Where Do Broken (Male) Hearts Go?

Where do broken hearts go?

If you said “the heartbreak hotel”, congratulations, you just dated yourself. You are right though, kinda. According to several studies, broken female hearts go to “the heart break hotel”, a place where they cry, delete and/or burn relationship keepsakes and memorabilia, cry some more on a friend’s shoulder, rant and sing-along to sad pop songs. For the broken male hearts, many of them go into a dark alley, which I call “the hole”—a place where they bottle up their feelings, grow a beard, drink a little too much and desperately seek distractions to preoccupy their minds. After being here a while, it’s no surprise they end up enrolling in the greatest institution of all time— the Royal Academy of Heartbreakers (RAH).

Yes, it would appear that heartbroken people tend to go to either of these two places when their hearts have been ripped out of their chests—the Heartbreak hotel(HH) or the Royal Academy of Heartbreakers (RAH).

As you would imagine, at the RAH, students acquire the unique skill set of breaking hearts, after taking the mandatory first year prerequisite of Emotional Dissociation and a 4-unit course in Commitment Unavailability. 

Eventually, they graduate with flying, soaring colors, wearing their academic hats, and are handed their certificates along with a pitch fork. They are released in legions into society, where they make their alma mata proud by sweeping through Ladiesville and leaving many shattered hearts in their wake. The female survivors of Ladiesville then check into heartbreak hotel...It’s all a vicious cycle.

Research shows breakups have a more devastating effect on men than on women. Mainly because they don’t choose the most effective way to heal. You know, beard..."the hole"...bottles of ale...rebounds. And no, the best way to get over someone isn’t by getting under someone else. The hurt and pain still stand unresolved. 

Men aren't endowed with the emotional support women get so freely from friends and family and men lack safe spaces to express how they truly feel in every step of their healing process. I personally believe they deserve a safe place where they can bawl their eyes out, etch gothic scribblings on walls, chew their toe nails, shower once in two months and munch on dry cereal. Or at least have the option of wearing duo-tone spandex while wailing and miming to Taylor Swift songs in their bathroom mirror. They deserve the safe space to process their emotions so they can recover properly. 

According to Dr. Miller of the University of Utah, *heads up, sports/orthopedic analogy* when a rookie suffers from a fracture or bone injury, there’s a chance their bones may not heal right . This is usually because they may undergo non-operative treatment, in other words, they don’t select the right treatment plan for their fracture. This results in malalignment of the bone. This mutation is sometimes visibly observable in some patients. You can tell a mile away. When the proper healing route isn’t selected, sometimes, there’s a malformation. (Men, note that I chose sports and bones as an analogy because it’s all macho and stuff. You are welcome.)

When a heart doesn’t heal right, then out come the pitch forks.

This guy surely has a pitch fork.

It’s a great idea for your heart to heal the right way. But how do you know your heart is healed?

Answer: It’s available to love again, wisely but genuinely. You also don’t own a pitch fork, you aren’t in possession of little black books (or the modern day equivalent, whatever that is) and you aren’t a renowned creep on dating websites. And of course, your beard is grown for a good cause. Of course. 

What do you think? Did you heal right from all your past relationships? Do you think men get enough emotional support in their heart break journeys? 

Related posts you'd love: Get Over Him On A Budget!  &  The Sunny Side Of Your Breakup!

When Your SuperHero Bleeds

Warning: Personal blog entry

Before Wonder Woman grew out her hair and got so hot, I was a fan. I loved her outfit; her sweet heart bodice, her star-spangled boy shorts and red boots. She was the only female superhero back then, so I wasn't spoiled for choice. So fave she was.

I had a few not-so-fictional super heroes too.

My entire family were my heroes, my parents and siblings. My cousins, aunties and uncles, older friends, a dozen fave teachers, headmistress, my proprietress! They really were made of titanium, indestructible; they dove in headlong, strong, breathed fire, saved the day. 

Well, I'm getting much closer to 30 and with that age comes this clarity and insight into the cracks in humanity. A few months ago, I came face to face with a revelation about some of my heroes, after whom I had named certain life lessons, theories and principles. 

One of them came out and told me this truth and I couldn't deny my disappointment. The other hero made a significantly bad decision and couldn't shake this constant habit they had gotten into. I didn't know what to do.

What do you do when you realize you super heroes have kinks in their stories?

What do you do when you realize that Wonder Woman has an identity crisis; that Superman suffers from myopia and wears spectacles and is also susceptible to kryptonite; that Achilles’ heel is weak and makes him mortal.

