loves you for it. 

The second coolest thing about you is the ability to identify the deficit of this skill of yours in another person’s life, i.e watching someone you know struggle with making a decision which comes quite easily to you. 

For example, your friend could say: 

“My boss hates me. I don’t know what to do.”

“He hit me and I don’t know whether to leave.”

“I earn 200 grand but I have zero savings.”

“Oh! Missionary?! That’s what it’s called? Well, there’s no other way to do it…is there?” 

*insert Dwight Shrute side eye with a smile*

The cool thing isn’t watching them squirm with the perplexity of decision-making, but it’s in knowing you know the answer but choose not to interfere with their decision making process…unless they ask for it. You might think a true friend would interfere. Relatively true, but only to some extent will your interference be genuinely appreciated. 

I recently struggled with a decision I had to make. The required skills and thought process of this issue, however, came very easily to my friend. He let me know what his suggestion was. Of course, I kicked at the idea wildly, like a goat at an abattoir. 

He just kept looking at me as I struggled with the decision. A real toughie it was...to me anyway. I eventually took his suggestion. 

But the beauty of it was in him letting me go through the motions of decision making; denial, freaking out, the still, the acknowledgement of my apparent incompetence, asking for help and guidance, praying and then making the right decision. 

He didn’t try to force me or insist his way was right and mine was shabby. He didn’t mandate but suggested. He guided and didn’t legislate. He put it out there and let me come to the realization of the wisdom myself.  

We can’t force people to take our expert advice. There’s just more satisfaction watching them flail around initially like an abattoir goat. Grin. Once you’ve presented your wisdom, they’ll ease into it at their own time or not at all. Shrug. It’s a blessing knowing I don’t have to make decisions for others. That’s not what we really are made for. We are made to excel and guide. And to snicker at abattoir-goat friends. 

What are your thoughts?! 

Burning Bridges For Breakfast

We’ve all met a few people in our lives that really deserve to be left on the other side of the pond…permanently. No communication, no contact. Just simply severed off from our lives. I’ve always believed in burning bridges, especially when the person has messed up on a grand scale, grand enough for me to applause this offense as epic. 

In my defense, I do give a considerably long rope; I consider strike one, a human failing. I consider strike two, a one-off; strike 3, a glitch in character; strike 4, she’s-just-having-a-bad-day; strike 5, just needs a squirt of grace and tolerance and a quick shine; strike 6…silence and observation as this person's attitude tilts dangerously towards epic. By strike 7 though, your name just became Felicia (bridge goes off in flames, as I walk away in slo’ mo). I actually enjoyed burning bridges. I had become so good at it, I could do it in my sleep. 

One of the things I’ve been learning this season of introspection is learning not to burn bridges. Don’t burn bridges. Why?

You may be all that person needs to be a better person.

Who cares if they become better? You may wonder(My previous sentiments exactly). Well, this much I can say, there is something about reconciliation. The whole point of Jesus’ mission was to reconcile us back to God. Forget the barbecued fishes and the miracles, the water walking and the turnt crowd as he rode into Jerusalem. He simply did all that to reconcile man to God. Reconciliation.

There is nothing more precious than reconciliation. If there’s someone you are holding a grudge against, someone you stopped speaking to because that someone pushed their luck up to strike 19, please consider mending.

Try. Don’t burn the bridge. And if that bridge has already gone up in flames, pray for strength and lay the first brick to rebuild.

"But she messed up! Why do I have to lay any stone at all?” Remember we messed up first too, we burnt our bridge connecting us to God. Lit that baby up! But God made the first move, and wrote himself into our stories. He made us right. He brought reconciliation into our world and we have never been the same since. Grab the first brick. That moment you set your first brick, hold your breath because you are about to be amazed by the ridiculous amount of light that floods your soul.

Did you miss the first entry on the new fiction series, Love Bite? Not a problem, read it here! And watch out for entry 2 this wednesday.

How to Relate with People with Walls (Hello, Jericho)

Ever so often, we run into people I call "Wallies"- people with walls; walls around their hearts, minds and thoughts and we try to be the valiant knights that blow those walls in with a canon ball.

