How to Relate with People with Walls (Hello, Jericho)
Ever so often, we run into people I call "Wallies"- people with walls; walls around their hearts, minds and thoughts and we try to be the valiant knights that blow those walls in with a canon ball.
Before you get all bombs-away on a "Wallie", remember that no one is born with walls. Walls are built from trauma resulting from bad experiences.
I used to be a Wallie and it was a means of providing the security I wanted for myself. Of course, my first line of defense was a permanent scowl, which worked quite nicely, until I met people who didn't care whether I scowled or not, they intended to talk to me anyway! *side glance*
Most walls are unconsciously built, while others are consciously built in a deliberate attempt to keep their internal environment controlled, I believe I was in both categories. I was so good at this wall-business that if anyone tried to reach into my space and obstruct my building process, I'd splatter some cement on their arm and build them along the wall. Hehe. Was it fun? Yeah! Was it lonely within those walls? Yeah, sometimes.
I remember meeting this Wallie, who I really wanted to be friends with but she had like a Jericho-type situation going on, and honestly, I wasn’t prepared to put in that much work or circle her walls 7 times till they fell down flat. I had hoped she would come out at her own time but she never did, plus, I had my own walls too. Two weird Wallies. Tsk.
By the time my walls crumbled, and I came to discover the world outside my walls, which was filled with opportunities to be sensitive to other people and their needs and to do good, she was gone.
From being a Wallie, I learnt to respect other people’s experiences by trying not to scale their walls unless I was invited. I also taught myself to put in a little more effort with other Wallies and retired Wallies!
It’s usually a good idea to respect the walls others have and not feel the need to draw them out by their hair, screaming. One day, on their own watch, they will step out or let you in, if you wait around.
What do you think about this? Are there times you think walls should be blown apart? If you have walls, what does it take for you let people in? I'd really love to hear your thoughts.
Have you read this post from our "Dating like Crazy" series? Our writer talks about dating with walls after a traumatic experience.
How to make your Sex schedule feel less scheduled!
"Argh! It's sex night", My friend grumbled. I looked at her strangely. I wasn't married at the time and I wondered why she sounded so disappointed. Even more odd, was the term "sex night". What's a "sex night"? I decided to opt for a literary interpretation and stared at her blankly. "Duh, of course it's "sex night" ", I responded, "Every night should be sex night."
It was then, for the first time, that the concept of the "sex schedule" was explained to me- 3 times a week, tired or not, kids asleep preferably and a glass of red. Lie there long enough, someone gives up, both resort to cuddling. Lights out, snore. Dream of mystical creatures and shopping malls.
I'm kidding, she didn't say any of that. She stopped at "3 times a week, tired or not, kids preferably asleep". It sounded very dreary, still.
Wherever her husband was, I was very sure he wasn't moaning and complaining that it was sex-night later. He probably clicked his heels in a leap as he went to the water dispenser and had a mariachi band playing in the corner of his office.
Women tend to be the main barrier to sex, this is because we believe mental stimulation should precede physical stimulation, that is, we have to be in "the mood" or nothing is going to happen. However, most women report enjoying sex, even if they started out uninterested at first. It's weird, I know. According to Michele Weiner Davies, the author of Sex-Starved Marriage, women shouldn't wait for fireworks but work with the embers! How insightful. She also recommends figuring out what gets you in the mood, otherwise you'll just lie there like a cranky fish, thinking about the oatmeal bagels and French vanilla hot chocolate you plan to have for breakfast.
So anyway, I figured I'd do some research on ways to make scheduled sex feel less so. Here's what I found:
Buy new steamy underwear
Buy some precious little's, just in time for sex-night! Recommended by marital and sex therapists!
Relax
Learn to take time out for yourself. Do something that gets you to relax at least once a day. Stress is sex's worst enemy.
No more Vampire-sex
For some reason, married people have sex mostly after dark like night creatures. *Rme* Try some sunlight!
Play some music
Let's just say, something to drown out all that creaking. Try some Sade, Joe or a sexy playlist in your favorite music app!
