Watching Another Person find the One
One of the three runners-up for my wedding dress was a dress I fondly refer to as "The Thumbelina dress". That's not actually what the manufacturers dubbed it but I tagged it so, to be able to tell it apart from the other 90 dresses I tried on. The Thumbelina was a fairy tale dress; and if you wore this dress, I'm not kidding now, whether you are a guy or girl, you suddenly would begin to sing in a meadow somewhere, with birds singing along, a burbling brook bouncing your voice over its gentle current. It was a "Princess-y" Belle meets Sleeping beauty kinda dress.
That day, i was at a bridal shop in Watertown, Massachusetts and at this store, they usually have one dress in a particular style, in one size, which you can later alter; so there was just one Thumbelina in the entire store. When I tried it on, I fell in love with it and I was certain I could give Cinderella a run for her money or seeds.....or whatever Cinderella spends. However, I kept trying on others, you know, testing the waters.
In the middle of the taffeta and silk whirlwind, a lady who was also trying out dresses on a podium next to me asked if she could try on "the Thumbelina"--my Thumbelina. Straight face. She had tried on about five dresses but hadn't found anything yet. Her face was drawn in a forlorn upside down smile and she seemed exhausted already. Note, by this time, i had tried on about 82 dresses! Try on Thumbelina, huh? I eyed her suspiciously. "Alright", I said.
She gladly took it off the hook in my corner and hurried to hers, stepping out of the A-lined dress she was wearing into the Thumbelina with the help of her personal shopper. As she stepped up unto her podium and turned to face the mirror, my jaw dropped to the floor. She looked like THE THUMBELINA! It looked like the dress was actually designed for her! Seriously, she put the "Thumbelina" in the dress. It fit her at every curve and stroke. There was no contest who wore it best. I had to beg her to buy the dress. I was willing to let it go. It just couldn't have looked better on anyone, anymore than it did on her.
Of course, she ran off to the till to pay. Lol.
Needless to say, I hadn't found my dress. Dress number #82 and i still hadn't found the one!
Some people find the one on the first try or the sixth try and some of us have to try on 80+ dresses or date 80+ people to find the one (I'm kidding, I don't even think that's chronologically possible lol!)
It's a sweet and sour feeling** sometimes, when you see someone find the one, you are genuinely happy for them, you toast to them, you throw the streamers and rice and party till 4am, genuinely wishing them every perfect thing God bestows- but at night when you go home with absolutely no "dress" of your own and you are all alone with your thoughts, then the feelings come.
The great thing about life is that there are times and there are seasons and they are scheduled at different times for different people. Being in stride at the exact same time with another person is very rare and probably not ideal. Everyone eventually gets their own moment and enjoys the thrill of basking in it. If you are on "dress" #70 and still contemplating testing the waters, don't be discouraged. At a certain time, you will find "the one" and you will be dropping the jaws of everyone around!
Written with all the love in my heart x
**every time i read this part i said 'sweet and sour chicken' Lol!
4 Long Distance Relationship mind-tricks + How to deal
Somewhere in between feeling like a third wheel on most social outings and scowling on the crowded train next to the kissing couple, you'll realize that this long distance relationship (LDR) isn't just your thing!
No one can take away the discomfort (putting it mildly) that LDR brings but you can sure make it easier on yourself. From experience, i noticed that LDRs tend to have certain effects on the individuals involved--minds tricks that's what they are really. The distance, of course, makes you feel as frustrated as ever and begins to play games on your mind, causing you to make decisions you wouldn't make otherwise (especially #4). I've narrowed these effects down to 4 effects, because this post could easily turn into a book if I don't. Lol!
Spoiler alert for effect #2: During our LDR, probably in our 7th year, Ed and I were away from each other for a while--the longest we had ever been. By the 3rd month, we couldn't remember what the other person felt or looked like! Don't be alarmed if this happens to you, somewhere along the line you might lose bits and pieces of the events and time you shared together, but that's ok, breathe, it doesn't mean your relationship is dying. Check out #2 for tricks!
