How to make your Sex schedule feel less scheduled!
"Argh! It's sex night", My friend grumbled. I looked at her strangely. I wasn't married at the time and I wondered why she sounded so disappointed. Even more odd, was the term "sex night". What's a "sex night"? I decided to opt for a literary interpretation and stared at her blankly. "Duh, of course it's "sex night" ", I responded, "Every night should be sex night."
It was then, for the first time, that the concept of the "sex schedule" was explained to me- 3 times a week, tired or not, kids asleep preferably and a glass of red. Lie there long enough, someone gives up, both resort to cuddling. Lights out, snore. Dream of mystical creatures and shopping malls.
I'm kidding, she didn't say any of that. She stopped at "3 times a week, tired or not, kids preferably asleep". It sounded very dreary, still.
Wherever her husband was, I was very sure he wasn't moaning and complaining that it was sex-night later. He probably clicked his heels in a leap as he went to the water dispenser and had a mariachi band playing in the corner of his office.
Women tend to be the main barrier to sex, this is because we believe mental stimulation should precede physical stimulation, that is, we have to be in "the mood" or nothing is going to happen. However, most women report enjoying sex, even if they started out uninterested at first. It's weird, I know. According to Michele Weiner Davies, the author of Sex-Starved Marriage, women shouldn't wait for fireworks but work with the embers! How insightful. She also recommends figuring out what gets you in the mood, otherwise you'll just lie there like a cranky fish, thinking about the oatmeal bagels and French vanilla hot chocolate you plan to have for breakfast.
So anyway, I figured I'd do some research on ways to make scheduled sex feel less so. Here's what I found:
Buy new steamy underwear
Buy some precious little's, just in time for sex-night! Recommended by marital and sex therapists!
Relax
Learn to take time out for yourself. Do something that gets you to relax at least once a day. Stress is sex's worst enemy.
No more Vampire-sex
For some reason, married people have sex mostly after dark like night creatures. *Rme* Try some sunlight!
Play some music
Let's just say, something to drown out all that creaking. Try some Sade, Joe or a sexy playlist in your favorite music app!
Redecorate and tidy
Our minds love the thrill of new things, which is why your Amazon shopping cart is always full. Try redecorating your bedroom and if you are on a budget, move things around, reshuffle your bedroom furniture, that also gives a sense of newness. Remember to change your sheets and pick up the stray, mood-killing socks strewn around.
Venue change
Ahem...your bedroom could use a break. Try some other locations within your home! Where exactly? That's completely up to you. Creativity meets improvisation! Plus suggestions here. Not too sure about the backyard.
Skip a rest day
If you usually work with 3 days a week, how about throwing in a fourth day- just because! Impulsive and spontaneous is what makes planned sex feel less planned. Do something he's not expecting!
Think about the rendezvous during the day
This would qualify as mental stimulation. Of course, don't get lost in the daydream during a staff meeting. Save the starry eyes for later!
Love after Cardio
Scheduling sex after a good work out might work wonders. Exercise causes a release of energy which can be profitably channeled- for our purposes*grin*
Meet him half way
Don't wait to get "in the mood", we might as well be waiting for world peace, aye? Work with the embers!
What are your thoughts? Any suggestions to reinvigorate scheduled sex night day?
Lemonade-From Halo to Pitch-Fork
I recently saw Beyoncé in her new visual album, Lemonade, where she talks about dealing with life's lemons! She talks about cheating husbands, some mysterious lady called “Becky with the good hair” (the drama, the memes...lol!), politics, heartbreak and reconciliation. Some people think it's a publicity stunt, a gimmick, which the Carters maybe cashing in on; i don't know, but one thing is certain-- Beyoncé is the Queen of crazy eyes! She has that crazy woman-scorned glare! Whether scripted or not, it's present all over her face in the one-hour video, especially in the song, Hold Up, where she runs down a street in a flowing mustard dress, smashing things with a baseball bat.
There’s only one reason in the history of histories why women ever hold a baseball bat, ever--to smash the belongings and to separate the glass from the metal in a cheating lover’s car. Women don’t touch a baseball bat for anything less. The grip is accompanied by, of course, the crazy eyes, angry, hot breath and a self-satisfied look when the deed is done.