I saw these heroes of mine who I looked up to in a different light, and that light wasn't flattering--hair disheveled, superhero spandex suits stuck between their butt cheeks. I saw them wiping their noses on their sleeves; and staggering a little, unsure, uncertain and severely human. 

At first, I was hit with disappointment and I struggled with the disappearance of the glimmer that hallowed them so. It was like discovering Santa is a kleptomaniac or that your mentor has been arrested for fraud. It broke my heart. Then I looked closer.

I watched the hesitation in their eyes before they took steps, I saw them put up brave faces and hide their scars.

I saw their fragility and frailty.

And then it dawned on me, even heroes have a right to bleed*. They are allowed to falter and goof. Now, instead of despising them for their frailty, and for ruining my childhood fantasies, my heart warms up, as I am able to identify with them. I am actually able to reach out and touch them; to know they are real. To hold them in my arms. To hold their tears but honor them for their greatness, to hold them in higher regard than I ever did. Now to my respect for them, I have added love, one without condition. I'm able to love my broken Wonder Women and Super Men with their tired rubbery spandex and faded wind-fluttering capes.

These days they wear cotton, and sometimes linen, but hands on their hips, eyes on the horizon, in the nick of time they still save the day. 

-Dedicated to“Gigi” and“Riri” my heroes.

 Reference: *Line from Superman-Five for Fighting

4 Kid-Habits that are secretly Life-Hacks

Little people are synonymous with the word "unjaded". All they care about is...well, nothing. Their carefree attitudes cause them to have a unique perspective on life and to act in certain ways which we as adults sometimes fail to grasp. I mean, yes, they drive us up the wall sometimes but other times, they are completely wise and so worthy of emulation! Here are 4 habits to hack life with; habits that come naturally to children that we simply must adopt:

Laugh

Children laugh. They laugh over 400 times a day. I'm guessing this is because they don't have any worries, no bills, no Instagram like-scarcity, they definitely don't watch the news, just purple suede dinosaurs and talking moon-faced trains. I'm not sure we'd find 400 events to laugh at in a day as adults. We can fake-laugh though; it's something my niece taught me. Laugh for absolutely no reason!

Ask Questions

A typical 4-year old asks about 437 questions in one day. Lol! Mums and dads can probably testify. I'll be sure to introduce my children to Siri as soon as they can speak or redirect the questions to daddy. I'm joking. I think the reason adults get irritable with all those questions is because we've lost the sparkle of wonder and curiosity....and we are tired half of the time.

We have to re-learn curiosity. Ask questions. Note to self.

Develop Offense-Amnesia

Kids are the best. Have you ever been upset with a child, and then they apologize, but you are still a little upset? Or have you ever made a child cry and THEY come to hug you and apologize? In a flash, they've moved on and started playing with their toys or coloring a picture and showing it to you? There's just a purity about their souls that shouldn't be lost in adulthood either.

Make good decisions

Children do the right thing (well, most of the time). According to a study conducted by the Yale Infants Cognitive Centre, it turns out we are born with the innate ability to make the right decisions. In this study, babies as young as 3 months old, observed two puppet bunnies in a puppet show; one dressed in green, one in orange. The bunny dressed in green was seen helping another toy during the puppet show, while the one dressed in orange was mean to the toy. When asked to choose one, the babies chose the bunny dressed in green(the helpful bunny). The babies chose the "good" bunny! Watching the video, is almost unbelievable. There really is an innate ability to tell right from wrong, to make the right decision.

Make good decisions guided by your innate moral convictions!

 Do you have little people in your life? What's the best part about hanging with them? Any life lessons?

Follow

Almost Married to Jake- 2,555 days of Summer!

Conversation I imagined between Rachel and her dad, Laban:

Rachel (beautiful and dramatic, screeching at the top of her voice, yanking at her hair): But dad, I love him and he loves me!!!!!! Why can't we be together?!

Laban (rolls his eyes): Because of the goats, my daughter, because of the goats

Rachel: What does my love life have to do with your goats?!

Laban: You used to be my chief operations officer! You used to be my best shepherd, then you meet some run-away kid who goes around making stew and stealing people's birthrights! You were my COO! Now who will be in charge of operations and Supply Chain Management?!  Let your boyfriend work for me, if he can promise me returns on my investments, increased productivity and increased randiness among the sheep, then you can be married. I might even consider giving him some equity, a few goats and sheep.