Here are 4 tricks LDRs might have on your mind and 4 neat tricks to manage them:
1. Stuck on Stag Island
Stagnant (Stag) island: that place where you want to hide under a rock and become a hermit. From experience, I can say LDR has a knack for getting you to put your life on hold, because your Significant other(S.O) is not around. You are here watching the world go by, passing on some awesome experiences and all you want to do is dip yourself in a slow, mundane cycle and sluggishly go with the motions till you see bae again.
Neat trick: Get busy and don't let those experiences pass you by (Well, not unless they cost money and you are broke). Find a hobby. Develop yourself! If you want to go to Turkey for a- once-in-life-time internship opportunity, this would be a great time to do so.
2. Forget S.O's face and features
By week 9 of your LDR, you may begin to forget features, voice tones, the tiny things that made you fall in love with S.O. True, you talk every day on FaceTime or Imo but you can't get past the virtual barricade the screen offers. Don't panic and think your relationship is over just because you can't remember the way he feels or the way she laughs!
Neat trick: Discusswith your S.O. He/she probably feels the same way and is just as spooked about telling you. Sharing this will take the load off your shoulders. A surprise visit may also be in order, if you can afford it!
Something Ed did that helped was "a letter box". He wrote about 10 letters all sealed in individual envelopes and marked for the days I was to open them and read (P.s I love you style). *heart bubbles bursting all over my head right now* It also helped that we gave each other rich narratives of our day.
3. PDA intolerance
You suddenly become intolerant to couples holding hands and kissing on the streets. I remember one particular couple in Trafalgar Square. They were both dressed in white clothes, top to bottom, for some reason. They wouldn't stop kissing each other! If you have me a pen and paper, I could draw and label their tongues. I saw too much in one glance. Way too much.
Neat trick: Zone out of the situation and give the couple as much space as possible. There's not a lot to do in this situation but self-pacify. Lol! If you think about it, you guys will eventually be that gross couple that everyone can draw their tongues in future. Sohold your peace and focus on the future!
4. Illegally Crushing
You begin to crush on someone who is near and isn't even cute! LDRers are lonely people and are the most susceptible to having weird, random crushes. Tut. Tut. It's the LDR hustle.
Not-so-neat trick: You have two options: (1)Tell S.O about it. Reassure him/her that it's nothing. You guys can work through it together. (2) If you are going the other obvious route-the don't-tell-S.O route, please find someone who you can trust and confide in. Be accountable. It's great to have good platonic friendships at your location to ensure you aren't lonely and are occupied! It really helps, unless they are "Jacks". Lol! I just remembered that post. I'm going to read that now. I hope you enjoyed this and that it helped! Please share with an LDRers you know! Thanks!
Hey, can you identify with any of these mind-tricks? Please feel free to add any effects of long distance relationships you might have experienced below!
The Sunny Side (of your Break)-up
I'm not sure there is anything more depressing and at the same time exhilarating than a breakup. The latter, of course is not immediately apparent or realized.
My first breakup felt like I got pushed off the edge of a tower and landed on my face. Yes, it hurt, probably even more than this metaphorical face-land. Of course, it only hurt that much because he broke up with me, so I definitely had more vested in the relationship that he had. Argh. Face-land.
During that time nothing would have made me happier than getting back into the relationship, which was silly. The relationship clearly wasn't working out, was less than enjoyable in the grand scheme of things and was of an inferior quality, which I seemed to be content with; crazy thing is i seemed to want back in! It's like being set free from a dilapidated, crummy prison and they toss you out with your belongings and then you kind of sit in front of the prison, sobbing and begging to be let back in. Tsk.
If you think about it though, a breakup really is a blessing! It just means that wasn't the right person or that wasn't the right time to be in the relationship. A break up is an opportunity provided to meet the real person for you(1); You also get a chance to improve yourself before you meet this mystery 'next person'(2); You get to be single again(3). Don't let all the single people have all the fun. Live. Live like there is no tomorrow because there IS a tomorrow and it's full of plans, pretending to be a grown up and an occasional diaper slip*. Enjoy it, book a ticket somewhere, climb a wall or two, stay out late or go out early.