Redecorate and tidy
Our minds love the thrill of new things, which is why your Amazon shopping cart is always full. Try redecorating your bedroom and if you are on a budget, move things around, reshuffle your bedroom furniture, that also gives a sense of newness. Remember to change your sheets and pick up the stray, mood-killing socks strewn around.
Venue change
Ahem...your bedroom could use a break. Try some other locations within your home! Where exactly? That's completely up to you. Creativity meets improvisation! Plus suggestions here. Not too sure about the backyard.
Skip a rest day
If you usually work with 3 days a week, how about throwing in a fourth day- just because! Impulsive and spontaneous is what makes planned sex feel less planned. Do something he's not expecting!
Think about the rendezvous during the day
This would qualify as mental stimulation. Of course, don't get lost in the daydream during a staff meeting. Save the starry eyes for later!
Love after Cardio
Scheduling sex after a good work out might work wonders. Exercise causes a release of energy which can be profitably channeled- for our purposes*grin*
Meet him half way
Don't wait to get "in the mood", we might as well be waiting for world peace, aye? Work with the embers!
What are your thoughts? Any suggestions to reinvigorate scheduled sex night day?
The League of Extraordinary Power Couples
One day, as i sat on a bus somewhere on a London high street, mildly distracted by a bunch of noisy teenagers, it occurred to me that my marriage was not about me! Alarm bells! How was that possible? Whoever heard of a marriage not being about the bride! Well, the wedding, that bit, i could have as my own but the marriage, not really.
You see on that suspiciously warm day, i realized that the fact that I was getting married to the man of my days wasn't just a benefit for me and him alone. There seemed to be a deeper purpose. Being together had to be more than celebrating promotions, having themed house-warming parties and naming ceremonies. Ed and I were together because God needed us together, to get things done for Him. Promotions and parties were just add-ons; just the side-dishes. The main dishes were hidden in His heart and we had to find them out. Yum.
Before we got married, someone asked me what our vision was as a couple! I responded with an endless 'Ummmmm...' and several clueless blinks.
I soon realized that every couple had a purpose and had to have a vision; a strategic direction that would lead to a future they both desire. It was the thing that would keep them both on the same page, causing them to succeed as a functional unit.
Imagine if that vision was in concord with the vision God already had for them. It'll be nothing less than extraordinary.
Every couple has a divine reason they are together and anything that tries to contradict that is a distraction from the fact.
As i got off the bus that day, 3 thoughts came into my mind; (1) we needed a vision (2) I needed to stop daydreaming on buses, I always missed my stop lol (3) God needs us, the same way we need him ♥️
No matter how long you've been married, please come together and write out your goals; personal goals as a couple, financial goals, spiritual goals, goals that build the community etc. Make time to evaluate your progress and don't be afraid to do more. Remember to ask God what he needs you accomplish as a team and a family.
Please share and invite people to be part of God's non-exclusive league of extraordinary power couples!
xx
20 Practical Tips to manage Love Spats
In an ideal world, you and bae would do nothing all day other than eat shiny apples from mystically named trees, swim in shimmery rivers and run around absolutely naKed. However, earth-to-us, that's not the case. Relationships in the real world are great...until a disagreement pops up. Several people believe that having too many fights might erode the quality of a relationship, but this isn't what science tells us. In a study, it was observed that the health of a relationship does not depend solely on the frequency of quarrels but on the method and technique of resolving issues. In fact, another study argues that conflicts arise as a result of a lack of conflict management skills in a relationship.
Skills. Conflict management. Misunderstandings. Science. *Chin in palm* If only someone would write a blog post on how to practically apply conflict management skills to love spats, so we can get back to the naKed part....
Say no more, here are 20 practical tips on resolving relationship conflicts- any conflict really.
1. Make the conscious effort to remain calm. [This is the 1st bottleneck of the spat. Once you do, it only becomes easier]
2. Identify the main root of the fight and the cause of irritation. If you are passive aggressive itmight take a little longer [bottleneck 2]
3. Be eager to resolve the problem
4. Speak only when your partner is calm too
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Now the fun part (who is going to break the silence...a post for another day!) There's always one person who can tolerate the silence less, if that's you congratulate yourself and give yourself a little wink...you might be the more mature one, you might also be the one who gets to the resolution finish line faster, so don't feel sad you always have to break the ice.