Rachel: Ok, dad. How long do we have to wait?

Laban: 7 years

Rachel: What?!!!!! I'll be like a hundred by then!

Laban (puffing his shisha and looking over his spectacles): Don't be so dramatic, Rachel, what do you want Leah to say? Plus no sneaking into his tent at night. I got eyes all over this place........No making out either!

Rachel (mutters under her breath): Yeah, right.

The bible said none of that by the way that's all me, however, I can imagine Rachel, miserable and anxious, waiting to be allowed to marry the man she was in love with.

She was made to wait 7 years and so was Jake. Yeah, just a couple thousand days, approximately two thousand five hundred and fifty-five days. During that time, God was working. He was working on Jake (as he always does on us), preparing him to be a better man, a better husband, purging him of his Yoruba Demon ways, showing him that there were other ways to succeed other than being deceitful and stealing stuff! He was refining him and equipping him to be that tenacious man who wrestled with God and prevailed! He was preparing him to be Israel.

So, I ask Rachel, would you rather walk down the aisle with the whipped teenage boy who ran around making stew and stealing birthrights, or the mature, resourceful, refined business man who wrestled with God in prayer and prevailed! 

God works overtime, he never ever ever clocks out. And guess who he's working for--you. If you are like Rachel waiting for a guy, wouldn't you rather let God expunge his Yoruba Demon-ness before you meet him? If you are building your business and it's taking forever, wouldn't you rather let God set all things together working for your good, even things you are unaware of? Take your time, while God gets your "ish" together for you, chill and enjoy your (±) 2555 days of Summer!

P.s: This post was supposed to be about how Jacob waited 7 years and we were supposed to laugh about how whipped he was and how he wasn't allowed to get laid but he was so deep in love he didn't care. And then I was going to ask if love like this still existed today. Clearly that post didn't go according to plan! Feel free to comment on both the intended and unintended post! 

Illustration by @poetolu

6 Environmentally-Friendly Tips for your Wedding

It's 2016 and we all owe it to our planet to be environmentally conscious and 'green', right? Loving the earth every day and taking care of it is our responsibility, even on our big days! Many people give it very little consideration because we are a little preoccupied with the perfect cake, perfect flowers, the 9-foot chocolate fountain and the ice sculpture of you and bae standing under the Eiffel Tower or some other landmark of considerable importance. No one cares about the earth on their wedding day! I definitely didn't care. I didn't think my own event contributed to any environmental degradation, but it probably did, for one, the cooks in the backyard cooking with firewood so we could get the authentic jollof rice taste and aroma may have made a little contribution. That rice though....😍

Now seeking ways to right my wrong but Earth, you and I know jollof rice ain't jollof rice without firewood. So we have to find a middle ground. A "smoky-flavored jollof rice" seasoning might be the solution; Nestle, Unilever, I just dropped a product development pitch in your lap. BAM! 

Ok, things went jollof-centric suddenly. Back to the reason for the post; here are a few things to consider when planning a "green" wedding.

Electronic invites

Paper wedding invitations are pretty (most of them, anyway) and are tangible, which are their main selling point. Although, thought should be given to electronic invites. They are instant; no wait times and are paperless. You and I know where paper invites end up; fending off soldier ants in the rainy season- ablaze; as make-do dustpans and in less dramatic parts of the world, I guess they just end up in the shredder. I know how long it took for me to make a decision about my paper invitation cards, to think that's how they ended up, lol, yup, I should have done the e-invites. Two e-invite platforms that make very pretty, chic invites are paperless post and labellecarte.

Wedding dress(es)

Do you really need two dresses? If you do, Make sure your second dress is beautiful and practical enough to join your wardrobe subsequently. Reuse makes the earth happily green.

Bridesmaids dresses

To all the bridesmaids out there, I got you. Let your bridesmaids choose their dresses, there's a higher chance they'd pick a dress that could be reused for other occasions with little or no modifications. Pretty Dresses= Happy bridesmaids= Reuse= Green wedding

Favors

Are your favors useful? Yes? Are they useful short-term or long-term and unique? Honestly, if I could trade in all the plastic fans favors that accumulated in my house in 2005 and the wall clocks in 2008 for a kobo, i’d be writing in my beach house somewhere on the Pacific. Favors are given with the right intent; to honor the bride and groom while giving out a gift to the guests. Give out favors and souvenirs that are useful and unique.