You see, breakups are not so bad, apart from the initial face-land....and the crying....and the wailing in front of the hypothetical prison; other than those, it actually sets you up for a bright future with a turnt-up, better version of yourself, who has completely experienced all that being single has to offer, ready to gallop into the sunset, with the right person!
*A situation where you step on a used diaper and subsequently fall face-first into it.
Other breakup posts: Breakup on a budget, the fishes in the sea after the breakup and reasons we remain in bad relationships! Enjoy!
My Spartan Siblings!
When I was three months old, my parents were involved in an accident. Fractured and recovering from concussions, they were stuck in the hospital for months as roomies--yet again ( I imagine them doing some "roomies-for-life" fist-bump as they lay in the same ward. Lol. Random)
Anyway, I had no clue what was going on, they had left me at home with my 4 older siblings that day and at 9pm(which was time for my night cap), mum and dad weren't back!
Where were they? That chirpy lady who smelt like fresh, rose-scented laundry and Elizabeth Arden's Red Door and that dark guy with the easy smile who cooed at me and called me 'babygirl', where did they go? These were my thoughts, as I chewed my foot and blew raspberries into the air, deep in thought......... as a 3-month old.
My siblings must have gathered around me in my crib, all four of them, sighing in love or rolling their eyes (lol) in compassion and in a flash jumping right into the role of parenting.
If you know babies at all, you'd know they are the neediest creatures on the planet. They have to be cleaned, fed, rocked, loved, burped, amused. Back then, babies used nappies not diapers; water not wipes; human rockers not battery-powered ones; bum air-baths not psuedocream.
For my siblings, the supposed fun, adventure known as their teenage years quickly became a blur of nappie pins, Farley's rusks and midnight babysitting. However, they sucked it up, gave the Sparta war-cry and took care of me as a team; they did it excellently well too!
My siblings are there when I need them and even when I don't. We don't always agree, which makes it all the more colorful, but we support each other in whatever way, most especially in prayers.
These days we are all busy. We catch up from time to time. I'll never really be able to completely repay them for having my back and making sure I always had on spanking-clean nappies that year, but I can requite with my unconditional sib-loving, prayers and confessions for their lives!
What's your fondest memory of your siblings? How often do you pray for your siblings? How often do you insert their name in scripture and bless them?
It's not enough to wish your siblings well; they need your love and prayers. Happy Siblings Day!
Which of these Mrs-Money-Bags Girl is She?
Money and love have long been married in a complex, symbiotic relationship for ages. Sometimes 'love' exists because of money and sometimes money ceases to exist because of love -- and the other person's spending habits. Lol. Money management disparities cause a lot of misunderstandings and disagreements between couples; and just when you didn't think this money matter couldn't get more entertaining, people, most times, get attracted to other people with contrasting spending habits. Hehe. Fun.
So, what's the best way to handle this baby? Recently, our reader and avid commenter, David, sent me an article, which covered a talk hosted by Harvard Law School last February. Present during this talk as panelists, were individuals who are experts in negotiation, lasting marriage and mediation and they were asked to give advice, provide solutions and share effective techniques to develop healthy relationships.
It was advised that couples open joint bank accounts because couples with joint accounts tend to bemore committed, "share money, time and responsibility".
Could this joint account idea be a middle ground for the financial management differences the couple might have? I wondered.
Of course, advice isn't one size fits all, because we all have different backgrounds, experiences and spending habits. Some people have intentions of owning a secret savings accounts, some love the idea of joint accounts, some just don't get it, some believe in spending one salary, some believe in spending till you drop and some believe in saving money till you drop.
As human beings, many of us have come up with ways around this money-love conundrum! Below is a list of 7 hypothetically real girls in different financial situations. I think when I was 8 years old, I wanted to be girl #2 and #7. I was almost #5 at some point! Have you ever been or do you know any of these girls? Which girl would you want to be? Which girl is your alter-ego?
Girl #1
Married. Full time job. Joint account with husband. No personal savings.
Girl #2
Married. Full time job. Joint account with husband. Secret personal savings account.