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5. Do not respond based ONLY on your point of view
6. Do not try to punish. Punishment is the other side of naKed. We don't want that.
7. Think: How do we move on from here?
8. Don't play the victim
9. Think clearly
10. Do not throw the solution of the problem at your partner. Let him/ her work through it and find a solution with minimal guidance
11. Respect your differences
12. Be humorous
13. Listen
14. Explain your point of view in a clear and respectful way
15. Keep your voice down
16. No name calling, no blaming, no nagging, no visiting the past or parochial conclusions
17. No, it's never too late now to say Sorry🎶
18. Address every issue in isolation , none of that "This is just like last time......" or "you always.....", "You never"
19. Forgive. Like it never happened.
20. x and makeup
Misunderstandings are just an expression of different needs that long to be met, usually expressed in mismatched voices and perfect scowls. I hope this post helps ease the scowls!
Have a great weekend xx
How to Give Advice
#1 Don't
*Supposed End of post*
What do you think though? Do you give advice often? How does it play out? How often is your 2 cents really appreciated, especially in complicated situations; take advising a mistress or side-chic as an example. If you know any, do you honestly think she'd take your advice?
Side-chics get advised more often than a juvenile delinquent. Everyone wants to chip in and tell Stella that dating the married guy is suicide....and in some cases, Stella, it is. It really is. Don't say we didn't tell you.
The best thing to do in my opinion is not to advice or at least learn to advice properly; whether financial, career, marital, weight management, parenting advice. It has to be done right. It takes a lot of maturity and self-control to effectively advice a person and have the person really listen and see your point. Seeing someone doing something wrong and taking the time to provide reasonable, loving advice takes ALOT. If you insist that #1 is not an option and this person is really important to you, ensure its done right and read on!
#2 Have the right motive: Your motive should be to encourage, to lift, not to tear down. Your advice should be communicated in love and with the utmost respect, not with malice or in derision. If your motive is to show that you are superior, or to scorn or to gloat refer to #1
#3 Don't speak without planning out your thoughts. The great thing about thoughts is that they reflect themselves in your speech. If you aren't coming from a good place, it definitely will be obvious in your choice of words. Sort your mind out first before talking to someone else about their issues.
#4 Never ever start off with "I told you so" or "You should know better" or "A word of advice". Those conversation-starters are dynamite! They get a person defensive and slight impenetrable to your well-wishing words.
#5 Be patient. People don't naturally like advice, so take it slowly, very slowly and speak plainly. If you aren't a patient person, don't bother; refer to #1
#6 If you really must advice, make sure it's not condescending
We aren't any better than anyone else. We are just privy to some information which we are fortunate to be able to share. If "Condescending" is your middle name, refer to #1
Did I miss anything? Share below!
12(plus one) Marriage Turbo Buttons for 2016
Sometimes, marriage might feel like an airplane; complete with turbulence, smooth flying, being stuck in a confined space with someone who farts (*blank stare*), cruise control, altitude changes. Fun stuff, this post's focus though, is on being stuck in cruise control. If you feel like your marriage went a little passive in 2015 or before and it could do with a little "-umph" and some engine revs, you should try hitting some turbo buttons. Trust me, you won't regret any of these suggestions and if you are into New year resolutions, this works perfectly. If you aren't, of course, you don't have to wait till 2016. You can start now! Hit those turbos!
1. The "Naked" Button
Sleep or cuddle naked more often, it causes the release of oxytocin which gets you a-bonding, even tighter than before!
2. The "Shorter fights" Button
End those fights quickly. There are just so many other things to be doing, see Button # 8!
3. The "Deal with it" Button
Resolve deep-set issues, the types you both know but never feel like dealing with. Yup, those bad boys, they morph into problems down the line.
4. The "Nag-less" Button
Nagging kills. It does. No joke. One minute nag-nag-nag, the next, ploop on the floor.
5. The "Turnt Up" Button
Party with bae! Dress up, go out. Celebrate each other. Studies show couples who celebrate eachother's achievements are happier! Party!
6. The "We-time" Button
Create time for challenging activities with one another. Do all the stuff you tagged eachother on IG in 2015, saying "Relationship goals" or "This could have been us."