Before you get all bombs-away on a "Wallie", remember that no one is born with walls. Walls are built from trauma resulting from bad experiences. 

I used to be a Wallie and it was a means of providing the security I wanted for myself. Of course, my first line of defense was a permanent scowl, which worked quite nicely, until I met people who didn't care whether I scowled or not, they intended to talk to me anyway!  *side glance*

Most walls are unconsciously built, while others are consciously built in a deliberate attempt to keep their internal environment controlled, I believe I was in both categories. I was so good at this wall-business that if anyone tried to reach into my space and obstruct my building process, I'd splatter some cement on their arm and build them along the wall. Hehe. Was it fun? Yeah! Was it lonely within those walls? Yeah, sometimes.

I remember meeting this Wallie, who I really wanted to be friends with but she had like a Jericho-type situation going on, and honestly, I wasn’t prepared to put in that much work or circle her walls 7 times till they fell down flat. I had hoped she would come out at her own time but she never did, plus, I had my own walls too. Two weird Wallies. Tsk.

By the time my walls crumbled, and I came to discover the world outside my walls, which was filled with opportunities to be sensitive to other people and their needs and to do good, she was gone.

From being a Wallie, I learnt to respect other people’s experiences by trying not to scale their walls unless I was invited. I also taught myself to put in a little more effort with other Wallies and retired Wallies!

It’s usually a good idea to respect the walls others have and not feel the need to draw them out by their hair, screaming. One day, on their own watch, they will step out or let you in, if you wait around.

What do you think about this?  Are there times you think walls should be blown apart? If you have walls, what does it take for you let people in? I'd really love to hear your thoughts.

Have you read this post from our "Dating like Crazy" series? Our writer talks about dating with walls after a traumatic experience.  

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Feb-o-mania! Catch the Bug

Welcome to February! Remember 31 days ago, when we were estatic about January, well, clearly we are over that now! Sayonara, January! February is here, the month of heightened flirtations, torrid redezvous, weirdly shaped candies and all that good stuff!

However, before we get carried away with February's red-panic and the crazy frenzy, we need to start off the right way......I'm going to ask you a question which you are required to answer, a question you probably weren't expecting me to ask; a question you would be glad I'm not there to ask you in person because it would be weird, the air would get heavy and we'd both be very uncomfortable. Ok, are you ready? Here goes..........

'Do you love me?'

I'd appreciate if you answer honestly and out loud.

Just in case you didn't know, you ARE supposed to love me, just like you love yourself, but then you already knew that. It's the greatest power that ever will be, not to mention the most difficult and the most unnatural human trait. Love is a higher become-a-better-me kinda calling but it's worth it in the end because it always protects you!

It makes us immune to evil, it protects our minds from getting easily hurt and jaded. It keeps us sane and helps us get through the most tumultuous of situations.

However, most of us know love in theory but fail in its practicals. We fail to actively, creatively and intentionally love the people in our lives the way we should.

So, since I'm the largest culprit of all (guilty face and rosy cheeks), here's what I'm doing for the whole month, I'm taking my phone contacts, starting from the first person with the name beginning with "A" and I'm finding ways to love everyone uniquely.  I'm calling it the Feb-o-mania! Love is not a one-size-fits-all, it's deliberate and tailored. Let's love, just as such.

Have a great February ahead.....and don't think I didn't hear you mumbling "Yes" to that question. **Blush** I love you too! 

Feb-o-mania plans? Share! How would you show you love to friends and family? What do they appreciate the most? How does this fit into your love techniques for them?  

The Friendship Challenge!

Friends love through all kinds of weather ❄️ ☀️🌨⛈🌪 ⚡️💨☔️

To all my friends, old and new, 2016 is that year you have NOT been waiting for! I'm on a become-a-better-friend campaign and so I guess I'll be in your faces very much this year. 

*Intermission* 

Every time I post something like this, I get tried and tested immediately! I feel like there are some mystical blog deities that just send me bouts of trials, mandating that i practice what i preach the moment I publish stuff that is targeted at improving lifestyles. Anyway, i'll have another accountability post soon!

*End intermission*

Where was I? I'm trying to be a better friend and family member. 2016 is that year when I will be in your face, call you at odd hours, make awkward video calls, put up photos of us riding on camels in Dubai, throw back on Thursdays with you (beware of old unflattering photos on instagram).