How do women get here though? She wasn't always like that, our hypothetical crazed girl. Was she? No mother births a baseball bat-wielding, burn-his-clothes-in-the-tub, crazy-eyed baby! Clearly, it a process and journey to this state.
How do women get here? Ok, true, we get a little crazy eyed at the start of menarche and every month since then but this is a different type of nuts. The nuts caused by men. Pun intended.
The typical woman on her wedding day is full of laughter, throwing bouquets, a priceless smile on her face that photographers capture with ease. Everything is beautiful, the tiers of cake, petals and tulle everywhere! The love of her life- there he is. All regal and dapper. Forever couldn’t come in better hide. On this day, there is no possibility of crazy eyes, not at the moment or even in the future. This is our default mode, let’s call her, Halo. Halo, it will always be until an unfortunate day when she is required to carry a bat, then, even hell takes a step back in fright when this scorned woman takes to the streets.
Lemonade got me asking a lot of questions; Do Halo's know from the scratch that he might cheat? Are women able to tell if a man has infidelity propensities? "If he loves you, you won't find out", what does this even mean?! How much is a baseball bat? What do women do in Nigeria, when a guy cheats? (we don't have bats) I once heard of a girl who tried to throw away the guy's stuff and got beaten up*blink*. Another girl got beaten up by the guy and his side chic, my opinion, she should have tased them.
What do men do when a girl cheats? They don't break her perfume bottles, cut out the cups in her bras and deflate her tires, do they? How distressing for her, especially the bras.
Should I make lemonades this summer? Those are the questions running through my mind. And of course, who in the world is "Becky with the good hair"?
Ok, if you read this, you should answer at least one question! Lol! Have you seen the "Lemonade" video?
5 Awesome Things I miss About Lagos
Photo credit: Ed Adegboye
Lagos is one of the most remarkable places i've ever lived. It has a life of its own; bubbly, loud, severe and self-consciously modern. It's completely oblivious to other places as it sun-bathes (literally) in its resources and lively metropolis but still, is intricately tied to the global world! It's my city crush any day and I can't wait to visit soon. Here are 5 things that I miss about Lagos:
1. The Traffic Shopping Mall
It's common knowledge that you can purchase anything while stuck in Lagos traffic. Three random items that I've negotiated for in traffic-- a dog, a Christmas tree and a standing fan! Lol! I miss you, mall of life! Innovation in retail.
2. Buka Food
While I am not an avid buka crawler like Ed, I do have certain buka crushes like "white house" in Yaba! Hmmn. I do a pretty good job with cooking my Gbegiri's and Ogbono's, but nothing beats firewood-cooked food, that wasn't cooked by you (the latter is the important part, lol). I miss the street food too; puffies! Boli! Roasted corn! Akara and bread on Ile-Ife highway! Haha! Street, yo!
3. My Adrenaline High
Driving in Lagos is my ultimate be-wary trigger. Your adrenaline is pumping over time as you swerve from an incoming bus, avoid a pothole and miss by an inch, a pedestrian walking haphazardly across the street! You have to be able to keep your eyes focused on the road and also have eyes at the back of your head, in the bid to make it to your destination in one piece , while watching out for LASTMA, FRSC and that strange guy in your window who may have a concealed weapon. I met that guy.
I do NOT miss that guy.
4. Living the Music
Listening to new Nigerian music on YouTube is just not the same as living in Nigeria and listening to it in your car or at a party on the weekend or is it just me who feels this way?
5. Yellow Cabs (Oko asewo*)
The first time I heard a biker call a yellow cab driver "Oko asewo*", i was thoroughly offended! I thought he was insinuating that i was the asewo, considering the fact that i was the only one in the cab. My aunt later pacified me with the truth; "Oko asewo" is their nickname because they served a different clientele after hours. Interesting! I miss seeing them though. I'm sure uber is giving them a run for their money! I hope they aren't struggling so much. Are uber drivers the new Oko asewo's?
Where do you live? What do you miss about your last location? What do you miss about Lagos? If you live in Lagos, please recommend bukas and tell us the most interesting thing you've ever bought in traffic!
*I want to believe the translation in English is Pimp.
April's Pockets and Updates!
Hey, Guys! I apologize for going MIA on Monday. You can read Tuesday's and Wednesday's posts here and over there. Happy New Month, by the way! It's my favorite month of the year for some reason.