Gifts (registry)

Get people to spend wisely by setting up a registry with things you actually want and also to avoid duplicity. Many-a-wall-clock strewn around the homes of newly-weds, when they actually would like a pressure cooker.

Flowers

Use fresh flowers from the bouquet as potpourri. Even though the bouquet falls apart after the toss most of the time. If you have them all around reception area, potpourri is a good idea! Here's a link on how to make potpourri!

Here are more tips for the hard-core nuptial environmentalists. 

Have a wonderfully green wedding and if you are throwing rice as confetti, remember to sweep it and eat it for dinner!

Lol!!! I'm kidding! I'm kidding! I just had to.

xx

5 Things to Know When Your Unofficial Girlfriend is Engaged to Another Guy

Here's a fun story:

Boy meets girl. Girl falls deeply in love. Like deep, DEEP, like she fell, FELL (repetition for emphasis); so deep that she breaks every single bone in her body (If you said bone, BONE, you're a genius).

So anyway, girl falls hard and boy falls too. They are in this beautiful place where they can't get enough of each other. They are always chatting and tagging; laughing and teasing; hugging and kissing.

However, because it's 2015, boy doesn't quite make clear what his intentions are.

Let's all pause and think about a guy we know who does this as a habit.

[Got a name? Ok, insert the name every time you see 'he']

"It's 2015" he says, " No one makes being official a big deal. No one asks a girl out anymore. It's 2015!"

Now in boy's mind, he thinks he has a girlfriend or some derivative of a girlfriend. He thinks they have an unstated understanding of exclusivity.

Girl, on the other hand, is dying to ask the "What are we?" question but is pretty conflicted on the inside; she doesn't want to seem too desperate, she thinks she's a 2015 girl too, so she doesn't really need a statement of commitment; then there are those stupid memes that make girls who ask that question seem stupid. She really really wants to know, she needs to know but she still doesn't ask.

Their relationship begins to dwindle.  Soon, they drift but still do not quite end it officially......because of course, what's there to end?

 Here's the punch line:

Two months later, girl is engaged!

Ain't  no sunshine when she's gone....🎧 

I've heard this story, one too many times. I decided to write a post on it because I know the girl in this story is usually looked upon as a branch-swinging monkey, jumping from guy to guy, in a record amount of time, to achieve her new marital status.  I am here to defend the girl....and the guy.

To all the disgruntled men who have been ditched by this girl, please understand that this situation was beyond your control. Psych! No it wasn't! You were very much in control of this situation. In fact, everything was hinged on your decision to publicly declare that you wanted to be in a relationship with her. How easy would that have been? Say,"Would be my girlfriend?" Seriously, say it out loud. See how easy that was? Better late than never, huh?

15A.D, 2015, 2030, 2078, the Jetson-age, doesn't matter, you have to make your intentions known! We all wish you said something to her but now she's married or engaged.

......It's not warm when she's away.......🎤 

I know you are kicking yourself every night as you think about her and you're thinking about pulling an 'Adele-Hello' on her; thinking about crashing the wedding; thinking about stealing the bouquet before the ceremony starts; thinking about raising your hand during the "forever hold your peace" bit.

I sympathize genuinely, I do but she had to do what was best for her.

Bet you have some questions though like,  what happened? How did she get over you so fast? Was she dating someone before? How do you explain this sudden engagement? Is she a branch-swinging monkey? 

All these will be answered in the sequel......*drumroll*

......Ain't no sunshine when she's gone and she's always gone too long, anytime she goes away🎤 ........More like forever

9 Unusual but Effective Couple Habits

Besides holding hands, staring deeply into each others eyes while sharing a giant tub of ice-cream and listening to Savage garden on shared earplugs every Saturday afternoon, besides going to the movies on Tuesday nights and flooding Instagram with Usies, there are tons of other couple habits that help build a healthy relationship. Here's a list of not-so-ordinary habits that can be adopted to build a fun, deep and healthy relationship. #1 is the hardest pill to swallow and maybe #9 too. Probably #7 too. #2.....takes some self-disciple. Ok...just read and let me know. Enjoy!

1. Tell each other about attractions to other people (cringe, told you)

   Why: It eliminates insecurity, builds honesty and accountability

   Before anything else, your partner should be your friend and communication should be very     much embedded in your relationship. Being honest about attractions to other people is a very rare habit that can only work in a relationship that is very secure and with equally secure individuals, who have the same goal of making their relationship work. If that's in place, then the announcement of a crush doesn't seem so doomsday-ish, more like a teeny obstacle to be managed. Being able to talk about attractions sets your relationship several levels higher than the average and the wise and effective management of the situation, sets it echelons higher than excellent.