❤️
7. The "No plus One" Button
Also known as "the No third parties" Button. Deal with your issues yourselves, even if you need to lock yourselves up in a room and sort the issue(s). Two is better than one and trust me, two is better than three.
8. The "BURN IT DOWN" Button 😏
Burn it down, very often*. 2016, your year of steam, sparks, lights and everything torrid and heat-related.
9. The "Better me-Better us" Button
Becoming a better version of yourself has a positive effect all around especially in your relationships. Get self-help books and media supplies.
10. The "Flirt" Button
Flirt shamelessly publicly and privately.
11. The "Media-off" Button
Turn off the tv, toss the phones, share a bottle of your favorite beverage and giggle/chuckle/snort all night.
12. The "Game-on" Button
Play a game together (I'm algorithmically challenged, so Ed beats me at all video and phone games. Almost all games in fact, all but Basketball! Hehe!
13. The "Thought bubble" Button
Think about bae. Studies show thinking about your romantic partner increases your energy levels! So get those thought bubbles up and running, then, you'll get more energy for #8!
What are your improved relationship plans for 2016? Do you do these already?
Love, Angels and Grunts
"Don't give people advice once they fall in love. Give it before." That's what one of my older friends says.
We all know people are very irrational when it comes to love, so once a person keeps coming back to you with the same problem, same complaints, same situation, same bruise(different eye), you need to grunt and be done with it.
No point trying to "speak sense" into anyone who is in the skies above, floating on heart-shaped clouds with harp-playing angels. Though the Angels have also wondered and probably asked her about the black eye from last week and the inverted bruise this week. They asked what she's doing up, up here on the clouds still, naturally she must have replied them with the ".....but I love him" statement, so the Angels grunt and play on.
No one really listens to you when you advice them to leave someone they think they are in love with. They usually come to the realization themselves and not because someone told them to. This happens in time or sometimes never at all; sometimes they remain with the bruise-giver for life. As a friend, be ye not irritable if she knocks on your door and stumbles in with a tear-streaked face, sits on your sofa and asks for the umpteenth time, "Should I leave him?", she's crying yet again, using up all your tissues, just like she did last week. And the week before. (This is why you tactfully bought her some handkerchiefs for her birthday).
Even though it's eating you up inside and you want to shake some sense into her, show her a mirror and scream "Yes!" in all 7000+ languages (with the angels as backup voices), just grunt. Seriously, don't bother. #JustGrunt
P.s: If you need to ask someone if you need to leave some guy, you already know the answer. Grunt.
What are your thoughts on grunting? Would you keep advising or would you grunt in chorus with the Angels?
5 Tips to Consider when Catching Fish (and by fish, we mean a guy)
Imagine coming out of the worst relationship in the history of relationships. Maybe you ended it voluntarily or you were 'involuntarily dislodged' (aka dumped), you are a little sad and angry but generally relieved. People come up to you, console you, they slap you on the back and say how there are many fish in the sea, a plethora of opportunities; clown fish, gold fish, snappers, the striped ones (can't remember what they are called), those shiny ones, the scaly ones. They say "No worries! There are 28000 species of fish, if you take out the Sharks , we still have more than 26000 species to work with still!"
I feel as if at this point I have over-explained the technicality of “fish in the sea.” You get my point though, you leave a dyfunctional relationship and jump off the ledge into the sea of singlessness expecting to be surrounded by all these amazing, hot fish but it's all silent on the sea floor. Then....oh! you see a fish! You try to get his attention, but instead attract the attention of his unfriendly spouse; a menacing snapper. "Well", you think to yourself, "the world is a sea, there will be fish for me." At this point, I should state explicitly that fish will be synonymous with a guy in this post.
Where are all the guys? This promised bliss and plethora of options seems a little inconsistent with the situation at hand. For some reason, all that's available for now are your ex (sea weed) and loads of married people (sea anemone). What happened to all the fish?!!