Girl #3
Married. No job. Monthly allowance from husband. No savings at all!
Girl #4
Married. Entrepreneur. Earnings spent on household. No savings. Husband's earnings used predominantly for savings and big purchases.
Girl #5
Single. Full time job. Joint investment and savings with boyfriend.
Girl #6
Single. No job. Manhunt.
Girl #7
Married. Concealed savings and property. And a crazy-believable poker face.
The Yoruba Demon-Angel Hybrid
In the post on Yoruba demons, we established that women are into bad boys. When My friend, Tee (who is a self- proclaimed Yoruba angel) read the post, he protested! He felt like there was absolutely no hope for all the good boys out there. If girls are biologically programmed to fall in love with bad boys, then what hope exists for the good guys? Did it mean he had to become a bad boy? Did nature hate good guys? No Tee, you don't have to be a bad boy to get the girl. Nature doesn't hate you, on the contrary, it loves you!
From observation, i've noticed that the good boy actually sights the girl first, and the bad boy notices her, much, much later ( because the bad boy is too self-absorbed and is swimming already in a cascading stream of women). However, on the long run the girl ends up with the bad boy. Pray tell me why?! If you were the first to see this beautiful girl, why would some other guy come along and whisk her away? Answer: Because good boys say nothing when they like a girl. Nothing. Nahda. This is from experience.
For all the good guys out there, who have lost the loves of their lives to a Yoruba demon, it's probably because you were taking your sweet time. Then science nails this baby on the head; a study shows that ...Argh.. I love science...a study by Michigan State University, shows that women would mostly choose the first man who approaches her. This is because women are risk averse and quite frankly we don't know when the next best guy will come along. So we abide by the bird-in-hand principle. If every good boy who spotted that girl first made the first move, think of all the happy couples that would be out there right now!
Nature apparently doesn't hate good guys by letting the bad guys get the girl. It, in fact gives everyone a fair chance. It especially gives good guys the upper hand with the first-come, first-speak, first-get rule. But like I said, the good boys shuffle their feet, put their hands behind their back, open their mouth and nothing comes out!
Girls fall for the bad boy because he's assertive, confident, exciting. Wouldn't it be great if we had an angel-demon hybrid who is actually fully angel but has the qualities that attract women to the bad boys; a loving, respectful, romantic, who remembers important dates and is also assertive, fun and makes the first move.
Of course, sometimes both a good guy and a bad guy make their move and she still picks the bad guy. Sigh. It's still about the excitement.
I remember one time I wanted to make this good-boy/bad-boy decision. I won't say who I chose but let's just say....I stumbled on a study to justify my actions. Watch this, you are going to love it.....and probably pass out from shock.
A study from the University of Virginia showed that people would rather put themselves in "harmful" situations than be bored. The subjects of this study were put in an empty room with absolutely nothing to do. The only thing available to them was a device with which they could electrocute themselves. After hours of being bored out of their skulls, the subjects were seen to administer small doses of electric shock to themselves! Best believe. People really, really, really, really hate being bored, which is exactly what girls think will happen when we end up in a relationship with a good guy.
So, if people would rather be electrocuted than bored, this implies and further strengthens the claim that women would really rather risk getting electrocuted by a bad guy than be in a mellow relationship. (LoL! I can't help thinking about hairs on end and everyone looking like Doc from Back to the Future in that room)
So good boys, how about that hybrid?
4 Kid-Habits that are secretly Life-Hacks
Little people are synonymous with the word "unjaded". All they care about is...well, nothing. Their carefree attitudes cause them to have a unique perspective on life and to act in certain ways which we as adults sometimes fail to grasp. I mean, yes, they drive us up the wall sometimes but other times, they are completely wise and so worthy of emulation! Here are 4 habits to hack life with; habits that come naturally to children that we simply must adopt:
Laugh
Children laugh. They laugh over 400 times a day. I'm guessing this is because they don't have any worries, no bills, no Instagram like-scarcity, they definitely don't watch the news, just purple suede dinosaurs and talking moon-faced trains. I'm not sure we'd find 400 events to laugh at in a day as adults. We can fake-laugh though; it's something my niece taught me. Laugh for absolutely no reason!
