20 Practical Tips to manage Love Spats
In an ideal world, you and bae would do nothing all day other than eat shiny apples from mystically named trees, swim in shimmery rivers and run around absolutely naKed. However, earth-to-us, that's not the case. Relationships in the real world are great...until a disagreement pops up. Several people believe that having too many fights might erode the quality of a relationship, but this isn't what science tells us. In a study, it was observed that the health of a relationship does not depend solely on the frequency of quarrels but on the method and technique of resolving issues. In fact, another study argues that conflicts arise as a result of a lack of conflict management skills in a relationship.
Skills. Conflict management. Misunderstandings. Science. *Chin in palm* If only someone would write a blog post on how to practically apply conflict management skills to love spats, so we can get back to the naKed part....
Say no more, here are 20 practical tips on resolving relationship conflicts- any conflict really.
1. Make the conscious effort to remain calm. [This is the 1st bottleneck of the spat. Once you do, it only becomes easier]
2. Identify the main root of the fight and the cause of irritation. If you are passive aggressive itmight take a little longer [bottleneck 2]
3. Be eager to resolve the problem
4. Speak only when your partner is calm too
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Now the fun part (who is going to break the silence...a post for another day!) There's always one person who can tolerate the silence less, if that's you congratulate yourself and give yourself a little wink...you might be the more mature one, you might also be the one who gets to the resolution finish line faster, so don't feel sad you always have to break the ice.
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5. Do not respond based ONLY on your point of view
6. Do not try to punish. Punishment is the other side of naKed. We don't want that.
7. Think: How do we move on from here?
8. Don't play the victim
9. Think clearly
10. Do not throw the solution of the problem at your partner. Let him/ her work through it and find a solution with minimal guidance
11. Respect your differences
12. Be humorous
13. Listen
14. Explain your point of view in a clear and respectful way
15. Keep your voice down
16. No name calling, no blaming, no nagging, no visiting the past or parochial conclusions
17. No, it's never too late now to say Sorry🎶
18. Address every issue in isolation , none of that "This is just like last time......" or "you always.....", "You never"
19. Forgive. Like it never happened.
20. x and makeup
Misunderstandings are just an expression of different needs that long to be met, usually expressed in mismatched voices and perfect scowls. I hope this post helps ease the scowls!
Have a great weekend xx
Ibo Meets Yoruba Blog!
Congratulations to KacheeTee.com , the new blog written by my friend Kachi Adesina, based on her experiences with inter-tribal marriage!
Marriage requires a certain amount of courage, an inter-tribal marriage must require a triple dose and writing a blog about it must require you to have WAY too much guts. Welcome to blogging, gutsy-K! I can't wait to read all the posts!
Here's this cute video by Banky W and Chidinma, dedicated to all the inter-tribal and inter-racial relationships out there! All the best, KacheeTee! Love you to blogger-heaven and back.
The end of this video was so adorable. Lol. [Kachi, this is our new handshake!] Are you in an inter-tribal marriage or relationship? How fun is that!
How to Give Advice
#1 Don't
*Supposed End of post*
What do you think though? Do you give advice often? How does it play out? How often is your 2 cents really appreciated, especially in complicated situations; take advising a mistress or side-chic as an example. If you know any, do you honestly think she'd take your advice?
Side-chics get advised more often than a juvenile delinquent. Everyone wants to chip in and tell Stella that dating the married guy is suicide....and in some cases, Stella, it is. It really is. Don't say we didn't tell you.
The best thing to do in my opinion is not to advice or at least learn to advice properly; whether financial, career, marital, weight management, parenting advice. It has to be done right. It takes a lot of maturity and self-control to effectively advice a person and have the person really listen and see your point. Seeing someone doing something wrong and taking the time to provide reasonable, loving advice takes ALOT. If you insist that #1 is not an option and this person is really important to you, ensure its done right and read on!