What are you up to this month? What are your plans? I pray they all work out great. Pleasant surprises only, April, and no deaths or sighs as we watch the News.
Imagine if you could reach into April's pockets and discover what it had for you....what would you want these surprises to be? I just wrote mine out and i plan to spend the day praying and planning towards these surprises! You should too!
Here are some updates and stuff to expect on PGI this month:
Updates
#1 We made it! We completed the 2 posts-a-day challenge! It was a fun experience. I guess one day we'll challenge ourselves to 3 a-day *crickets*. That's the way to work out your blogging muscles, apparently. For now though, we are back to one post a day, Monday to Friday. Thank you for your support during the challenge and every day ♥️
#2 This month I'll be trying one new thing every week. Who's with me? Last week, I made a new dish called Eni Kula, it's the Nupe version of Iru (Locust beans) stew. *kissing fingertips* Epic.
#3 We might talk about family a little bit more this month with Siblings' day on the 10th of April! They are our unsung heroes. No matter how much we get along or fail to, siblings are forever bae!
Have you done anything new recently? What are you doing for Siblings' day?
Feb-o-mania! Catch the Bug
Welcome to February! Remember 31 days ago, when we were estatic about January, well, clearly we are over that now! Sayonara, January! February is here, the month of heightened flirtations, torrid redezvous, weirdly shaped candies and all that good stuff!
However, before we get carried away with February's red-panic and the crazy frenzy, we need to start off the right way......I'm going to ask you a question which you are required to answer, a question you probably weren't expecting me to ask; a question you would be glad I'm not there to ask you in person because it would be weird, the air would get heavy and we'd both be very uncomfortable. Ok, are you ready? Here goes..........
'Do you love me?'
I'd appreciate if you answer honestly and out loud.
Just in case you didn't know, you ARE supposed to love me, just like you love yourself, but then you already knew that. It's the greatest power that ever will be, not to mention the most difficult and the most unnatural human trait. Love is a higher become-a-better-me kinda calling but it's worth it in the end because it always protects you!
It makes us immune to evil, it protects our minds from getting easily hurt and jaded. It keeps us sane and helps us get through the most tumultuous of situations.
However, most of us know love in theory but fail in its practicals. We fail to actively, creatively and intentionally love the people in our lives the way we should.
So, since I'm the largest culprit of all (guilty face and rosy cheeks), here's what I'm doing for the whole month, I'm taking my phone contacts, starting from the first person with the name beginning with "A" and I'm finding ways to love everyone uniquely. I'm calling it the Feb-o-mania! Love is not a one-size-fits-all, it's deliberate and tailored. Let's love, just as such.
Have a great February ahead.....and don't think I didn't hear you mumbling "Yes" to that question. **Blush** I love you too!
Feb-o-mania plans? Share! How would you show you love to friends and family? What do they appreciate the most? How does this fit into your love techniques for them?
OMS- I Laugh At These Skinny Girls
Off my shelf (OMS), today, is Tolu Akinyemi's exquisitely crafted poetry collection, "I Laugh At These Skinny Girls." Poetry for People Who Hate Poetry.
He literally just made poetry accessible to those of us that zoned-out and nodded our way through Ulysses in Literature class. Wait....did we read Ulysses? I can't even remember but we read a bunch of JP Clarks, I think.
I can assure you, if Tolu's book was a literature book in SS2, my arm would be permanently raised in Literature class.....instead of the eye-dodging professional I became with my Lit. teacher. The fiction selection was a bit zone-out-friendly too...
Teacher: Have you all read chapter 1 to 3 of Anthills of the Savannah?
Students (chorus of lies): Yesssssss!
Teacher: Ike, mention 5 themes from Anthills of the Savannah.
Me: *Zoned out already, thinking about Britney Spears new song* Errrrr.......Ants?
*Blink*
Rough times.
Anyway, if you love poetry, you'll love it and if you hate poetry, so would you! If you like being amused, it's packed with wit, while touching on significant and current issues in our society, so get a copy here or there!
This is not a sponsored post. I just read like a nerd.