Well, the fish are all in there. Right there! I'm sure it doesn't help either when someone who got out a relationship like you suddenly gets a new fish. People never tell their fishing secrets! Even at the market, fish show up, placed on ice or filleted and sealed in a plastic bag, there's so much they don't tell you at the market or on the packet about the process of catching fish, likewise, there's loads of stuff happy couples don't tell you about the process of catching fish, but you know how I like to be the teller so, these are my observations on the fish scarcity and five tips on being a bit more strategic with fishing using real fishing methods:
Remember, everyone is looking for a different kind of fish and all methods are different. So this may or may not apply to your fishing endeavours. Here we go......
1. Patience!
I live in one of those places where the lake freezes over and people drill holes in the frozen lake, sit on little buckets/stools and fish...for hours, in the cold, cold, o-so cold air. I watch these guys fish from the comfort of my car (naturally) and admire their tenacity. They sit, resolute, for quite a long time. Most amazingly, sometimes, they catch a fish and if the fish isn't situable for their needs(e.g too small), they put them back! So after sitting in the cold for ages, I finally get a tug on my line or in our case a guy decides to ask me out, a guy that actually likes me and then I choose to let him off the hook? Why in God's blessed world would I do that? Well, because that's not what the fisherman wants or requires. How quickly do we settle for less, when we are pressured by the environment and the harsh nagging voice of society to be engaged before 24. Not every tug on the line is The right Fish. True, everyone is getting married but they probably didn't marry the first fish they caught. Which makes it necessary to know what exactly it is you want in a fish. Yup, have some fishing standard.
3rd fish, first row...hell-to-tha-naw, to the no no no 🎤 LOL!
2. Know thy fish
So do you want a fish with muscles, a fish that likes to karaoke in his spare time, a fish who likes to walk on the beach, a church fish, a fun fish, a geek fish(the best!), a dimpled fish, a shy fish. Great, you know what you want. Specificity helps direction and technique.
To be honest, I didn't know specifically what kind of fish I wanted but I definitely wanted a God-loving, honest, fun and wise fish. I left the details to God. Awesome thing about God, all other things are usually added when you leave stuff to him but first, basic specifications.
3. Habitat (I)
Fishermen do alot more than catching fish when out on the lake. They actually stop for a moment and get acquitainted with the habitat, they take in the environment, enjoy it or at least they try to. Key word being, TRY. Enjoy being single. Married people never tell you but sometimes, just for a milli-second in the middle of a hot stressful Wednesday afternoon with their spouse upset on the other side of the phone, they reminisce about the days they were single and stare ruefully into the horizon. So enjoy the environment and your status while you fish!
Habitat (II)
Also understand the habitat of the kind of fish you want. If your kind of fish likes to hang around karaoke bars, well, you know where to set up your tent...and I think I have unintentionally set you up as a stalker. Lol. No stalking, no tents; all figures of speech.
4. Bait Right
While there is no creepy-less way to say this, it's important to bait your fish by attracting the attention of the kind of fish you want. Types of baits: Appearance, Body language, Crew(as in friends/crowd), Location. Dress to attract what you want, polish your body language. Your friends and your regular locations are a pretty strong indication of who you are.
Then, values; your most priced bait. Whatever values you have have the ability to scare fish away or make them linger and eye the bait. If your values are compatible with fishie's, then he bites, which is what we want! Yay!
5. Consulting
Jesus is like the Ernst and Young for fishing! Not even kidding, he is like THE fish-farming-catching consultant, ask Peter. He can help you find the right fish! You just need to ask and you'll be recommending his services to everyone like I am now.
[Remember to wait in style. I'm of the school of thought that waiting around for your life to start only when you meet a new fish is a great way to waste your life. There is just so much to do! Travel, learn skills, make friends, work on you, build an empire, eat fried insects, paint murals, visit Venice, no, you don't need a man to visit Venice! I believe you should carry on with life while conserving point one (patience) and at the right time after lessons have been learnt, character has been developed, experience has been acquired (hopefully not too painful), the right person comes along. Till then style, it is.]
In no way have I tried to represent the complex, unphathomable phenomenon called love in a simplistic way. I just believe lessons can be learnt from our environment and the complexity of existence.
Do you have any fishing tips or fishing experience you'd like to drop below? Are you surrounded by seaweed? What's your best bait technique?