#2 Have the right motive: Your motive should be to encourage, to lift, not to tear down. Your advice should be communicated in love and with the utmost respect, not with malice or in derision. If your motive is to show that you are superior, or to scorn or to gloat refer to #1
#3 Don't speak without planning out your thoughts. The great thing about thoughts is that they reflect themselves in your speech. If you aren't coming from a good place, it definitely will be obvious in your choice of words. Sort your mind out first before talking to someone else about their issues.
#4 Never ever start off with "I told you so" or "You should know better" or "A word of advice". Those conversation-starters are dynamite! They get a person defensive and slight impenetrable to your well-wishing words.
#5 Be patient. People don't naturally like advice, so take it slowly, very slowly and speak plainly. If you aren't a patient person, don't bother; refer to #1
#6 If you really must advice, make sure it's not condescending
We aren't any better than anyone else. We are just privy to some information which we are fortunate to be able to share. If "Condescending" is your middle name, refer to #1
Did I miss anything? Share below!
My Experience with the Intern Mugger (Throwback)
Previously published on old blog space.
Few things to remember while being mugged:
No eye contact, no fidgeting, no sudden movements, no movie stunts(007 is filmed on set and James is not his real name...now you know), most importantly, pray like your life depends on it.....because it does.
I pray younever get mugged, it's the second worst situation ever, right after being on a plane with a malfunction(that you can do without also). If you've never experienced mugging and you wondered a little what the experience might be like...here's my experience!!!
There I was, on a cloudy Thursday morning in Ikeja, Lagos, walking down my street to get a cab to work. I remember the air was fresh and smelt of wet earth (because it had rained the night before). I trotted along, walking on air and happier than a clown (I love rainy days). It was one of those days nothing could even think about going wrong.
"Good Morning, sister", A voice says behind me. I turn to look at him.
"Good Morning", I chirped gleefully.
"Give me your bag."
What??! Wait, what was happening? And then I dropped my gaze and there pointed at me, was a gun. It was such an inelegant gun. If I was going to get shot, definitely not with this ugly gun. It made me just imagine an old blacksmith hitting some metal scraps to make a weapon, including milk tins.
Only in Lagos, would my mugger say 'hey' and even call me "sister". *rme*
At this point, my adrenaline and cortisol is pumping overtime. I quickly look around and there is an old lady about fifty feet away, setting up her roasted plantain (boli) grill. About twenty feet up the road from her, was a man who measures and pumps tires for a living (aka vulcanizer, which I think is a Nigerian word, not a real word by the way lol...they are called foka for short, pun unintended). They both glance at me and continue their morning preparations...this was that moment, that defining moment when I knew the spirit of community was stone dead in Lagos and that I was never buying boli from that woman ever again.
Boli lady had hurt me.
Lagos had hurt me. Lagos hurts everyone who loves it, but we still hang around and love it a bit more. It's a bitter-sweet relationship that only Lagosians can understand.
That's true love, right there.
Back to the story, after being snubbed by "Iya oni boli*" and "foka", I looked down the road for any unjaded passers-by.
No one.
It was 6.30 am, some one was bound to show up, right? Another okada, a fellow commuter, anyone!!! The police would have been nice too...with their station just less than a mile away!
I had to stall, someone would come to my rescue. I looked at him. He was dark and young, wearing a sad brown shirt(not its original color). His face was unsure and I felt like he might just add the word "please" to his demand. Hmmm...a newbie. So I took a chance and decided to appeal to his humane side (Don't do this at home guys, I am a professional lol).
" Please, can I take my work ID? It's all I need,"I asked.
" OK." He says, urging me with a 'go-ahead' gesture with his metal-contraption-gun-thing which I'm sure was Made in Ojota.
Immediately, I dive into my bag and find my ID, then I push it aside, pretending to look for it.
Someone had to come up the road any minute now. They had to rescue me from this intern-mugger and his rickety weapon. Stalling. Intern mugger looks up the road uncomfortably, he was getting impatient but said nothing. He was such a nice guy, really. Lol.