P.s I have never been to Dubai, friends, 2016 is the year of Dubai! Let's buy tickets and fulfill this camel-riding photo dream!

So a quick glance on how to improve my friend status this year.... 

According to the Stanford Encyclopedia, friendship is built on 3 main platforms:

1. Concern: Reciprocated concern actually, not just regular concern; and according to Aristotle, spending time with your friends, wanting the best for and doing good to them  is pretty pivotal to healthy friendships. Err...so no envying or being too busy or ignoring calls *blink*

2. Intimacy: Sharing experiences and information that build trust which also implies that we must avoid anything that would weaken the trust so painstakingly built e.g gossip

3. Shared activity: I need to find creative, fun activities to do with you guys! This is where Dubai comes in! *Grin*

 I'm so excited about this and I know what you're thinking, my friends.....I forgive you in advance for ignoring my calls. 

Becoming a better friend this year? Yup or Nah-ah?  

Friendship-themed Give-Away coming up soon!

Travel: What Happens in Vegas!

Secret: Whenever I plan to drink any amount of alcohol I usually eat a fine, piping hot meal of Eba and whatever soup. Laugh if you will, it's the truth. Lol. I've found that it keeps me from getting easily tipsy. Well, guess who didn't have Eba in Vegas. Yours truly.

Next thing you know, you wake up and one person is missing 

Therefore the drinking was kept to the minimum, the starkest minimum.  The point of Vegas was to celebrate our amazing friend's birthday and it was so much fun, it also coinsided with the 4th of July weekend last summer. It's definitely a city worth visiting, complete with torrid weather conditions, all the souvenirs a tourist could dream of, bubbly traditional cabbies (no uber, take note), too much food, way too much and first time opportunities to try and discover new things.

There were many instances that I'd say to myself, "hmm, that was a first!"  Vegas  was a great bundle of new experiences for me. Here's to new experiences, Eba and the birthday boy!

FIRST GAMBLE  

Gambling is pretty addictive.  

My friends and I were stuck on some titanic-themed slot machine clearly targeted at women and Leonardo Di's fans in general (there were some men there too *blank stare*). I won $10, then lost it and more. Everytime you win something the machine bursts out singing the bridge/chorus of My Heart Will Go On "Near, far, wherever you are......" and the clanking of coins overwhelm you, causing so much euphoria. Then in two minutes you plug your winnings back in and it's all gone!

Conclusion: Last time gambling ever

Making Hugh Hefner rich. Tsk

FIRST CIRQUE DU SOLEIL

 Cirque du soleil is special. They create stage performances inspired by circus activities, street entertainment and some other mysterious (very very mysterious) elements.  I had no idea what was going on most of the time. Lol. All in all, the experience is the value added. When I was done though, I felt like I had experienced a different aspect of life. The bizarre aspect and it was quite sensational.

Conclusion: Maybe I'd see another cirque show, one less abstract. Good luck to me finding that.

FIRST  SINGING TAXI DRIVER

Imagine it's 3am, you are in a taxi and your extremely chatty taxi driver decides to break into a song at the top of his voice-then he sings another-then another-then another.  Half way through, he pulls out his harmonica (mouth organ) and it's now a full-fledged concert! It was quite entertaining, maybe not suitable at 3am. At the end he demanded a fee for his performance! Lol!  

Conclusion: Everyone is Elvis in Vegas. 

HIT ON BY A GIRL FOR THE FIRST TIME

Words failed me indeed. I was at a pool party so we were all minimally clad. She begins to chat me up. I just always imagined I'd be off limits to lesbians. Why? I don't know. Maybe because they say they can tell if you are straight. Maybe she's a beginner, still getting that sensor tuned. 

Conclusion: *blink*

FIRST TIME WEARING A CROP TOP

Crop tops make you very ab-conscious, i think it's a good piece as long as you wear it to appropriate places. Definitely not to meet his parents.