Why "Yoruba Demons" are Here to Stay
Here's a conversation between my friend and I:
My friend: I enter wedding receptions these days and everywhere I turn, I see "Yoruba demons"
Me: *laughing uncontrollably*
My friend: Yes, o! And they always look so good! Fresh, with their full beards, wearing their black native and staring at you from behind their sunglasses
Me: Ehn just don't look at them na, sit down far far away from them
My friend: *sighs ruefully*
Me: *Sigh in solidarity because I know how we girls do like the quintessential bad boy*
Fact: Girls love them some Yoruba demons. We like the psycho ones that stare at us from behind the dark lenses; the ones who make us feel uneasy and uncertain; the guy that says like 5 words per day , that smells like a Tom Ford lab and throws us an occasional side grin. Yes, The one that uses his eyeball-print as the passcode to his phone and has at least 3 aliases- Jimi on the mainland, Jay-Eye on the island and Jim off the shores of Nigeria.
As for the simple, nice guys with the ready grin, one universal name and no passcode on his phone....... though, bleh, not so much.
Why? Why do we tend to fall for the no-good demon and ignore the good guy?
A study shows that we like bad boys because our minds think they might make good fathers for our kids.... I know, they lost me there too. Here's the weird biological explanation.
Women are drawn to bad boys because bad boys are confident, assertive, exciting and the biological interpretation of this to the female mind is that these confident, assertive creatures will produce after their kind, that is, produce confident, assertive children who have a better chance of surviving on the planet. Remember "survival of the fittest", this principle is engrained into our biological psyche and our decision-making process unknowingly depend on it in this case. Somewhere in our minds, the Bad boy is the alpha male and we are drawn to him because we believe he will give us viable offspring that will survive the elements.
Basically at the root of this is the need to procreate and multiply.
Note that in theory, women say they want a nice, adorable guy; the type of guy who treats his girl like a queen and loves her for who she is. But in reality, what she really wants is to fall into the clutches of a bad bad bad boy who will turn her mind to mush and give her demon babies that survive the elements!
That's just jacked up. Lol.
Then the plot thickens, a study shows that we get more to attracted to bad boys when we are ovulating! Tsk! Your own body trying to set you up to be a single parent. I can't believe it. We really are our own worst enemies.
So, if there is a wide-eyed nice guy and a Yoruba demon up for grabs, chances are that the more aggressive guy-demon will be chosen and nice guy gets the bench. The warm friendship bench.
Girls are not stupid though, we know you are bad....so as sharp girls who want to eat their demon and have it, we choose to fix the bad boy; we want him to go to church with us, join the ushering department and submit his phone password. Just like that!
*Blink*
We want Bad boy to retire because we suddenly show up on the scene. It doesn't work that way. You'll realize this once you discover that you can't get the leopard to go spotless or to wear velvet. Demons don't change. I don't know where we get this change idea from.
I blame Disney movies for this false understanding of the concept of change in relationships. There's an implicit understanding that change is guaranteed once you get into a relationship with someone. For example, Beauty and the Beast, the guy changed because she showed up and kissed him; the little Mermaid, she kissed him and changed into a human to be with the guy; Tarzan ditched his hot signature loin cloth for a suit at some point. Since we were kids, fairy tales have been tied to the "He will change. Kiss him, he will change". Ain't no demon changing here. He won't change. If you do kiss him, you'll probably change-into a mum, a single mum thanks to your ovulating ovaries. Sigh. Girls won't stop liking the demons, they are here to stay. As for the good boys, 1 in 3 will eventually become a demon and we'll all live happily ever after.
What If Someone Refuses to "Forever Hold His Peace" at Your Wedding?!
You know that scene in the 81st minute of a love-triangle themed chic-flick, where the couple, minister and guests are in church and the minister goes "if anyone can show just cause why this couple cannot lawfully be joined together in matrimony, let them speak now or forever hold their peace" and there is silence. The groom is hoping some random baby mama doesn't show up and the bride is whispering "God, please!!" inaudibly?
Suddenly someone's hand shoots up and disrupts the entire wedding
Well, in the movies, it's usually someone saying how much he loves the bride and then they leave the groom-to-almost-be standing at the alter. They run into the sunset and the crazy audience begins to applaud. You'd know that the movies are scripted and NO ONE ever wants a disruption at their wedding!
When the minister said this statement, at our wedding, the room fell quiet, I probably muttered, "God, please!", like 12 times. Then, the videographer recording the event suddenly swings his camera to the audience, hopefully expecting some yummy-sushi-like drama!! He was sorely disappointed, he reluctantly turned the camera back to the altar. LOL.