Ask Questions
A typical 4-year old asks about 437 questions in one day. Lol! Mums and dads can probably testify. I'll be sure to introduce my children to Siri as soon as they can speak or redirect the questions to daddy. I'm joking. I think the reason adults get irritable with all those questions is because we've lost the sparkle of wonder and curiosity....and we are tired half of the time.
We have to re-learn curiosity. Ask questions. Note to self.
Develop Offense-Amnesia
Kids are the best. Have you ever been upset with a child, and then they apologize, but you are still a little upset? Or have you ever made a child cry and THEY come to hug you and apologize? In a flash, they've moved on and started playing with their toys or coloring a picture and showing it to you? There's just a purity about their souls that shouldn't be lost in adulthood either.
Make good decisions
Children do the right thing (well, most of the time). According to a study conducted by the Yale Infants Cognitive Centre, it turns out we are born with the innate ability to make the right decisions. In this study, babies as young as 3 months old, observed two puppet bunnies in a puppet show; one dressed in green, one in orange. The bunny dressed in green was seen helping another toy during the puppet show, while the one dressed in orange was mean to the toy. When asked to choose one, the babies chose the bunny dressed in green(the helpful bunny). The babies chose the "good" bunny! Watching the video, is almost unbelievable. There really is an innate ability to tell right from wrong, to make the right decision.
Make good decisions guided by your innate moral convictions!
Do you have little people in your life? What's the best part about hanging with them? Any life lessons?
5 Ways to Stop her from Snooping around your Phone
Every morning you realize your phone battery reads 34%, you can't figure out why. Before you fell asleep the night before, there was at least 89% and charging. Now your phone is placed awkwardly, unplugged and your battery is a little lower than you'd hoped. Your gaze falls on her. It had to be her. She must have engaged in her nightly perusal of your phone and communication activities of the entire day again. Your own personal phone vigilante. She definitely meticulously went through your emails, messages, likes and loves; any new girls you might be following, new friends, missed calls. She must have taken screenshots; sent them to her phone, copied your entire phone book to her clipboard because, it's the thorough person she is.
There are two main reasons women take on the undignified role of phone watch-woman: (a) You are super-shady (b) She's insecure (c) There's some miscommunication, neither of you have addressed.
If she's your phone vigilante, who flinches at every red light, every bleep and every tone, stalks your activities on social media and wakes up with eye bags the size of Congo because she's been up all night solving your infidelity conspiracy, here are 5 ways to make her stop. #1 is your friend, it's the best way to keep her off your phone. #2 is even better.
- Don't give her a reason to be a vigilante: Women have at least 6 extra senses plus the first five. If you were in our heads, you wouldn't last a day, men. This means sometimes we make up stuff. Be honest and keep your business tidy and let her know that you are worthy of trust. If you do, your phone perusal drops down to a negative.
- Give her the password: It's just that simple. Hand over the password. I just gave several guys heart attacks. haha. Openness and honesty are the best ways to eradicate paranoia, your low battery problem and all those unnecessary fights.
- Move on: If you can't do #2 because you have stuff to hide, fix it, or please move on, so another person can make her happy and not drive her insane with back-to-back vigilante shifts.
- Keep her occupied: Women have very active minds (refer to #1), bolstered by our "eleven" senses. We sometimes make conclusions before the evaluation is complete. It's always a good idea to keep her engaged in a preoccupation of some sort and not left alone to her thoughts (which run amok way too often). Encourage her to get a hobby. This tempers the perusing down only a bit though.
- Manage her insecurities: Women have insecurities, as do men. Unlike men's, ours don't lay dormant, they run wild and free and create problems. lol. The most ideal way to manage her insecurities is by letting her understand that God keeps her secure and she is perfect. Also understanding the right way to love her, in addition to your constant acts and words of affirmation of your love and faithfulness, will get her off your phone in an instant.
These 5 points are not a one-time thing. They are elements of a continuous process, otherwise, tomorrow night she'll have her whistle, flashlight and your phone!
What are your thoughts?!