Then, suddenly a bike appears, with a man on it!!!
O yes!! My Hero was here, though his skin looked a little bleached but "hey, Beggars are not Choosers."
My bleached Hero pulls up beside us. Face, mean and strong like any Hero's face would be.
Intern turns around and looks at Hero... he didn't seem very alarmed.
Hero scowls at him, then me, and says to intern, "Shoot her!!!"
At this point, I concluded that humanity was truly in need of a Savior. He apparently wasn't my hero, he was the intern's supervisor! "SHOOT HER!!", he insisted.
Intern looked pleadingly at me, it was either he didn't want to shoot or his contraption had no bullets and it was all a bluff. Hero-turned-bike-riding maniac kept screaming "Shoot her!" I handed over the bag and intern jumped on the back of the bike and rode away with his manager.
I was more sad about the fact that Hero was NOT my Hero than the loss of my beautiful Guess handbag. I was also sad that Hero was almost purple from incessant bleaching. I saw skin disease in his future. I ran home miserable and void of all my items. Everything was in there; my blackberry, my wallet plus bank cards, my makeup purse, the famous work ID card, my bible, my shoes for work (I had walked down the street in flats to catch a cab), my lunch, even!!!
It was quite the experience.
Have you had a mugging experience? Would love to hear about it! Share below!!!
*Iya oni boli (Yoruba language) : A woman who sells roasted plantain as street food.
How to Get Him to Propose (Straight from de Men dem)
Hey, hey??! How did your Valentine's weekend go? Don't be disappointed if he didn't propose yesterday; he might have it scheduled for another date or actually, not at all. While the latter option just felt like i shoved an aloe vera stalk in your mouth, it might not be entirely bad that he doesn't plan to propose at all. In fact, if he doesn't plan to and you know, you should joyfully pack your pretty little things and head for the mountains! #DontwasteYOURtime2016
Last week, i had fun asking a few guys about the best way to get a guy to propose. Of course, these are completely their own views on this situation. First, they all agreed that a man can not be forced to propose if he is "not ready"; mentally and financially, which i believe is fair enough. They couldn't quite provide the perfect guide to getting him to propose but they attempted to correct some misconceptions women have about their proposal prospects and then proceeded to give some advice....
......They mentioned a couple of things we girls might be doing that may delay that proposal! Here goes....
“Nagging about it.”
“The sex. If I get the sex, i might take my time with the proposal- Why buy the cow?”
“If she’s dispensable and I’m just passing time”
“Playing house. Washing my clothes, cleaning my apartment and cooking doesn’t mean we are married or that I will propose.”
“You being impatient and complaining about how your friends have kids.”
“Conversation about your eggs...like seriously?...”
Then they provided some advice.......
“Stop waiting for a proposal, it just makes your wait feel longer. Make your own plans. Be busy, focus on your career, go for a Master’s program, begin your own business and channel your passions. A proposal should be an add-on not the main purpose of your life.”
“If you know a guy isn’t going to propose and you know you are wasting your time, you should leave”
“Wait until i’m ready....it might be 7 years”
“Initiate a Long Distance Relationship. He might realize he doesn’t want you far away. Who knows, he just might propose.....or not!”
“Do not be dispensible! Let him understand how valuable you are.”
“Involve Jesus! LoL!”
“Score Goal (get pregnant), he still might not marry you though. Lol! Ok, seriously, don’t get pregnant! *Straight face*”
“Develop yourself. Develop your inner beauty.”
“DO NOT NAG ABOUT IT”
Alright, so does this mean we girls are sentenced to being quiet about our concerns about growing old and our aging eggs and cannot talk about marriage at all with bae? Of course not! I believe at some point in the relationship the discussion about marriage should come up. It's important to know how serious this relationship is or what its prospects are. You deserve to know, don't be scared. Ask questions!