2. Laugh 95% of the time

    Why: Why not?

    Laughter is rumored to be the best medicine. Now, the medicine is not really the laughter itself, but the feel-good feeling derived from with the company you are with. Laughing with your other half creates a deeper social bond and release endorphins. In fact, laughing produces the same effect exercise does! It increases your heart rate and blood flow, increases your immune response. And best of all, laughter burns calories.* It's like working out with your partner without lifting a finger.

3. Resist the nag bone 

   Why: Studies show nagging reduces your partner's lifespan

   I bet you didn’t know that. So if you want your partner around for longer, i suggest you stop nagging. He heard you the first time. As for men who nag, (lol, I know you exist) just stop it. STOP. It completely negates the effect of #2, in fact it negates this whole list. If your spouse nags, you need to get them to stop, your life is in danger! Send them this post!   

4. Solve your disagreements in less than an hour 

   Why: prevents anger and hurt from festering

    While researching for this post, i discovered quarreling too frequently might result in early death (I guess the grim reaper is generally drawn to couples, aye?) Even more interestingly, the unemployed spouse (namely the housewife, in most cases), is who dies first. What?! This is so unfair. Women always get the short end of the stick. If you are a nagging house wife, please stop. #3 promises to kill your husband and #4 promises to kill you too.  Fights are healthy as long they are infrequent, don't involve physical or emotional bullying and as long as they are resolved with a timely, concrete "how-to-move-on-from-this-situation" solution.  Like any other situation, fights need to be managed properly, otherwise, the anger festers and the  resentment grows, stuff gets weird and then casket. Not worth it.    

5. Imbibe the "Aphrodisiac diet"  

   Why: to increase the kink

    Here's a list of foods to add to your daily meal schedule for increased hankipankiness: Avocados, Hot chilies, Bananas, Dark chocolate, Oysters, Pomegranates, Red wine, Salmon, Walnuts, Vanilla, Watermelon. 

6. "Us time" = 5 X Social Media time

     Why: Because Social Media is not going to get you any

      The average person spends about 2 hours per day on the internet. 28% of that time is spent on social media (SM) platforms. That's about 33-45 minutes, roughly. Most of this SM time is spent in the presence of a spouse and that's expected because you can hardly do it freely at work. So on the couch you plop, with your screen in your face and her all blurry in the background. All this is fine, i'm not going to campaign that social media time be reduced. I'm however going to suggest that the time spent with your spouse matches this Facebook time....by 5. Let's do the maths, for every 45 minutes of Facebook time, you give your partner your undivided attention (without your phone) for 3hours 45 mins. Not too bad, right?

7. Talk after the big 'O' 

    Why: Because pillow talk matters

     Pillow talk matters because right after orgasm, oxytocin (the love drug) floods both individuals making them feel a heightened level of trust and intimacy, setting the atmosphere for deep, future-planning and concrete conversations. Most people are very likely to confide and feel secure after pillow talk. In general, this leads to a healthier and blissful feeling of security (....until he falls asleep). Some even suggest that pillow talk might be as important as sex itself. Who knew?

8. Speak life into each other's lives

    Why: Because it loads your minds with confidence and beastly determination (and who      doesn't need that)

     The only thing worse than cussing out your partner is not speaking anything at all. Some of us let life happen to our partners, we don't pray for them, we don't confess scriptures into their lives. Speaking into his life assures him that you have his back and most importantly God has his back. Positive encouragement also makes him more coordinated and efficient in executing tasks, which explains why your company insists you go for those motivational seminars and listen to that man with the brown tie for hours. Instead of letting your partner get all his  motivation from a book or the man in the brown tie, be his life coach. Speak and Sustain.   

9. Hang out with him while he's on the toilet

    Why: there is no good enough reason for this 

      I don’t even know where this idea came from! I'm not sure if gisting while on the toilet makes you closer. Maybe it does, maybe not. You should try it though, even if it’s once, in a bathroom with an open window and maybe a fan and some air freshener and some scented candles and a gas mask. 

Do you know any more unusual but effective couple habits? Or do you already do these?

*Note that 10-15 minutes of laughter burns just 50 calories. Yup, the only way to burn away that 700 calories you just had, is to laugh for over two hours.  

Follow