Also, maybe more suited for others than some of us though. (Tip: if you are self-conscious, try them with a pair of high waist bottoms)

Conclusion: Haven't worn it since. I'll try again next summer

FIRST KARAOKE

While I have a video of considerable length showing this extraordinary incident, I will be unable to put it up because there were other participants involved. Lol! It's safe to say we were the backstreet boys and girls for the night and everyone thought we were awesome!

Conclusion: karaoke is best served sober. Then you have no excuse for your behavior. Nope, no blaming it on alcohol, all your innate issues spew forth lol! And forth they did spew that night.

Have any fun Vegas experiences; karaoke experiences, fun taxi driver experiences? Share below!

Aridly beautiful

Ed, Demi, Me!

Weeeeeeeeee!

Dancing in the colonnades

World's largest chocolate fountain- The Bellagio

Photo II with flowers; Vegas turned me into a flower-backdrop kinda gal

All you need for fun in Vegas, this fab lot

All God.

Big Win for the birthday boy! ......which we proceeded to spend on a good(bad), greasy dinner

Chances you'd be married by night fall with a chapel in the hotel basement

Brides dressing room (Photo credit: Demi Eni-Olorunda)

Groom room (Photo credit: Demi Eni-Olorunda)

Shot down the aisle! (Photo credit: Demi Eni-Olorunda)

The Secret of the Unengaged Bride-to-be

4 years before Ed proposed, I went on a mock wedding dress hunt with my sister. It was entirely her idea and i had all the possible imaginable reservations about it. For one, I didn't want to be the "crazy" lady who made wedding dress appointments and wasn't engaged......... but then again, why let all the "crazy" people have all the fun! So I booked an appointment with a local wedding store, over the phone, avoiding the question "When is your wedding?" ever so skillfully with a grunt, an "a-hem" and the word "Soon." At the appointment, the woman was definitely really, really interested in the date of the wedding, so i said it was "inconclusive" for now. I guess at this point she really just thought i WAS the crazy lady who made wedding dress appointments and wasn't engaged; the one her manager always told her about.

In retrospect, i think this was the most important part of my wedding dress hunt adventure. From the trip, I was able  to understand what styles looked best on me; I knew I preferred mermaid gowns and off-shoulder neck styles (I always thought i'd be a Cinderella ball-gown-kinda girl). I knew lace it was and always would be. I knew my veil had to be a statement. I also became aware that sometimes when you don't know what you want some style managers try to force dresses on you. It was a real eye-opener for me ......and an eye-slanter for the suspicious style manager.

How to pull this off...

Let's get it out there; yes, you do require some level of nuttiness for this escapade and who isn't a little nutty, huh?  Apart from the benefits of acquired knowledge, it might also set things into motion if you tell your almost-fiancé about the appointment (not with the intention to manipulate him into proposing but just so he's aware and doesn't stumble on your photos one day on your dropbox account and has a heart attack); might get him thinking about the next move too. 

You can make it a girls' outing! Get a couple of your girlfriends, engaged or not and do a mock hunt (each of you could book appointments in different stores to avoid being thrown out into the streets, after buying absolutely nothing). My friend, Eki and I did it once on Oxford street. We ran around in the rain, ducking into shops soaking wet, much to the dismay of the preppy shop assistants. Then we ate street crêpes in-between the appointments and after it all, ended up in wasabi eating a spicy bowl of sweet chili chicken bento while flipping through photos of the dresses on our phones. Fun! 

It helped me streamline my wedding dress hunt. I also went for my real fitting very informed and confident. I knew exactly what I wanted which made the job easier for me and my style manager.  Not knowing what you want is the bane of every wedding-dress style manager's existence. I got a lot of "Thank God! You know what you want! That's impressive!" remarks.

 If only knowing what i wanted got me a discount, lol.

It also gets you thinking about themes, flowers, your hair and jewelry. It gets you planning a shopping budget and helps with being realistic with the numbers. Best of all, it's fun and a great way to spend an afternoon with your girlfriends without looking like the lone crazy woman who tries on dresses. 

Now when you start taking photos like this with no intentions of buying anything, you probably will get thrown out! Lol! Thank you Eki for letting me use this photo. mmuah! 

What are your thoughts on mock hunts? Do you know what styles you would like? Share with a friend who is nuts enough to try this with you...and then book some appointments!

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