We girls get terrified of asking because we think he will run away. Let him run, it'll save you time. Ask him questions like; "What are views on marriage?", "Where do you see this relationship in 5 years?", "What do you want from me on the long term?" This should be a tear-free, matter-of-fact conversation; you shouldn't be trying to manipulate him, you should be trying to get information with which you will make your decisions. Of course, as a woman your intuition should kick in and you should be able to tell when a guy isn't particularly serious. If he isn't, you'll know.... we always know. In that case, as my Strategic Management teacher once said, "Sometimes, the best strategy to making a profit is the Exit Strategy." You might have to pull the plug on that relationship, if you know its going nowhere; from that move *deep breath*, full steam ahead and greater possibilities!
#DontwasteYOURtime2016
Thanks to all my interviewees! We have kept them anonymous-ish, much love and hugs for the advice, guys!
What are your thoughts? Do you think these really delay the proposal? What do you think about having the prospects-conversation? What are your experiences? Are men weird? Which is your favorite ring? Lol!
P.s: Ahem..Men, those rings up there can be found here, here and here.. just saying!
Mum, On the Matter of Kissing a Beardy Dude
This is a real conversation between my mum and I. It was all in Yoruba which made it sound so much better but it's been translated into English.
Mum: Ed's beard na wa o
Me: I like Ed’s beard
Mum: How do you kiss then?
Me: errrrrr
Mum: Kissing a man with a beard is complicated
Me: errrrrr-errr Not really, mum
Mum: What if the hair gets in your mouth?
Me: *Laughing out loud* It usually doesn’t
Mum: What if there's stew on it?
Me: Ewww
Mum: It's true. So, the hair doesn't get into your mouth?
Me: Nope, not at all
Mum: I remember one time your dad wanted to keep a beard. It didn't work out o.
Me: The hair doesn't have to get in though. We just work around it.
By now mum realizes I have superior kissing skills, then avoids the thought and proceeds to talk about something else.
What are your thoughts on kissing a bearded guy? Are you more pro-clean shaven or pro-beard gang?
Almost Married to Jake- 2,555 days of Summer!
Conversation I imagined between Rachel and her dad, Laban:
Rachel (beautiful and dramatic, screeching at the top of her voice, yanking at her hair): But dad, I love him and he loves me!!!!!! Why can't we be together?!
Laban (rolls his eyes): Because of the goats, my daughter, because of the goats
Rachel: What does my love life have to do with your goats?!
Laban: You used to be my chief operations officer! You used to be my best shepherd, then you meet some run-away kid who goes around making stew and stealing people's birthrights! You were my COO! Now who will be in charge of operations and Supply Chain Management?! Let your boyfriend work for me, if he can promise me returns on my investments, increased productivity and increased randiness among the sheep, then you can be married. I might even consider giving him some equity, a few goats and sheep.
Rachel: Ok, dad. How long do we have to wait?
Laban: 7 years
Rachel: What?!!!!! I'll be like a hundred by then!
Laban (puffing his shisha and looking over his spectacles): Don't be so dramatic, Rachel, what do you want Leah to say? Plus no sneaking into his tent at night. I got eyes all over this place........No making out either!
Rachel (mutters under her breath): Yeah, right.
The bible said none of that by the way that's all me, however, I can imagine Rachel, miserable and anxious, waiting to be allowed to marry the man she was in love with.
She was made to wait 7 years and so was Jake. Yeah, just a couple thousand days, approximately two thousand five hundred and fifty-five days. During that time, God was working. He was working on Jake (as he always does on us), preparing him to be a better man, a better husband, purging him of his Yoruba Demon ways, showing him that there were other ways to succeed other than being deceitful and stealing stuff! He was refining him and equipping him to be that tenacious man who wrestled with God and prevailed! He was preparing him to be Israel.
So, I ask Rachel, would you rather walk down the aisle with the whipped teenage boy who ran around making stew and stealing birthrights, or the mature, resourceful, refined business man who wrestled with God in prayer and prevailed!
God works overtime, he never ever ever clocks out. And guess who he's working for--you. If you are like Rachel waiting for a guy, wouldn't you rather let God expunge his Yoruba Demon-ness before you meet him? If you are building your business and it's taking forever, wouldn't you rather let God set all things together working for your good, even things you are unaware of? Take your time, while God gets your "ish" together for you, chill and enjoy your (±) 2555 days of Summer!
P.s: This post was supposed to be about how Jacob waited 7 years and we were supposed to laugh about how whipped he was and how he wasn't allowed to get laid but he was so deep in love he didn't care. And then I was going to ask if love like this still existed today. Clearly that post didn't go according to plan! Feel free to comment on both the intended and unintended post!
Illustration by @poetolu
LDR: My Sweet Virtual Valentine's
Source: IG @meganhess_official
To all Long Distance Relationship-ers (LDR-ers) out there, this Valentine's day is going to suck...........unless you have a plan. One thing i know about being in a LDR is that, it forces you out of your comfort zone and makes you think creatively! Plus, every romantic gesture you do has the potential to earn a million cookie points! It's just the way it is. For some odd reason, receiving an unexpected bouquet or package, getting a pre-recorded video, a hand written letter just gets everything sparkly and delightful and for that day and the next few days, the world is ok for your significant other. Contrary to popular belief, you CAN have a wonderful Valentine's Day, even in a Long Distance Relationship. Remember, you need to plan, like I said, else, it'll suck. I reiterate, the "Suck" factor will abide, mainly because you have nothing planned and all the couples are out that night cuddling, strolling, making out, or all three at the same time!
Here are 3 Things to consider during this planning:
The Surprise
All your significant other (sigO) really wants for Valentine's Day, is you. If you can, plan a trip to see him/her, make it a surprise! I once pulled off a surprise visit, i flew in from Italy on a Sunday, landed at night. Of course, this was all strategically planned. I knew Ed would be at church for about 2 hours out of my 7 hour flight and i know he eats huge lunches on Sundays, which is inevitably followed closely by a chronic case of food coma. He didn't wake up until i landed! We chatted for a while and went to bed, he was completely oblivious. The following morning, at 5AM, i got to his apartment building, ready to surprise! I was let in by the gateman, and then.......and then........and then.......I got attacked by his dog who had run into the compound, clearly perplexed by my presence. Lol! Then he had to rescue me from the dog, who I admit has always been a little jealous of me. Anyway, the visit was epic and amazing!
Strategically plan a surprise visit, it's worth 4,678,000 Cookie points!
The Gift
Since the beginning of time, the most common Valentine's Day gifts have been; Perfume, Teddy Bears, Cake, Chocolate, Flowers, Engagement rings (now we're talking, Grin)! They are all cute but sometimes, getting creative and character-specific with gifts earns you more points that the generic gifts.
Secret: I once sent a video of myself dancing to Don Jazzy and Tiwa's 'Eminado' to Ed one Valentine's Day. This video has since been destroyed, so as not to hinder any political office aspirations I may have in the future.
Generic Gift** (gift wrapped): 900,000 Cookie points
Creative Gift: 2,570,000 Cookie points
The Date
LDRs are the best! They get you creative, I tell you! They also make you appear a little looney.
Date night on Valentine's evening is a possibility, provided you are ready to give it a try.
Dress up (yes, shoes too), order or make a meal, call Sig.O on skype, light some candles (but don't turn the lights off because you won't be able to see each other) and have a Skype date on Valentine's night! Of course, if someone walks in on you, then you'd look a tad nuts but what do they know! If you both are culinary enthusiasts, the date can begin in the kitchen!
What are your Valentine's Day plans? Ever planned a fun surprise visit? How did it go? Were dogs involved? Hope not!
**There's absolutely nothing wrong with generic gifts, present it properly and bump up your cookie points!